I shouldn't use Facebook as an indictor of how life is going for friends and family because I know looks can be decieving. I also know thats its wrong to cast judgement on others and especially if its over petty stuff.
However, and I feel bad admitting this but I am frustrated with myself and am sick of not feeling put together at all.
Yesterday it reached a breaking point. I am rushing around on a beautiful spring morning to take Isabel out for a fun day at the park with friends and I am getting all worked up about stupid stuff.
I can't find any of my sunglasses, none of my cute summer shoes fit, nor do some of my capris, my non-maternity t-shirts looks ratty and I can't wear a dress because none of the tops are breastfeeding appropriate.
My hair is in my face and I am running out of my favorite foundation and I quickly threw on toe nail polish the night before but I am feeling like a HOT MESS.
I was never the put-together, never a hair out of place girl.
Nor was I ever the skinny or selvte, but rather curvy.
If I could describe myself, I would call myself cute rather than pretty and definetly not sexy (which is fine by me thats not the look I am going for!)
I am carrying some extra weight from pregnancy and while we were trying and that is bugging me for sure.
Anyway, as I raced around while Isabel napped I lost perspective and was ready to break down into tears over the outwardly dishevled mess I feel I have become.
In reality, I know that I probably don't look as bad as I feel. That I always manage to pull something together to look presentable and cute, that even though I go way longer than I used to between hair cuts I can still do something with my hair and even though I don't have a huge wardrobe I make what I have work.
The weight issue?
Well, thats a work in progress I guess.
I just find myself constantly comparing myself to SAHM and working moms and feel like I look like the least put together out of them all. Maybe its true.
Why is that?
1. Instead of shopping for myself and buying new pieces of clothes for me to replenish/update my wardrobe I buy for Isabel instead. We don't have a lot of extra wiggle room and I can make do. Plus its more fun to shop for her than me. Logistically its easier too, no lugging a baby into the changing room required! Plus, I would rather not look at my roadmap of stretch marks, and scars that is my stomach these days.
2. Getting my haircut has been disasterous. J, bless his heart has watched Isabel both times but both times she wasn't great for him and cried alot. I know I need to do this for me but the guilt that surrounds it stinks!
3. Same for pedicures! They are $$ and I can't really bring Isabel or leave her!
4. As a mom, I have become accostomed to putting myself last, well not first or even second these days. Its the natural progression I am sure but sometimes it really affects my outward appearance.
I am not saying I am a martyr for my child or a saint either. I guess I am just reflecting on how having a baby, or really this baby has changed how I look, what I wear and even the weight that I am.
Do I resent it? NO, not at all.
However, I look at my other mom friends and just wonder how they do it, look so good and raise terrific, happy kids?
What's their secret? Because cleary I am missing something!
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Starting a new chapter
Just this week I have been reflecting on how my life has changed since Isabel was born.
Obviously, I never expected the traumatic events surrounding her birth and the aftermath.
Or that she was going to be a 'high needs baby' you know the one that couldn't be put down, nursed constantly, catnapped on me only, had trouble going to others, fussed for 2-3h a night and was hysterical in the car for the first 3 months.....
We have turned a corner in many ways and its really become apparent this week.
I would say that from her 4th month on she really came into her own and each day she gets more and more fun.
What has really struck me is that each trip out this week (Easter, Panera, Barnes and Noble, Wentworth-Douglas BF Support, and Kindermusik) folks have exclaimed just what a happy baby she is. It made me swell with pride to have people tell me that she is obviously a happy baby!
She blows raspberries, makes a 'teradactyl call', and a noise all her own that I can't describe unless you hear it and she laughs alot!
I feel like as hard as it was the first few months, she has really come so far and really is blossoming into a happy baby. Its especially rewarding that it isn't just apparent to me but to strangers and family alike!
I feel like this week I have turned a corner in my life too.
I feel like my PTSD is lessening and I am experiencing less flashbacks, sleeping better and just feel more like me. It feels great.
Its an empowering feeling to feel like I have come through this experience and have emerged stronger in my faith, stronger in my marriage and probably a better mama.
I am thankful that God has been my rock and I feel like its Him that has healed my heart, my body and my mind. I am thankful to feel like me, but maybe a better me!
Obviously, I never expected the traumatic events surrounding her birth and the aftermath.
Or that she was going to be a 'high needs baby' you know the one that couldn't be put down, nursed constantly, catnapped on me only, had trouble going to others, fussed for 2-3h a night and was hysterical in the car for the first 3 months.....
We have turned a corner in many ways and its really become apparent this week.
I would say that from her 4th month on she really came into her own and each day she gets more and more fun.
What has really struck me is that each trip out this week (Easter, Panera, Barnes and Noble, Wentworth-Douglas BF Support, and Kindermusik) folks have exclaimed just what a happy baby she is. It made me swell with pride to have people tell me that she is obviously a happy baby!
She blows raspberries, makes a 'teradactyl call', and a noise all her own that I can't describe unless you hear it and she laughs alot!
I feel like as hard as it was the first few months, she has really come so far and really is blossoming into a happy baby. Its especially rewarding that it isn't just apparent to me but to strangers and family alike!
I feel like this week I have turned a corner in my life too.
I feel like my PTSD is lessening and I am experiencing less flashbacks, sleeping better and just feel more like me. It feels great.
Its an empowering feeling to feel like I have come through this experience and have emerged stronger in my faith, stronger in my marriage and probably a better mama.
I am thankful that God has been my rock and I feel like its Him that has healed my heart, my body and my mind. I am thankful to feel like me, but maybe a better me!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Easter through the eyes of Isabel
Daddy loves you
So does Mama!
A bonnett really mom?!
But my bonnet is tasty!
Love my pink bunny
Love playing with grammy!
My Aunties let me sit with them, I am so cool!
So does Mama!
A bonnett really mom?!
But my bonnet is tasty!
Love my pink bunny
Love playing with grammy!
My Aunties let me sit with them, I am so cool!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Highlights of the week
This week J traveled for work but Isabel and I made the best of it. Here are some of the highlights:
Tuesday: Isabel 'helped' daddy pack for his trip, we visited Dorothy at Gordon College, visited MIL and stayed over night with my dad
We slept over at my dad's which was such fun! We stuck to her routine of dinner, bath and bed. Dad just loved getting to help feed her, bathe her and play with her. I enjoyed the lobster roll he got for me ;)
Wednesday: We took Isabel to dad's work to make the rounds and show her off (he was in seventh heaven!), we visited Darlene at Seacoast and then we went to stay with my sister. Dad missed her before she even left with a tearful look at my sweet Isabel, he really can't resist her!
We had a delicious dinner of my favorite chicken soup and Aunties and Uncle took turns doing the routine of dinner, bath and bed! Seriously, I was feeling the love! Jess made me my favorite cookies and tea, Scott made me soup and Jolene and Mom came over just because Isabel and I were there!
Thursday: We played with Jess and Scott and then I put Isabel down for a nap...we fell asleep together for 2h at Jess's oooops! I guess I was tired. I felt bad but it was good to rest!
We picked up the dogs (who I missed dearly) and J came home at 1:30am! Ugh!
It may seem like a mundane week but for me it was anything but. Spending time with family with Isabel is priceless. The momenets we share now are precious. It is also helping me make new memories over the bittersweet ones I had when I was bouncing house to house as I recovered from my c-section. I am so thankful for my loving family and how much they love Isabel!
*********
Another highlight is today....the whole day
It is Easter Sunday.
Isabel's first one!
We went to church, it was beautiful day. We went to my grandparents for lunch with my sisters, BIL and mom. It was a big day. First big family gtg since Isabel was born. It was special and here is why:
We celebrated Easter as a family
Isabel wore a sweet dress bought for her by my dad
We celebrated Easter at church, a good tradition that we want to continue for Isabel
Gram and Gramp got to have their great grandbaby to celebrate with, can't believe its been a year since Easter and I was days from finding out we were actually expecting a girl wow!
My mom, sisters and BIL got to dote on Isabel
Isabel loved it all, took in the attention, showed off her rolling skills and her fantastic little noises she makes!
Love Love Love her!!
Family is special and I love mine, feeling blessed tonight!
Tuesday: Isabel 'helped' daddy pack for his trip, we visited Dorothy at Gordon College, visited MIL and stayed over night with my dad
We slept over at my dad's which was such fun! We stuck to her routine of dinner, bath and bed. Dad just loved getting to help feed her, bathe her and play with her. I enjoyed the lobster roll he got for me ;)
Wednesday: We took Isabel to dad's work to make the rounds and show her off (he was in seventh heaven!), we visited Darlene at Seacoast and then we went to stay with my sister. Dad missed her before she even left with a tearful look at my sweet Isabel, he really can't resist her!
We had a delicious dinner of my favorite chicken soup and Aunties and Uncle took turns doing the routine of dinner, bath and bed! Seriously, I was feeling the love! Jess made me my favorite cookies and tea, Scott made me soup and Jolene and Mom came over just because Isabel and I were there!
Thursday: We played with Jess and Scott and then I put Isabel down for a nap...we fell asleep together for 2h at Jess's oooops! I guess I was tired. I felt bad but it was good to rest!
We picked up the dogs (who I missed dearly) and J came home at 1:30am! Ugh!
It may seem like a mundane week but for me it was anything but. Spending time with family with Isabel is priceless. The momenets we share now are precious. It is also helping me make new memories over the bittersweet ones I had when I was bouncing house to house as I recovered from my c-section. I am so thankful for my loving family and how much they love Isabel!
*********
Another highlight is today....the whole day
It is Easter Sunday.
Isabel's first one!
We went to church, it was beautiful day. We went to my grandparents for lunch with my sisters, BIL and mom. It was a big day. First big family gtg since Isabel was born. It was special and here is why:
We celebrated Easter as a family
Isabel wore a sweet dress bought for her by my dad
We celebrated Easter at church, a good tradition that we want to continue for Isabel
Gram and Gramp got to have their great grandbaby to celebrate with, can't believe its been a year since Easter and I was days from finding out we were actually expecting a girl wow!
My mom, sisters and BIL got to dote on Isabel
Isabel loved it all, took in the attention, showed off her rolling skills and her fantastic little noises she makes!
Love Love Love her!!
Family is special and I love mine, feeling blessed tonight!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Grocery store: Extreme Fail?!
This morning I had 'Making Room for Multiples' on and there was a mom that just had twin boys after having a set of triplet boys 4 years prior. Woah right?!
Well, they showed her taking ALL the kids to the grocery store. If you can imagine she had the 3 older boys piled into the front of those carts with the car on the front and the babies in a double stroller that she pulled behind her.
Can you say Super Mom?
Well, it changed my attitude about taking 1 Miss Isabel to the grocery store thats for sure! She made shopping with 5 kids look like a walk in the park so whats the biggie about shopping with one?
Now that Isabel is out of her bucket car seat she's now a lovely 22lbs. I have had the joy of introducing her to the shopping cart riding experience. She's not a fan. J and I took her for the first time a couple of weeks ago and we ended up carrying her all around the store because she wouldn't stay in the car without fussing.
Now, I take her in the Ergo carrier. She's upright, immobile and snuggly with me. It works but its hard with her strapped to my body but it works.
I got a renewed sense of motivation in the recent weeks to coupon.... after watching Extreme Couponing. Hmmmm....its sad that this post has already referenced two TV shows. I really don't watch much of anything so I guess that these two shows just stick in my mind because its all I have watched recently.
Anyway, after seeing how much they saved I have been doing so research, meal planning and grocery list making. Most of the time the items on sale are in the circular and the mfg. coupons correspond.
What I have learned is this:
1. Babies and couponing even with one is a tough combo, its tough to do math and figure out what I need and how much all at once and as quick as I can.
2. Items on sale are usually processed foods so I have to choose wisely but I can save money there and buy more produce so that works
3. Market Basket doesn't deeply discount a product their prices are already low so the store brand is usually still cheaper.
4. I need to shop at Shaw's or Hannaford's to really get a deal on a name brand, something I don't have alot of stores nearby
So, today even with a list, no impulse shopping and coupons, I only saved $8 and still spent $85! Ugh.....
Times are tough and food prices keep rising!
Well, they showed her taking ALL the kids to the grocery store. If you can imagine she had the 3 older boys piled into the front of those carts with the car on the front and the babies in a double stroller that she pulled behind her.
Can you say Super Mom?
Well, it changed my attitude about taking 1 Miss Isabel to the grocery store thats for sure! She made shopping with 5 kids look like a walk in the park so whats the biggie about shopping with one?
Now that Isabel is out of her bucket car seat she's now a lovely 22lbs. I have had the joy of introducing her to the shopping cart riding experience. She's not a fan. J and I took her for the first time a couple of weeks ago and we ended up carrying her all around the store because she wouldn't stay in the car without fussing.
Now, I take her in the Ergo carrier. She's upright, immobile and snuggly with me. It works but its hard with her strapped to my body but it works.
I got a renewed sense of motivation in the recent weeks to coupon.... after watching Extreme Couponing. Hmmmm....its sad that this post has already referenced two TV shows. I really don't watch much of anything so I guess that these two shows just stick in my mind because its all I have watched recently.
Anyway, after seeing how much they saved I have been doing so research, meal planning and grocery list making. Most of the time the items on sale are in the circular and the mfg. coupons correspond.
What I have learned is this:
1. Babies and couponing even with one is a tough combo, its tough to do math and figure out what I need and how much all at once and as quick as I can.
2. Items on sale are usually processed foods so I have to choose wisely but I can save money there and buy more produce so that works
3. Market Basket doesn't deeply discount a product their prices are already low so the store brand is usually still cheaper.
4. I need to shop at Shaw's or Hannaford's to really get a deal on a name brand, something I don't have alot of stores nearby
So, today even with a list, no impulse shopping and coupons, I only saved $8 and still spent $85! Ugh.....
Times are tough and food prices keep rising!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Love with Food
Its probably an Italian thing to love with food. I know its in my blood to enjoying cooking a good meal and sharing it with others.
This week, I made some meals for a dear friend, while Isabel napped (go me might I add *wink*).
I made mozzarella stuffed meatballs, brownies and spinach and ham quiche. Nothing fancy but it felt good. Our friends like the meatballs I make for some reason so I made two containers one to eat now and one to freeze if they wanted to.
There is something satisfying about making recipes that are tried and true and you some one else will enjoy. I remember my nonna sitting at her kitchen table waiting with baited breath as we tried the meatballs she made that week. She would get up at 5am to make them and I remember looking forward to Sundays just for the chance to eat a few! Everything she made was good, every.single.time.
I am pretty sure it was because of all the love she put into it.
I think that when you cook with your heart it can't help but be good.
I certainly carry on that tradition, I can't help it, it just feel natural!
Now, lets not mention what it CAN do to the waisteline! Especially when dad already got me my fave pizza and an arracini (google this if you don't know what I am talking about... heaven in a bite!).
However, in that department thing have settled down and I think I must be down about 10lbs. Yahoo!
This coming week J is traveling for work...(insert HUGE sad face). However, there is a bright side. I am staying one night with my dad and one night with my sis. And I *think* they are excited. They have already told me what they are making/doing for dinner! See? The love, its right there!
They are making my favorite things and really it makes me feel special. I love doing this for others and it feels weird but wonderful that others are going to do it for me.
So, its the same for J and Isabel. J loves that I love to cook and I think he missed it when I was pregnant because I could barely stand the smells for 4 months and then by 7 months on my feet were so huge and I was so hot I could barely stand in the kitchen to cook. Ugh! Then the baby came and I didn't begin to have time to cook until a couple of months ago LOL.
Anyway, I have really enjoyed nursing Isabel too. I know its not cooking but it is nourishing her body. Sometimes I am still amazed that all she needed was MY milk for 6 whole months! How incredible is the human body?! Seriously! Now, I make her baby food and I know she likes it much better than the jarred stuff. Who could blame her ;)
So loving with food doesn't have to expand your waisteline it just means that whatever is made with love should be nourishing! Its refreshing to enjoy cooking again!
This week, I made some meals for a dear friend, while Isabel napped (go me might I add *wink*).
I made mozzarella stuffed meatballs, brownies and spinach and ham quiche. Nothing fancy but it felt good. Our friends like the meatballs I make for some reason so I made two containers one to eat now and one to freeze if they wanted to.
There is something satisfying about making recipes that are tried and true and you some one else will enjoy. I remember my nonna sitting at her kitchen table waiting with baited breath as we tried the meatballs she made that week. She would get up at 5am to make them and I remember looking forward to Sundays just for the chance to eat a few! Everything she made was good, every.single.time.
I am pretty sure it was because of all the love she put into it.
I think that when you cook with your heart it can't help but be good.
I certainly carry on that tradition, I can't help it, it just feel natural!
Now, lets not mention what it CAN do to the waisteline! Especially when dad already got me my fave pizza and an arracini (google this if you don't know what I am talking about... heaven in a bite!).
However, in that department thing have settled down and I think I must be down about 10lbs. Yahoo!
This coming week J is traveling for work...(insert HUGE sad face). However, there is a bright side. I am staying one night with my dad and one night with my sis. And I *think* they are excited. They have already told me what they are making/doing for dinner! See? The love, its right there!
They are making my favorite things and really it makes me feel special. I love doing this for others and it feels weird but wonderful that others are going to do it for me.
So, its the same for J and Isabel. J loves that I love to cook and I think he missed it when I was pregnant because I could barely stand the smells for 4 months and then by 7 months on my feet were so huge and I was so hot I could barely stand in the kitchen to cook. Ugh! Then the baby came and I didn't begin to have time to cook until a couple of months ago LOL.
Anyway, I have really enjoyed nursing Isabel too. I know its not cooking but it is nourishing her body. Sometimes I am still amazed that all she needed was MY milk for 6 whole months! How incredible is the human body?! Seriously! Now, I make her baby food and I know she likes it much better than the jarred stuff. Who could blame her ;)
So loving with food doesn't have to expand your waisteline it just means that whatever is made with love should be nourishing! Its refreshing to enjoy cooking again!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Descisions, Descisions
I recently got an email from my advisor that was encouraging about my progress but reminded me that he would hire me to work in the lab to run some HPLC on squash carotenoids.
I was feeling bold and said I wouldn't be able to do it unless I got paid enough to afford a babysitter for while I am in the lab and a few extra hours to be a mother's helper so I could get writing done. I was figuring he would offer something like $10/hr that would only cover the babysitter for while I was at work.
He countered with a wage that would cover a babysitter and then some.
Ugh... on one hand this is great news! I could afford to go back PT and get work done at home while Isabel plays.
Ideally, it would be the same person watching her when I am at work and home. I would want some one experienced with babies, especially high need ones (like Isabel ;)
But WOAH....am I really going to go back to work?!
Not really and here is why:I am still dealing with PTSD
I am getting work done at night and in the morning on my own
Isabel's napping and sleep is getting much more regular but not great
She is developing seperation anxiety
Why I could be ready:I really want to get my PhD. done!
Isabel is less dependent on me for food and is doing well with food
Maybe she would like her babysitter and it would give me a chance to get away alittle bit in a safe way
I need to finish my PhD!! Did I mention that?!
When I first started thinking about going back this morning, I was getting excited and invigorated by the idea. As the day went on, I got more anxious and I felt so not ready.
Now, I am oscillating between fear and determination.
I absolutely love motherhood and am so thankful to be able to stay home with Isabel (have I mentioned that enough?!) I love being here in the here and now and focusing just on Isabel. I don't ever have a wistful moment of *sigh* wish I was at work.
Don't get me wrong, I love my field, my career and all the potential there. I see myself getting a PhD. and using it in the long term.
But Now?
All I want to be is my daughter's mom.
Is that selfish? Would other mom's be jealous of this viewpoint?
To some, yes its selfish and some would argue Isabel is better off getting used to a baby sitter now. Other's including my working mom friends probably do wish they had the choice of staying home.
So I am stuck.
I am enjoying staying home to the fullest. BUT, I have a PhD. hanging over my head...UGH!
This is going some prayerful consideration and putting on my big girl panties to get on. I know what I have to do to finish and working PT might be a means to an end to finish. I can't and don't want to put it off forever. At the same time Isabel will be only this little once and it is so special.
Gah......
I was feeling bold and said I wouldn't be able to do it unless I got paid enough to afford a babysitter for while I am in the lab and a few extra hours to be a mother's helper so I could get writing done. I was figuring he would offer something like $10/hr that would only cover the babysitter for while I was at work.
He countered with a wage that would cover a babysitter and then some.
Ugh... on one hand this is great news! I could afford to go back PT and get work done at home while Isabel plays.
Ideally, it would be the same person watching her when I am at work and home. I would want some one experienced with babies, especially high need ones (like Isabel ;)
But WOAH....am I really going to go back to work?!
Not really and here is why:I am still dealing with PTSD
I am getting work done at night and in the morning on my own
Isabel's napping and sleep is getting much more regular but not great
She is developing seperation anxiety
Why I could be ready:I really want to get my PhD. done!
Isabel is less dependent on me for food and is doing well with food
Maybe she would like her babysitter and it would give me a chance to get away alittle bit in a safe way
I need to finish my PhD!! Did I mention that?!
When I first started thinking about going back this morning, I was getting excited and invigorated by the idea. As the day went on, I got more anxious and I felt so not ready.
Now, I am oscillating between fear and determination.
I absolutely love motherhood and am so thankful to be able to stay home with Isabel (have I mentioned that enough?!) I love being here in the here and now and focusing just on Isabel. I don't ever have a wistful moment of *sigh* wish I was at work.
Don't get me wrong, I love my field, my career and all the potential there. I see myself getting a PhD. and using it in the long term.
But Now?
All I want to be is my daughter's mom.
Is that selfish? Would other mom's be jealous of this viewpoint?
To some, yes its selfish and some would argue Isabel is better off getting used to a baby sitter now. Other's including my working mom friends probably do wish they had the choice of staying home.
So I am stuck.
I am enjoying staying home to the fullest. BUT, I have a PhD. hanging over my head...UGH!
This is going some prayerful consideration and putting on my big girl panties to get on. I know what I have to do to finish and working PT might be a means to an end to finish. I can't and don't want to put it off forever. At the same time Isabel will be only this little once and it is so special.
Gah......
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