What would I give up?

Last night, as I stroked Isabel's downy soft hair away from her feverish forehead nothing else mattered. My mind wandered as she laid next to me squirming around as she fell deeper into sleep.

What would I give up so I could stay home longer?

For the last couple of days I have had a heavy heart thinking that these moments together where its just us will end.

I have cherished the gift of motherhood and the gift I feel like God granted us to be parents to this beautiful baby girl. I couldn't feel happier.

J and I however, have known that me staying home wouldn't likely be feasible forever. I had planned to go to work p/t this fall and work for my advisor. It would give me more face time with him (dissertation wise) and start the transition for Isabel to another caregiver on a part time basis.

It would only be 12h or so and I would hire a babysitter. I am feeling good about this plan.

The spring is another story, I have the chance to interview for a position at UNH that is right up my alley. The catch? Its full time and for 3 years renewable.

I wouldn't have blinked at this before Isabel was born.

Now?
Its a gut wrenching decision.

Do I put her in full time daycare at 15 months and consider it fortunate she got me at home for so long? Do I just hope that it all works out?

This may sound like I think I am entitled or am not greatful for the time I have had with her.

That's not what I am saying.

I think we could find a good daycare fit for her and she would adjust eventually.

And money is tight, we need to find a way to make ends meet. The solution is for me to work.

Or is it?
This week as I have been looking at daycares and home daycare and babysitters and every combination in between it almost feels like I would be working just to break even.

We don't have back up if she is sick and can't go to daycare. Once we start down this path it will be tough to go back especially if I change my mind and want to stay home.

I really want to patch it together and work part time if we can make it work.

Also in the balance is my career.

Give up this chance to teach, this perfect first job opportunity out of my PhD.? Feels like alot to give up. Put on hold?

I have always known that God has a plan for my life. I don't feel like I am sure what it is but I know that I am on the right path.

I knew becoming a mom would change my life and yet I couldn't anticipate how fulfilled I feel to the point where this is all I want to do.

I may not have this luxury for much longer but I am going to put in one last ditch effort to make it work.

I am pretty good at scrimping and pinching, as I never grew up with alot of money and was a typical work 3 jobs college student. Here is what I am willing to give up:

My cell phone with data plan: I will go back to regular phone that can text and make calls

Cable TV: We don't watch it much during the day or even at night, I will miss Food Network and TLC but we will survive with Netflix

Coffee: No more DD drivethru, I will live!

Clothes: Hahaha well I will still wear them of course but if they come second hand or from Walmart that's ok

Haircut/Pedi: I don't get my haircut as much but no coloring or pedi's

Lunch out: Well I am going to cut back even more and bring my lunch whenever I can unless it costs less to buy it out than go to the store to make it.

I am sure there will be more to cut back on but for now thats my plan. Even if I can work just p/t for another year I think that will make all the difference for both of us.