Traded my Diaper bag for my Work bag today

Today I went to UNH to work in the lab and teach my fellow lab mate how to do some of my methods for his carotenoid work.

We made the plan to work in the lab weeks ago and I arranged someone to watch Isabel. Originally, I planned to bring her with me and have a friend watch her at school but that fell through. So, my brother in law, Scott came up and watched her for me.

As you may have noticed, Isabel and I are pretty much inseperable. I love her fiercely and rarely chose to be seperated from her....I am getting better at it as you can see but I think this stems from my rough start with her and not getting to bond as readily as most new moms due to the complications with her birth.

Anyway, the anticipation of leaving her to go to work has been building for weeks. Its not that Scott isn't wonderful with her. Actually he is one of few I would trust with her. Like J, he is patient, can handle her crying and genuinely loves her. She does well with him, I can see her trust in him and they enjoy each other. It makes me so happy that she will have another strong and wonderful male role model in her life. I only had one uncle I was close to and saw frequently and I hope that this relationship with Scott will grow as she does. She's a lucky and loved little girl thats for sure.

So back to today. I had an appointment in the morning so in a way it was good I didn't have all morning to sit around dwelling on how I was leaving my baby for the afternoon. When Scott arrived, I had just nursed Isabel and she was between naps and chipper.

What struck me the most about this day was that I was finally the mom that scurried around as they got settled and reaquainted. I packed my work bag and made him a sandwhich (this is tough to do when holding a baby). I changed my top and fixed my hair and was ready as I ever would be to go. I ran down the contact info and how to make her bottle (as if he didn't know ;) I think it made me feel better at least. Then I quickly kissed her and slipped out while they played.

It was sort of anticlimatic. She didn't cry. She napped, ate a bottle, played and was chipper when I got home. She didn't even cry for me when she saw me, she was happy in Scott's arms.

Bittersweet?

Alittle, but reassuring too. The world didn't end just because I left her for a few hours. Scott did an amazing job with her and alone might I add (usually he watches her with Jess). I wouldn't expect anything less though! I have to say I am so greatful for Scott. He has really stepped up as her uncle (her only uncle) and a brother in law. He has been so generous with his time, home and love for Isabel and me. It means so much and Isabel has really transformed my relationship with Scott and I am really thankful for that. We always got along but now we are alot closer and I like that.

At work it was like nothing really changed and 6 months hadn't passed. It was a nice familiar feeling and though it was nice to do what I am good at, I don't really miss it! I am discovering just how contenting being Isabel's mom is for me. Not that I don't want to finish my PhD. or develop in my career after Isabel is bigger, I am just happy taking care of Isabel as my job. Its the most rewarding feeling in the world and I do it for free ;)

So, I will continue to work from home on my dissertation and go in once in a while. It just feels good to know that I can leave my little chickadee and life will be ok, especially when I can leave Isabel with her uncle (and/or her aunties ;)

So this is me letting go a bit and letting other people in our family love her for a bit. I wish everyone in our family go to do it more, she is a well loved baby!

Things you don't realize until after your baby is born

Everyone was quick to give me their sage advice on child rearing when I was pregnant, of course I nodded and took most of it with a grain of salt because of course I knew best or so I thought.

So far I have broken every 'rule' I had about what I would and would not do with my child. These include:
1. Letting my baby sleep in bed with me: I BF and initially that means alot of late night feedings. I thought I wouldn't mind the up and down and didn't want to start bad habits but in the end she slept in bed with me/us a couple of hrs. a night for a while.

2. Germs: I never wanted to be the germ phobe washing all the toys and poopy laundry religiously but now that Isabel had her first cold I do use the wipes and do the laundry pretty much all the time. However, I don't mind if our dogs lick her face/hands and I do have a five second rule for toys on the floor still

3. Pacifiers: Didn't want her to have them because I feared nipple confusion, result? She is a fierce sucker and will suck on anything but not really pacifiers...go figure!

4. Crying: In the beginning I tried to prevent it at all costs. Now? I usually know when a cry is for wet/dirty diaper, food or illness and when she just wants her mama. I have gotten better at letting her cry a bit when I knew its not going to throw her into a fit like it used to when she was 6-9 weeks.

5. Carrying the baby: I didn't know I would have a clingy baby, some are and some aren't I have the cling on kind that would be happy to be an added appendage if I let her. I pretty much carry or wear her alot of the day when we aren't playing or out and about. I have been able to put her down more now in the last month or so for her to play in her crib, swing or floor (sans the dogs) more often and have her like it.

6. 'We': Just like I never referred to Josh and I as being pregnant aka 'we're pregnant'. I never say 'we're teething, cranky, hungry, fussy, spitty etc.' because that would imply I am too!

Well you get the idea.....

I guess I had misconceptions about going back to work too. In my perfect world while pregnant I imagined I would need 6 weeks off to get my darling baby onto a schedule, where she napped in her crib 1-2h at a time and was happy and never cried for anything because I would intuitively know what was wrong and prevent her from getting upset... I am cracking up as I write this by the way.

Anyway I would go back to working from home for the rest of the semester and didn't really worry about sleep deprivation, entertaining the baby, taking care of myself or J. I figured it would all work itself out.

In reality.....

I had a traumatic birth experience that kept me hospitalized for weeks, a demanding/fussy (I would not call her colicky but close) and the family transition was really challenging.

I wanted to hold her all the time, prevent all cries, sleep next to her to make sure she was breathing, nurse her on demand and basically my world as I knew it stood still and Isabel consumed my world in a good way.

I didn't think I would be 'that' mom that would 'allow' herself to get so wrapped up in her baby that she would forget that life was happening outside her front door. That I could basically walk away from my almost completed PhD. and not look back.

Now.......
I am learning to balance my life with a child with the life I had before she was born. Its a slow and steady transition.

I am working on my dissertation in bits and pieces and submitting a paper this week go me!

I have ventured out to grocery shop and get a hair cut alone. This weekend J and I left Isabel with my sister and brother in law so we could go to lunch on a date.

She is even sleeping her own crib for the first time tonight......

I would call myself an attatched mom and thats a good thing. I didn't know I would be this kind of mom but I am proud of it. I don't mind that people may judge me for my descisions. Really, I don't care. I am doing what is best for Isabel, even if I naively thought I would be able to juggle it all and be back and work. Life happens and I am going with it. Parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual, though I wish it did ;) Its a fascinating and challenging journey but I am loving it everyday!