Happy First Birthday Isabel

This has been a whirlwind year. Tonight, I sit here reminiscing about the days leading up to Isabel’s arrival. Liam is laying next to me on the couch just like he always does and Ladybug is snuggling with J. It was really warm the days leading up to her birth but this year if feels much more fall-like.

Its really hitting me all at once, not the trauma that I endured during her birth (though those memories still rattle around in my brain). Its just hitting me that I have a one year old. My little cuddly and snuggly baby is now a walking, babbling and sweet toddler. Yea, I said it, a TODDLER! She is so good at walking and she is Miss Independent.

Tonight, I spent time making you cupcakes and hanging crepe paper (yea, mama, loves crepe paper). In fact, it reminds me of my birthdays…tradition maybe?

So, I thought I would write a little letter to her to capture the milestone.

Dearest Isabel,
Happy Birthday pumpkin pie! We will celebrate your first birthday and make some memories and start some birthday traditions. We have been through so much this year and through it all, I am so happy to see you grow and thrive.

You are the best part of my life. You bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. You have such a spunky personality.

Recently you learned to walk, you are babbling and even say mama, dada and baba. You love your sippy cup even if you don’t love anything I put in it. You love to eat with your fingers and your favorite foods are cheese, noodles, mangoes, peaches and yogurt. You are in size 5W and you are wearing 12-18month clothes. You are getting teeth like all the time and keeping mama up at night. You still love sleeping with mama but you are napping on your own like a big girl. You also nurse and I have no idea when that will end but I am enjoying our snuggle time still.

You have grown more independent by going to ‘day school’. It sure was hard on both of us adjusting to it but I think you are liking it and that makes me so happy. I want you to know you are loved to the moon and back and yet I know school is good for you. I love our time together though. Our fun trips to the park, playground, the mall, even the grocery store is more fun with you.

I know I am supposed to teach you lots of things, and I know I am but you have taught me so much! You have taught me patience. I am not a patient person but you have taught me to put your needs in front of mine. Hey, so maybe I might need Depends because of all the times I held it while you slept in my arms or I drove home but you fell asleep so I drove to keep you sleeping. You taught me how to love from the tips of my toes. Your smile, even your cry makes my heart swell. Now that you can say mama, its just makes me love you even more. You have taught me to marvel at the little things. You are learning so fast and just watching you learn before my eyes is amazing. You never miss a beat, if its new you notice it! I love how I can figure out how you are feeling when you are tire you make an Oh’ing noise and when you are happy uou run around and squawk. Love it.

So tomorrow, we will enjoy a fun day celebrating you. All your family, baby friends and your mom and dad will be there. Its going to be a big day for you, special little one. I love you so much Isabel. You are the reason I get up in the morning and you give my life meaning. I can’t wait for this next year and all the adventures we will have. Happy Birthday sweet heart. I would go through all that I did to have you 10,000 more times! You are the best addition to my life.

Love you forever and always my sweet pumpkin pie!

Where were you on 9/11?

Yesterday, I had The Today Show on while we were getting ready and Isabel was playing. Of course, with 9/11's 10 year anniversary there were video montages and clips of that day that will live in infamy. I couldn't watch but I minute of it and tears were streaming down my face.

September 11, 2001 was the first time I personally witnessed a national tragedy. I know in other generations folks can say where they were on D-day, when JFK was assinnated or when the shuttle fell from the sky (I was around then but don't remember it).

I can clearly recall September 11th and it still gives me chills. I had gotten up early and went to the gym to workout and my roomie Nancy and I had planned 'room-mate bonding' morning, it was going to become our weekly ritual of breakfast together off-campus. We went to a local coffee shop around 8am and I remember the radio was playing in the background and waitress mentioned something about a plane crash into the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, hmm maybe a small jet crashed into the Boston WTC, hope everyone is ok. When we left we put the radio on WEII 1030am because I figured the regular FM stations weren't carrying this small event.

As Nancy and I drove the short distance back to campus we heard them narrate the situation and that's when we heard it was the NYC WTC and it was a passenger jet. I remember holding hands with Nancy as they said it was likely a terrorist attack. We were gripped with fear, and I remember praying for all involved. I remember the knot in my stomach and the panic I felt.

We rushed into our dorm when mostly everyone was sleeping and wake our roomates up and we flipped on the news just in time to witness the second plane crash. We stood there in shock and were glued to the TV as the rest of the events of the day unfolded. I tried to call family and friends but the cell phones weren't working.

I did talk to my mom who tried to keep me calm and she was reassuring me we were safe. I didn't feel safe. At all. I was terrified. Where was safe when planes could hit buildings and kill people? What if they flew a plane into the power plant?

Classes were cancelled, which gave us all more time to sit glued to the TV. By mid-afternoon I decided to walk the campus and find a spot to read and pray. It was so ironic that it was a perfectly beautiful, clear and sunny day. Perfect in everyway.

By later that afternoon I found myself standing in chapel, singing, praying and crying with friends. Here stories of friend's parents that were safe even after coming out the WTC. Planning to give blood or go there and help with the clean up.

By the evening, I looked up in the sky and saw only a few faint stars, no airplanes. It was eerily quiet because usually lots of planes take off and land nearby.

The days and weeks that passed after that felt surreal. It was hard not to watch the news expecting to hear worse news.

I remember feeling creeped out knowing the terrorists were in Boston the Sunday before. I was going to Park Street Church and took the train and subway in. I remember feeling weirded out that week for some reason. The following week at church, I mourned with our congregation as there were lives lost from church on those flights.

Even though its been 10 years and we have not had another attack of that magnitude. We are still at war. Our world is in turmoil. I feel as a nation we are gun-shy and that our sense of security is still shaken. At least I don't feel 'secure and safe'.

Tomorrow, we will mourn in our hearts for the lives lost on that day, remember personal stories and think just about how close some of us may have come to being on one of those planes or in one of those buildings. I know I still think about it every time I board a plane.

Tomorrow, though, we will celebrate a very dear friend's son's first birthday. We will find joy in the celebration of life. We will, at least I will hug my little one just alittle tighter tomorrow and hope she will NEVER witness a tragedy of this magnitude. I will however, help her to NEVER FORGET and be PROUD to be an American.
xo

Proud Mama

This week I think I have alot to be proud of, well at least several things come to mind.

1. I was DREADING this week because I knew that working and daycare and just everything was going to be a haul and I am still trying to get into the swing of things like having lunches packed, clothes and work bags packed so the morning rush isn't so hectic. Well, I didn't get it all done ahead of time like I hoped but I did get it done. I think I managed things on my end pretty well despite being tired.

2. Isabel's two days at day care this week improved. Tuesday she didn't cry 'as much' and ate and drank (that's a huge milestone!) and Thursday when J dropped her off, she didn't go right into the arms of her teacher but crawled/walked around and played while J was there. I think it made a difference. Because even though she cried when he left, she did much better over all. When I came to pick her up I peeked in and didn't see her. I assumed one of the infant teachers had her.

When I walked in, I saw her sprawled across the lap of her teacher, passed out cold. AMAZING! I was so proud, I swear my heart was bursting. For a moment I marveled, 'that's my baby?!' They went on to say she hardly cried, played until she passed out and ate pretty well. Woot! I should have called ahead and let her nap! I plan to do that next week and work her up to a full day. I miss her like crazy at work but I know this is the only way I can accomplish getting my dissertation done.

3. Today, Isabel and I had a mommy and me day. We went to the mall, I picked out her Halloween costume, we ate in the food court and we played at the tot land. You know that place in the mall where they can climb and play?

Well, I figured she was not sleepy and dying to walk so I let her try it. She just raced around. Played with the 'big kids' and all the other parents kept asking how old she was and were surpised she wasn't one yet. She climbed up and down the little sea creatures and had a blast. She was proud as a peacock, but I was PROUDER!

I really have taken a step back am marveled at how she is growing into a little girl. Sure, she is needy and will always prefer her mama but she is ready to explore her world. I think most of my mom friends are sad to see them enter this stage but I am embracing it. I got my clingy/needy/nurse 24-7 take no substitute baby for almost a year and I cherised it...but I am ready to take the next step.

She is so happy and outgoing and FUN! I will take the non-napper (well she naps but not in a text book/ set your clock to her way), early riser if it means she is pretty much happy and rambuctious most of the time. I joke that when she naps for more than an hour or sleeps in I get nervous...but I do!

I am also a proud puppy mama. These pups have been through so much this year but they are just if not more loving and loyal as ever. Now that Isabel goes to bed and stays asleep, we get extra snuggle time and it *almost* feels like before Isabel arrived.

I have alot to be thankful and proud of and I am trying to point out the positive more often because everyone knows its ways easier to focus on the negative.

Sweetest sight I ever saw

Well, maybe its one of the top ten of the sweetest.

Today, when I picked up Isabel she was standing on her little platform (as usual) by the window clutching my tanktop.

The one I wore last night and slept in. I didn't think it would work that having my shirt with my 'smell' on it would make a difference. It seems like it did.

I did a couple of things differently today. I sent her lovie, some breastmilk, some of her favorite snacks and my t-shirt.

J said the drop off was better, no koala bear cling, some crying and she settled pretty fast with her teachers. They said she didn't cry as much during the day, ate/drank a bit more and played peekaboo with her teachers.

It was such a relief that she did better today. I think she will get better and better at this and that makes me feel good.

I think it helps that she is over her ear infection and feels better.

I know she and I will get through this, each day is feeling more and more normal. I have to admit, I like the break and feel less stressed about finishing my dissertation because I am getting more chunks of time to complete it.

So, I am breathing a sigh of relief and am cautiously optimistic that we are going in the right direction. She is such a big girl!

And she walked

Today was the first day Isabel really starting walking, not just steps here and there. Last night she would string a few steps together and fall. Today, she walked from one side of the living room to the other.

Just like that.

Its amazing to watch her little mind learn how to move and put it all together.

The look on her face is priceless, she is so proud of herself and looks to us for approval.

Yes, I am a proud mama tonight.

There have been naysayers out there that say its all over now that she can walk but honestly, she has never seemed happier. Its fostering her independence and need to explore and I welcome it.

So HOORAY for Isabel, she walks..but still crawls faster!

*****************
On a side note, Isabel starts back to 'school' tomorrow. I am feeling absolute dread. I don't want her to hate it but I know its going to be rough. Oh cue the guilt as I sit here putting together a list of to-dos for tomorrow. Lunches for all of us are made, her bag is packed but I need to write her name in a couple of clothing items, her bag is packed and I am pulling my stuff together and iron clothes. Yea, its fun! Haha

Praying that our day goes well tomorrow, I am trusting God can help her adjust and watch over her while we aren't together. *sigh* Its so hard to let go.

I do think that Isabel would be even happier now that she can walk! Hope that helps...

Cherishing laughter, a gift from God

This week has felt especially challenging with Isabel having an ear infection, both of us starting school and Ladybug and Liam still healing.

Today, I feel reminded that God really does love us and He shows us through our ability to laugh.

Isabel loves to laugh and now she shares in laughter. Its infectious. She is taking steps and as she does she just laughs, giggles and smiles. Its the best. Actually, its hilarious to see someone so little literally run across the living room. She is just so proud of herself and I am too.

Tonight, I was giving Isabel a bath like I do every night (yes, she could skip it once in a while but lately, she's been messy at dinner and crawling in the grass. Anyway, I plunked her in the tub and let the water fill the big tub as she sat there. She giggled as the water came out of the faucet. She splashed around and crawled up and down the length of the tub. I was feeling especially hot and sticky from the muggy weather and didn't mind getting splashed. So, tonight I decided to splash really fast and we splashed each other. Each time I stopped splashing and started again it started a cascade of laughter that was infectious. I soaked in the moments with her in the tub and enjoyed it.

Earlier this week after a trying day J brought dinner home to help me out. Wouldn't you know J turned his back and Ladybug scarfed a beef teriyaki off his plate nearly whole. So, J took her to the e-vet just to be sure. I knew she's eated corn on the cob and other trash but I am sure she's never done this before. It wasn't a vet trip we wanted to make on top of everything else going on with our pups. But obviously, we would do anything for our furkids so we took her.

I was nervous, annoyed and tired and when J called to say how it went he actually made me laugh. Apparently, after x-rays and inducing vommitting, up came the stick with beef teriyaki still intact. J said, 'at least she won't get to enjoy that beef teriyaki'.....hahahahahaha! I just cracked up and we at least could laugh about it.

Honestly, laughter is keeping me from crying. Lately, it seems that its one thing after another and I feel like we could use a break. I keep reminding myself, God doesn't give us more than we can take but we are just at that breaking point. So, I will take the laughter where I can.

Isabel definetly brings the laughter and the joy, thankful for my beautiful and sweet baby girl. xoxoxoxoxo

The first week of 'school'

Well, we made it...maybe it was by the skin of our teeth but we did it. Here is out it went

Tuesday morning:
Isabel- woke up extra early (of course) 5:30 am and so I had to rush to get ready and get her ready. She was sleepy but fought sleep the whole morning.

Me- I put her in the car seat and kissed her goodbye and she smiled and gave me a slobbery kiss back. J drove off with her and I stood in the driveway and sobbed. I didn't let myself get too hysterical because I knew I had to keep it together so I could work. The two pluses: It was a beautiful morning (its always harder for me to be sad on 'nice' days) and second I actually could get ready pretty quickly without Isabel and was on my way with little time to dwell.

Isabel- J said she snored the whole way to 'school' and he woke her and brought her in...she cried hysterically but after a few minutes they said she calmed down and J dropped her stuff off outside the classroom since she was OK

Me- I called 2h in and they said she had been crying on and off all morning...GAH. I knew it.

Isabel- I guess she stood by the window and watched the kids play outside and was distractable on and off.

Me- I left early and peeked in the window of her classroom and saw her standing up in the corner leaning on the window and it hit me: She is a big girl, a toddler almost. But she's MY girl. I was proud and in awe of her.

Isabel- When I came in she cried and once she was in my arms it was the happiest sweetest reunion with laughs and snuggles. The rest of the day was great!

Wednesday we had the day to ourselves and we had a fun morning and a playdate in the afternoon. Unfortunately, she's got an ear infection and the medicine made her projectile vommit in her carseat, yuck!

Today, she got up later and we did the same routine as Tuesday. She left and I didn't cry but was nervous about how day 2 would go. I was hopeful she would start to get the hang of it.

Isabel- Got to daycare after a nap in the car and when J handed her off she clung to him like a koala. That was the first time she ever did that to him. He said it melted his heart. She was hysterical. I guess she was like that on and off the whole time.

Me- I didn't call or email or anything. I needed to focus at work and I knew if I checked in I would be tempted to rush over and get her. So I came in and didn't see her in her classroom. She was with an infant teacher. She was stonefaced when she saw me. She was tired, in a different outfit and smelled of sunscreen. She was still huffing and sighning so I knew alot of crying happened. Once we were in the car she nursed and dropped off to sleep. Once on the way, I cried.

Am I torturing her? Will she ever get 'used to this'? Is she going to lose her trust in me?

Cue the mom guilt.

After she had napped she was herself and we ate lunch and did our normal stuff together, including playing with the dogs in the yard and a trip to Target.

Unfortunately, the medicine saga continues because I gave her a dose after dinner and she projectile vommitted in her high chair. Poor thing, she was scared and a mess so I stuck her in the sink and hosed her off before trudging upstairs for a real bath. As I write this I can just imagine my sisters cringing because they HATE throw up! Now that she eats solids, its pretty gross!

Anyway, I knew this was going to be hard because she's got to adjust to change and she's still learning that concept. Everyone says it will be good for both of us. Ugh I hate that, I know to some degree its true. At the same time, this part sucks and it would be so much easier if she liked it because then I would be fine with this. Its not that I LOVE having her need me every moment. I mean its sweet but tiring and demanding being the ONLY one that can soothe/satisfy her most of the time.

On the bright side, I was able to step back into work right where I left off. I even got a pat on the back and some encouragment from friends and co-workers. It felt nice and validating and at this point, thats really what I needed.