A new perspective

Sometimes I feel like my weight and the perception of what I must look like to others holds me back from going out and being me.

Pre-Isabel I could doll myself up and pump myself up and pretty much go or do anything despite how I felt about myself about my weight. I could still shop for cute clothes, high light my hair, get a mani/pedi and just GO.

I always worked out regularly, fought to stay on a low carbish diet and pretty much battled my weight to stay under 200lb. and I felt like I was WINNING. I remember the times I would weigh in at WW and the leaders would be shocked I weighted what I did. I guess I always 'wore' it well.

I think a good weight for me (my slimmest and healthiest) was back in college when I was 175lbs. and if I looked at BMI chart that would OVERWEIGHT. But for me it was perfect. Well folks, I am about 50lbs away from 175lbs now.

Yuck. I can see where it is, on my hips, inner thighs, bootie, boobs, upper arms and chin. Yup, its there.

It is hard for me to hide in clothes, one because I have a very tight budget, very little time to shop to keep my wardrobe in style and I really do not dress up often because I am mostly a mom.

Maybe this sounds like a litany of excuses for why I can't keep myself up but if you are a mom and even remotely try to keep it together you know what a struggle it can be to just brush your teeth 2x a day much less, shave, wax, shower, blow dry, apply make-up, and get dressed on a regular basis. Forget going for hair cuts, mani/pedis or the gym on a regular basis.

At least that is my life.

I don't begrudge where I am. I feel like a mom, I look like a mom. Its not what I had hoped for. I didn't want to be that mom that didn't look together BUT I do have a kiddo that always looks her best with a wiped nose, brushed hair and cute outfit. I feel like that that is more important.

But I am not going to lie that not keeping myself up doesn't take an emotional or physical tole. Let's be honest, people are judged first on the cover not the book. Its human nature. I think moms are the most critical of other moms and themselves. I think we are all a bit insecure after having a baby, of our new stretched out bodies, how we appear to your husbands and how we look to the world that seems to be looking just a little closer at EVERYTHING we do with a kiddo in tow.

You could be judged for being 'too' put together after a baby suggesting that you put yourself first, You could be a disheveled mess and you would be judged for letting yourself go. Or you could be fighting to be in the middle, looking average and thus avoiding judgement either way. <------ This is me.

Unfortunately, the weight gives me away. It is becoming an uphill battle. I think despite being at pre-baby weight. Things have shifted, my thighs are thicker, boobs are bigger and bootie is rounder. I think some of it is because of the nursing. I have heard that once weaning happens the weight in those areas go away. Fingers crossed!

Now that we have moved, I am figuring out how to find help in getting a little me time (the guilt for taking me time is there but that is another post).

This weekend J, was away and my mom helped watch Isabel while we shopped and I got some cute clothes and it was start in there right direction. I will be cutting my hair this week and maybe getting a mani over the weekend.

Its the little things.

But with all this going on, I have a hard time just pulling it together to go out. I just feel no motivation.

Like yesterday, I had a baby shower to go to for a dear friend. I was dreading it, not because it was a shower but what was I going to wear?

Ugh, I am embarrassed that I think this way. I am NOT a shallow person. I just feel like my new body deceives me and I just feel like I know myself in it.

I managed to get dressed up and put makeup on and GO. March myself in with Isabel and we did it.

Guess what?

We had a blast. Made new friends and actually *gasp* enjoyed ourselves.

That never happens! I am glad that I got a little confidence from a new outfit and an adorable kid to boot to just do it. It was confidence booster and a motivator to just do it.

I am not saying I love how I look right now but my new goal to just accept where I am at right now and just be ok with me for now. I can't just stay miserable and home cooped up. I am going to make the best of it until I can make the CHANGE I need to.

Its going to have to wait until after my dissertation is submitted but that is weeks away. For now, I am me and that's ok.

Here is a sweet picture of Isabel holding my hand at my sisters after the shower. Of course I could obsess about my double chin and hair that needs to be cut but I will choose to enjoy the moment that my sister captured with my sweet baby girl.

On Ward!