Pulling out the red recliner

When I stayed with my grandparents after Isabel was born and I was recovering. I slept in my grandpa's recliner that her graciously gave me when I moved back into my house. It even traveled with me to my sister's house when I stayed with her before I moved back. Awesome!

It was so sweet and also comfortable and familiar. It was also a well made recliner (of course because my grandpa buys quality) For the first few months of Isabel's life I slept in that recliner often, it was easier for me than getting up off the bed due to my c/s incision. I nursed Isabel often in that chair and her pack and play was right next to it so it was a good set up.

The recliner resides in our bedroom and I have stopped using it very much as Isabel tends to nurse laying down in bed.

What it is used for now is for comfort rocking when Isabel is sick. If she has an upper respiratory infection and coughing a lot sleeping against me helps her. I don't sleep but she does and I don't mind snuggling with her and just resting.

Last night, we pulled out the recliner at 1:30. Isabel was sleeping next to me and I woke up to her coughing. She was actually vomitting all over me and her.

****Turn away if you are squeamish about puke**********

I picked her up and she woke up and kept puking as I rushed her to the bathroom.

J came in and ran a bath and we cleaned her up. She was so tired poor thing but she continued to vomit.

Two pj changes later and a phone call to my mom. I decided to try to lay her down with me. I was pretty freaked out that she puked in her sleep but vowed to stay awake and watch her. It didn't take long for her to start puking again while lying down.

I scooped her up and she slept against me until 5am. She would slide off my lap and puke into a towel standing up and then I would pick her back up and lay her against me.

For some reason I turned the TV on and flipped to NOVA. It had a really depressing show on the melting of the polar ice caps due to global warming. But next was Botany of Desire. Of course I love botanical documentaries so I was thankful for something to keep me going while she was up on and off between 1:30 and 5am.

She wanted to lay down at 5am and we slept until 7am. She was surprisingly ok today. She didn't eat much but she napped, played and even snacked a bit.

I hate it when she is sick, its stressful and hard to see her suffering. Ugh.

She doesn't have a fever and didn't vomit today. I am not sure what to make of this virus. Not sure how it is going to play out and hoping tonight is better.

Today, was a daycare day and even though I could use the time to work on my dissertation, I relished the time we had together today. She's my world and my joy and even on sickie days we made the best of it. Including a little neighborhood stroll!

Christmas moments

With all the anticipation of the holidays, the rush to buy gifts and prepare for the celebrations its easy to get caught up and well stressed. This year there is a little more heaped on with the move and finishing my dissertation.

But somehow, we managed to get a tree, gift shop and visit ALL, thats right ALL of our relatives over three days.

Not gonna lie, going into Christmas eve, I had my doubts that it was going to go smoothly with all the driving and Isabel transitioning to one nap.

We ended up showing up late almost to every stop to accommodate Isabel and prevented an overtired toddler (aka disaster).

Was it relaxing for me? Not really but there were some moments of down time I did appreciate greatly!

Here are the moments I will savor:

Our Christmas tree

Watching Isabel marvel at our Christmas tree, it was small, sweet and perfect. Picked out by my mom and me and decorated humbly with her toys but every morning when I would turn it on she would exclaim "oooooh"

Opening gifts

Isabel opened mine and J's gifts' first. It was so fun to see her actually get into opening them. She had more fun opening packages than what was in them most of the time. I loved seeing her opening her stocking handed to her by great-grandpa. Sweet!

Adorable outfits

We went through 2 Christmas pjs and 3 Christmas dresses. It was fun to see her dressed up and looking like a doll. Seriously though, she could've worn anything and looked adorable! It did inspire me to dress up a bit more for the holidays and I have to say, I enjoyed it!

Precious moments with family

Watching her play peekaboo with my IL's on Christmas morning, playing bag on the head with Auntie Jackie, dragging her grandma, aunts and uncle up and down stairs in search of her fur cousins (hiding smartly under the beds) poor kitties! Watching her color with crayon and hit my sister's couch without even seeing my sis flinch (she must LOVE Isabel ;), watching her get fed dinner by her Auntie Jolene. I just love how she singles family members out and snuggles, hugs, plays chase or leads around the house. She is such a loving little girl and I am overjoyed!

Watching her dance

Isabel has rhythym. If you just say 'lets dance' she does, we clap and she bogies. Its the sweetest to watch and so fun its hard not to join in.

During all these visits I got a chance to sit back albeit briefly and take it all in. Isabel is transforming our Christmas gatherings. She brought so much joy to everyone she visited. Sure, I was tired but it was so fun to see everyone enjoying her and doing so much for her. Love Love Love, thats all I can say.

I look back to what I wrote about last year here and I knew it was best to stay home but it was lonely and not the same. This is the Christmas I was hoping for. Carrying on traditions, complete with stockings from my mom complete with clementines in it and new ones we are starting thanks to Isabel.

J and I are definitely stretched thin these last few weeks and we rush to pack and get through the holidays but he still found a way to make me feel special. He surprised me with a Kindle! It went over the budget we chose for gifts but it made me so happy! He really is a sweet guy!

Merry Christmas!

Its official

We are moving 1.3.12.

There I said it.

Does it seem real now?

Nope.

I keep oscillating between adrenaline rushes of panic about how much I have to pack and the holidays and my dissertation and being so sentimental and sad about moving.

It is quite the combination.

Let me illustrate.

Today, I raced off to Isabel's well baby 15 mo check up, btw she is doing awesome! 32 inches and 27lbs! No shots because she had a low grade fever but overall she's awesome. We had to break it to her pedi we are moving.

She was so sad because she was there at the delivery and really there for us through all the mess. She got up at the end and hugged J and said she could still remember his face as he waited with her outside the OR waiting for my c-section and the joy and worry and excitement he felt that day. He got misty and so did I. She saw her birth from a totally different perspective than I did. It was sweet that she remembered it so well. She said she still keeps her birth announcement on her desk.

Then, I have to send Isabel to school so I can work and have a meeting with one of my advisors before everyone leaves for the holidays. Ugh. I feel like all I did was rush and rush.

On the way to pick up Isabel my mind is racing and working to prioritize what needs to be done and in what order.

I am at that point where I have passed tired and am running on adrenaline. Its like finals week x a million!

I know we will get through it and I have awesome family that have offered to help pack (thank you thank you thank you).

I just feel rushed and its too many transitions at once.

Random bits

I have started like 80 million blog posts in my head this week but honestly, I am too tired to be coherent and so I will *borrow* the idea from my sister's blog and be random!

1. Through my sleep deprivation I have realized, I am able to function better than J does without a lot of sleep. But... I am not friendly. In fact, I am kind of snappy BUT I can still function, think clearly and make decisions. Good for taking care of baby, not great for the hubby! I am working on being nicer despite being sleep deprived. Sadly, its my new normal.dfdf

2. I hate scary movies or shows. They always find a way into my dreams. I have always hated them but since having PTSD it just makes it worse. Its funny, shows like, ER, Bones, Greys and Law and Order still bother me. I *know* these aren't supposed to be scary but they scare me!

3. I have a morning routine that I *need* to follow every morning. I get up with Isabel and make my coffee, toast or oatmeal, give her 1/2 of banana and drink my coffee. I need to eat and drink coffee before I can feel like myself. If I am feeling generous, I will make J breakfast too. I generally am not a chatty morning person. Isabel is changing this but pre-baby, J knew to stay out of my way. He used to make me breakfast but as grateful as I was, he made it slowly and I was so hungry I *may* not have seemed grateful!

4a. I have a messy car. I hate it. I am terrible about getting all the toys, cheerios, extra clothes, shoes, books and coffee cups out on a regular basis. I would like to do better but J kindly cleans my car at least once a month and I appreciate it. Sadly, it doesn't stay clean (which bugs him) but seriously, I can't help it. Maybe its because I grew up with a messy family car? hmmmmm.

4b.Part two of #4, I have a messy purse and diaper g. Ugh, I hate this too but clearly not enough to change it! I am very organized when it comes to my research. Hello, I am scientist but I am the total professor with the disorganized purse, car and desk! Ack. I need to work on that. However, when it comes to cleaning, I am good and keeping everything clean but I don't spend a lot of time cleaning if I can help it, I can live with *some* mess!

5. I don't forget anything if it pertains to my life (wish that worked for everything!). I am good with details, events, faces and context. I might forget your name after a while but I don't forget faces or how I know you. I remember what I ate on a place flying to Disney world when I was six years old, turkey sandwich with american cheese, chips and sprite (I got the whole can and felt so grown up!)

6. I have an obsession with coconut. Its funny because my mom didn't like coconut and I tend to not like things she didn't (side note, I am trying to expose Isabel to everything unbiased even if I don't like it) anyway, I heart coconut. Macaroons, coconut creme pie, cake, DD ice coconut coffee mmmm (ordered it my accidence once and was happily surprised). I even like almond joy and mounds! Hope J put something coconutty in my stocking!

7. Not lactose intolerant anymore. Like my sister Jolene, we both developed lactose intolerance in our adulthood. After having Isabel, its GONE! I mean, I can drink milk (not just in coffee) and ice cream, cheese and have no problem. Its amazing!!!

8. I keep Hallmark and the postal service in business. I love sending cards, especially Christmas cards. I love receiving them but I love sending them more, especially a card for no reason. Lately, my Christmas card list is getting a *bit* ridiculous its got almost 100 addresses on it ;)

9. I am terrible at keeping up with TV/movie series. I find a show I like but have the hardest time keeping up with it. Yes, I know DVR exists but we don't have it, sometimes I have time with On Demand.

10. After living with J for 5 years, I have learned that there are somethings that I do that are annoying to him but I never noticed I do. Like, when I wash my face, I leave water droplets on the sink, I tend to leave my PJ's behind the bathroom door, I have a bad habit of leaving my coffee mug on the window sill behind the couch (keeps it away from Isabel) and I leave my shoes in a pile by the kitchen door ha!

11. I like certain foods better when someone else makes them. Salads hands down taste better if someone else makes them. But other meals that are better if I don't make them are stir fries and anything mexican. I am a good baker though! ;)

Moving the saga continues.....

Our house is now under agreement and we had the home inspection yesterday which seemed to go well and it looks like we will be moving right after the holidays (not my first choice but it'll do). I do not want to have to move before or right after the holidays but it seems better to just wait and do it once the holidays are over. Honestly, I am tired just thinking about it.

I was home for a the first few minutes of the home inspection and seeing the future buyer standing on my land, in my garden actually stung. Alright, tears welled up. This move is bittersweet. In my head, I know that once we move I will be able to see all the ways this move is right but I am going to miss our first little home, our friends, our vet and pedi and all the things that made it home for 5 1/2 years. Thats actually the longest I have lived in one place since high school!

Anyway, it got me thinking about the cascading effect the move is having on our lives and for a bit I have had some regretful thoughts, not REGRET but just some thoughts, what ifs actually.

What if I just stayed through the school year and TA'd in the spring to help pay for childcare so can write my dissertation and keep Isabel in school?

What if Isabel doesn't like being home with me all the time?

What if I she goes to my friend's for childcare a bit during the week and doesn't like it?

What if I can't finish my dissertation with her not going to daycare 3 days a week?

What if I don't find other moms to connect with once we move?

What if I don't like it once we move?

Ugh, I could go on but you get my gist. Change is hard sometimes, especially when not ALL of the change feels like good change. I will probably look back and read these what ifs later and laugh at myself. I hope I do. I hope that even though we are giving up our home and renting and I will be home with Isabel that all these plusses outweigh the sadness I feel about leaving.

I just didn't anticipate Isabel liking daycare, I almost cried when I talked to her teachers about leaving yesterday. It was such a hard won battle to get her used to daycare and hard for me to give her up and now just to move? Ugh.

I didn't think it would take me so long to right. Right there, you are probably saying 'duh, mama! Its not like when you didn't have a kid and had energy!"

Anyway, when I get down like this, I know prayer is the answer. I am just taking a leap and trusting that downsizing and will be better for our family and financially that in the end, I may not have it ALL but I will have what is most important.

Time with family.

Someone didn't like Santa

Ha, she arched her back and tried to jump off his lap. I don't mind her not liking Santa, how can I blame her, Santa can be creepy! I never grew up believing in Santa so I am not anxious for Isabel to 'know' him either. It is more important to me that Isabel develops a relationship with our Lord and Savior instead of believing in Santa.

We overcame the Christmas party

Isabel at J's work Christmas Party 2010 (left) and Isabel at J's work Christmas Party 2011 (right)

I can't say that when I woke up yesterday I didn't have a little dread.

It was 's company kid's Christmas party. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and social gatherings and so does Isabel but I was having flashbacks to last year's party that was pretty much torture for me.

Recap of last year:
Isabel was 2.5 mo old nursing, pooping, crying machine despite her sunny disposition with strangers and new places getting it and about was a chore and a lesson in driving mommy style with a screaming infant in the back. The party was fine, though she wouldn't let anyone but ME hold her she was pleasant. The car ride to and from was dreadful. She pretty much cried the.whole.way. for 1h and 15m each way with maybe a catnap each way.

This year we did a few things differently:
We had a busy day, story time at the library, photo shoot at Sears and only a cat nap during the day (not planned but it just happened). We played a lot and she was a trooper at the photo shoot (it took FOOOOORRRREEEEVVVEEER!)

By 2:30 she was dragging so I plunked her into her holiday dress (1 of 4 I might add) and seriously as soon as I hit the main drag (1 mi.) from our house she was out...cold. She slept the whole way there and didn't make a peep. It was HEAVEN. I hate it when she cries.

Of course, I had butterflies about the way back but I knew if I kept her busy at the party she would at least be tired on the way back.

At J's work she was a darling. We took her to see J's office and it cracked me up how all the employees (mostly men) popped up out of their cubes to see this little girl toddle down the halls and explore with her little plaid dress and red bolero shrug *proud mama*

At the party she was mesmerized by the Christmas tree and all the people. She even let other folks hold her (not Santa though). She chomped on chicken fingers and cheese with her little friend "A" (J's coworker has a daughter that is 3 days younger than Isabel).

I did a fair bit of walking with her because she didn't want to sit so we looped the cafeteria and the halls quite a bit. It was fine since I didn't know anyone besides J's co-worker and wife/daughter.

I noticed how different Isabel is from "A". "A" was content to sit in her mom's lap and be fed food or sat in another chair next to her. Isabel wanted to feed herself chicken fingers and if I sat her in her own seat she was either trying to stand up or pull the table clothe off. "A" sat the whole time almost while Isabel literally ran around (with me or J holding her hand).

I try not to feel down that it seems like my daughter is not well behaved. I pick my battles and know that what makes her happy (not to be contained) is fine and normal for toddlers. I am fine with her running around within reason and if she is with one of us and not tearing the place apart while I sit about drinking coffee and socializing (those days are LONG gone).

I like that Isabel is so active, it keeps me active and she is so outgoing. She makes everyone she sees smile and that makes me proud.

On the ride home she was pretty good, a little figedy and cried a bit but mostly if i sang to her or played Yo Gabba Gabba on Pandora she was good.

She was wiped when we got home, didn't really even sit down in her bath and so it was PJs and bed and off to dreamland.

After she had been in a bed and I caught my breath I reflected on the day. It was busy, I think it was fun and way more successful than last year's experience. I marveled at how much she changed in a a year and how I have gotten better at anticipating her needs and 'knowing' her.

I miss her once she is bed. On one hand I *need* down time on the other I wanted to be snuggling with her. Instead, J and I had an hr of down time and it was nice. I was relaxed and relieved and happy we went to the party, feeling accomplished that we overcame it!

Parenting, not for the faint of heart

I had this thought last night as I *tried* to change the poopy diaper of a squirming toddler. Isabel 1: Mom 0. She managed to wriggle out of her diaper and there she was running around the room with a poopy naked bum. What does she decide to do?

Sit down. On the carpet.

Ewww.

I manage to wrangle her, wipe her bum and plop her into the tub that was filling in the next room. She wasn't happy at being carried (she'd rather walk) and most days I let her. However, the poopy bum episode mixed with a naked bum and the idea of walking through a cold corridor (increases the chance of peeing) I scooped her up and hastened the process.

She splashed in the tub, took turns throwing toys out of the tub and drinking the bath water with her stacking cup.

I started to think about how she is getting to the stage where I will need to make consistent effort to enforce rules and well, to be a parent in a way that I introduce boundaries and consequences.

Ugh. How did we get here so fast?

Its not that I don't parent now, I do.

Most of her 'discipline' is through re-direction (i.e. moving her away from the hot stove or from pulling the cats tail) and distraction (swapping my cell phone for a toy or singing while I put her in the car seat (i.e. seat of torture from Isabel's perspective(

Isabel has an excellent memory and loves her routines and that works in our favor most days. We can pretty much do the same things everyday and minimize tantrum-y meltdowns. Phew.

However, if I try to rush her it sometimes back fires.

Like this morning:
We all got up late ( I tried to get up earlier but every time I tried she stirred). Anyway, I had to make lunches, take a shower, feed her, change her diaper and clothes, pack the bags and get her in the car, all in 45m.

J does the dogs: feeds them, takes them to poop, showers, feeds Isabel and plays with her while I whirl around.

This morning, I was making good time on the preparations to leave. We headed out the door with minimal fuss. Until she started to squirm in my arms as I carried her to the car. I knew what that meant.

She wanted to walk/run up and down the driveway while the dogs poop. We do this every morning. Today, we just didn't have time and there were puddles every.where.

What happened?

She ran up and down the drive a few times and I tried 2x to put her in her car seat. Hysterics and back arching ensued so J took her for a longer walk up and down the street.

Not good enough.

So I let them play a bit more while I go in to finish up. I look outside a minute later and she is standing...STANDING in a puddle.

*really*?

Just what I didn't want to happen.

I rush out change her socks and sit her in the car. She's crying because she wants to play.

In my head I get her dismay. She's not getting its a school day and we need to go. She thinks, let's play mom and dad its a fun day.

I have to work harder at not being too strict when its just not worth it. Like why stick to a schedule if she isn't going with the flow sometimes?

Well, on 'school' days, I really need every minute to work so I feel pressure to get her out the door. I HATE that.

Finally, I was able to get her in her car seat after some snuggling and 'explaining' of what we were doing today.

She fought the car seat but I distracted her with a book and gave her a kiss. Off she went with J. *sigh. I hate the rush some days.I wonder if it will get easier when she can talk. I fear it will not and that she won't understand reason for a while so it will still be a battle. I love her little strong will, we knew she had it since the day she was born. Somedays, I wish it would calm a bit because these struggles are exhausting and I dread them!

But still in the end, I am mama and its my role to keep her in line and keep the wheels a turning' whether she likes it at the moment or not!

Shopping with a toddler

Some would say why bother? She's too young to remember it.

However, this weekend my sister and I took Isabel shopping for Christmas presents. Its kind of an undertaking but it was worth it. She just loved walking around and exploring every.single.thing. Its becoming sort of a tradition, its our 2nd year doing it and I think its a tradition thats going to stick. Of course last year was challenging because Isabel was cluster feeding while we shopped!

We had a plan for keeping her busy and active (no strollers for this busy girl). The bummer about this shopping outlet is that we have to drive from plaza to plaza and you know how she hates the car seat!

Well, she did well. She loved walking the sidewalk and making friends with passersby.

I gotta say it makes me proud when people comment on how cute she is or make conversation with her. *proud mama alert*

It helps that she is very outgoing and as long as I don't stifle her (let her take her time 'browsing' anything at eye level) then we are good, no tantrums or fights.

Highlights of the day included, getting to sit on a ride (we didn't have quarters but she pretended to ride it anyway) and getting to meet two sweet golden retriever basset hounds. They seriously looked like Liam (head anyway on a basset body). Cute and hilarious at the same time. They were 6 mo old but so well behaved! Isabel stole the show though with her patting and wanting to kiss them. Love! Also, Starbucks was surprisingly fun!

My sister Jolene is a natural at being an auntie, she just follows suit with whatever we are doing. She holds her hand when we walk and looks right into her face and talks to her. Isabel loves it. I see their bond strengthening and it makes my heart swell.

We made a stop for lunch at Starbucks, I was thinking McDonalds would be a safer bet for Isabel but Jolene was confident Startbucks would work. I was pleasantly surprised. She had a high chair, happily ate raisins and 'chatted' up the other folks in the cafe. It was so fun to see Jolene sharing a favorite spot with Isabel. I just know she will keep doing this with her and Isabel will cherish and feel like a big girl. Just like I did when my aunties took me out and made me feel special.

I should say that each of her aunties so special to Isabel and I just love watching their relationships grow. Its amazing and heart warming and its just the best feelings in the world.

We made it more than 73 days

We made it 5 years actually, we were married December 2nd, 2006. Take that Kim Kardashian! ;)

I will recap the day a bit.
I got J a card (socks per his request and he got me some too) and had a little cake made like the one we had on our wedding day. He had been gone all week so I was so glad to see him and greet him with a surprise. We ate cake for breakfast and Isabel had a bite but that's it!

We took her to gym babies and went out to lunch with my mom friends and their kids (H is a trooper). We spent time together while Isabel napped and then we had dinner that I made which was a version of what we ate on our wedding day. Chicken cordon blue, roasted potatoes and asparagus. Isabel was so sweet, she kept getting up and down out of our laps eating bites of our dinner but not our own haha!

We put Isabel to bed early because she was wining and tired. She didn't stay down so I laid down and so did J so we ended up going to bed at like 8pm.

Romantic huh?

I never thought that on my 5th anniversary I would be nursing a toddler to sleep and that we wouldn't be going out to eat celebrating our marriage. I guess there are many things I assumed or didn't envision about where our marriage would be when we got married on that day.

Going back to the day, I remember it all so clearly. I remember the nerves, the excitement and the way I felt about marrying J. It was simple. It felt right. There we stood in front of God, our friends and family pledging vows that meant forever.

I loved him. I felt God blessed our relationship and I felt that we had what it took to stand the test of time.

Did I fully realize the gravity of these vows? Yes in a theoretical sense. Would these vows be tested? Yup.

We have had our ups and downs as a couple:

Do we have issues? yes.
Quirks? yes.
Differences? yes.

BUT

We have laughter
We have common interests
We have ambitious goals
We love our families
We can make our own fun on a shoe string budget

How have our vows been tested?
Well, first I can say how they haven't been challenged, the love, honor and cherish rings true and the faithfulness too.

Its the 'till death do us part' that kind of threw us. I remember when J was learning how to infuse my IV (hard for him and it was stressful) I remember saying to the nurse " and this is the and death do us part clause right?' I wasn't making light of the vow but just trying to lighten up the mood during a very dark and tough time following Isabel's birth.

I would say that combined all the 'little' issues/tests we had were nothing, even all added up as the experience of Isabel's birth and her first year and how that tested our marriage's strength more than anything.

I am proud we made it, with some battle scars and a deeper understanding of ourselves and each others.

I would say this year 'redefined' us as a married couple. It hasn't been an easy year this 4th year of marriage. But I can honestly say what doesn't break us made us stronger.

Sure we love each other, maybe we don't show it in the typical ways (fancy dinners, flowers on Fridays or all day dates) but we do find ways in between diaper changes, dinner and day to day activities.

Just writing this post has made me pause and think about our marriage for a moment. I do find I get so wrapped up in Isabel (hard not to) but I know J is just as important to me. He is my other half, the one that lightens me up, champions me and accepts me for me.

My card to him went something like this: Thank you for loving me and getting to know every part of me and marrying me anyway. Its true. I am not the easiest person to live with but he loves me day in and day out.

We don't take our relationship for granted and yet it take effort and time (which sometimes we have precious little).

We made it this far and we are stronger for all we've been through.

So here is to 5 years, and 5 more and 5 more after that.....and on and on!