Last week we transitioned Isabel to her crib. Yes, she is 5 months but I wasn't ready even though now I can see she was.
She was sleeping in our room in her Pack n Play and was waking up 2-4x a night and I just new that she was waking herself up wiggling around in her PNP. So after she got over being sick, I decided I had to suck it up and put her in her crib down the hall.
The first night was not as tough as I thought it would be. I gave her a bath, put her PJs on and nursed her in my arms until asleep and rocked for a while. I had her sleep sheep on and the lights off with a night light. She went down at 8pm and slept until 1am. I heard her crying on the monitor and rocked her and put her back down until 3am. Then she was up at 5am where I nursed her and she slept until 7am.
Granted she was up alot that first night but the subsequent nights are getting better with the exception of last night. She did not go down easily, she fought sleep and woke up every 30m for 3h. despite being fed, changed and warm enough. Finally at midnight I admitted defeat and let her sleep next to me for 2h and put her down in her crib until 6am.
I think the transition is going well and she is even starting to nap in her crib so thats huge!
I actually like this new routine and it actually feels familiar from when I was a nanny/babysitter. I crave routine and I think she does too so this is helping both of us. Plus since she is going down easier in this new routine instead of how it used to be in our room, I get 2h to myself before I go to bed and can read etc. in our room like I used to.
On the down side, my PTSD has been fierce at night. Even though this crib thing is going so well, my mind starts racing at night. I have been reliving parts of the trauma lately through more flashbacks and nightmares. I am not entirely sure why its getting worse, I think its because I am physically feeling better. And I am feeling some stress with this transition into her room, thankfully she is no worse for the wear!
In other news, I signed up for WW. The Points Plus program is a combo of old and new WW and I think I like it. I hate counting points but its become alot more scientific and not based primarily on calories but on fat, protein and carbs. I think it will reduce my empty calorie eating and fruits and veggies are free!
I am doing it online and weighing myself 1x a week. I am having J weigh me and record it, I only want to know if I am going up or down and not focusing on the number. I think this will help with accountability.
I signed up for 3 months. I am committing to losing 10% of my body weight and I am not going to diet forever. I think BFing will help and I get more points as a result so I am not starving. Its flexible and easier than say SouthBeach right now. I like SB it works well but not with a baby and eating one handed and shopping quickly at the grocery store.
My mantra? I can do this, I wanna be a fit mama!
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
A note to my dear Isabel
To my Isabel,
Tonight, as I rocked you to sleep I fell in love with you even more. Feeling your warm cheeks rest on my arm and hearing your breathing, is so soothing. Love feeling your body getting heavier as you drifted off and I hate that I have to put you down in your crib, I would hold you all night if I could.
I keep going in to check on you now that you are a big girl sleeping in your own crib. But thats ok, thats what moms do.
If feel like you are growing and changing to much! Your giggles are infectious, you are so strong, you can stand up and sit up so well. When you smile, your little dimples appear and all the coos and noises you make make me smile.
Sometimes you look at me as if you are about to open your mouth and have a conversation. You are so bright, your eyes sparkle and I cherish our little moments. Especially when you stop nursing and look up at me while I am talking or when you giggle with glee when I play patty cake with you.
I love the little girl you are turning into. I love watching you grow and change. You are so special little one. I love you so much and life is so much better with you in my life. You are a sweet girl.
I just want you to know how much I love you and enjoy every day with you!
Tonight, as I rocked you to sleep I fell in love with you even more. Feeling your warm cheeks rest on my arm and hearing your breathing, is so soothing. Love feeling your body getting heavier as you drifted off and I hate that I have to put you down in your crib, I would hold you all night if I could.
I keep going in to check on you now that you are a big girl sleeping in your own crib. But thats ok, thats what moms do.
If feel like you are growing and changing to much! Your giggles are infectious, you are so strong, you can stand up and sit up so well. When you smile, your little dimples appear and all the coos and noises you make make me smile.
Sometimes you look at me as if you are about to open your mouth and have a conversation. You are so bright, your eyes sparkle and I cherish our little moments. Especially when you stop nursing and look up at me while I am talking or when you giggle with glee when I play patty cake with you.
I love the little girl you are turning into. I love watching you grow and change. You are so special little one. I love you so much and life is so much better with you in my life. You are a sweet girl.
I just want you to know how much I love you and enjoy every day with you!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Trying not to complain but this may be a bit of a rant
Ugh, today is just one of those days.... it started off so well! Isabel made it through the night in her crib for the second night only getting up 1x to nurse... yahoo!
I had a Dr. apt in the morning for well, constipation that has plagued me for the last 3 months (I think it was the 10 weeks of IV meds...) the apt. was great and Isabel was an angel and well loved there!
I decided to go and visit my grandparents because they missed Isabel and haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. Only when I get there she starts crying, she's fussy and I am trying to manage her with out sounding/looking like a crazy over protective mom. She always acts funny when there...but I thought today it may be her ear or teeth.
I had to meet J at the dealership to drop my car off and it was around Isabel's last nap of the day and I figured she would nap there and back, despite her bad day of naps...they were short and light.
Oh, I was so wrong! She cried hysterically...think back to my hair apt. fiasco. I sang, I played music, I tried to give her a paci....nothing worked. Not even when I got to the dealership. Of course when I took her out of the carrier she was ok but started wailing as soon as she went back in.
It was so bad we stopped 1/2 way home for me to nurse/comfort her. We thought it might be her ears and called the pedi which was still open but couldn't take us tonight. So home we went with a dropper full of Tylenol that smart mommy (that's the rarer version of me that thinks ahead) packed in her diaper bag that day.
Thankfully, at home she perked up settled into her new routine (starting at 7:15pm of PJs (bath but not tonight), nurse, rocking and bed. She was out by 8:15pm and so far still sleeping at 10:50pm.
However, I heard on the monitor about an hour ago a huge sad meow and I ran upstairs to find Zoe our kitty pacing around. She is an out of the box pee'er so I expected to find pee somewhere. She ran into our office, squatted and instead POOPED on the floor. SERIOUSLY???? Ugh!
J came up to see what was happening and was dry heaving at the door because he hates poop smells! I cleaned up but now I don't know what is up with Zoe.
So I have a potentially sick baby and kitty and a busy day and weekend coming up.
All this really isn't earth shattering or terrible just hassle-y and a bit stressful but I know I can manage ;)
With 2 cats, 2 dogs and 1 baby I am definetly outnumbered and deal with a lot more poop these days!
I had a Dr. apt in the morning for well, constipation that has plagued me for the last 3 months (I think it was the 10 weeks of IV meds...) the apt. was great and Isabel was an angel and well loved there!
I decided to go and visit my grandparents because they missed Isabel and haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. Only when I get there she starts crying, she's fussy and I am trying to manage her with out sounding/looking like a crazy over protective mom. She always acts funny when there...but I thought today it may be her ear or teeth.
I had to meet J at the dealership to drop my car off and it was around Isabel's last nap of the day and I figured she would nap there and back, despite her bad day of naps...they were short and light.
Oh, I was so wrong! She cried hysterically...think back to my hair apt. fiasco. I sang, I played music, I tried to give her a paci....nothing worked. Not even when I got to the dealership. Of course when I took her out of the carrier she was ok but started wailing as soon as she went back in.
It was so bad we stopped 1/2 way home for me to nurse/comfort her. We thought it might be her ears and called the pedi which was still open but couldn't take us tonight. So home we went with a dropper full of Tylenol that smart mommy (that's the rarer version of me that thinks ahead) packed in her diaper bag that day.
Thankfully, at home she perked up settled into her new routine (starting at 7:15pm of PJs (bath but not tonight), nurse, rocking and bed. She was out by 8:15pm and so far still sleeping at 10:50pm.
However, I heard on the monitor about an hour ago a huge sad meow and I ran upstairs to find Zoe our kitty pacing around. She is an out of the box pee'er so I expected to find pee somewhere. She ran into our office, squatted and instead POOPED on the floor. SERIOUSLY???? Ugh!
J came up to see what was happening and was dry heaving at the door because he hates poop smells! I cleaned up but now I don't know what is up with Zoe.
So I have a potentially sick baby and kitty and a busy day and weekend coming up.
All this really isn't earth shattering or terrible just hassle-y and a bit stressful but I know I can manage ;)
With 2 cats, 2 dogs and 1 baby I am definetly outnumbered and deal with a lot more poop these days!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Things you don't realize until after your baby is born
Everyone was quick to give me their sage advice on child rearing when I was pregnant, of course I nodded and took most of it with a grain of salt because of course I knew best or so I thought.
So far I have broken every 'rule' I had about what I would and would not do with my child. These include:
1. Letting my baby sleep in bed with me: I BF and initially that means alot of late night feedings. I thought I wouldn't mind the up and down and didn't want to start bad habits but in the end she slept in bed with me/us a couple of hrs. a night for a while.
2. Germs: I never wanted to be the germ phobe washing all the toys and poopy laundry religiously but now that Isabel had her first cold I do use the wipes and do the laundry pretty much all the time. However, I don't mind if our dogs lick her face/hands and I do have a five second rule for toys on the floor still
3. Pacifiers: Didn't want her to have them because I feared nipple confusion, result? She is a fierce sucker and will suck on anything but not really pacifiers...go figure!
4. Crying: In the beginning I tried to prevent it at all costs. Now? I usually know when a cry is for wet/dirty diaper, food or illness and when she just wants her mama. I have gotten better at letting her cry a bit when I knew its not going to throw her into a fit like it used to when she was 6-9 weeks.
5. Carrying the baby: I didn't know I would have a clingy baby, some are and some aren't I have the cling on kind that would be happy to be an added appendage if I let her. I pretty much carry or wear her alot of the day when we aren't playing or out and about. I have been able to put her down more now in the last month or so for her to play in her crib, swing or floor (sans the dogs) more often and have her like it.
6. 'We': Just like I never referred to Josh and I as being pregnant aka 'we're pregnant'. I never say 'we're teething, cranky, hungry, fussy, spitty etc.' because that would imply I am too!
Well you get the idea.....
I guess I had misconceptions about going back to work too. In my perfect world while pregnant I imagined I would need 6 weeks off to get my darling baby onto a schedule, where she napped in her crib 1-2h at a time and was happy and never cried for anything because I would intuitively know what was wrong and prevent her from getting upset... I am cracking up as I write this by the way.
Anyway I would go back to working from home for the rest of the semester and didn't really worry about sleep deprivation, entertaining the baby, taking care of myself or J. I figured it would all work itself out.
In reality.....
I had a traumatic birth experience that kept me hospitalized for weeks, a demanding/fussy (I would not call her colicky but close) and the family transition was really challenging.
I wanted to hold her all the time, prevent all cries, sleep next to her to make sure she was breathing, nurse her on demand and basically my world as I knew it stood still and Isabel consumed my world in a good way.
I didn't think I would be 'that' mom that would 'allow' herself to get so wrapped up in her baby that she would forget that life was happening outside her front door. That I could basically walk away from my almost completed PhD. and not look back.
Now.......
I am learning to balance my life with a child with the life I had before she was born. Its a slow and steady transition.
I am working on my dissertation in bits and pieces and submitting a paper this week go me!
I have ventured out to grocery shop and get a hair cut alone. This weekend J and I left Isabel with my sister and brother in law so we could go to lunch on a date.
She is even sleeping her own crib for the first time tonight......
I would call myself an attatched mom and thats a good thing. I didn't know I would be this kind of mom but I am proud of it. I don't mind that people may judge me for my descisions. Really, I don't care. I am doing what is best for Isabel, even if I naively thought I would be able to juggle it all and be back and work. Life happens and I am going with it. Parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual, though I wish it did ;) Its a fascinating and challenging journey but I am loving it everyday!
So far I have broken every 'rule' I had about what I would and would not do with my child. These include:
1. Letting my baby sleep in bed with me: I BF and initially that means alot of late night feedings. I thought I wouldn't mind the up and down and didn't want to start bad habits but in the end she slept in bed with me/us a couple of hrs. a night for a while.
2. Germs: I never wanted to be the germ phobe washing all the toys and poopy laundry religiously but now that Isabel had her first cold I do use the wipes and do the laundry pretty much all the time. However, I don't mind if our dogs lick her face/hands and I do have a five second rule for toys on the floor still
3. Pacifiers: Didn't want her to have them because I feared nipple confusion, result? She is a fierce sucker and will suck on anything but not really pacifiers...go figure!
4. Crying: In the beginning I tried to prevent it at all costs. Now? I usually know when a cry is for wet/dirty diaper, food or illness and when she just wants her mama. I have gotten better at letting her cry a bit when I knew its not going to throw her into a fit like it used to when she was 6-9 weeks.
5. Carrying the baby: I didn't know I would have a clingy baby, some are and some aren't I have the cling on kind that would be happy to be an added appendage if I let her. I pretty much carry or wear her alot of the day when we aren't playing or out and about. I have been able to put her down more now in the last month or so for her to play in her crib, swing or floor (sans the dogs) more often and have her like it.
6. 'We': Just like I never referred to Josh and I as being pregnant aka 'we're pregnant'. I never say 'we're teething, cranky, hungry, fussy, spitty etc.' because that would imply I am too!
Well you get the idea.....
I guess I had misconceptions about going back to work too. In my perfect world while pregnant I imagined I would need 6 weeks off to get my darling baby onto a schedule, where she napped in her crib 1-2h at a time and was happy and never cried for anything because I would intuitively know what was wrong and prevent her from getting upset... I am cracking up as I write this by the way.
Anyway I would go back to working from home for the rest of the semester and didn't really worry about sleep deprivation, entertaining the baby, taking care of myself or J. I figured it would all work itself out.
In reality.....
I had a traumatic birth experience that kept me hospitalized for weeks, a demanding/fussy (I would not call her colicky but close) and the family transition was really challenging.
I wanted to hold her all the time, prevent all cries, sleep next to her to make sure she was breathing, nurse her on demand and basically my world as I knew it stood still and Isabel consumed my world in a good way.
I didn't think I would be 'that' mom that would 'allow' herself to get so wrapped up in her baby that she would forget that life was happening outside her front door. That I could basically walk away from my almost completed PhD. and not look back.
Now.......
I am learning to balance my life with a child with the life I had before she was born. Its a slow and steady transition.
I am working on my dissertation in bits and pieces and submitting a paper this week go me!
I have ventured out to grocery shop and get a hair cut alone. This weekend J and I left Isabel with my sister and brother in law so we could go to lunch on a date.
She is even sleeping her own crib for the first time tonight......
I would call myself an attatched mom and thats a good thing. I didn't know I would be this kind of mom but I am proud of it. I don't mind that people may judge me for my descisions. Really, I don't care. I am doing what is best for Isabel, even if I naively thought I would be able to juggle it all and be back and work. Life happens and I am going with it. Parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual, though I wish it did ;) Its a fascinating and challenging journey but I am loving it everyday!
Monday, February 21, 2011
10 things about me... ok maybe more
1. I have never visited New York City (driven through it), but I have been to Italy, Austria, Germany and France but clearly a 4h drive to NYC is too much for me!
2. I can function on 2h of sleep and manage to be coherent, which I learned after having Isabel
3. If I wasn't studying to become a PhD. in Biology I would have loved to be a nurse, but when I get my PhD. I will be the first female in the family to get one
4. I don't like cooked green peppers, can tolerate BBQ sauce and hate the smell of ketchup but will eat it with fries :)
5. I have synesthesia, I can see letters, numbers and sounds in color... don't believe me, google it!
6. I love to bake and am actually making a cheesecake at the moment even though its only 8am
7. If given the choice of doing something fun for me or sleep, I would choose sleep these days
8. I don't like showers of anykind, baby or wedding but for close friends I will go and be a good sport but I don't love them! With that said, I had 2 great showers per my sisters and it was very nice and semi-untraditional
9. My favorite color is yellow
10. I am A+ but Is and J are A-
11. I could eat a whole batch of brownies if ya let me
12. I am fraternal triplet and no, I am not 'different or special' just fraternal with blonde hair
13. Isabel is my first child and the first grandbaby on both sides
14. Out of my sisters and I, I was the last to drive or do most cool things but first to get my period, have surgery and get the shots ;/
15. I have 2 cats and 2 dogs that started our family and with Is some days I feel out numbered
16. My favorite vegetables are asparagus, winter squash, and tomatoes but onlyif they are from the garden
What else do ya wanna know blog friends? Leave a comment and I will attempt to answer ;)
2. I can function on 2h of sleep and manage to be coherent, which I learned after having Isabel
3. If I wasn't studying to become a PhD. in Biology I would have loved to be a nurse, but when I get my PhD. I will be the first female in the family to get one
4. I don't like cooked green peppers, can tolerate BBQ sauce and hate the smell of ketchup but will eat it with fries :)
5. I have synesthesia, I can see letters, numbers and sounds in color... don't believe me, google it!
6. I love to bake and am actually making a cheesecake at the moment even though its only 8am
7. If given the choice of doing something fun for me or sleep, I would choose sleep these days
8. I don't like showers of anykind, baby or wedding but for close friends I will go and be a good sport but I don't love them! With that said, I had 2 great showers per my sisters and it was very nice and semi-untraditional
9. My favorite color is yellow
10. I am A+ but Is and J are A-
11. I could eat a whole batch of brownies if ya let me
12. I am fraternal triplet and no, I am not 'different or special' just fraternal with blonde hair
13. Isabel is my first child and the first grandbaby on both sides
14. Out of my sisters and I, I was the last to drive or do most cool things but first to get my period, have surgery and get the shots ;/
15. I have 2 cats and 2 dogs that started our family and with Is some days I feel out numbered
16. My favorite vegetables are asparagus, winter squash, and tomatoes but onlyif they are from the garden
What else do ya wanna know blog friends? Leave a comment and I will attempt to answer ;)
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I've been biten
If I didn't mention it yet, my dear sweet baby girl has cut her first two teeth, yes two! And at once, two weeks ago. Its early for them I know....
Honestly, I was dreading this milestone as a nursing mom (selfish I know). She's exclusively breastfed still so I knew this was going to get tricky.
Prior to getting teeth she had a couple of times where she clamped down with her gums and that hurt. But today was different.
I have been letting her nurse longer and more on one side since she favors it, especially while she's been sick.
Today, she bit down and broke skin. That very tender sensitive skin. Its on the side she loves and as soon as she did it I took her off to which she let out a very heartbreaking sob. But thats what they say to do so I did it.
I put her back on and the pain was well a 10, the kind that takes your breath away. It stung and burned and was pretty much excrutiating.
So, I had to nurse her on the other side and thankfully she went to sleep with out needing both sides.
Ugh. Honestly, this sucks!
I absolutely love breastfeeding and I know this is a bump in the road but its frustrating. I love her so much even though she is inadvertently hurting me. Ah, a mother's love.
Hopefully with ice, Tylenol and Lansinoh cream it should feel better in the morning.
Yea, who would have thought I would be blogging about damaged nipples on a Saturday night, how I live the life ;) Not complaining but it does cause me to reminisce about my days pre-baby. Those days were fun, but these days nipple pain and all are priceless!
On another note, a dear friend had her baby shower and Isabel and I went. I was nervous since it was at 9am an hr. away but it went well and I got to play proud mama and got to pass Isabel around which she really enjoyed, so did I!
Honestly, I was dreading this milestone as a nursing mom (selfish I know). She's exclusively breastfed still so I knew this was going to get tricky.
Prior to getting teeth she had a couple of times where she clamped down with her gums and that hurt. But today was different.
I have been letting her nurse longer and more on one side since she favors it, especially while she's been sick.
Today, she bit down and broke skin. That very tender sensitive skin. Its on the side she loves and as soon as she did it I took her off to which she let out a very heartbreaking sob. But thats what they say to do so I did it.
I put her back on and the pain was well a 10, the kind that takes your breath away. It stung and burned and was pretty much excrutiating.
So, I had to nurse her on the other side and thankfully she went to sleep with out needing both sides.
Ugh. Honestly, this sucks!
I absolutely love breastfeeding and I know this is a bump in the road but its frustrating. I love her so much even though she is inadvertently hurting me. Ah, a mother's love.
Hopefully with ice, Tylenol and Lansinoh cream it should feel better in the morning.
Yea, who would have thought I would be blogging about damaged nipples on a Saturday night, how I live the life ;) Not complaining but it does cause me to reminisce about my days pre-baby. Those days were fun, but these days nipple pain and all are priceless!
On another note, a dear friend had her baby shower and Isabel and I went. I was nervous since it was at 9am an hr. away but it went well and I got to play proud mama and got to pass Isabel around which she really enjoyed, so did I!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I knew it was going to happen eventually...
my baby got sick.
Out of the blue last Thursday she woke up grumpy and not really herself. I thought it was her new teeth bothering her and yet she was still drooly and her nose was running and just didn't seem herself. I took her to UNH for a meeting I had and she did pretty well and on the way home I thought, did I give her a chill because walking the campus froze me to the BONE!
Well Friday morning my sister, Jolene came to visit in the morning and poor Isabel just cried from almost the moment she woke up. So unlike her. Nothing made her happy and believe me I pulled out all the stops with Jolene. I nursed her, rocked her, gave her tylenol, swaddled her took her out on the porch inthe chilly air, Jolene held her and then enlisted the help of a mom friend that suggested a bath. Ahhhhh...happy baby returned briefly to us in the steamy bathroom and warm tubby. But sadly it didn't last.
By noon my sister was heading out (inside I wanted to cry because she was leaving and I had a sick baby on my hands) I sucked it up and called the pedi.
I had been dreading the sick baby visit. Ugh. I knew I would feel helpless and I totally did. Watching my sweet girl's face crinkle up and wail, it was heartbreaking like any mother would know.
I made J come home for the pedi apt which wasn't at our pedi's office because we couldn't get squeezed in so I wanted him there to help me.
Of course we get there and Isabel is pretty cheery even getting her temp taken. She loves to be naked so that helps! Temp was 101!!! I knew she was feverish but I was getting 99 at home. The pedi said she'd seen this all day long in other patients and sent us home with instructions to keep nursing, saline drops and suctioning her nose and lots of sleep for her (not us sadly).
Over the weekend her temp went up and down and her nose kept running. I was in a word a wreck. I just couldn't stand her being sick and not being able to help her. She nursed less, slept more and yet when she was up she was surprisingly cheery.
Sunday, mom came up for the day and J went to work. It was nice to have my mom there to watch Isabel and make sure she was ok and gave me a break. I even managed to sneak out to the grocery store while Isabel was napping.
On a side note: that was kind of a big deal me going to the store ALONE. Something I took for granted pre-baby. I made the trip quick but it was nice to meal plan and browse without loosing my train of thought watching Isabel. I took my mom's car which helped too because I didn't feel sad when I saw the car seat empty. I even got some food prepped for the week when I got home.. AMAZING!
By Monday though, Isabel's cough was hoarse and junky and her fever was up. So I called my pedi's office who I am sure were placating me and had me come in that afternoon. The nurse said after the 3rd time I called that it was a cold but because it was her first to bring her in so I could feel reassured. I was annoyed at that because I know its new to me but she seemed worse.
My pedi is awesome, love her and trust her with Isabel's life. Fortunately, even though I had to go alone to the apt. Isabel was a gem. She napped in the car and was cheerful in the office. Dr. Bonesho was happy to see her and checked her over. They took her temp and pulse ox which were normal but she had an ear infection.
Ah ha! Not that I wanted her to be sicker but it was still vindicating!
So off we went to get her meds, on Valentine's day no less. She was at least dressed up all cute for the day and in her pix you would not know she was sick.
Isabel hates the pink bubblegum amoxicillin. She gave me a scare the first time she took it. I guess the syringe hit her soft palate and she gagged and puked up a bunch of milk. Of course when I was alone....stressful!
We got through it and each day she's gotten better and her cough is better so thats a huge relief. God it good. He watches over my little one even when she is sick and gives me the strength to care for her.
This past week has been pretty sleepless. If she's not been up crying then I have been peaking in her crib to make sure she is still breathing. She even slept with me a bit in bed in the morning....something I swore I would NEVER do!
Today we were able to get and see our playgroup which was wonderful and she did great.
So all in all I have learned I do have mother's intuition, a sick baby is rough on mom but not as bad as I anticipated and I can trust my pedi. Also, that I can leave Isabel with trusted family and she will be OK.
On another side note....yes, this is the longest post ever but its been a while.....
My nightmares are back. I have had two very vivid very scary, totally unrelated to my trauma but so real I wake up having to repeat to myself 'it didn't happen' many times to calm down.
I guess its my brains' way of processing what happened in a safe way. I have been thinking alot about my case these couple of weeks and with Isabel being sick I think it raised my anxiety for sure.
I hate these dreams, they are horrendous and it robs me of the little sleep I get. I guess I could take the meds I have been offered for sleep but I know then I would really sleep soundly and I NEED to hear Isabel. So, unless they get more frequent I am going to just keep praying and working to get through each dream as it comes.
Out of the blue last Thursday she woke up grumpy and not really herself. I thought it was her new teeth bothering her and yet she was still drooly and her nose was running and just didn't seem herself. I took her to UNH for a meeting I had and she did pretty well and on the way home I thought, did I give her a chill because walking the campus froze me to the BONE!
Well Friday morning my sister, Jolene came to visit in the morning and poor Isabel just cried from almost the moment she woke up. So unlike her. Nothing made her happy and believe me I pulled out all the stops with Jolene. I nursed her, rocked her, gave her tylenol, swaddled her took her out on the porch inthe chilly air, Jolene held her and then enlisted the help of a mom friend that suggested a bath. Ahhhhh...happy baby returned briefly to us in the steamy bathroom and warm tubby. But sadly it didn't last.
By noon my sister was heading out (inside I wanted to cry because she was leaving and I had a sick baby on my hands) I sucked it up and called the pedi.
I had been dreading the sick baby visit. Ugh. I knew I would feel helpless and I totally did. Watching my sweet girl's face crinkle up and wail, it was heartbreaking like any mother would know.
I made J come home for the pedi apt which wasn't at our pedi's office because we couldn't get squeezed in so I wanted him there to help me.
Of course we get there and Isabel is pretty cheery even getting her temp taken. She loves to be naked so that helps! Temp was 101!!! I knew she was feverish but I was getting 99 at home. The pedi said she'd seen this all day long in other patients and sent us home with instructions to keep nursing, saline drops and suctioning her nose and lots of sleep for her (not us sadly).
Over the weekend her temp went up and down and her nose kept running. I was in a word a wreck. I just couldn't stand her being sick and not being able to help her. She nursed less, slept more and yet when she was up she was surprisingly cheery.
Sunday, mom came up for the day and J went to work. It was nice to have my mom there to watch Isabel and make sure she was ok and gave me a break. I even managed to sneak out to the grocery store while Isabel was napping.
On a side note: that was kind of a big deal me going to the store ALONE. Something I took for granted pre-baby. I made the trip quick but it was nice to meal plan and browse without loosing my train of thought watching Isabel. I took my mom's car which helped too because I didn't feel sad when I saw the car seat empty. I even got some food prepped for the week when I got home.. AMAZING!
By Monday though, Isabel's cough was hoarse and junky and her fever was up. So I called my pedi's office who I am sure were placating me and had me come in that afternoon. The nurse said after the 3rd time I called that it was a cold but because it was her first to bring her in so I could feel reassured. I was annoyed at that because I know its new to me but she seemed worse.
My pedi is awesome, love her and trust her with Isabel's life. Fortunately, even though I had to go alone to the apt. Isabel was a gem. She napped in the car and was cheerful in the office. Dr. Bonesho was happy to see her and checked her over. They took her temp and pulse ox which were normal but she had an ear infection.
Ah ha! Not that I wanted her to be sicker but it was still vindicating!
So off we went to get her meds, on Valentine's day no less. She was at least dressed up all cute for the day and in her pix you would not know she was sick.
Isabel hates the pink bubblegum amoxicillin. She gave me a scare the first time she took it. I guess the syringe hit her soft palate and she gagged and puked up a bunch of milk. Of course when I was alone....stressful!
We got through it and each day she's gotten better and her cough is better so thats a huge relief. God it good. He watches over my little one even when she is sick and gives me the strength to care for her.
This past week has been pretty sleepless. If she's not been up crying then I have been peaking in her crib to make sure she is still breathing. She even slept with me a bit in bed in the morning....something I swore I would NEVER do!
Today we were able to get and see our playgroup which was wonderful and she did great.
So all in all I have learned I do have mother's intuition, a sick baby is rough on mom but not as bad as I anticipated and I can trust my pedi. Also, that I can leave Isabel with trusted family and she will be OK.
On another side note....yes, this is the longest post ever but its been a while.....
My nightmares are back. I have had two very vivid very scary, totally unrelated to my trauma but so real I wake up having to repeat to myself 'it didn't happen' many times to calm down.
I guess its my brains' way of processing what happened in a safe way. I have been thinking alot about my case these couple of weeks and with Isabel being sick I think it raised my anxiety for sure.
I hate these dreams, they are horrendous and it robs me of the little sleep I get. I guess I could take the meds I have been offered for sleep but I know then I would really sleep soundly and I NEED to hear Isabel. So, unless they get more frequent I am going to just keep praying and working to get through each dream as it comes.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Running, really?
No, I would not classify myself as a runner maybe back in college. I would run up and down Grapevine Rd and Hull Rd.
Now? Not so much. I walked alot when I first got Ladybug and Liam but in the last couple of years. life has gotten in the way.
I have made alot of excuses for why I haven't dieted or exercised regularly. No more.
When I set my mind to do something I do it. I know I can do it. When I had gestational diabetes, I had to watch my diet carefully and be active everyday. It was easy in the summer, I walked, swam and did water aerobics.
Now, everything is admittedly 10x harder, even making a sandwhich is hard much less sticking to a diet plan....anyway I digress.
I have decided that with my mom friends I am going to do "Couch to 5k" and run the Redhook 5k in May on Memorial Day weekend. I have a jogging stroller and Isabel can come along.
No excuses.
I have 16 weeks to get back into some kind of shape. Sure my body is scarred, my feet are wider and my boobs are the size of dumbells but I am going to do it somehow.
I have a pretty flat neighborhood and my friend's neighborhoods are good too. So I am going to start slow and work my way up.
Running can for me be exhilerating and freeing. Its just me and the pavement. It is also a mental challenge to train my mind to make my body do something that hardly feels natural.
But its a challenge and it gives me a goal. Maybe I won't be able to stick to a strict diet right now with BF'ing and a busy baby but the exercise will help me trim down I bet.
There hopefully will be minimal $ investment, but I do need running shoes, pants and some kind of bra that will hold these boulders but I think I can swing that ;)
I think it will good for me mentally. I have been feeling cooped up and I need a goal that I can acheive and something to take my mind off the stress I feel in my life.
So here I go! You guys will keep me honest right?!
Now? Not so much. I walked alot when I first got Ladybug and Liam but in the last couple of years. life has gotten in the way.
I have made alot of excuses for why I haven't dieted or exercised regularly. No more.
When I set my mind to do something I do it. I know I can do it. When I had gestational diabetes, I had to watch my diet carefully and be active everyday. It was easy in the summer, I walked, swam and did water aerobics.
Now, everything is admittedly 10x harder, even making a sandwhich is hard much less sticking to a diet plan....anyway I digress.
I have decided that with my mom friends I am going to do "Couch to 5k" and run the Redhook 5k in May on Memorial Day weekend. I have a jogging stroller and Isabel can come along.
No excuses.
I have 16 weeks to get back into some kind of shape. Sure my body is scarred, my feet are wider and my boobs are the size of dumbells but I am going to do it somehow.
I have a pretty flat neighborhood and my friend's neighborhoods are good too. So I am going to start slow and work my way up.
Running can for me be exhilerating and freeing. Its just me and the pavement. It is also a mental challenge to train my mind to make my body do something that hardly feels natural.
But its a challenge and it gives me a goal. Maybe I won't be able to stick to a strict diet right now with BF'ing and a busy baby but the exercise will help me trim down I bet.
There hopefully will be minimal $ investment, but I do need running shoes, pants and some kind of bra that will hold these boulders but I think I can swing that ;)
I think it will good for me mentally. I have been feeling cooped up and I need a goal that I can acheive and something to take my mind off the stress I feel in my life.
So here I go! You guys will keep me honest right?!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Mom friends
This week was pretty uneventful as far as going places and doing stuff as it snowed most of the week. I was worried that cabin fever might set in with a baby in the winter but up until this point it really hadn't.
I am really fornuate to have become part of two mom's groups. One is a spin off of our BF support class and these are moms that are now back to work. We are trying to meet up at least once a month and stay in touch during the week via long email convos. This group is made up of moms with mostly girls Isabel's age so that is helpful and they all rock. Two of the even blog, here and here love that we have that in common!
There is another group of girls that are stay at home moms. All 3 of them have boys and Isabel is a 2 weeks-month younger than them. I will refer to the moms as C, E and J. I am thankful for each of them.
I met C in swim class and we instantly clicked like we were friends from grade school. We shared our aches, pains and anxiety all the up to and through delivery. Our babies are 8 days apart and both born emerency c-section. We have both had our struggles since the babies were born but have been there to support each other and encourage each other. Its eerie what we have in common, both have careers in science, went to UNH, have husbands that we've known since HS, went to Northeastern and are engineers! She is full of advice, wisdom and is a loyal and genuine friend. She's also encouraging me to run a 5k this spring, something I have always wanted to do! C is the glue between the moms in this group, like me she is a natural at bringing people together.
I met J in BF support 1x I think but really got to be friends when C invited me to walk the mall and then we started weekly playdates. Turns out we have a mutual friend who is also having a baby this spring. I feel like even though our babies are 1 mo apart they are so similar in temperment which helps me figure Isabel out. She is really down to earth, insightful and full of ideas of fun things to do with the babies.
I also met E through C when went for a walk at the mall. She met C in BF support at another hospital. She is working from home a bit like me so we share the struggle to juggle it all. She has a very laid back baby and she too is very calm, I love that because I wish I was more chill sometimes. She also had a c-section so it helps to talk about stuff post c-sec and relate. She, like C lived in Boston like J so they have lots of fun ideas for things to do there in the spring.
We all love getting together and probably would gtg everyday if we could, its a group of girls and babies I don't think I could get sick of! We share tips we've found work for our babies, pedi advice and compare baby gear, toys and clothes.
We gtg MWF, Mondays for BF/parents group at the hospital, W for Kindermusik and Panera and F is usually a playdate at one of each other's houses. Sometimes we mix it up and go to story time at B&N on Thursdays.
I look forward to getting out, even though its tough with winter and timing it right so I don't have a wailing baby. Many days I could convince myself to stay home because its easier but they give me the push I need, So what if Isabel cries, needs to bf or poops an outfit we are all in the same boat.
This week we only got out M and F and I was climbing the walls! Thank goodness for these girls, this is a special group! Its fun to watch the babies discover each other and grow, just looking at the pictures we took a month ago to now there is such a change. I am thankful for new friends, who don't replace my old ones but add to my life greatly.
I am really fornuate to have become part of two mom's groups. One is a spin off of our BF support class and these are moms that are now back to work. We are trying to meet up at least once a month and stay in touch during the week via long email convos. This group is made up of moms with mostly girls Isabel's age so that is helpful and they all rock. Two of the even blog, here and here love that we have that in common!
There is another group of girls that are stay at home moms. All 3 of them have boys and Isabel is a 2 weeks-month younger than them. I will refer to the moms as C, E and J. I am thankful for each of them.
I met C in swim class and we instantly clicked like we were friends from grade school. We shared our aches, pains and anxiety all the up to and through delivery. Our babies are 8 days apart and both born emerency c-section. We have both had our struggles since the babies were born but have been there to support each other and encourage each other. Its eerie what we have in common, both have careers in science, went to UNH, have husbands that we've known since HS, went to Northeastern and are engineers! She is full of advice, wisdom and is a loyal and genuine friend. She's also encouraging me to run a 5k this spring, something I have always wanted to do! C is the glue between the moms in this group, like me she is a natural at bringing people together.
I met J in BF support 1x I think but really got to be friends when C invited me to walk the mall and then we started weekly playdates. Turns out we have a mutual friend who is also having a baby this spring. I feel like even though our babies are 1 mo apart they are so similar in temperment which helps me figure Isabel out. She is really down to earth, insightful and full of ideas of fun things to do with the babies.
I also met E through C when went for a walk at the mall. She met C in BF support at another hospital. She is working from home a bit like me so we share the struggle to juggle it all. She has a very laid back baby and she too is very calm, I love that because I wish I was more chill sometimes. She also had a c-section so it helps to talk about stuff post c-sec and relate. She, like C lived in Boston like J so they have lots of fun ideas for things to do there in the spring.
We all love getting together and probably would gtg everyday if we could, its a group of girls and babies I don't think I could get sick of! We share tips we've found work for our babies, pedi advice and compare baby gear, toys and clothes.
We gtg MWF, Mondays for BF/parents group at the hospital, W for Kindermusik and Panera and F is usually a playdate at one of each other's houses. Sometimes we mix it up and go to story time at B&N on Thursdays.
I look forward to getting out, even though its tough with winter and timing it right so I don't have a wailing baby. Many days I could convince myself to stay home because its easier but they give me the push I need, So what if Isabel cries, needs to bf or poops an outfit we are all in the same boat.
This week we only got out M and F and I was climbing the walls! Thank goodness for these girls, this is a special group! Its fun to watch the babies discover each other and grow, just looking at the pictures we took a month ago to now there is such a change. I am thankful for new friends, who don't replace my old ones but add to my life greatly.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Growing up so fast!
So I used to nod and agree when family or friends would exclaim that kids grow up too fast but never really connected to it. Yea, kids grow up so?!
Well it hit me today, this morning actually with Isabel on the changing table.
Isabel has cut her first teeth, not one but TWO! They are the bottom front ones and though I was jumping up and down when I saw them, I felt wistful and a pang of sadness that my baby too was growing up and fast!
Last night I felt something sharp on her lower gums but she would let me look in there. This morning when I was changing her I decided to peak. Sure enough those two little white teeth were popping through.
J was in the other room and I was calling him jumping up and down exclaiming: "our baby has teeth!!!" He came in to inspect and agreed.
It is a milestone for sure. Just not one I thought we would reach at 4.5 months. She is my baby, a breastfed baby no less and if nothing else I am thinking about her little chompers for my own sake.
Nonetheless, it is a visible reminder that she is growing, not just taller and gaining weight but she is developing. She squawks, squeals, giggles and coos. She can bare weight on her feet. She can hold her head up on her belly. She can hold objects and bring them to her mouth. She's amazing really, at least this momma thinks so!
I really can't believe she has teeth! Wish I could take a picture but she won't let me!
Well it hit me today, this morning actually with Isabel on the changing table.
Isabel has cut her first teeth, not one but TWO! They are the bottom front ones and though I was jumping up and down when I saw them, I felt wistful and a pang of sadness that my baby too was growing up and fast!
Last night I felt something sharp on her lower gums but she would let me look in there. This morning when I was changing her I decided to peak. Sure enough those two little white teeth were popping through.
J was in the other room and I was calling him jumping up and down exclaiming: "our baby has teeth!!!" He came in to inspect and agreed.
It is a milestone for sure. Just not one I thought we would reach at 4.5 months. She is my baby, a breastfed baby no less and if nothing else I am thinking about her little chompers for my own sake.
Nonetheless, it is a visible reminder that she is growing, not just taller and gaining weight but she is developing. She squawks, squeals, giggles and coos. She can bare weight on her feet. She can hold her head up on her belly. She can hold objects and bring them to her mouth. She's amazing really, at least this momma thinks so!
I really can't believe she has teeth! Wish I could take a picture but she won't let me!
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