Up at 4am

So usually I am up at pre-dawn due to the needs of a one Miss Isabel. I did get up at 2am this morning to nurse and then fell asleep in the chair with her until 3am, put her down at 3:30 (she woke up of course). Then I was wide awake.

My mind has been spinning as I tried to go back to sleep about getting back to finishing my PhD. Needless to say keeping the momentum up is tougher than I thought it would be with a baby that likes to nap on me or with me rather than in her crib. Yes, I know I could make her sleep in her crib for naps but honestly it goes against every grain in my body to make her cry it out in her crib. Some of you have had success with CIO or babies that are good sleepers, I am afraid I do not have such a baby. Its fine with me and I have found ways to get things done while she sleeps. I wear her in the Moby wrap alot and I carry her around during her naps. Occassionally, she will sleep just fine in her crib albeit not as long as she would if she were on me or in her swing but its worth the effort.

So this morning I was lying in bed just itching to get something done on my dissertation so I just got up. I threw caution to the wind. So I might be tired later, I was likely going to be tired anyway ;)

I am picking away at the literature review and the methods chapters because they are mostly done and the first two and most manageable for me to write with out input from my advisor chapters. I managed to get work done until a little cry eminated from our room at about 5:45am.
During my writing session in the office however, I was transported back to my grad school days when it was all about me. I could make my own schedule, set and achieve tangeable goals that didn't revolve around laundry or other chores I can check off my new to do list. Anyway, I felt good, using my brain in a familiar way and felt satisified I was making progress.

Then that tiny cry got a bit louder and I pulled away to our room to scoop up Isabel. For a minute I felt disoriented. Its not that I forgot I was a mom but it was like I was rediscovering it for a brief moment. It was like 'oh yea' this is what I do now! She is what makes sense to me. Her needs, her coos, her daily life is my priority. Her warm snuggly body cuddled up to me and I suddenly felt awe that I am her mom. Wow. It still gets me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my work and I enjoy writing but I am so content being a mom its hard to feel drawn to work. Don't they say that the best job you can ever have is one you would do for free? Well if my job could just be motherhood, well I am already happily doing it and for free. But I think they also say work wouldn't be work if it didn't feel like well.... work and thats how I feel about my disseration. Who would rather spend time writing a dissertation than play with a chubby cheeked, cooing, giggling, beautiful baby girl?! Ummmmm no one... well maybe some of you are out there that would but I bet you don't have kids!!

So, alas 4am, we will likely be meeting alot these next few months because I am surprisingly alert at that time and not too drained by my busy days to think. It will be the biggest accomplistment of my life when I complete my dissertation and I have to drive to do it. If not for me and J but for our Isabel. To show her that her mom set a goal for herself and achieved it. She's hopefully going to see that I can be her mother and a scientist with a PhD. Even if its taking me longer than I thought it would to finish!