Big steps

Today Isabel is 11 months!

She's starting to take steps, her favorite game is when I stand her up about a foot away from me and she takes a couple of steps and falls into my shoulder. Love love love the joy I see on her face when she does this!

She's weeks away from really walking...kind of crazy! She can climb the stairs and is a very fast crawler!

She's loving feeding herself and it loving waffles, mangos, cherries and peaches.

Just today I was taking her home from music class and she was babbling and enjoying the walk when it donned on me I have a little girl.

She's amazing me every day and I love each minute.

On to the next bit step.....
We are going to put Isabel in part time day school, 3 days a week each day a half day. Ugh, I know its gonna be hard to let her go but I feel like its the right call. Here's why:
I need to finish my dissertation and need face time with my advisor
I can make some money and it will help pay for childcare
I think Isabel will thrive in a distraction of an environment
I like the school curriculumn and its better than just a babysitter
A friend is sending her baby there too so that makes me feel a little more at ease
Isabel doesn't have to nap there because she will start off on half days

Of course, I am terrified. I haven't spent 4 hours away from her and she's never been with anyone but family.

The thought of her crying her head off devastates me. I am trusting that we found a school that will have teachers that are experienced and will be able to help her through it.

Its a giant step for me to do this. I don't want it to seem like I am putting myself first. I am doing this so I can finish my dissertation and then go back to staying home with her longer and working another job part time down the line. I really enjoy being her mom and yet I need to finish my dissertation, and I am not getting it done on my own.

I start in 2 weeks..
*sigh*

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Ladybug is doing alot better with her incision and is healing. She's so spunky its hard to keep her quiet!

Liam had 4 more quills removed from his paw after seeing a specialist. I am hoping this is finially it!

We also got the results back on Ladybug's mass. Its malignant.

*gulp*

We are hoping since it was fully removed and not spread she can recover and not suffer with cancer long term.

Wishing for a break. We really love our fur kids and we will do anything for them. Saddly, this is really financially draining. We are doing the best for them and we will. I have to, we wouldn't have it any other way.

I witnessed DETERMINATION today

Today, both of my sisters ran a half marathon, this is the second one they ran in a year. I wanted to be there to cheer them on the first time but couldn't because that was the day I was admitted back to the hospital with my c-section infection.

Fast forward to today.

They didn't expect me to come because it was early in the morning and a long drive for me. I was already planning to be in the area for birthday party so I tried to make it.

As I zoomed down the highway I was getting play by play from mom.

I was so excited to be there and celebrate their big accomplishment. Its been a fews weeks since Isabel saw her aunties and I wanted to surprise them.

I had heard that Jess and Scott had finished and had a good run. I knew Jolene had struggled and was feeling defeated.

I knew how much this half marathon meant to both of them.

Especially Jolene.

I knew she was upset before I got there but when I saw her I saw determination. I felt it. Her legs were goosebumpy and she was weary but she was still strong. She probably didn't think she looked it but I could see it.

I was proud despite her feelings of despair.

I was in awe of her and that she finished a 13.1 mile run despite difficulties breathing and the humidity.

I can only imagine how hard it was.

I have sports induced asthma and I could relate to how she described how she was feeling.

I know I would struggle if I had to do that run. There's a reason why I don't run. I don't think I can do it. I mean I know I could but I haven't yet.

I wish I was as committed as her. I know running doesn't come easy to her and yet she conquered it. She stayed dedicated and determined.

What I love is that Isabel was there and we took some pictures and we can tell her how strong and determined her two aunties are and that even when something is hard she can conquer it like her auntie did.

I also loved while we there there that Scott, his sister Lisa and Miguel and my dad and Darlene were there too. It was an improntu family get together. Made it feel special. The extra sweet part? Miguel 'lent' Isabel his medal....awwwww. She chewed it with pleasure!

Just Breathe

I think I mentioned that I found a lump on Ladybug over vacation. This week we proceeded with having it removed right away. Everyone at the vet has been really supportive and I think we are going in the right direction.

Yesterday she went in to have the lump removed and I waited with baited breath.

Liam was kind of beside himself without her but he calmed down. Isabel and I enjoyed a 1st birthday party at a park in Portsmouth and made the best of the day.

I got the phone call from the vet saying she was ok but she was going to rest for 2 weeks. I could breathe alittle bit better and felt relieved.

My relief turned to fear when J brough Ladybug home. She actually was acting quite spry for having had surgery. She has two ports in her incision to help with the healing. She really seemed restless and we had to collar and crate her. J was up with her most of the night. I slept upstairs and J stayed with her. Thank God for him.

This morning I was just a nervous wreck because I could finally see her incision. Its about 12 inches long. My c-section incision was half that.

*Gulp*

I have to say I am really feeling anxious and sad for Ladybug.

Going through my mind right now are flashback to what I went through with my c/s. Ladybug was right by my side the whole time. So gentle and calm. That is how I am trying to be for her.

Its hard.

I hate having to crate her and keeping a collar on her. I know its for her own good. Its really hard to keep Isabel away from Ladybug and I am not sure how I will do two weeks of this. Isabel is everywhere.

I want Ladybug to survive this surgery, not to get infected and for this lump to be benign.

I know God is in this. I know that He is watching over us.

I do wish I could say I didn't feel like asking Him for a break though.

Right now this all feels like too much.

All I am asking for is to get through the next 2 weeks and that Ladybug stays strong, heals quickly and we all make it together.

That is my prayer because this feels like alot and I am just trying to BREATHE.

When I'm not in control

God is. That's how it should always be right?

Vacation with a baby redefines vacation

So ever since last summer when we planned our vacation to return to Lake Umbagog J has been doing the count down. All I kept thinking about after Isabel was born was ugh, its gonna be a long ride with a crying baby. As the months went on I felt less concerned about that and more concerned about the secluded nature of the location, what if I couldn't entertain her?

Well, here's what happened in high light format.

1. Packing for a 9 day trip with a baby that had Roseola, a hot and humid week of weather and 2 dogs was kind of a bummer

2. We managed to get off to a good start and Isabel was feeling better by the day we left but Liam was limping despite pain meds we picked up.

3. The car ride up was great, she slept 2/3 of it

4. Unpacking up there was way easier than packing here!

5. Baby proofing was a must in the cabin and we avoided major catastrophe with some vigilence. i.e. pulled all the blinds, covered all outlets, moved the coffee table and ashtrays, pushed the bed away from the window and kept the front screen door locked because she liked to look out and lean against it.

6. Screen tent for outside was a must. We were right by the lake and she wanted to crawl to it. So it kept her contained, bug free and out of the sun. We just had to keep her from picking the grass and eating it and from pouncing on the dogs.

7. Biggest adjustment? No sleeping in, no lazy naps (though J napped with her and I got to relax blogging/browing the web and read a whole book!)

8. Drawback to a DIY vaca, is I had to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of a baby so in essence same thing different location. However, J was really helpful and we got to catch up alot and actually talk...imagine that?!

9. FIL and his wife were in the next cabin, which was nice they could play with the baby and that helped

10. We managed one dinner out but the dogs had to stay in the car which stunk

The other tough part of our trip was that Liam popped a quill out of his joint requiring J to go home for the day and have it removed and the other was Ladybug had a lump in her belly that I found while we were away. So, needless to say we had hoped for a simple and relaxing vacation but instead it was alittle less restful but at least we had each other!

Nonno

This week my Nonno passed away. He was my dad's dad and we did not have the closest relationship but I am still sad he passed away.

I feel more sad for my dad. In the last few weeks I gained some perspective into their relationship that I had never known before.

My Nonno was straight off the boat from Italy. He and my Nonna came to the US to start a new life. He was a police officer in Italy but had to start a new career here as a painter. He married my Nonna in Italy and then she moved here and raised my dad and aunt. He wasn't really a family man, he liked traveling and pursuing his own interests. I didn't spend alot of time with him growing up and spent much more time with my Nonna. He was in a word fickle. One day he was lovin life and happy as a clam, the next he was picking fights and holding grudges.

My dad always had a tumultuous relationship with him, as did much of the family including my dear Nonna.

I think looking at it now my dad took it the hardest when Nonno would get angry and hurtful.

I can't explain my Nonno, I don't think any one really could. But it was hard on my dad. There were times in dad's life when Nonno was kind to him and others, generous and even tender. But much of the time he wasn't like that.

My dad longed for a good relationship with him, a consistent one. One that would not change in an instant and cause them not to speak for a year or more. I think that my Nonno hurt him so much because my dad loved him and wanted a good relationship with him and no matter what my dad didn't get that with him. That's the part that I see now and it makes me sad.

Dad and Nonno hadn't really spoken much since my Nonna passed 2 years ago and a couple of weeks ago he started asking to see dad. Dad went to see him and I encouraged it, even though I know it was hard for dad. I didn't want my dad to regret not seeing him. Its not like all was patched up in the couple of times my dad visited him but they made their peace. Nonno even learned he had a great grandbaby and he smiled at that.

I think my Nonno loved us girls even if he didn't show it much. I tried mostly because it meant alot to dad and Nonna.

My dad and I have had our own rocky patches in the past and I was always nervous my dad and I would have a relationship like he and Nonno. I am thankful that our relationship has evolved into a loving one that is fortified by lil' Isabel.

So, I am sad to say goodbye to Nonno but hopeful that much of the hurt and pain dad felt from this rocky relationship can be healed over time.

Lost in my thoughts

Lately, I have been finding myself lost in my thoughts. ALOT. I keep thinking its because I am contemplating going back to work, my dissertation, Isabel's sleeping habits.

Its probably all that. And then some.

I think anxiety is slowly creeping into my life.

I am dissapointed.

I want to feel like I can handle anything. After all with God in control, how can I be anxious?

Well I am and I don't like it.

I think that the PTSD is rearing its ugly head again. I have a feeling its because the months are adding up and we are nearing Isabel's first birthday.

I want to be overjoyed and I am. Part of me is sad though.

I keep replaying all that has happened in the beginning. I want to move on. I need to. Its what needs to happen and yet I feel stuck.

How am I going to get through it?

I want to say that I am going to just find a way to overcome this on my own. Actually, I don't think I can. This is bigger than me.

What is comforting me is that God is bigger than this, He is my strength in my weakness.

I am accepting that maybe my mind will wander to the events of the past and its still going to be hard for a while. But I am hoping that this fall we can create some new memories, some happier ones.

I love our little family and I am thankful for this week to have a week away with J and Isabel and the pups so we can catch up and have a chance to relax...well not really relax with a busy baby but still its been beautiful weather and nice to be a family!