Getting rid of the dissapointment

So to follow up my thoughts on a vbac and c-sections, I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't talk about getting past the dissapointment I felt after my c/s. I guess I would say I had fleeting dissapointment while it was happening but the overall relief of Isabel's arrival overshadowed it. However, some doubt and feelings of dissapointment have crept in over time.

I don't want it to seem like I sit around and have a pity party because I had a c/s and it just happened to get infected. Actually, while it was all going on my focus was Isabel, her health and less on my own health. I said over and over, I am glad nothing happened to her. Because let's be honest, so much can happen during birth that can be life threatening for her/a baby.

I am thankful I got the experience of labor, one of my dear friends had a breech baby and didn't get the chance to labor. This probably sounds crazy to moms that have been through labor to wish she got to labor but I am sure she wanted to.

So, I am proud of how I progressed through labor and pushed and tried my best to deliver her on my own. I am thankful for that chance and felt dissapointed in myself I couldn't get her out.

In the end, it just wasn't meant to be. I am thankful she was born safely, she was and is healthy and didn't suffer because I stubbornly wanted her to come out vaginally. Not that I think the doctors would have let me try for much longer because of my fever.

Still because I had GD they had warned I would be more at risk for c/s because of her potential size anyway. So really, labor wasn't a given.

I guess now looking back, I try not to dwell on the what ifs and just relish that she is here and focus on the now.

Still, its hard to shake my experience and I am greatful that my mom friends that had c/s since and before me had much more 'uneventful' ones than me!

IF we ever have another baby and he/she is delivered c/s if the vbac fails or I chose to repeat c/s I won't be dissapointed. Because in the end what matters is that we have a child. Right?

I am working on letting go of the feeling of being judged for having a c/s because I percieve that people think I didn't try hard enough to have her vaginally. I don't always go into detail about her birth with everyone and nor should I feel the need to justify but still...I think I want to feel like folks don't think I just gave up and went with the 'easier' choice of c/s. I don't think any mother in labor thinks major surgery is the easier choice.... I could be wrong but I don't think so.

Anyway, moving on thats what I am doing. Focusing on the here and now (hard to do sometimes) but as a wise person once said 'pity parties have a start and an end just like a regular party ;)'