Mom's night out

Its 9:30pm and the raining is tapping on the windows, Liam is snuggled next to me and Ladybug is sleeping at my feet. J and Isabel are asleep and I feel like a big fat FAIL.

My wonderful neighbor hosted a party, ya know one of those show parties where you can buy stuff, this one was called '31' and it was purses, organizers, lunch bags etc.

I told J I was going to go...big step because it started at 7pm which was after Isabel's bedtime. Normally, for most kids they can go to sleep and stay asleep, but not my precious lil one.

So, I had reservations about going and J taking over.

At 6pm she conked out with me and we snuggled until 7pm when J got home. Even though it was raining and dreary all I had to do was walk one door down to my neighbors' house so even though I was nervous I went.

Her parties are always fun even if I usually only know one or two other people, she always makes me feel welcome and at ease.

It was freeing to go out and know J was home with Isabel who was already asleep and I felt like 'me' again, ya know the one that doesn't get into her PJs at 7pm and work on her dissertation from the couch 7 days a week. Yea, that 'me' that was a social butterfly, sang in choir, visited friends, went out to dinner...basically anything at night that occurred past 7pm!

Some would say its a choice I make to stay home at night with Isabel. Yes, it is. However, I am her mom and where else would I want to be most nights? I am not the kind of mom that would rather be out on a Saturday night with friends than home with my family. However, a night out once in a while would be nice or even an activity I enjoy.

I find myself wanting a little 'me' time... after a year of putting almost everything on hold, I am surprised and feeling a little guilty for feeling this way.

So there's the rub.

I love my daughter and our little family but now that I and Isabel have gained a little independence from each other I find myself wanting to get back into have a little bit of social life.

I know that's not wrong but now, how do I go about doing it?

Isabel has been going to bed earlier like between 6:30-7pm so I could get her to sleep and then go out in theory. The problem is that she wakes up on and off until I come to bed, we still bedshare at night. Some nights she sleeps straight through until dawn others she is up every hour until I go to bed.

Ugh.

I have tried delaying my response to put her back to sleep to see if she will do it herself and that rarely works. I have sent J in to do it and thats not working either. She wants mama and she wants to nurse.

Double Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I love the time with her and I HATE CIO, it doesn't work for her.

So what do I do? I end up doing what works but thats not helping when I need to go out at night.

So back to tonight, how did it turn out?

I lasted 1h and 15m.

I left at 7:15pm and J called (he promised to try everything) and then call. I hear Isabel wailing in the background and a tired J telling me she's been crying for 10m straight.

So, I wait 5 more minutes and gather my stuff and come home. I can hear her crying before I get in the house and I find her pacing the floor and crying. Ugh...just like the first two weeks at daycare.

I pick her up, she's instantly soothed, we rock and she asleep in minutes.

A mother's touch is nothing to fool with.

I had planned to go back over to my neighbors' but I am just drained. I feel defeated. Like I have failed and I am sitting here beating myself up because I can't get away for an hour at night.

This has nothing to do with J's parenting skills. He loves her and did his best to soothe her, she just wanted her momma and no one else and I know that's hard on J.

So, where do I go from here? How do I fix this? I feel like I don't like any or my options. I know she is going through the transition of daycare, teething molars and nursing less which all make her sleep like crap. Is this the time to force her to wean from nursing to sleep? Do I put her in her own room and say tough cookies? Do I revisit CIO?

It never feels like the right time to make a big change. If I have learned anything about Isabel is she does things when she is ready and forcing her is a loosing battle. Obviously, when it comes to somethings Mom wins like diaper changes, taking medicine and taking naps but I let other stuff slide, its not worth the battles!

I feel like this has become a 'woe is me' post and it isn't intentional. I also feel a little selfish for complaining about not being able to leave her for 'me' time.

I guess I am just needing to vent because I feel like a little balance is needed in my life and I am questioning how to make that happen!

32

That's how old I am today.

I had hoped that when I woke up this year would just have to be better than last year's birthday. The only GOOD thing about last year was that Isabel was a beautiful and perfect 2.5 week old.

I was not in great shape and spent the evening in the ER because my pik line clogged and the power went out and I had to have my wound vac changed in the ER. After only being home for one day after 2 weeks in the hospital. J and I were sleep deprived, stressed and exhausted.

So this year had to be better right?!

Well, over all it was. Isabel did wake up at 5am but I got her back down and she slept until 7:45am and so did we all...oooops this was a school/work day. So, we got a late start, not a biggie.

I had been putting off getting a glass sliver removed from my foot but knew I needed to stop ignorning it because it hurt to walk. So today, I had it removed because I knew it would be easier to go today than go with Isabel in tow.

So, it was kind of a horrendous experience. My dr. had to numb my foot with lidocaine and the needle felt like a pin being pushed through my foot. Ugh. And I had a c-section, the pain rivaled! Then she used the equivolant of a whole puncher to my foot and pulled the glass and my skin.

It killed and of course I had to walk all over campus all day. I will survive though ;)

Add to that that I forgot my lunch in the car and didn't get to eat until I picked up Isabel at 2:30 and I was off to a good start ;)

I thankfully stopped and DD and got pumpkin donut and coffee and enjoyed my morning treat.

J came home and was supposed to bring dinner but I wasn't even hungry so we just ate some birthday cake and left overs. He got me a box of chocolates and caramel apple, such a sweet surprise and he is taking me shopping for some new clothes this weekend. Sweet guy.

Unfortunately, he has been hacking and coughing all day, all week really and despite my pleas he wouldn't go to the Dr. until tomorrow.

It figures, he was coughing so hard tonight that he puked all over the floor. So here I am cleaning the floor and put him to bed and am enjoying my favorite show Chopped with the fur kids.

Hey, it doesn't have to be a fancy dinner to please this girl. Its another year and I am greatful to be here with a fantastic little girl, sweet puppies and a husband that loves me.

Here is to 32.

Thankful Tuesday

Today, I am making an effort to be greatful and thankful. Sometimes its hard to do but being positive and accepting the situation I find myself in is often all that God asks of us.

So here goes:
1. We got 2 offers on the house after showing it 3x on Saturday...amazing!

2. Isabel loves 'school' *gasp* who knew? She naps well and doesn't cry at pick up/drop off

3. Visiting Gram and Gramp was short and sweet on Saturday but Isabel was the life of the party. She even held Grampy's hand as she walked to the car. Such a priceless moment. She lights up for them and they light up for her. Love!

4. I decided to crockpot dinner over night because I wouldn't be home in time to turn it off when it was ready. The house smells of pot roast, which I am sure is torturing the dogs ;) and all I have to do is reheat it!

5. I am making progress on my dissertation. I have been praying for this alot and walking around repeating to myself (in my head)...'I am going to kick this PhD.'s butt"

6. Isabel's jabbering with intonation is adorable and hilarious, I can't help but laugh and follow along, did I mention how much joy this little girl brings me!!

7. My birthday is this week and I am looking forward to birthday cake...I feel justified and I am close to reaching my daily 10,000 steps on my pedometer...

8. I am accepting that I enjoy a little bit of work and alot of Isabel i.e. working 3 6h days is better than I thought and I am NOT going to feel guilty for enjoying the balance

9. J brought home chocolate just for me last night yum!

10. We are going to the Topsfield fair as a family this weekened wheeeeee!

Passing the one year mark

Nursing past 1 year

When breastfeeding was just an ideal in my mind that I dreamed about while pregnant or joked about long before she was born (didn’t want to lug these ‘girls’ around and not use ‘em) I would say. I somehow, magically thought that just like everything else about breastfeeding, it was natural so just like nursing would be easy, a baby would naturally just stop nursing at a year.

So, duh, breastfeeding was HARD at first, latching was a challenge, keeping up my supply, clusterfeedings, late night feedings, pumping, making sure she had enough all that was a challenge despite it being ‘natural’.

Thankfully, despite all that, I had a good experience with nursing. It never hurt to latch, I didn’t get mastitis and only got yeast 6 months in, not at the start like many moms. Oh, and I didn’t have to pump while working and my little one did latch well without nipple confusion.

However, no one ever told me that for some babies, nursing is not only nutritional but comforting. For my high needs precious babe, she nursed a lot. Way more than the every 3h and it was instantly calming, so why not if it stopped the wailing she would do? I mistakenly thought it was hunger and feared a low supply but if you look at her growth chart you can see she was at the 99% perectentile for a long time.

So, of course with the introduction of solids and with her becoming more active she doesn’t nurse as much. She’s cut back during the day and obviously doesn’t nurse at daycare.

However, her 1st birthday came and went and she is still nursing quite a bit. So many people have asked if she is all done and are surprised when I say no.

I know for some babies its like a light switch. One day they want to nurse, the next day they don’t and they just stop whether their mom is ready or not. Sometimes its mutual by the first year. And there are some moms that like nursing so they encourage it.

My situation is a little different. She doesn’t want to stop. I am ok with that but I am worried she uses nursing as a way to soothe that I am like a pacifier. Hey, I understand, being next to mom is nice  I know that at some point she will quit her day time nursing and then the night time. I am not rushing it. Because even though nursing at night is tiring even if she’s in bed with me, I like the closeness. Also, she doesn’t like to drink much else and won’t take milk out of sippy. I also know its healthy and good for her. Even the WHO recommends to nurse until two years.

At this point, I am not rushing it. I know she will stop in her own time and I have learned not to rush her. I am noticing my cycles are kind of funky and I am sure it’s the breastfeeding/hormones. For now, that’s not a big deal, we aren’t trying to have more kids but it may be an issue someday if she nurses say past two.

Yea, I know a two year old nursing seems weird right? I would have thought so too until I nursed. I have learned to throw my preconceived notions out the window because in the end, its what’s best for her and me and no on else’s business

Witnessing to Witnesses

For the second time in two months, I was visited by Jehovah’s witnesses. At first I didn’t realize who this person was until he showed me a tract and started linking his faith to the end of times and eluded that our world was nearing the end of time. He even tried to get me going about evolution.

All while I was jouncing Isabel on my hip as she wailed and holding Liam and Ladybug’s collars at the door.

Now, I realize that this door to door business is part of their faith and just like evangelism is a part of my faith. However, anyone coming to my door, Jehovah’s witness or otherwise would not be what sells me on my faith. That’s just me I guess.

As a Christian, I struggle with many things but related to this are two main issues I have. First, should I have pulled out the doctrine I know and love related to Christianity to witness to these folk? Even if they wouldn’t likely be receptive, just as I was not receptive to what they were saying? Is that what I ‘should have’ done?

Secondly, I struggle with my own witness. I look at the extremes. On one end I could be a missionary witnessing to non-believers abroad or I could wear my faith on the ‘inside’. God calls us to shine like lights and not to hide our light under a rock. I totally agree.

Does He call all of us to be missionaries? No. But what does that mean for the rest of us? Do we do nothing and go about our lives? No. I think I fall into the middle where I openly share my faith (even with unbelievers) but I do not evangelize. I don’t feel super comfortable with getting into people’s faces about my faith. I guess its because I don’t think it would turn me on to any faith as I mentioned already. I think being a witness for Christ can take form in many ways. For me, its hopefully how I interact with others, speak in kindness and serve others. My passion for teaching and helping others learn is another way and keeping a pray list where I pray for others even if they don’t ask specifically for prayer. I hope that people can look at me and see Christ in my heart in my life. If not, I need to be more conscientious. To me, going to church doesn’t make anyone a Christian but it does help encourage me in my faith. It is so easy to get bogged down by the stress of life.

So, what happened that day? I accepted the tract and then ushered him away as Isabel’s wailing could not be jounced away.

But of course, they returned.

Yesterday.

What happened?
They were welcomed by a very loud bark by Ladybug and Liam and me with a groggy Isabel awoken from a nap and not happy about it I might add.

I was in a hurry to get her back down for a nap as she was sick. So I said hello and they tried to get me to talk about the tract they left for me to read and wanted to talk about the state of our society and that the tract would lead me back to my Christian Bible.

All I could say is that I wasn’t interested and I needed to go.

On the inside I felt like a coward. However, I felt like I wouldn’t even be able to challenge them with my faith as I was feeling hazy from sleep deprivation and a sick toddler.

Still, I feel like if this was a test of my faith, I FAILED. My solution was to pray for the folks I met that day and for strength and the ability to stand up for my faith at the next challenge. Felt like small potatoes compared to what I could have done but that is what I could do.

What would you say if someone stopped at your door and challenged your faith?

For Sale... ready or not?

Its no secret living on one income is practically impossible in this day and age. With much of the responsibility of paying for college, weddings, first home and all, its just not easy to make ends meet. Add extra years of college for grad school for both of us and it really adds up.

Of course other generations could say that our generation is an instant gratification generation with our credit cards, loans for practically everything and the ease of buying a home on a very small down payment. Yea, we are live now, pay later generation.

Is that ok?

No, not for me and that is something I have struggled with a lot as a Christian. I feel like I am called to live responsibily and not stock up on material things just to keep up with society.

Ok, enough of the soap box on my view on our generations’ overspending. I could go on and on.

But here I am.
Faced with a huge decision that J and I have prayerfully considered over the last several months.

We put our house on the market.

(insert sigh)
Here is the good:
•We have a chance to move back home and makes us mobile for job changes/transfers
•We will literally be living in the same neighborhood as my parents and J’s for now
•We will be very near other relatives including Isabel’s aunts and uncle
•We have several daycare/childcare options so I can work part time and afford it
•We will be able to reconnect with our home church
•J’s commute will be cut by a 3rd
•We might even get a date night once in a while!
•We can rekindle some friendships and make new ones including new mom’s groups etc.

Here is the not so good:
•Our house could be on the market for months or even a year
•We will have to keep the house in shape for showings (hard to do with a toddler)
•I will miss our neighbors dearly and the friends I have made here
•I don’t want to but will probably have to change Isabel’s pediatrician (huge sigh) and our vet (another huge sigh) and my ob/gynecologist (probably not a bad thing)

Those are the major pros and cons at this point. So why do I feel so torn?

Home Sweet HomeThis is where J and I started our life together as a married couple. We adopted our dogs, brought Isabel home to this house and have made it our home. Well, I think I feel like this more than J. More so lately, but J literally just sleeps here during the week and we drive back and forth on the weekends a lot to see family so when can he enjoy it? We hardly entertain like we used to or spend time here on weekends. I, on the other hand spend a lot of time here, its near campus and stayed home with Isabel for a year. So maybe I feel a bit more attached?

Sure there are lots of times when I wished I lived closer to home, when we/I am sick, when J works late, when its winter, when its summer for that matter and when it’s the holidays….. so hmmmm when do I like living here?

Well, I love our house, the yard, my garden, my neighborhood.

I wished and have tried to be more involved in the community but where I am almost done at school, my friends are dwindling and moving too. Our involvement at church has changed too since having Isabel and its tough to stay connected.

Still, when the realtor nailed the sign into our yard yesterday, I felt a pang of sadness. Maybe it was because it was a beautiful fall day (I love summery fall days here its my favorite time of year). And maybe its because now the real work begins with putting it on the market. Either way it felt BIG. SAD and bittersweet.

J and I spend a long time coming to this decision and you know how at first its exciting but then you actually have to follow through and that’s the hard part? Well,when J and I finally agreed it was time to do this, we were just coming back from our vacation and both feeling overwhelmed by our house, my lack of job prospects, Isabel in daycare and just the stress of making this all work long term. My PTSD is another big factor, its still a big part of my life and it affects everything including working and sleeping and all that. So, we had some perspective having been away.

Now, we are in the trenches and its hard to see the end goal that we were so excited about it.

I do know that in a year or so I will look back and wonder why I worried so much and feel like we made a great decision and God blessed it. In the mean time I feel torn and am searching and praying for some reassurance as we go through it.

Here is what I do know, our home is where J and Isabel are (and Ladybug and Liam).

If you want an uninterupted shower

take it at 10:45pm at night...bliss= long steamy shower, time to shave my legs, put on lotion and (ready for this?) put on toe nail polish...*gasp* I know right?!

Ugh too bad its this late and I am just getting a minute for me but hey, I will take it. Afterall, back in the day I was getting ready to 'go out' for the night... Wow, I feel old!

Anyway, here are a few more truths I didn't learn until I became a mother....
1. Sleep deprivation isn't just for the newborn phase: In fact I had pregnancy induced insomnia at 20 weeks on and still haven't had a solid 8 hours yet! Ok, some moms do have this by the time there darling is a year old but not me...yet. I think I am perpetually sleep deprived to the point where if I get 'extra' sleep, I am dead tired for the next day. Typically, I hit two lows in my day, 9:30am and 2pm where I would love to nap...hmmmm a certain Miss Isabel used to nap then but is now going to 1 nap at around 11:30. Then, I rev back up after she goes down at 6:30pm and then can't get to sleep until 11pm!

2. After a baby your periods change:
Two caveats, I am not haven't been on hormonal birth control since getting pregnant and I am still nursing so this affects it. However, I am finding that since my cycle returned at 10 months post-partum (yea if you are counting that was like 19 months without a period!) Anyway, Aunt Flo returned with a vengence and I have had the heaviest ones of my life. Not awesome when you are chasing a toddler.

3. Bathroom time is precious and hardly ever private anymore
As you might imagine being home with Isabel means I can hardly steal away to the bathroom for long. If I do get a chance its when she is napping or in her high chair. I can't put her in her PNP or crib because she gets hysterical. So she sits on a towel in there with me or now toddles around with a toy or two. This also applies to showering that if I don't get one while J is still home, I either take her in with me which she doesn't love or let her stand by the side of the tub in her diaper watching but not getting in the tub (she doesn't like the stream of water in her face.

Oh the joys of motherhood!