Stay at home moms vs. Working moms

'Its easier to be a stay at home mom than a working mom'

Someone said this to me the other day and their argument was that 'you don't need a degree to have and raise a baby'.

That may be true but to me that is the same as saying, if you can't get a degree, then you have a baby because that's all you can do.

Ugh!

I think that line of thinking is all WRONG!

Many if not all of my mom friends that stay at home, work part time or work at home are college educated. Others are not college educated.

To me, when it comes to raising a child its not the college degree or lack thereof that 'qualifies' you to be a mother. Its the devotion, love, instinct, desire and intuition that does.

In this day and age I feel like if a mom chooses to stay at home, she has to justify it. She will be judged by her peers including other working moms, friends and family like there must be some big reason a mom would want to stay home rather than using her degree or working. I guess its because its the norm now to go back to work than its expected and if you don't then maybe you'll be judged for being 'weak'.

Staying home in many ways today is a priveledge because it generally takes a two income family to make ends meet. I believe many moms that work would rather stay home if they could afford it. Some wouldn't and thats fine too.

Clearly, every situation is different and ever evolving. I had planned on going back to teaching 3 months after Isabel was born. Where am I now? Staying home with Isabel, working on my dissertation part time and not getting paid. While I was pregnant, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stay home and I would TA p/t to make ends meet and cover childcare.

I am greatful and thankful I can stay home with Isabel. It was a wonderful and happy surprise to be able to. Do I worry about our bills or a big unexpected expense? yep, but for now we are making it work financially.

But I won't lie and say I didn't think I might be bored if I stayed home or feel like I was 'wasting' my mind or stalling on my dissertation of in the very least judged for not going back right away.

I can't say I have ever really been bored since Isabel has arrived. I might have had a few dull dreary wintery/spring afternoons but I have not ever sat and watched the clock tick. Our days have been busy, fun, hard work and exhausting but rewarding.

Have I ever watched J leave in the morning and felt wistful that I wasn't going too? Nope. And here is why:

1. Isabel's been a demanding baby that would not take a sub for mom easily from day one and I knew soon after she was born that if I could stay home (i.e. we could swing it) I would.

2. Physically and emotionally, it took alot to recover from her birth and literally didn't feel with it until she was at least 4 months old. I could not have fathomed going back to work before then, thank God I didn't have to.

3. There is plenty to do but J doesn't expect a clean house, meal on the table, errands done etc. I spend much of my day playing with Isabel, taking her out and doing play groups/dates, visiting the park, beach, library, bookstore, great grandparents etc. I do run errands, cook, clean and do laundry too but I try now to do most of the housework at night or during naps. Mostly because its easier with Isabel asleep and faster! Even though J wouldn't complain if the house was kept up, I take more pride it in. It actually gives me mini goals during the day. I fold a pile of laundry here, take out the trash and wipe the counters there. I don't feel like a housekeeper basically.

4. Getting out serves not just to stimulate Isabel but also breaks up my day, lets me interact with other moms and gives me social time. I have made an array of friends with babies Isabel's age or around there and we have created a great little community.

5. Even though its lower on the list, I am working on my dissertation. It might be going slower than I had hoped but I am plugging. Finishing is so important to me and I feel supported to be able to do it. Its a weird adjustment to go from a single focus of a PhD. to multitasking and working in smaller chunks of time, but I am doing it.

6. If I had already started my career, i.e. graduated and gone down the tenure track faculty apt. like I was planning, maybe I would feel more torn. Right now, I would have been writing my dissertation, probably TAing or working in a lab p/t but I don't have a 'job' per se waiting for me to return. Maybe if I did and I liked that job I would feel more torn. BUt right now I am working on my disseration and have a baby so it is sort of the best of both worlds.

7. I see my staying home time with Isabel as a phase of life. I don't forsee myself staying home until she goes to high school, pre-school yes or longer if we have a second one. But if we can afford it that's my plan. Otherwise, I see myself re-entering the work force then.

Would I judge a mom if she stayed at home till her kids went to high school or longer? No. Why? Because in a lot of ways it would be nice to be able to do that. However, I do want to finish what I have started, that is finish my degree and work in my field. Of course, that could change and I am learning to be flexible.

So going back to how mother's are judged in society. I think hands down working or not, educated or not mothers in general are judged differently than women that aren't mothers and men in the workforce. I think we still work and live in a male dominated society that doesn't value family like it should. I would even say moms are more judgemental of other moms than maybe anyone else. Not sure why that it is, maybe its the 'grass is always greener mentality'.

Anyway, I guess I have been thinking about it because I keep getting asked when I am going back to work, or what's next? Likely, because Isabel is almost a year and I guess its assumed a year is when I should go back to work. Maybe its that comment I heard. Or maybe its my own anxiety welling up about the need to get my dissertation completed.

Anway, I feel like I just want to say that even though the pace day to day may not be as stressful as when I was working full time or even if I was working and Isabel was in daycare but there are days or periods of time that are stressful and intense. Being home with a baby forces me to put my needs second, I don't get a sick day, vacation day, or lunch break for that matter. I do get a nap time to drink my coffee or check email. I make it work because right now, the pros out weigh the cons. I don't think of it as work but it is right? I don't think its fair that I have to justify what I do as enough compared to someone that works outside the home. But I feel I do most days.

Despite the fear of being judged and the unfairness that exists in society, I have no regrets about staying home, even if its only for a period of time in Isabel's life. I know God is working in my life, setting up the next step. I am not worrying about that now. I am still cherishing my time with her and working hard to just shrug off other people's opinions and/or expectations.

I feel like its not even worth the pissing contest of who's life/work is harder. I think working outside the home is hard, staying home is hard, heck, raising a baby no matter how you do it is HARD! But, I think we can all agree, the best job in the world!

If you got all the way through this you deserve a cookie ;)
xo