Just one of those days

So I made it through a long first week back to work. Still struggling with my HPLC method but making progress. I would much rather be out in the field with my squash but they are so pitifully behind. Guess thats ok, since I am too! I will get out there soon enough and take pix!

Today I had a hard time handling my emotions. The reality of this surgery is setting in, I lost my fallopian tube. What does that mean really? I have learned google is NOT my friend. I have read all kinds of dissapointing things about what this means for the future i.e. having kids.

I keep wishing it was my appendix or gallbladder.... that would have been FINE. I am not going to say 'Why me?' though because even though I don't know why, I do know God has a plan for me.

Right now, discerning it is a bit hard. I feel like I need some perspective but I just don't have it yet. I of all people have wanted to have kids since I started babysitting at 15! I am almost 30 and for most they either have had kids or are happy to wait.

Me? I had been content with everything in my life (still am for the most part) but this has really thrown me for a loop. I am anxiously awaiting my follow up doctor's apt. on Monday and hope that the OB/gyn can alleviate some of my concern.

So right now I would describe my mood as apprehensive and a bit anxious. I have never had a time in my life where something has weighed so heavily on my mind. It is like every quiet moment I have I find myself dwelling. That is NOT me and it is certainly NOT what I think God would want me to do, it saps my energy and limits my efforts. I have been praying for comfort and peace and I know it will come.

Meanwhile, I am actually glad to sink into work and the regular pace of my life because it feels normal. Even though it is 7pm on a Friday night and Josh is still not home from work, I don't mind. I just took the pups for a little walk (thats all I can do right now) and am listening to the cars race around the track at the speedway. The windows are open, the sun is shining and there is a breeze. It is a really nice end to a hectic week.