Mom's night out

Its 9:30pm and the raining is tapping on the windows, Liam is snuggled next to me and Ladybug is sleeping at my feet. J and Isabel are asleep and I feel like a big fat FAIL.

My wonderful neighbor hosted a party, ya know one of those show parties where you can buy stuff, this one was called '31' and it was purses, organizers, lunch bags etc.

I told J I was going to go...big step because it started at 7pm which was after Isabel's bedtime. Normally, for most kids they can go to sleep and stay asleep, but not my precious lil one.

So, I had reservations about going and J taking over.

At 6pm she conked out with me and we snuggled until 7pm when J got home. Even though it was raining and dreary all I had to do was walk one door down to my neighbors' house so even though I was nervous I went.

Her parties are always fun even if I usually only know one or two other people, she always makes me feel welcome and at ease.

It was freeing to go out and know J was home with Isabel who was already asleep and I felt like 'me' again, ya know the one that doesn't get into her PJs at 7pm and work on her dissertation from the couch 7 days a week. Yea, that 'me' that was a social butterfly, sang in choir, visited friends, went out to dinner...basically anything at night that occurred past 7pm!

Some would say its a choice I make to stay home at night with Isabel. Yes, it is. However, I am her mom and where else would I want to be most nights? I am not the kind of mom that would rather be out on a Saturday night with friends than home with my family. However, a night out once in a while would be nice or even an activity I enjoy.

I find myself wanting a little 'me' time... after a year of putting almost everything on hold, I am surprised and feeling a little guilty for feeling this way.

So there's the rub.

I love my daughter and our little family but now that I and Isabel have gained a little independence from each other I find myself wanting to get back into have a little bit of social life.

I know that's not wrong but now, how do I go about doing it?

Isabel has been going to bed earlier like between 6:30-7pm so I could get her to sleep and then go out in theory. The problem is that she wakes up on and off until I come to bed, we still bedshare at night. Some nights she sleeps straight through until dawn others she is up every hour until I go to bed.

Ugh.

I have tried delaying my response to put her back to sleep to see if she will do it herself and that rarely works. I have sent J in to do it and thats not working either. She wants mama and she wants to nurse.

Double Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I love the time with her and I HATE CIO, it doesn't work for her.

So what do I do? I end up doing what works but thats not helping when I need to go out at night.

So back to tonight, how did it turn out?

I lasted 1h and 15m.

I left at 7:15pm and J called (he promised to try everything) and then call. I hear Isabel wailing in the background and a tired J telling me she's been crying for 10m straight.

So, I wait 5 more minutes and gather my stuff and come home. I can hear her crying before I get in the house and I find her pacing the floor and crying. Ugh...just like the first two weeks at daycare.

I pick her up, she's instantly soothed, we rock and she asleep in minutes.

A mother's touch is nothing to fool with.

I had planned to go back over to my neighbors' but I am just drained. I feel defeated. Like I have failed and I am sitting here beating myself up because I can't get away for an hour at night.

This has nothing to do with J's parenting skills. He loves her and did his best to soothe her, she just wanted her momma and no one else and I know that's hard on J.

So, where do I go from here? How do I fix this? I feel like I don't like any or my options. I know she is going through the transition of daycare, teething molars and nursing less which all make her sleep like crap. Is this the time to force her to wean from nursing to sleep? Do I put her in her own room and say tough cookies? Do I revisit CIO?

It never feels like the right time to make a big change. If I have learned anything about Isabel is she does things when she is ready and forcing her is a loosing battle. Obviously, when it comes to somethings Mom wins like diaper changes, taking medicine and taking naps but I let other stuff slide, its not worth the battles!

I feel like this has become a 'woe is me' post and it isn't intentional. I also feel a little selfish for complaining about not being able to leave her for 'me' time.

I guess I am just needing to vent because I feel like a little balance is needed in my life and I am questioning how to make that happen!

Things you don't realize until after your baby is born

Everyone was quick to give me their sage advice on child rearing when I was pregnant, of course I nodded and took most of it with a grain of salt because of course I knew best or so I thought.

So far I have broken every 'rule' I had about what I would and would not do with my child. These include:
1. Letting my baby sleep in bed with me: I BF and initially that means alot of late night feedings. I thought I wouldn't mind the up and down and didn't want to start bad habits but in the end she slept in bed with me/us a couple of hrs. a night for a while.

2. Germs: I never wanted to be the germ phobe washing all the toys and poopy laundry religiously but now that Isabel had her first cold I do use the wipes and do the laundry pretty much all the time. However, I don't mind if our dogs lick her face/hands and I do have a five second rule for toys on the floor still

3. Pacifiers: Didn't want her to have them because I feared nipple confusion, result? She is a fierce sucker and will suck on anything but not really pacifiers...go figure!

4. Crying: In the beginning I tried to prevent it at all costs. Now? I usually know when a cry is for wet/dirty diaper, food or illness and when she just wants her mama. I have gotten better at letting her cry a bit when I knew its not going to throw her into a fit like it used to when she was 6-9 weeks.

5. Carrying the baby: I didn't know I would have a clingy baby, some are and some aren't I have the cling on kind that would be happy to be an added appendage if I let her. I pretty much carry or wear her alot of the day when we aren't playing or out and about. I have been able to put her down more now in the last month or so for her to play in her crib, swing or floor (sans the dogs) more often and have her like it.

6. 'We': Just like I never referred to Josh and I as being pregnant aka 'we're pregnant'. I never say 'we're teething, cranky, hungry, fussy, spitty etc.' because that would imply I am too!

Well you get the idea.....

I guess I had misconceptions about going back to work too. In my perfect world while pregnant I imagined I would need 6 weeks off to get my darling baby onto a schedule, where she napped in her crib 1-2h at a time and was happy and never cried for anything because I would intuitively know what was wrong and prevent her from getting upset... I am cracking up as I write this by the way.

Anyway I would go back to working from home for the rest of the semester and didn't really worry about sleep deprivation, entertaining the baby, taking care of myself or J. I figured it would all work itself out.

In reality.....

I had a traumatic birth experience that kept me hospitalized for weeks, a demanding/fussy (I would not call her colicky but close) and the family transition was really challenging.

I wanted to hold her all the time, prevent all cries, sleep next to her to make sure she was breathing, nurse her on demand and basically my world as I knew it stood still and Isabel consumed my world in a good way.

I didn't think I would be 'that' mom that would 'allow' herself to get so wrapped up in her baby that she would forget that life was happening outside her front door. That I could basically walk away from my almost completed PhD. and not look back.

Now.......
I am learning to balance my life with a child with the life I had before she was born. Its a slow and steady transition.

I am working on my dissertation in bits and pieces and submitting a paper this week go me!

I have ventured out to grocery shop and get a hair cut alone. This weekend J and I left Isabel with my sister and brother in law so we could go to lunch on a date.

She is even sleeping her own crib for the first time tonight......

I would call myself an attatched mom and thats a good thing. I didn't know I would be this kind of mom but I am proud of it. I don't mind that people may judge me for my descisions. Really, I don't care. I am doing what is best for Isabel, even if I naively thought I would be able to juggle it all and be back and work. Life happens and I am going with it. Parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual, though I wish it did ;) Its a fascinating and challenging journey but I am loving it everyday!