Its not that scary

I have been dreading the anniversary of this night for a long time. Why?

Tonight is the anniversary of the night that I was re-admitted back to the hospital with a c-section infection. I remember much of that day vividly. I remember the searing pain I felt in my incision at 5am when I woke up with on the couch after many hours of on and off being up with a crying baby. I remember my IL's coming over and my SIL helping me get changed, seeing blood and not thinking it was anything. I remember it was warm, humid and summery night and the brief joy I felt when I took a nice warm shower. However, a short time later, I remember the paralyzing fear I felt when I knew my incision was infected and waiting in the bathroom for J to call the Family Center. Ugh, it still feels like a terrible nightmare.

Tonight, I am snuggling with Liam and Ladybug is nearby. Rain is tapping on the window and I have a baby sleeping all snug for the last 3 hours. J is still at work. He would have been at work this time last year if I wasn't in the hospital as this is the end of quarter.

I thought the memories of this night would just haunt me and paralyze me tonight. But, they are not. It feels good to put it behind me. I am ok. I made it. I have an amazing baby girl, a husband that loves me and two very loyal pups.

I am so glad I am not lying on a gurney getting my blood cultures drawn. Man those hurt! Feels good to feel like me again, it feels like it took a long time to get her but here I am and I am happy dare I say.

I am hoping that the few more scary memory days that are coming up will not be as scary when I get to them. Does that make sense? I hope it does!

Tonight, even though I am home alone with my little one without J, I know that I am ok and that I can conquer these flashbacks because truly time heals all wounds!

35 by 35

Eeek...I know I know I am only 31 going on 32 but hey I can start the list now right?

1. Have another baby and give Isabel a sibling...yea that's not an obvious one :)
2. Lose 30lbs. and maintain it
3. Go on a family vacation to Disney world
4. Do a service project in my community
5. Become fluent in Spanish or Italian
6. Run a 5K
7. Sing Kaoroke at a bar
8. Grow a prize pumpkin
9. Join a church choir
10. Go ice skating on a pond
11. Create my own recipe
12. Give blood
13. Learn to make good pastry creme, pie crust and cake from scratch
14. Spend a night out with J in a hotel without the kiddo...

Ok... thats not 35 but I will keep adding to it!

Perfect day

Isabel's birthday was probably the best day of the year.

My hope for the day was to celebrate Isabel's life and the joy that she brings to all of us. I wanted everyone to feel comfortable and enjoy themselves but I could enjoy the day too.

This is what happened.

Sure leading up to it, I was running around picking up food, cleaning, decorating and baking. But it was worth it. I did as much as I could ahead of time and by Sunday morning we were in good shape. I am thankful for J's friends that came up for the party and really helped with the nitty gritty.

I will be honesty. I am not a party planner. I don't even like most parties i.e. showers but I really wanted to mark this day and make it feel special. And I actually felt excited about the day. I put the trauma and bad memories behind me and forced myself to embrace this day in a new way.

I think letting go of the pain and anguish was key to enjoying the day and focusing on Isabel instead of myself.

I was overwhelmed by the generosity of family and friends. Isabel is one lucky girl with a sweet little bike trike and a little chair with her name on it. She has a whole fall and winter wadrobe and some great books. I can tell that everyone there just loves this little girl so much it makes my heart swell with joy.

What I loved the most is watching Isabel enjoy her party. She proudly toddled around the party showing off to anyone who would watch her. She loves attention, she loves her new independence and didn't cry or fuss at all. I know it is because she can get places on her own and doesn't need to be held. She played with her baby friends but she loves the big kids too.

She was the energizer baby for 6 full hours until she crashed at 6pm.

Bliss is hardly a word I use often but its what I felt as I was able to sit and watch the day unfold. I got to mingle with friends and family and eat cake! I always seem to miss that part at the 8 other 1st birthday parties I have been to haha.

J and I felt like a family that day. We got to enjoy our home and our friends and family. It was a good day and a wonderful start to this new year.

I just love my little munchkin. She makes me so happy and gives me the greatest joy. My life has changed so much and I can't imagine life with out my little girl. She is the best and I am loving this phase of toddlerhood.
xoxo my Isabel

Happy First Birthday Isabel

This has been a whirlwind year. Tonight, I sit here reminiscing about the days leading up to Isabel’s arrival. Liam is laying next to me on the couch just like he always does and Ladybug is snuggling with J. It was really warm the days leading up to her birth but this year if feels much more fall-like.

Its really hitting me all at once, not the trauma that I endured during her birth (though those memories still rattle around in my brain). Its just hitting me that I have a one year old. My little cuddly and snuggly baby is now a walking, babbling and sweet toddler. Yea, I said it, a TODDLER! She is so good at walking and she is Miss Independent.

Tonight, I spent time making you cupcakes and hanging crepe paper (yea, mama, loves crepe paper). In fact, it reminds me of my birthdays…tradition maybe?

So, I thought I would write a little letter to her to capture the milestone.

Dearest Isabel,
Happy Birthday pumpkin pie! We will celebrate your first birthday and make some memories and start some birthday traditions. We have been through so much this year and through it all, I am so happy to see you grow and thrive.

You are the best part of my life. You bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. You have such a spunky personality.

Recently you learned to walk, you are babbling and even say mama, dada and baba. You love your sippy cup even if you don’t love anything I put in it. You love to eat with your fingers and your favorite foods are cheese, noodles, mangoes, peaches and yogurt. You are in size 5W and you are wearing 12-18month clothes. You are getting teeth like all the time and keeping mama up at night. You still love sleeping with mama but you are napping on your own like a big girl. You also nurse and I have no idea when that will end but I am enjoying our snuggle time still.

You have grown more independent by going to ‘day school’. It sure was hard on both of us adjusting to it but I think you are liking it and that makes me so happy. I want you to know you are loved to the moon and back and yet I know school is good for you. I love our time together though. Our fun trips to the park, playground, the mall, even the grocery store is more fun with you.

I know I am supposed to teach you lots of things, and I know I am but you have taught me so much! You have taught me patience. I am not a patient person but you have taught me to put your needs in front of mine. Hey, so maybe I might need Depends because of all the times I held it while you slept in my arms or I drove home but you fell asleep so I drove to keep you sleeping. You taught me how to love from the tips of my toes. Your smile, even your cry makes my heart swell. Now that you can say mama, its just makes me love you even more. You have taught me to marvel at the little things. You are learning so fast and just watching you learn before my eyes is amazing. You never miss a beat, if its new you notice it! I love how I can figure out how you are feeling when you are tire you make an Oh’ing noise and when you are happy uou run around and squawk. Love it.

So tomorrow, we will enjoy a fun day celebrating you. All your family, baby friends and your mom and dad will be there. Its going to be a big day for you, special little one. I love you so much Isabel. You are the reason I get up in the morning and you give my life meaning. I can’t wait for this next year and all the adventures we will have. Happy Birthday sweet heart. I would go through all that I did to have you 10,000 more times! You are the best addition to my life.

Love you forever and always my sweet pumpkin pie!

Where were you on 9/11?

Yesterday, I had The Today Show on while we were getting ready and Isabel was playing. Of course, with 9/11's 10 year anniversary there were video montages and clips of that day that will live in infamy. I couldn't watch but I minute of it and tears were streaming down my face.

September 11, 2001 was the first time I personally witnessed a national tragedy. I know in other generations folks can say where they were on D-day, when JFK was assinnated or when the shuttle fell from the sky (I was around then but don't remember it).

I can clearly recall September 11th and it still gives me chills. I had gotten up early and went to the gym to workout and my roomie Nancy and I had planned 'room-mate bonding' morning, it was going to become our weekly ritual of breakfast together off-campus. We went to a local coffee shop around 8am and I remember the radio was playing in the background and waitress mentioned something about a plane crash into the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, hmm maybe a small jet crashed into the Boston WTC, hope everyone is ok. When we left we put the radio on WEII 1030am because I figured the regular FM stations weren't carrying this small event.

As Nancy and I drove the short distance back to campus we heard them narrate the situation and that's when we heard it was the NYC WTC and it was a passenger jet. I remember holding hands with Nancy as they said it was likely a terrorist attack. We were gripped with fear, and I remember praying for all involved. I remember the knot in my stomach and the panic I felt.

We rushed into our dorm when mostly everyone was sleeping and wake our roomates up and we flipped on the news just in time to witness the second plane crash. We stood there in shock and were glued to the TV as the rest of the events of the day unfolded. I tried to call family and friends but the cell phones weren't working.

I did talk to my mom who tried to keep me calm and she was reassuring me we were safe. I didn't feel safe. At all. I was terrified. Where was safe when planes could hit buildings and kill people? What if they flew a plane into the power plant?

Classes were cancelled, which gave us all more time to sit glued to the TV. By mid-afternoon I decided to walk the campus and find a spot to read and pray. It was so ironic that it was a perfectly beautiful, clear and sunny day. Perfect in everyway.

By later that afternoon I found myself standing in chapel, singing, praying and crying with friends. Here stories of friend's parents that were safe even after coming out the WTC. Planning to give blood or go there and help with the clean up.

By the evening, I looked up in the sky and saw only a few faint stars, no airplanes. It was eerily quiet because usually lots of planes take off and land nearby.

The days and weeks that passed after that felt surreal. It was hard not to watch the news expecting to hear worse news.

I remember feeling creeped out knowing the terrorists were in Boston the Sunday before. I was going to Park Street Church and took the train and subway in. I remember feeling weirded out that week for some reason. The following week at church, I mourned with our congregation as there were lives lost from church on those flights.

Even though its been 10 years and we have not had another attack of that magnitude. We are still at war. Our world is in turmoil. I feel as a nation we are gun-shy and that our sense of security is still shaken. At least I don't feel 'secure and safe'.

Tomorrow, we will mourn in our hearts for the lives lost on that day, remember personal stories and think just about how close some of us may have come to being on one of those planes or in one of those buildings. I know I still think about it every time I board a plane.

Tomorrow, though, we will celebrate a very dear friend's son's first birthday. We will find joy in the celebration of life. We will, at least I will hug my little one just alittle tighter tomorrow and hope she will NEVER witness a tragedy of this magnitude. I will however, help her to NEVER FORGET and be PROUD to be an American.
xo

Proud Mama

This week I think I have alot to be proud of, well at least several things come to mind.

1. I was DREADING this week because I knew that working and daycare and just everything was going to be a haul and I am still trying to get into the swing of things like having lunches packed, clothes and work bags packed so the morning rush isn't so hectic. Well, I didn't get it all done ahead of time like I hoped but I did get it done. I think I managed things on my end pretty well despite being tired.

2. Isabel's two days at day care this week improved. Tuesday she didn't cry 'as much' and ate and drank (that's a huge milestone!) and Thursday when J dropped her off, she didn't go right into the arms of her teacher but crawled/walked around and played while J was there. I think it made a difference. Because even though she cried when he left, she did much better over all. When I came to pick her up I peeked in and didn't see her. I assumed one of the infant teachers had her.

When I walked in, I saw her sprawled across the lap of her teacher, passed out cold. AMAZING! I was so proud, I swear my heart was bursting. For a moment I marveled, 'that's my baby?!' They went on to say she hardly cried, played until she passed out and ate pretty well. Woot! I should have called ahead and let her nap! I plan to do that next week and work her up to a full day. I miss her like crazy at work but I know this is the only way I can accomplish getting my dissertation done.

3. Today, Isabel and I had a mommy and me day. We went to the mall, I picked out her Halloween costume, we ate in the food court and we played at the tot land. You know that place in the mall where they can climb and play?

Well, I figured she was not sleepy and dying to walk so I let her try it. She just raced around. Played with the 'big kids' and all the other parents kept asking how old she was and were surpised she wasn't one yet. She climbed up and down the little sea creatures and had a blast. She was proud as a peacock, but I was PROUDER!

I really have taken a step back am marveled at how she is growing into a little girl. Sure, she is needy and will always prefer her mama but she is ready to explore her world. I think most of my mom friends are sad to see them enter this stage but I am embracing it. I got my clingy/needy/nurse 24-7 take no substitute baby for almost a year and I cherised it...but I am ready to take the next step.

She is so happy and outgoing and FUN! I will take the non-napper (well she naps but not in a text book/ set your clock to her way), early riser if it means she is pretty much happy and rambuctious most of the time. I joke that when she naps for more than an hour or sleeps in I get nervous...but I do!

I am also a proud puppy mama. These pups have been through so much this year but they are just if not more loving and loyal as ever. Now that Isabel goes to bed and stays asleep, we get extra snuggle time and it *almost* feels like before Isabel arrived.

I have alot to be thankful and proud of and I am trying to point out the positive more often because everyone knows its ways easier to focus on the negative.

Sweetest sight I ever saw

Well, maybe its one of the top ten of the sweetest.

Today, when I picked up Isabel she was standing on her little platform (as usual) by the window clutching my tanktop.

The one I wore last night and slept in. I didn't think it would work that having my shirt with my 'smell' on it would make a difference. It seems like it did.

I did a couple of things differently today. I sent her lovie, some breastmilk, some of her favorite snacks and my t-shirt.

J said the drop off was better, no koala bear cling, some crying and she settled pretty fast with her teachers. They said she didn't cry as much during the day, ate/drank a bit more and played peekaboo with her teachers.

It was such a relief that she did better today. I think she will get better and better at this and that makes me feel good.

I think it helps that she is over her ear infection and feels better.

I know she and I will get through this, each day is feeling more and more normal. I have to admit, I like the break and feel less stressed about finishing my dissertation because I am getting more chunks of time to complete it.

So, I am breathing a sigh of relief and am cautiously optimistic that we are going in the right direction. She is such a big girl!