Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Back to church

This morning we concured going back to church. It has been a LONG 4 months since we were there. I was sad we missed advent season and yet I had felt trepidation about going....

Would I be able to handle her fussing? What if she made a scene? What if she pooped an outfit? What if I needed to nurse her? Would I be able to pay attention?

I certainly didn't want to be one of THOSE parents (caps that because now that I am a parent I laugh at all the things that used to annoying me when I would watch other parents in public try to manage their kids).

We originally planned to attend the baptism class at 8am, which was going to be a push because thats when Isabel is either napping or just getting up. J and I decided that we would hold off on the class but go to the 9:45 service. J got up early in case we were going to the 8am but he looked wiped so I sent him to bed while I got Isabel ready.

Honestly, she was happy to swing in her swing so I made dessert for small group and sauce for dinner. I even managed to pump in case the mother's room was busy or I felt uncomfortable in there.

We managed to get out the door by 9:30 and found a spot in the New Mom/Expectant Mother's spot (thank goodness for those). We walked in just as the service started and nice folks moved in for us to sit on the end.

The worship music was playing and as I scooped Isabel out of the carrier Amazing Grace started to play. *gulp* this song gets me everytime for different reasons. It brings back memories of singing at Gordon, loved ones who have passed and of times when I have felt down, this song really enourages me.

Today, it brought me back to this summer. Standing in the pew, feet swollen, belly bulging and Isabel kicking from the inside. What an awesome feeling to be holding our baby girl, singing this song and rocking her in my arms. As I looked up at the worship team I could see adoring eyes gazing on Isabel. It makes this momma's heart swell thats for sure!

After the music and prayers and start of the sermon Isabel got antsy so I took her out, bottle in hand. After pacing around in the foyer with her for a bit I got the nerve to go into the mother's room. I don't know why I was worried about it. I guess I wasn't sure what to expect, if it would be cramped or something.

To my delight the room was awesome! It had rockers and stools and a bathroom with a changing station. The sermon was piped in and we can see the service through a window with a thin curtain. Hmmmmm....maybe I will stay in here for all the services :)

As I sat there with Isabel, she nursed her self to sleep and I was able to focus on the sermon. It was refreshing to hear it and to be able to be comfortable with Isabel in my arms. The only thing that would make it better was if J could be there with me. Other moms with their babies were in there so I wasn't alone at least. This boosts my confidence and desire to keep going to church. It feels managable and its what I have missed for so long.

I had wondered if we were missed and soon after the service two wonderful women came up to greet me and I felt so glad to see them. We want to join this church and were struggling to feel connected. It was just a little thing but just a warm greeting makes me feel more welcome and willing to join.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Up at 4am

So usually I am up at pre-dawn due to the needs of a one Miss Isabel. I did get up at 2am this morning to nurse and then fell asleep in the chair with her until 3am, put her down at 3:30 (she woke up of course). Then I was wide awake.

My mind has been spinning as I tried to go back to sleep about getting back to finishing my PhD. Needless to say keeping the momentum up is tougher than I thought it would be with a baby that likes to nap on me or with me rather than in her crib. Yes, I know I could make her sleep in her crib for naps but honestly it goes against every grain in my body to make her cry it out in her crib. Some of you have had success with CIO or babies that are good sleepers, I am afraid I do not have such a baby. Its fine with me and I have found ways to get things done while she sleeps. I wear her in the Moby wrap alot and I carry her around during her naps. Occassionally, she will sleep just fine in her crib albeit not as long as she would if she were on me or in her swing but its worth the effort.

So this morning I was lying in bed just itching to get something done on my dissertation so I just got up. I threw caution to the wind. So I might be tired later, I was likely going to be tired anyway ;)

I am picking away at the literature review and the methods chapters because they are mostly done and the first two and most manageable for me to write with out input from my advisor chapters. I managed to get work done until a little cry eminated from our room at about 5:45am.
During my writing session in the office however, I was transported back to my grad school days when it was all about me. I could make my own schedule, set and achieve tangeable goals that didn't revolve around laundry or other chores I can check off my new to do list. Anyway, I felt good, using my brain in a familiar way and felt satisified I was making progress.

Then that tiny cry got a bit louder and I pulled away to our room to scoop up Isabel. For a minute I felt disoriented. Its not that I forgot I was a mom but it was like I was rediscovering it for a brief moment. It was like 'oh yea' this is what I do now! She is what makes sense to me. Her needs, her coos, her daily life is my priority. Her warm snuggly body cuddled up to me and I suddenly felt awe that I am her mom. Wow. It still gets me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my work and I enjoy writing but I am so content being a mom its hard to feel drawn to work. Don't they say that the best job you can ever have is one you would do for free? Well if my job could just be motherhood, well I am already happily doing it and for free. But I think they also say work wouldn't be work if it didn't feel like well.... work and thats how I feel about my disseration. Who would rather spend time writing a dissertation than play with a chubby cheeked, cooing, giggling, beautiful baby girl?! Ummmmm no one... well maybe some of you are out there that would but I bet you don't have kids!!

So, alas 4am, we will likely be meeting alot these next few months because I am surprisingly alert at that time and not too drained by my busy days to think. It will be the biggest accomplistment of my life when I complete my dissertation and I have to drive to do it. If not for me and J but for our Isabel. To show her that her mom set a goal for herself and achieved it. She's hopefully going to see that I can be her mother and a scientist with a PhD. Even if its taking me longer than I thought it would to finish!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Driving in snow

Ok, I am a New Englander and its not that I don't know it snows here but driving with a little one has totally changed my perspective.

I was always a cautious winter driver especially because where we live, our neighborhood is more like a ski slope than anything else. So, when UNH would close I was happy to stay home than brave the slippery, not well plowed roads. Its not that I didn't try to go out when school wasn't called but the roads around UNH are usually the roughest and I was hit once on the way home from work and another time I nearly drove off the road. So, if I don't have to go I don't want to.

Now, with Isabel I tend to be even more cautious. Until today I have only cancelled one thing due to weather ( a dr. apt.) they didn't blame me for not going out that day and I was glad I stayed.

Today, it was snowing and piling up with very little plowing. I was pressuring myself to go to my therapist apt ( I really like going) and I didn't want to wimp out because of a couple inches of snow.

The dilemna? Take my baby girl out in bad weather? Or stay home?

J called about 10m into his commute and said it was bad and try to stay home if I could. I decided I would try to go out.

As soon as I left the driveway I was feeling nervous. Isabel was fine just looking out the music and I tried to quell my nerves by putting some music on and just make it there. All the roads were terrible and covered in snow. Every road I took it just got worse and I was feeling nervous. I saw spinouts and finally got detoured. At that point I was so late for my appointment even though I left 20m early.

I looked back and Isabel was sleeping soundly as I navigated the icy, snow roads. I had a moment of 'ah ha' what the heck am I doing? I forced myself to go out in bad weather and my precious baby is in the back. I know she was fine but she is precious cargo.

The roads going back were better and I managed to make it home and was never more happy. She snoozed the whole way and I took her out of the car and took her in.

From now on I am not going out if the weather is bad, I don't want to risk it! Call me a wimp if you want but thats my decision!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Love is.............................................

Seeing how much Isabel is loved. Like I mentioned earlier my mom, sister and brother in law came to visit Monday. We had fun taking pictures and snuggling with her. Mom and I try to do a photo shoot 1x a month, she has a great eye and Isabel was so patient and hamming it up! Here are the highlights:


She truly is a lovebug!





Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Books and Music

Monday my mom (as well as my sister Jess and BIL Scott) came up to visit on MLK holiday and started an online library for Isabel. It will help me keep track of the books she has and the ones we want. It will make it easier for family to buy her books too because they can access it online.

It was such a sweet idea and I really appreciate that my family and J's value reading so much! Even though Isabel is little, I make it a point to read to her as much as I can. Sometimes we will do Pat the Bunny or Good night Moon, all the classics of course. Other times, we will do something longer like Make way for ducklings.

Whatever we read, it brings me back to when I was read to, knowing all the lines and just were the pauses were when the pages were turned.

Who read to me?
My mom (I remember a story about Grover getting stuck in the book) and my Gram (she read lots to us and I can't wait till she does it for Isabel, there is just something comforting about her voice) and the other night my dad reminded me that he read to us too. My grampy would read sometimes but for the most part he made up a story for us when he was babysitting. He would have us pick a noun, verb and adjective and he would create a story. We (my sisters and I) LOVED that, it sharpened our grammar skills and it was very exciting to hear our word woven into the story.

Who reads to Isabel?
Me of course, even if its the label on the ketchup bottle, I feel words (any kind are good for her to hear). J, does and it is so sweet! My family will I am sure when she is older. Right now they are savoring the snuggles from naps, like Monday when my sis and BIL were up, I just love that they get that time with her and hope my other sis will get that time soon!

My SIL and MIL created the recordable Hallmark books which are awesome and they have a little personal message to her on there too at the end which makes me tear up. Just hearing the love in their voices really gets me.

Today, Isabel and I went to Kindermusik. At first I thought, a class for babies I am going to pay for is it worth it? Incredulous, I went anyway. I went with three of my wonderful mommy friends and their sons. I really cherish this group of friends, they all have babies Isabel's age and we just have a great time together.

The class is small but managable, its unfortunately during Isabel's usual morning nap time but she did well. We sang, danced and tapped to the beat. I think she liked it. I tend to sing and dance with her alot so this music will hopefully add to our repitor.

I am not saying Isabel is cultured, but I think J and I really value reading and music as a way to express ourselves and learn. Yes, she is just 4 months but she is already so expressive and interested in the world around her.

What a joy it is to watch her grow. I really marvel everyday at how she makes connections and discovers new things. Its the most rewarding feeling and I can't imagine life any other way!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Feeling selfish

Tonight I pretty much felt like the most selfish mother in the world.

It had been months since I cut my hair and it was a mop and my bangs were skewing my vision. I tried to make an appointment with my hair dresser that was on the weekend but that fell through so I opted for a 6pm appointment.

The plan was to have J meet me and play with Isabel and then we'd all go home.

So I get Isabel ready to go and we are on our way and she is letting out shrieking sobs from the back seat. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. Usually if she cries like that we are on the way home from somewhere and I know it will only be a few minutes until I can soothe her.

This was different, we were going some where and it was for me to get my haircut.

J was meeting me and I can't seem to reach him on the phone so I call my mom who encourages me to keep going.

I decide to sing at the top of my lungs and turn the inside lights on which sometimes works. No such luck.

I finally get to the salon and take her out into the salon hoping she would calm down...nope more sobs and wails.

I take her out of her car seat thinking she will calm down and she begins to do the big sighs, ya know the ones you make when you are calming down.

She is oscillating between wails and smiles and I can tell this isn't going to go well.

My hair dresser, Lindsay is an angel and waits for J to arrive. He can't calm her either and even though the salon isn't busy we felt like we were making a scene.

I go to get my hair washed and she is still crying despite attempts at a bottle, paci and bouncing on J's knee.

I am sitting in the chair looking at a desperate J and he decides to take Isabel home. In my head I knew it was the right thing to do, that is what she needed.

Every fiber of my body wanted to leap up and drive her home. But I knew J could do it.

But it was the first time he took her anywhere without me. We usually go places together. He doesn't usually have to be the soother when she is hysterical. So it felt like a lot.

I watched them leave and felt torn. My hair dresser was reminding me that this could be a good thing a win-win. He would see how hard it is to take care of her or he would feel like a hero for taking care of her and still respect what I do everyday.

My haircut was finished as I watched the clock and made small talk. I was feeling comforted that at least my phone wasn't ringing off the hook until I realized at the end my phone was in the diaper bag he took.

So I practically break the sound barrier getting home. My hope was that she was not still wailing, because by then it had been an hour.

I reminded myself that J was a good dad that loves her very much and should and could do this. I reminded myself that she would not remember this one time that I took her here and she cried.

Still I felt so guilty that I put her in this position. I never do anything for myself, I try to always put our baby first.

So what happened?

I walked into the house and it was quite. I heard J say, 'hi mommy'. I walked into the living room and all was well. Isabel was wiggling around on the ottoman while J played with her. I broke down in tears with joy. Daddy stepped up and I managed to get a haircut.

If I had known that Isabel was going to have be apart from me tonight, I probably would have dreaded going to get my haircut, or just cancelled.

But in the end it ended up being a good thing. J got to take care of her and did a great job. I am so used to being with Isabel 24/7 and not apart since her birth......so this was a big step and we made it. It is a relief because the responsibility of her care is all encompassing, feels good to share it with J more equally!

Sleep habits of a four month old

Those are the words I typed into Google this morning to help give me an idea as to why she is now sleeping like a newborn again.

Last night I put her down at 9pm and she was up at 1am until 3am with me nursing her and putting her down twice in the time to a scream fest. Then she was up at 4:30am until 5:30 am and then I changed her (she was not even that wet) and nursed her but I knew she wasn't hungry. Then she was back up at 7am.

At that point I was so frustrated and weary from the long night I took her to my bed (I never do this) and nursed her while on my side. I kind of dozed and she slept. Its not a habit I really want to start but it helped so much to rest.

I believe they call it sleep regression because she was sleeping 5-6h even 7-8 on some nights starting at 9pm. Thats what is so frustrating!

I love this little girl, but mama needs to sleep! J, has been getting up to rock and hold her which helps but if she screams I cant sleep! Plus its usually that she is hungry.

So, I am hoping she can get back to her old sleep habits soon thankyouverymuch!

I thought I'd do her stats for fun and so I don't forget!

How old? 16 weeks
How much does she weigh? 16 lbs
Sleep pattern? See above but she naps between 9-11am, 2-3pm and sometime 4-5pm
How long? 24 inches
Milestones? gigling thisweek

Monday, January 10, 2011

What I have realized about me

I sat on the couch the other night beating myself up inside while watching the Biggest Loser. In reality, I could be a contestant. I am not more than 30-40lbs. away from some of the women. Ugh.

Of course, I know what you are thinking.... or maybe I do ( that I hide it well, yea I hear that alot). Even before Isabel I was not tiny and even though I am lbs. away from where I was before she was born its a small consilation given what I actually weigh.

Nursing has definetly helped alot with losing the baby weight but I hoped it would help me continue to lose. Right now I am holding steady and still quite hungry, thus eat more than I would if I were on a diet.

So here is the dilemna, anytime I cut back my milk supply goes down and I have been told losing weight too fast can release chemical stored in my fat cells that can get into the milk (not good!). Its not that I want to use these as excuses but really don't want to hurt my supply. One blogger reminded me that breastfeeding happens for such a short time in your child's life so its worth dealing with the extra pounds for the sake of the baby. I do like that mentality and have kind of adopted it. It makes me feel alittle bit better about the weight I am carrying.

What I don't want to happen though is to be that 'heavy mom' than never loses the weight. To me, its not healthy and where I had GD with Isabel, I don't want to have it the next go round if I can help it.

So what's my plan? For now, more fiber, fruit, some veggies (non-gassy ones) and walking. Thats the best I can do, plus all the lifting of Isabel I can manage :)

What I have learned over the past few months though is that even with my weight struggle I should be proud of what my body can do and overcome.

In just a few months, I delivered a baby, fought a life threatening infection and healed a wound that was 7cm deep and 10cm wide. I have successfully nursed a baby and managed not to get too sick despite the sleep deprivation (did get strep and a stomach bug since).

I am focusing now on those positives and trying not to beat myself up in the mean time. Once Isabel starts eating food, I think I will be able to diet more and by then it will be spring so out we go for walks everyday!!!

Its actually a refreshing perspective. In the past I have set high goals regarding my weight and been hard on myself until I reach them. I haven't been very accepting or loving to myself. But really, life is too short to be so hard on myself and I am generally in good health so thats the point right?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Love of a father

The other night I asked J to watch Isabel so I could get dinner ready, she was fussy and I was rushing to get dinner overwith so we could all sit down and relax together. I was feeling abit frazzled because dinner time is a tough time for Isabel (usually she is fussy).

J brought Isabel to her room hoping to play with her and jolly her out of her mood. She was crying and I felt like I needed to rush even more to get things done. But soon her crying stopped and I heard him reading Isabel a story, about Buttermilk the bunny. It was a precious moment, melted my heart and I was able to get dinner ready.

I do most of the day to day care of Isabel and J does the rest, takes the dogs out, cleans, pays the bills, works etc. Thats his contribution and he doesn't get a ton of time with Isabel.

But then there are these moments that are so precious and special they cause me to pause.

In the morning he picks her up and there is a wide grin on her face. I hear him tell her just how much he loves her and covers her with kisses. He always says 'hello beautiful' or 'you're so beautiful' and it is the sweetest.

At night Isabel has been fussing as I put her down or wakes up in the middle of the night crying even though she isn't hungry, just fussy. J has been really good at picking her up and rocking her in his arms until she quiets back down. Its so precious and sweet. Its their time to bond and I adore him even more when I see him in action.

Sure, being a new parent is stressful, time consuming and trying at times. It tests a couple like nothing else can. Its bringing us closer now.

Seeing how J is gentle and patient and loving to Isabel it just makes me love him that much more.

Having had a rocky relationship with my dad, it just warms my heart to see how much he loves our daughter and is already fostering a loving bond. She is the apple of his eye.

Its bittersweet for me, I am not envious of their relationship. In fact, I am over the moon by it but it does make me wish that my relationship with my dad was a little more nuturing. J is doing a great job with Isabel and that means the most to me.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

To stay at home, a challenge and a priveledge

So I am not officially a stay at home mom in my book because I am still working on my dissertation from home. However, I am at home not working at school and taking care of the babe so right now I'm a stay at home mom, I guess.

The whole fall semester from Isabel's birth on I totally changed gears to motherhood only and getting better. In fact I feel like I lost 2 months of my life fighting this stupid infection and I am kind of in denial that its January.

My original plan was to get through the first 6 weeks fully devoted to motherhood and then spend the rest of the semester working while Isabel slept. Wow, that plan went down in flames.

So here I am, its January and I have just begun to pull it back together and start thinking about my dissertation and making progress on a couple of chapters. In some ways its way harder to get work done with the baby at home. On the other hand I make the best of my time when I get it, even though its not much.


When the plan changes....and changes....
It was this week a year ago that I was at a conference in Boston, getting ready to give a talk on my research and was starting to feel sick and run down. I was so focused on doing a good job on my talk I just chalked it up to nerves. I was planning to apply for a faculty appointment at UNH. I felt pretty confident about it after giving a good talk and yet my co-advisor was recommending I wait because I didn't have enough experience. For some reason, I was way more upset about this advice and after coming home from the meeting I just found myself crying and crying.

We are trying for a baby at that time and I was feel discouraged about that on top of everything else. Though I wasn't technically late, I could take a test if I wanted and the result would likely be accurate. After seeing the stark white box next to the control line so many times, I have no idea why I even wanted to test given that I was already bummed out.

It was a Thursday night and I just took the test on a whim and figured even if it were positive it would not show up yet because it wasn't first morning pee. I dipped the stick in the cup and waited. Within a few second a faint pink line started to form next to the dark pink line. WHAT???? Is this real??????

I took 3 more tests just to be sure and each time it kept coming up with two lines. I was so in denial but that night I met J for dinner at our favorite pub and told him what I saw. It was kind of anticlimactic because I was so cautiously optimistic I was scared to get excited. In the days that followed I tested like 6 more times... ya it was overkill! The bloodwork and tests confirmed it. It was so exciting but nervewracking for me. I was just scared this was just too good to be true.

All the 'symptoms' I had felt that week fell into place and it started to make sense even though they were mostly PMS-y symptoms.

So needless to say I didn't feel compelled to apply to the UNH faculty appointment and I felt less bad about it knowing we had a baby on the way.

Alot has happened this year that has shaped where I am now. I am a stay at home mom. Did I think that I would get this priveledge? Not really. I figured I would be back to work in 6-12 weeks. I am glad for the opportunity to stay with her and though its a tougher job than the one I left its all worth it!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Not defined by trauma

They said that what I experienced following Isabel's birth was traumatic and I would be at risk for post partum depression or post traumatic stress disorder. As I was going through this and had this mention several times I thought, I am strong and I have God, I will get through this challenging time with the support of family and I won't see this as a trauma.

But honestly, I was in survival mode and have been up until the last few weeks. I can only liken the feeling to what I can imagine it would be like to be chased by a bad guy and you are running for your life and then after a while turn back and see he isn't there anymore.

Though its a relief that its over, the emotions and the realization of what really happened can hit like a ton of bricks. Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you become enveloped in fear of what could have happended or what might happen in the future? Do you collapse in utter exhaustion?

One of my doctors mentioned toward the end of my healing process that this feeling could happen to me and that our brains can pretty much shut down given the circumstance and called it survivor syndrome. She said its like a case where your tossed overboard on a ship and cling to a piece of drift for days only to die on the ladder of the rescue boat from the sheer magnitude of the experience. When she told me that story I thought "thats not going to happen to me".

And no, it hasn't but I think I could have become overwhelmed by it all now if I didn't have the proper support that I do. I am not ashamed to say I see a therapist to help me process what happened, she's a trained therapist the deals with birth trauma (who knew that existed?!). She is wonderful and though I didn't have a prior condition, these experiences can challenge anyone's psyche.

Why do I bring this up? Well first, I am starting to experience the effects of post traumatic stress disorder and may talk about in the future. And secondly, just like with postpartum depression, I hope to de-stigmatize mental illness. It is in my opinion so easy to judge others that have a mental health issue that I just want to show that even though I didn't before it can happen to anyone.

Am I healthy over all now? Yes. Can I take care of my daughter? Yes. Am I still processing? Yes. But its all part of a healthy process and I hope no one would think less of me for putting this out there.

The way that I look at PTSD is that if I don't deal with it now it won't get better, it may get worse. Do I need meds to handle it? No. Just love and support to help me cope.

How does it affect me? Sometimes I have flashbacks to scary moments in the hospital or shortly there after. Sometimes its a scent, a sound or just a feeling its happening again and I am right back there in the moment. I have learned to refocus my thoughts and get through it, it only lasts a few moments (thankfully) but it is as real as being there.

The mind is a strong and mysterious creation and I know that God has given us awareness to understand. I think in these challenges its a calling to draw nearer to God and I have done just that.

So even though going through this can be scary, I am not defined by this trauma and I will get through it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Adventures in Breastfeeding

Its funny how everyone has an opinion about breastfeeding. If I were to poll my non-mom friends I would get a 50/50 split for and against.

Of course this is an intensely personal decision and I would never judge someone for not breastfeeding.

Here are the pros and cons I have heard regarding breastfeeding:
Pros: Its free, boosts immunity for the baby, breast milk is easier to digest, increases mother-child bond, no muss or fuss with bottles
Cons: Learning curve is steep for mom and baby, time consuming (2-3 hrs. between feedings), father doesn't get to feed the baby (its less convient), breasts won't be considered sexually desirable anymore, might be embarrassing to feed in public or in front of family

So, why am I for it?

Looking back, I always planned to breastfeed (my mentality was 'if I am going to lug these girls around for all my life might as well use them!")and I think it was partly because my mom didn't get a chance to with the three of us. We were premature and hospitalized for a long time so it just wasn't an option for her and there were three of us. I know its possible to nurse multiples but woah! I can't say for sure if we were sick alot as kids because of the lack of colostrum but we were sick alot growing up.



When I found out I was pregnant with Isabel it wasn't even a question that I wanted to do it. Everyone told me it was hard and many of my friends didn't stick with it, some had latching issues, others couldn't keep up with demand or didn't want to, some did it for the first few weeks for the colostrum but switched because they were going back to work and formula just fit better. My breastfeeding friends were encouraging but still said it was hard.

When the weeks were ticking down and I was about to deliver Isabel it was then I was really contemplating what it would be like to breastfeed. My hospital's breastfeeding class was fascinating. I learned the biology behind it in greater depth (good for me of course ;) But, I was skepitical of how much I would remember from a class and how it would actually play out, though I felt energized after taking that class (so did J, he said it was more interesting than our birthing class and not because breasts were show in the power point!)

But I was nervous, would I have enough milk? Would it hurt? Could I do it? What did it mean when my friends said it was hard? Would I be embarrassed? Was it only for hippy earthy crunchy types? Was I going to come off as one of those types now? Would I be judged? What if I could do it but didn't like it?

I remember my first encounter with the lactation consultant after Isabel was born and saying to her (Heather) that I really wanted to do this more than anything. Isabel had a great latch from the get go. My problem? My milk was slow to come in (it was because of the brewing infection I am sure) and she had 0 patience! She would go from 0 to 60 in no time and if she couldn't get milk she was MAD!!! Like woah!

My saving grace were the kind nurses that brought a dose of reality and several kind lactation consultants. Heather was so compassionate, Jolene was so knowledgable and gave me the impression she had seen it all and Cathy encouraged me to keep trying. Due to my long hospital stay I got to know them all well and though I never wanted to give up, my body was fighting the infection and sometimes I had to supplement with formula. Of course I used the pump and put her to breast as much as I could but really it was a balancing act.

Even once I came home, it was still tough. In the hospital I had tons of support from lactation, helping her latch and giving me tips (even if sometimes the advice conflicted I picked and chose as I saw fit). The benefit of being home was the lack of interuptions and semblance of normalcy. But, it was harder to juggle, position, support and pump all the while trying to keep the baby from screaming her head off!

So that was the first few weeks and I would say they were tough as far as the breastfeeding but each day it got easier. I wouldn't say its a breeze now because there are still times where I feel like thats all we do in a day. I am thankful however for a great breastfeeding support group in which I have a cohort of mamas all going through this for the first time. We hang out after for lunch or tackle the mall on occassion. Its great to share the challenges and tips on how we are making it work.

Some have called me a saint for breastfeeding Isabel through it all. A super Mom. To that I smile but remind them that it was an intensely gratifying experience and it gave me something positive to focus on when everything else felt so difficult. I am sharing a special bond with her that I am not sure I would have gotten if I only bottle fed. I love watching her little jaw move back and forth as she nurses and the little sounds she makes and how she calms in my arms when she is completely satisfied and satieated. I am amazed at her health even when I am sick, she is fine. For that, I am so greatful. The other long term benefit I hope for for her is better weight in the future. They have found correlations that breastfed babies tend to have healthier body weights later on.

I don't think I am extraordinary for breastfeeding or better than anyone that formula feeds, I am however greatful for the experience of breastfeeding and am enjoying the adventure.

I have to say that since I have been breastfeeding I made a few observations:
1. All inhibitions about bearing onces breasts are lost during the breastfeeding process
2. The first time you pump it will feel awkard and strange but amazed to see milk coming out
3. Breastfeeding is physically demanding thus, you will be hungry but at least for me not gain weight
4. Breastfeeding in public isn't so bad if you have an 'udder cover' thank you Katie (even did that at Christmas gatherings and didn't miss anything by going to another room)
5. You will be questioned by well meaning family if she is getting enough because she feeds more often than a formula fed baby
6. Comments from family have included: that I will be tied to her if I bf, taking away the fun of feeding her from J, I am spoiling her by bf'ing her
7. I am actually surprised most by the response of my male friends/co workers. They have asked most often if I could breastfeed in spite of the meds and being sick (interesting I think)
8. It is totally true that the more fluids you drink the more milk you'll make!

Everyday does feel like an adventure, its unpredictable but exciting too. I am enjoying this journey.