Things you don't realize until after your baby is born

Everyone was quick to give me their sage advice on child rearing when I was pregnant, of course I nodded and took most of it with a grain of salt because of course I knew best or so I thought.

So far I have broken every 'rule' I had about what I would and would not do with my child. These include:
1. Letting my baby sleep in bed with me: I BF and initially that means alot of late night feedings. I thought I wouldn't mind the up and down and didn't want to start bad habits but in the end she slept in bed with me/us a couple of hrs. a night for a while.

2. Germs: I never wanted to be the germ phobe washing all the toys and poopy laundry religiously but now that Isabel had her first cold I do use the wipes and do the laundry pretty much all the time. However, I don't mind if our dogs lick her face/hands and I do have a five second rule for toys on the floor still

3. Pacifiers: Didn't want her to have them because I feared nipple confusion, result? She is a fierce sucker and will suck on anything but not really pacifiers...go figure!

4. Crying: In the beginning I tried to prevent it at all costs. Now? I usually know when a cry is for wet/dirty diaper, food or illness and when she just wants her mama. I have gotten better at letting her cry a bit when I knew its not going to throw her into a fit like it used to when she was 6-9 weeks.

5. Carrying the baby: I didn't know I would have a clingy baby, some are and some aren't I have the cling on kind that would be happy to be an added appendage if I let her. I pretty much carry or wear her alot of the day when we aren't playing or out and about. I have been able to put her down more now in the last month or so for her to play in her crib, swing or floor (sans the dogs) more often and have her like it.

6. 'We': Just like I never referred to Josh and I as being pregnant aka 'we're pregnant'. I never say 'we're teething, cranky, hungry, fussy, spitty etc.' because that would imply I am too!

Well you get the idea.....

I guess I had misconceptions about going back to work too. In my perfect world while pregnant I imagined I would need 6 weeks off to get my darling baby onto a schedule, where she napped in her crib 1-2h at a time and was happy and never cried for anything because I would intuitively know what was wrong and prevent her from getting upset... I am cracking up as I write this by the way.

Anyway I would go back to working from home for the rest of the semester and didn't really worry about sleep deprivation, entertaining the baby, taking care of myself or J. I figured it would all work itself out.

In reality.....

I had a traumatic birth experience that kept me hospitalized for weeks, a demanding/fussy (I would not call her colicky but close) and the family transition was really challenging.

I wanted to hold her all the time, prevent all cries, sleep next to her to make sure she was breathing, nurse her on demand and basically my world as I knew it stood still and Isabel consumed my world in a good way.

I didn't think I would be 'that' mom that would 'allow' herself to get so wrapped up in her baby that she would forget that life was happening outside her front door. That I could basically walk away from my almost completed PhD. and not look back.

Now.......
I am learning to balance my life with a child with the life I had before she was born. Its a slow and steady transition.

I am working on my dissertation in bits and pieces and submitting a paper this week go me!

I have ventured out to grocery shop and get a hair cut alone. This weekend J and I left Isabel with my sister and brother in law so we could go to lunch on a date.

She is even sleeping her own crib for the first time tonight......

I would call myself an attatched mom and thats a good thing. I didn't know I would be this kind of mom but I am proud of it. I don't mind that people may judge me for my descisions. Really, I don't care. I am doing what is best for Isabel, even if I naively thought I would be able to juggle it all and be back and work. Life happens and I am going with it. Parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual, though I wish it did ;) Its a fascinating and challenging journey but I am loving it everyday!

Back to church

This morning we concured going back to church. It has been a LONG 4 months since we were there. I was sad we missed advent season and yet I had felt trepidation about going....

Would I be able to handle her fussing? What if she made a scene? What if she pooped an outfit? What if I needed to nurse her? Would I be able to pay attention?

I certainly didn't want to be one of THOSE parents (caps that because now that I am a parent I laugh at all the things that used to annoying me when I would watch other parents in public try to manage their kids).

We originally planned to attend the baptism class at 8am, which was going to be a push because thats when Isabel is either napping or just getting up. J and I decided that we would hold off on the class but go to the 9:45 service. J got up early in case we were going to the 8am but he looked wiped so I sent him to bed while I got Isabel ready.

Honestly, she was happy to swing in her swing so I made dessert for small group and sauce for dinner. I even managed to pump in case the mother's room was busy or I felt uncomfortable in there.

We managed to get out the door by 9:30 and found a spot in the New Mom/Expectant Mother's spot (thank goodness for those). We walked in just as the service started and nice folks moved in for us to sit on the end.

The worship music was playing and as I scooped Isabel out of the carrier Amazing Grace started to play. *gulp* this song gets me everytime for different reasons. It brings back memories of singing at Gordon, loved ones who have passed and of times when I have felt down, this song really enourages me.

Today, it brought me back to this summer. Standing in the pew, feet swollen, belly bulging and Isabel kicking from the inside. What an awesome feeling to be holding our baby girl, singing this song and rocking her in my arms. As I looked up at the worship team I could see adoring eyes gazing on Isabel. It makes this momma's heart swell thats for sure!

After the music and prayers and start of the sermon Isabel got antsy so I took her out, bottle in hand. After pacing around in the foyer with her for a bit I got the nerve to go into the mother's room. I don't know why I was worried about it. I guess I wasn't sure what to expect, if it would be cramped or something.

To my delight the room was awesome! It had rockers and stools and a bathroom with a changing station. The sermon was piped in and we can see the service through a window with a thin curtain. Hmmmmm....maybe I will stay in here for all the services :)

As I sat there with Isabel, she nursed her self to sleep and I was able to focus on the sermon. It was refreshing to hear it and to be able to be comfortable with Isabel in my arms. The only thing that would make it better was if J could be there with me. Other moms with their babies were in there so I wasn't alone at least. This boosts my confidence and desire to keep going to church. It feels managable and its what I have missed for so long.

I had wondered if we were missed and soon after the service two wonderful women came up to greet me and I felt so glad to see them. We want to join this church and were struggling to feel connected. It was just a little thing but just a warm greeting makes me feel more welcome and willing to join.

Up at 4am

So usually I am up at pre-dawn due to the needs of a one Miss Isabel. I did get up at 2am this morning to nurse and then fell asleep in the chair with her until 3am, put her down at 3:30 (she woke up of course). Then I was wide awake.

My mind has been spinning as I tried to go back to sleep about getting back to finishing my PhD. Needless to say keeping the momentum up is tougher than I thought it would be with a baby that likes to nap on me or with me rather than in her crib. Yes, I know I could make her sleep in her crib for naps but honestly it goes against every grain in my body to make her cry it out in her crib. Some of you have had success with CIO or babies that are good sleepers, I am afraid I do not have such a baby. Its fine with me and I have found ways to get things done while she sleeps. I wear her in the Moby wrap alot and I carry her around during her naps. Occassionally, she will sleep just fine in her crib albeit not as long as she would if she were on me or in her swing but its worth the effort.

So this morning I was lying in bed just itching to get something done on my dissertation so I just got up. I threw caution to the wind. So I might be tired later, I was likely going to be tired anyway ;)

I am picking away at the literature review and the methods chapters because they are mostly done and the first two and most manageable for me to write with out input from my advisor chapters. I managed to get work done until a little cry eminated from our room at about 5:45am.
During my writing session in the office however, I was transported back to my grad school days when it was all about me. I could make my own schedule, set and achieve tangeable goals that didn't revolve around laundry or other chores I can check off my new to do list. Anyway, I felt good, using my brain in a familiar way and felt satisified I was making progress.

Then that tiny cry got a bit louder and I pulled away to our room to scoop up Isabel. For a minute I felt disoriented. Its not that I forgot I was a mom but it was like I was rediscovering it for a brief moment. It was like 'oh yea' this is what I do now! She is what makes sense to me. Her needs, her coos, her daily life is my priority. Her warm snuggly body cuddled up to me and I suddenly felt awe that I am her mom. Wow. It still gets me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my work and I enjoy writing but I am so content being a mom its hard to feel drawn to work. Don't they say that the best job you can ever have is one you would do for free? Well if my job could just be motherhood, well I am already happily doing it and for free. But I think they also say work wouldn't be work if it didn't feel like well.... work and thats how I feel about my disseration. Who would rather spend time writing a dissertation than play with a chubby cheeked, cooing, giggling, beautiful baby girl?! Ummmmm no one... well maybe some of you are out there that would but I bet you don't have kids!!

So, alas 4am, we will likely be meeting alot these next few months because I am surprisingly alert at that time and not too drained by my busy days to think. It will be the biggest accomplistment of my life when I complete my dissertation and I have to drive to do it. If not for me and J but for our Isabel. To show her that her mom set a goal for herself and achieved it. She's hopefully going to see that I can be her mother and a scientist with a PhD. Even if its taking me longer than I thought it would to finish!

Commiting to church membership

Yesterday J and I went to our church's annual 'Pig Roast' an event for the community and church. I made brownie cupcakes to contribute to the event that satisfied my nesting needs for the day.

On a side note, I had been up almost all the night before suffering from the most horrendous heartburn I have ever had, I made the caramel apple cake (delish btw) and pulled pork sandwhiches (death of me for heartburn). So I spend Saturday napping and baking :)

We met up with our small group friends and made our way around the picnic. The food was great and it was really neat to run into people I work with and know around Durham including some ladies from my UNH water aerobics :)

One of the other reasons we went was to meet one of the church elders to say hello and confirm a time to meet today. We attended the membership class in July and decided to become members of this church. One of the parts of membership is meeting with an elder. We had been trying for weeks to make it happen so I am glad we are able to do it before the baby arrives. Turns out this elder and family literally live 8 houses down from us ;)

So we met this morning and discussed membership and our backgrounds and our intentions for being involved in the church. It was a good time of fellowship. One of the things we have to consider is adult baptism. This church is a non-denominational church but was founded on baptist principles.

How do I feel about this?
Well, at first I was looking at it more as a formality and almost felt weird about doing it because I consider myself more of a mature Christian rather than a new one. But the more I think about it the more I think it would be a good opportunity for J and I to affirm our faith together. We don't have to be baptized in the church, we can do it on our own. So we are considering how and when we will do it. We both were infant baptized. I don't think its necessarily wrong to only be infant baptized but I do think being baptized as an adult or when you are able to know Christ and accept Him into your heart then thats when baptism should be done.

So what about our baby?
We like the idea of infant dedication, a commitment in front of the church to raise our daughter to know God but we would let her get baptized when she is old enough to know and accept Christ into her heart.

So, we are waiting to join officially but it feels good to be settling into a church family again. Even the elder's wife was sweet enough to offer to help out when the baby is born. That just meant alot! Church family are valuable and I have missed being a part of one!

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On another note, I am struggling to be patient. All weekend I have known that my OB is on-call this weekend through Tuesday. I really want her to deliver the baby and I feel anxious at the thought that next week the French Dr. is on-call and would deliver her... ugh! If the baby doesn't come by next weekend then I will be induced on that Monday. I am just so up in the air with all this... definetly not in control! Guess I should get used to it! I really hope she comes today.. my Great Aunt Carolyn predicted she would come today...we'll see!