Three days in a row is clearly too much

For Isabel to get used to for daycare/school routine.

I know that there is something else going on with her because she is whiney and clingy every.single.morning and is only ok if I sit with her on the couch for a while.

This tells me she is tired. She's not sleeping 6:30pm-6:30am anymore its more like 7-6am and then her naps are later even if she is tired she just whines. If she would sleep 6:30pm-6:30am I know she would feel more rested and be happier but even when I try to keep it to that schedule she ends up getting wound up sometimes and bedtime gets pushed back.

So, this morning was WWIII getting her ready and into her carseat.

I hate mornings like this. It triggers major mom guilt for having to put her in the car and take her anywhere really.

I just wanted to go back in, crawl in bed with her and snuggle.

That is not what we did, we forged on and went to school which got better about half way there when she ate her snack and smiled and laughed with me. (there's my lovable girl).

I thought drop off at school was going to be tearful but she went right to her teacher and was fine *phew*

I am at school 3 days in a row this week because of the snow and the NEED to finish writing my dissertation within four short weeks.

So, I have had to up her daycare to 3 days and do this ride 3x instead of 2x.

God has been good by blessing us with a snowless winter and illness that somehow has not affected daycare days. Really it is miraculous. He has protected us on the all the roads we travel and made each trip relatively painless.

I do feel the guilt that comes with having to juggle this deadline and taking good care of Isabel but I know she needs to go and really likes it there. Really, if I didn't send her to any daycare/childcare she would have an even harder time separating from me in the future. I know that for a fact. At the same time, I wish it would get easier for her. I know she loves me and we are bonded for sure but I hate that this is hard for her and in turn its hard on me.

All I can say is ONWARD.

I know this routine will be only hectic for the next 2 months but it still feels like a struggle. In the mean time I am going to have to work on her bedtime so she can get more sleep.

All about Isabel....she's 17 months!!

This little 'girl' is so much fun these days!!!

I feel like she is growing up into her own little person with her own independent mind and spirit (well she always had that).

So what is new?

Words Words Words:

She has a lot to say. I feel like I need to write them down to keep track! She seems to be accumulating them at a rapid pace now! It is so much fun!

All done, apple, book, baby, ball, bubble, cat, dada, duck, dog, ear, eye, hi, mama, kitty, this, that, no, socks, shoes, slide, outside, up, uhoh, yes and she says 'nana' for something she wants and signs 'more' when she wants more of something.

Following directions:

She loves following directions if we make it a game but she also loves to ignore me if I am telling her NOT to do something, isn't that always the way?!

Showing affection:

She will randomly come up and hug, kiss or pat me and J and if you or most people she knows asks for a hug/kiss she will do it willingly. It is really sweet.

Mobility:

She is a little monkey. Her new favorite past time is pushing a dining room chair to the table and climbing it. Or using her table/chair set to climb over onto the couch. It is an endless battle but we are working on 'rules'. Mostly she gets when I say in a stern voice that she is to stop she will, or I have to physically re-direct/distract her. Most of the family knows the rules and helps me enforce them so we can stay consistent at home and when are out!

Favorite foods:

I have a pretty adventurous eater. I sometimes forget to re-intro foods we have tried in the past that she didn't like then but she has has pleasantly surprised me with her likes.

Including: clementines, cottage cheese, couscous, cream cheese, cherry tomatoes (oh, just wait for summer), cupcakes (thanks Jolene ;) chocolate and apple juice (she only takes a sip or two which is A-ok).

In general, I think she is going through a 'clinging mommy only phase' its hard to know for sure because she's clingy when she hasn't been before but it could be because she seems more family than ever theses days and a little less 'just mom' time. Also, she is dropping a nap and gets super over tired sometimes and her naps are just out of whack. Hopefully, she can get back on track soon. We are at school/day care three days a week for a March/April until I defend so that might keep her on track for a bit as long as we stay consistent the other days (which is hard if we want/need to go anywhere- the blessing and curse of a good car sleeper!)

She is just the best and as I sit her at work, I miss her. I think it is good to miss her sometimes because she can become all consuming and while that is the awesome part of motherhood, every person needs a little break. I honestly think she can get a little sick of me and start taking me for granted so I don't mind her going to school for a bit because its me and her the rest of the time!

A new perspective

Sometimes I feel like my weight and the perception of what I must look like to others holds me back from going out and being me.

Pre-Isabel I could doll myself up and pump myself up and pretty much go or do anything despite how I felt about myself about my weight. I could still shop for cute clothes, high light my hair, get a mani/pedi and just GO.

I always worked out regularly, fought to stay on a low carbish diet and pretty much battled my weight to stay under 200lb. and I felt like I was WINNING. I remember the times I would weigh in at WW and the leaders would be shocked I weighted what I did. I guess I always 'wore' it well.

I think a good weight for me (my slimmest and healthiest) was back in college when I was 175lbs. and if I looked at BMI chart that would OVERWEIGHT. But for me it was perfect. Well folks, I am about 50lbs away from 175lbs now.

Yuck. I can see where it is, on my hips, inner thighs, bootie, boobs, upper arms and chin. Yup, its there.

It is hard for me to hide in clothes, one because I have a very tight budget, very little time to shop to keep my wardrobe in style and I really do not dress up often because I am mostly a mom.

Maybe this sounds like a litany of excuses for why I can't keep myself up but if you are a mom and even remotely try to keep it together you know what a struggle it can be to just brush your teeth 2x a day much less, shave, wax, shower, blow dry, apply make-up, and get dressed on a regular basis. Forget going for hair cuts, mani/pedis or the gym on a regular basis.

At least that is my life.

I don't begrudge where I am. I feel like a mom, I look like a mom. Its not what I had hoped for. I didn't want to be that mom that didn't look together BUT I do have a kiddo that always looks her best with a wiped nose, brushed hair and cute outfit. I feel like that that is more important.

But I am not going to lie that not keeping myself up doesn't take an emotional or physical tole. Let's be honest, people are judged first on the cover not the book. Its human nature. I think moms are the most critical of other moms and themselves. I think we are all a bit insecure after having a baby, of our new stretched out bodies, how we appear to your husbands and how we look to the world that seems to be looking just a little closer at EVERYTHING we do with a kiddo in tow.

You could be judged for being 'too' put together after a baby suggesting that you put yourself first, You could be a disheveled mess and you would be judged for letting yourself go. Or you could be fighting to be in the middle, looking average and thus avoiding judgement either way. <------ This is me.

Unfortunately, the weight gives me away. It is becoming an uphill battle. I think despite being at pre-baby weight. Things have shifted, my thighs are thicker, boobs are bigger and bootie is rounder. I think some of it is because of the nursing. I have heard that once weaning happens the weight in those areas go away. Fingers crossed!

Now that we have moved, I am figuring out how to find help in getting a little me time (the guilt for taking me time is there but that is another post).

This weekend J, was away and my mom helped watch Isabel while we shopped and I got some cute clothes and it was start in there right direction. I will be cutting my hair this week and maybe getting a mani over the weekend.

Its the little things.

But with all this going on, I have a hard time just pulling it together to go out. I just feel no motivation.

Like yesterday, I had a baby shower to go to for a dear friend. I was dreading it, not because it was a shower but what was I going to wear?

Ugh, I am embarrassed that I think this way. I am NOT a shallow person. I just feel like my new body deceives me and I just feel like I know myself in it.

I managed to get dressed up and put makeup on and GO. March myself in with Isabel and we did it.

Guess what?

We had a blast. Made new friends and actually *gasp* enjoyed ourselves.

That never happens! I am glad that I got a little confidence from a new outfit and an adorable kid to boot to just do it. It was confidence booster and a motivator to just do it.

I am not saying I love how I look right now but my new goal to just accept where I am at right now and just be ok with me for now. I can't just stay miserable and home cooped up. I am going to make the best of it until I can make the CHANGE I need to.

Its going to have to wait until after my dissertation is submitted but that is weeks away. For now, I am me and that's ok.

Here is a sweet picture of Isabel holding my hand at my sisters after the shower. Of course I could obsess about my double chin and hair that needs to be cut but I will choose to enjoy the moment that my sister captured with my sweet baby girl.

On Ward!

So I have been MIA

Sorry!

This month has the been the month of sickness! Bronchitis, stomach bug and now colds. I am sick of being sick.

I kind of saw it coming: mild winter + day care + force hot air (change from base board heat) = sickie sickness!

It is in a phrase: getting old.

I am thankful for J, he didn't get sick with the stomach bug so he nursed me and Isabel and even took the day off when I felt like death so I didn't have to take care of her alone.

That's the worst!

I will be MIA because I have a defense date!

April 5th!!!

Sounds like a ways off? Nope! Feels like tomorrow!

Ok, so no more sickies, I am seriously purel'ing, clorox'ing and cleaning everything!!!!

Transition to a new pediatrician

It was bittersweet saying goodbye to the doctor that was in the operating room and delivered Isabel. Watched it all unfold and was a reassuring third party that we trusted a great deal.

I at least felt comforted that I could take her to the practice I went to from birth to 18 yo. Granted I was in the NICU and a preemie/triplet but still they were awesome and the dr.s that took care of me still practice there (they were just out of med school)

Today was our first visit and it was because she is sick, I suspected bronchiolitis (baby version of bronchitis) and a possible ear infection. I figured they would check her out and send her home with an Rx.

They have since moved the office and it was in a new bigger building with many more practitioners. She is seeing one of the pedi's that took care of me but not today. Even went into the room I was impressed. It had a 'sick' waiting room and 'healthy side' it was a beautiful facility.

Our old pedi was in a pretty old building and it was run of the mill despite having awesome pedis!

We have a quick intro and run down of her medical history and after meeting a few minutes we had a plan with the new pedi she wanted to get some blood, a chest x-ray and do a nebulizer treatment.

Um really? Seemed like over kill to me, especially because she had no ear infection after all.

She's had bronchiolitis 2x before and never had any of that.

She said she suspected pneumonia so it was important to rule it out.

It was just me and Isabel and never did I want DH to be there so bad. She was ok for the chest x-ray, I helped hold her. The finger prick was fine but she was hysterical while they filled the little capillary tube. The nebulizer was the worst! I had to hold her squirming, bucking hysterical (and strong) body for 10m while the nurse held the mask on. Her little body fought me hard despite being sick and her eyes were red from crying. I hated every moment and felt rushed like I didn't have time to explain to her what was going to happen. I think she would have been more cooperative if that was the case.

However, the treatment worked and she was breathing better right after. They sent me home with one (oh joy) and said to watch her and if her fever spikes it probably pneom and bring her back.

I was kind of traumatized during the whole apt because I wasn't expecting this invasive testing. However, in retrospect I am glad they were throughough. I am concerned that they do testing just because they have it available (unlike the previous practice).

Anyway, it was exhausting for both of us (I am getting whatever she has) and she went to bed at 5:30.

I guess I just needed to vent. All of these changes of medical providers is harder for me than I thought, I bonded with her old pedi and trusted the practice. I also miss some of the staff from my old PCP and even my OB (not the dr.s) but the support staff. I guess its all part of the transition.

Things I love about Isabel

I am having sort of a rough morning and cried on the way to work after dropping her off because she buried her sweet little head into my shoulder and clung like a koala when I dropped her off today.

So, I thought I would do an ode to my 16 month old sweet girl:

1. I love how affectionate you are, giving hugs and kisses when I ask for them but also just because, you even purse your little lips!

2. You are amazingly fast and rambunctious which I love! You are quick on your feet and even the monkey business of climbing on the chairs and sofa though it worries me, is awesome to see you marvel at your new abilities

3. I love that you can kick a ball and call out 'kick' as you go.

4. I love all the words you can say now: mama (my have), dada, kitty, doggie, sit, up, down, yes, outside, slide, all done, hi_____kitty/mama/daddy, this, that and sometimes no ;) (lets keep it that way).

5. You have become more adventurous with eating, you now like mango chunks, couscous, cream cheese and clementines

6. You are so independent that you roam a little more than I would like sometimes but I love that you feel 'safe' and even do well with your aunt/uncles and grandparents without me (my big girl)

7. I don't dread car rides anymore because we can banter back and forth and you don't cry as much. It makes the long rides to school easier (most days)

8. I love looking at your picture on my desk at work because you are my inspiration for finishing my dissertation, mama is working hard little one but your daddy and I will give you the best life you could ever want. I want you to know that you are the light of my life, my joy and being your mom is the best job, I could ever want!

Love you my sweetie pie! I even called to check on you today after I left and they said you are painting, hmmm maybe we shall try that at home, if mama is brave enough ;)