Feeling selfish

Tonight I pretty much felt like the most selfish mother in the world.

It had been months since I cut my hair and it was a mop and my bangs were skewing my vision. I tried to make an appointment with my hair dresser that was on the weekend but that fell through so I opted for a 6pm appointment.

The plan was to have J meet me and play with Isabel and then we'd all go home.

So I get Isabel ready to go and we are on our way and she is letting out shrieking sobs from the back seat. My heart is breaking into a million pieces. Usually if she cries like that we are on the way home from somewhere and I know it will only be a few minutes until I can soothe her.

This was different, we were going some where and it was for me to get my haircut.

J was meeting me and I can't seem to reach him on the phone so I call my mom who encourages me to keep going.

I decide to sing at the top of my lungs and turn the inside lights on which sometimes works. No such luck.

I finally get to the salon and take her out into the salon hoping she would calm down...nope more sobs and wails.

I take her out of her car seat thinking she will calm down and she begins to do the big sighs, ya know the ones you make when you are calming down.

She is oscillating between wails and smiles and I can tell this isn't going to go well.

My hair dresser, Lindsay is an angel and waits for J to arrive. He can't calm her either and even though the salon isn't busy we felt like we were making a scene.

I go to get my hair washed and she is still crying despite attempts at a bottle, paci and bouncing on J's knee.

I am sitting in the chair looking at a desperate J and he decides to take Isabel home. In my head I knew it was the right thing to do, that is what she needed.

Every fiber of my body wanted to leap up and drive her home. But I knew J could do it.

But it was the first time he took her anywhere without me. We usually go places together. He doesn't usually have to be the soother when she is hysterical. So it felt like a lot.

I watched them leave and felt torn. My hair dresser was reminding me that this could be a good thing a win-win. He would see how hard it is to take care of her or he would feel like a hero for taking care of her and still respect what I do everyday.

My haircut was finished as I watched the clock and made small talk. I was feeling comforted that at least my phone wasn't ringing off the hook until I realized at the end my phone was in the diaper bag he took.

So I practically break the sound barrier getting home. My hope was that she was not still wailing, because by then it had been an hour.

I reminded myself that J was a good dad that loves her very much and should and could do this. I reminded myself that she would not remember this one time that I took her here and she cried.

Still I felt so guilty that I put her in this position. I never do anything for myself, I try to always put our baby first.

So what happened?

I walked into the house and it was quite. I heard J say, 'hi mommy'. I walked into the living room and all was well. Isabel was wiggling around on the ottoman while J played with her. I broke down in tears with joy. Daddy stepped up and I managed to get a haircut.

If I had known that Isabel was going to have be apart from me tonight, I probably would have dreaded going to get my haircut, or just cancelled.

But in the end it ended up being a good thing. J got to take care of her and did a great job. I am so used to being with Isabel 24/7 and not apart since her birth......so this was a big step and we made it. It is a relief because the responsibility of her care is all encompassing, feels good to share it with J more equally!