I am back and I have something big to announce!

So I have sort of shy'd away from blogging for a bit because alot has been going on that I wasn't quite ready to share. But now I am!

I am 16 weeks pregnant! Eeek even as I type it, it doesn't seem real still! You'd think it would right? Well, I am so thrilled but face each day with trepidation! Why?

Well, I have wanted this for so long! And just as we started to think about trying, I had emergency surgery and lost a tube. It was pretty crushing because, though I know it was coincidental, I felt like it cut our chances in half. In November, I was diagnosed with PCOS.

Another crushing blow. The new Dr. of my practice delivered the news pretty calously and I just felt devastated. Ready to give up and just put off trying for a while. But despite the fact that it was the holiday season, I got on South Beach, started working out and tried to adopt a positive attitude.

Christmas was super hard for me. First, it made me miss my Nonna so much and second it made me long to add to our family. Of course, I prayed and hoped. Put my faith in God's hands which is hard to do, as we all know.

So how did it happen?
I am NOT going to say it was easy, or that I just sat back and relaxed. I hate it when people say 'stop trying and it will happen' Ugh!!

Anyway, I was actually 55 days (thanks PCOS) into my cycle and right after New years was at a conference, when I started to feel 'not right'. I was chaulking it up to conference food and PMS. But when I got back from the conference on a Thursday night. On a whim I took a test.

I didn't expect anything especially because I was 10 DPO (days past ovulation), yes I kept track (but thats another story).

I really couldn't beleive it. I told J at dinner and he didn't believe it either. So I waited until the next morning and tested with 2 other tests at like 5am. I rushed back into the bedroom and jumped on the bed and asked J if he could see a line.

Blurry-eyed he squinted and nodded. Joy, relief, excitement and pure fear marked that moment.

I called the OB/gyn and got bw that day. We were planning to go on vacation the following week so I had b/w on Friday and Sunday morning.

Sunday morning J had gone to church early and I went for b/w. I stopped at Target to pee and grab a snack on the way to church. My cell rang and it was the OB... my beta was a 41... I was pregnant for sure! But not out of the woods. This number needed to double every 48h to be normal.

I had prayed in church that it had doubled and that Sunday's bw would show it. On Monday, we were on our way to VT for vacation and the OB called, it was a 91!

Our vacation was even better because timing wise, I got to sleep alot. And honestly felt pretty good until 6 weeks in.

I will spare you the 1st trimester details but I had it all minus puking (I actually wish I did puke b/c I think I would have felt better) but the fatigue, naseua, heart burn, dizziness. And I would do it all again! I had a scary week when I started spotting but it was ok and the ultra sound showed a tiny gummy bear with a beating heart and all the panic was forgotten!

So, now I am in 2 trimester, which they say is the best one. Ha, we'll see. I am feeling pretty good now.

Keep you posted more regularly now! Baby N is on its way!

Seeds are in!

Nothing better than to get seeds in the mail in March because it means summer is coming! I ordered pumpkins (Racer with PMR), cucumbers, tomatoes (Sun Gold), artichokes, sugar snap peas, yellow beans, and sunflowers. So exciting!

Spring seems to be coming early this year, the snow has melted, the ground is softening and the air is mild and its only March!

I have been home sick this week with Bronchitis and its been fun to just dream about the summer and the garden! Every time I take the dogs out I look over at the garden and smile.

I smile first because I can't wait to plant and grow vegetables but also thrilled I don't have to set up the garden like we did last spring. Not to complain but it was kind of back breaking.

Its funny because at the start of the project it didn't seem so monumental but looking back, we took down three trees, cleared the lot, spread 20 yards of loam, put up a fence, made the beds, ammended the soil and thats all before we planted anything!

Can't wait for spring! The bulbs are starting to poke through the soil :)

Oh to be a TA

So in grad school for biology you either get to be a TA (teaching assistant) or if you are realllly lucky an RA (research assistant). I say lucky because it means you have alot more time to persue your research and that of your professors and don't have to carve out blocks of time to be in class/answering questions, leading lab, grading papers and all the other underglorified work as a TA.

However, if you know that you want to pursue a life in academia (as I do!) you soon realize that teaching is part of the mix.

So far in my grad career I have been a TA/instructor the whole time and though it has been challenging at times (ahem more than challenging sometimes) I gleen quiet satisfaction when I think about how I am able to help these students learn, gain confidence and a new appreciation for a subject.

Sure I want to tear my hair out when I am asked the same question 85million times during lab and when they are sloppy in their lab reports or totally miss the point of the experiment. Sure I am dissapointed when they text (like I don't see it) or misuse/break lab supplies. Its a thankless job so much of the time that its hard to get motivated to be enthusiastic to just keep going!

BUT, there are bright spots, maybe its the material, maybe its one excited lab group who brings there A-game everytime, or asks great questions in class. Sure, I smile when I grade the papers/exams where there are one or two students that ace and frown when the few at the bottom fail.

During my time as a TA/instructor at UNH I have found that I have grown so much as a teacher. I knew where my weaknesses/strengths were coming in (having taught at Gordon College) and I feel like this experience is building me up and making me better all around.

Getting mushy? Just wait!

I got my TA evals back today from what was a very challenging fall where I TA'd two classes and had 100 students to handle. I felt spread thin, over used in my capacity to teach and underappreciated...

But these evals make it all go away and here are a few excerpts:
'Our TA was there for all of the field trips even the one that took all day on a Friday and drove for 6 hours. I wish we could give TA's more credit. She is smart and knows what she is talking about.'

'Our TA was the best, keep up the great teaching!'

'Our TA answers questions really well and helped me understand the subject matter better'

'Loved the enthusiam and passion for plants'

*gulp*... as I read these I waiting for the complaints, gripes and displeasure but I didn't find them. Maybe its b/c I wasn't the instructor this time (i.e. the bad guy ;) but these were so positive I just had to share.

Sometimes, when I feel a lack of confidence in my teaching ability I try to remember that if I genuinely want to help the students learn I just have to put myself out there. Its a process.....

Channeling my inner Julia Child

I think if I didn't become a research scientist I would have become a chef... maybe even a pastry chef.

Like science there is so much order to cooking, steps and reactions many with a series of chemical reactions (think Alton Brown).

Food is love too and it is nuturing... that appeals to me. I think thats why even though I am a research scientist, I also enjoy mentoring and teaching.

Recently, I made friends with a choir member at my church that is a pastry chef... sigh I want to be her sometimes BUT she has to be up at 3:30am! EEEPP! Academic folk like me like our mornings! Ha ha!

I watch Top Chef and other reality cooking shows and in a lot of ways I could see myself doing it.

I am not saying I regret my choices because I love my field/farm research and cooking for friends and family.

Today, I had my grandparents, mom and sisters/bro-in law over for Christmas and it was so nice to take time to bake my very first fruit tart... not a masterpiece but a good first start :)

It is probably better I am not a chef.. .I would be like a million pounds!

For now, I will just enjoy cooking many healthy dishes a few indulgent ones :)

Julie and Julia has inspired me though... I could have done that, it would have been so fun to be Julie and of course Julia!

A look back at this year

I keep meaning to update my blog but as any academic knows Thanksgiving to finals is a total blur!

Prompted by reading my sister's blog today I feel reflective and wanted to share.

This Christmas was different for me, I knew it would be and I sort of dreaded it. I felt like in the weeks leading up to it I was 'going through the motions'.

I donated gifts, served in soup kitchens, sang in our church's Christmas concert, while enjoyable and fulfilling in many ways I just didn't "feel" inspired.

But, sitting in church last week (I have been sitting alone because Josh has been helping in the tech booth), I was moved to tears. Its as if God was touching my heart and making me remember the reason for this holiday season.

See, I was wrapped up in my own thoughts especially dwelling on how much I still miss my Nonna and how Christmas eve just wouldn't be the same. But, after that Sunday I was able to feel like it was time to do new things and take a more optimistic approach.

So, school winded down pretty smoothly despite the moments of shear panick that I would NEVER get it all done in time. And the house was decorated and cheerful and even when it came to wrapping gifts which I usually HATE. I started thinking about how giving gifts is WAY better than getting them. I love the look on my family and friends faces when they open a gift I picked just for them!

So Christmas Eve came, J and I spent the day getting stuff wrapped, spending time together and having a quiet dinner at home. I made Nonna's meatballs and it 'almost' felt like she was there but I can't say I didn't miss her terribly. Yet, I know she would never want me to be so sad and miss her. But even still I do!

I was also nervous Christmas day would be too frantic and yet it too went so smoothly. Breakfast at my sister's cute new apartment, brunch and my MILs and dinner at FILs.

Every year I am overwhelmed with the generosity of our families. The honestly do too much for us and I just can't believe it some times.

So, despite my concerns about the start of this holiday season being a sad one, I was pleasently surprised.

Today, J and I had fun putting together the new Wii (woo hoo fit for 2010 here I come!) and the blueRay player... who knew I would like 'toys' but I do!

I am looking at 2010 in a hopeful way. Though 2009 was an important and good year in many ways it is filled with sadness and a sense of loss too.

Losing my Nonna and my great uncle makes me think of all the other members of my family that I care so much about and never want to lose.

I also feel a sense of loss due to my surgery. It may have some long lasting implecations and some other health stuff that I am not too crazy about. But it is a new year and hopefully I will be able to make it a healthy one!

What I am thankful for

Wow, here we are again starting a new holiday season. I must admit I am somewhat in denial that we are here again!

It has been a surprisingly tough year for me, with the loss of my nonna and uncle Fred. My surgery and resulting health issues and my PhD./research schedule is getting more hectic and stressful.

So the good news?
-Josh and I are about to head into our 3rd year of marriage,
-We have an awesome family and friends
-We have a new roof and painted house!
-I have an amazing household of pets :) but I would adopt more if we could
-We have become part of a wonderful church and small group friends
-I am starting a new chapter in my life and I am going to get healthier!
-My research is coming along... at least for now!

So, despite some struggles, I am glad about where I am in my life. I accept the challenges and appreciate my family and friends more than ever!

I miss my nonna everyday and though this time of year is bittersweet, the last time I saw her healthy was Christmas eve. I miss seeing her for Thanksgiving and I know that this holiday season will feel more bittersweet without her.

Why do I cook?

I never quite understood the saying 'Food is love'. Obviously, I know that growing up my family showed they cared for me by sharing a meal and cooking our favorite treats!

Now, I can see how cooking for others really has become a way for me to show love to others. Others may think I go overboard when they come to our house for dinner, I can't help it! I love to bake, try new recipes and make old favorites!

Tonight I am making butternut squash soup (thanks to my sisters's yummy recipe), zucchini, ham and monterey jack cheese quiche and pumpkin pie. Tomorrow night, our graduate student friends are coming over for dinner to appreciate our squash harvest. One of our friends is make a butternut squash and goat cheese pizza :)

Off to make an apple pie for Bible study Tuesday night!