I knew it was going to happen eventually...

my baby got sick.

Out of the blue last Thursday she woke up grumpy and not really herself. I thought it was her new teeth bothering her and yet she was still drooly and her nose was running and just didn't seem herself. I took her to UNH for a meeting I had and she did pretty well and on the way home I thought, did I give her a chill because walking the campus froze me to the BONE!

Well Friday morning my sister, Jolene came to visit in the morning and poor Isabel just cried from almost the moment she woke up. So unlike her. Nothing made her happy and believe me I pulled out all the stops with Jolene. I nursed her, rocked her, gave her tylenol, swaddled her took her out on the porch inthe chilly air, Jolene held her and then enlisted the help of a mom friend that suggested a bath. Ahhhhh...happy baby returned briefly to us in the steamy bathroom and warm tubby. But sadly it didn't last.

By noon my sister was heading out (inside I wanted to cry because she was leaving and I had a sick baby on my hands) I sucked it up and called the pedi.

I had been dreading the sick baby visit. Ugh. I knew I would feel helpless and I totally did. Watching my sweet girl's face crinkle up and wail, it was heartbreaking like any mother would know.

I made J come home for the pedi apt which wasn't at our pedi's office because we couldn't get squeezed in so I wanted him there to help me.

Of course we get there and Isabel is pretty cheery even getting her temp taken. She loves to be naked so that helps! Temp was 101!!! I knew she was feverish but I was getting 99 at home. The pedi said she'd seen this all day long in other patients and sent us home with instructions to keep nursing, saline drops and suctioning her nose and lots of sleep for her (not us sadly).

Over the weekend her temp went up and down and her nose kept running. I was in a word a wreck. I just couldn't stand her being sick and not being able to help her. She nursed less, slept more and yet when she was up she was surprisingly cheery.

Sunday, mom came up for the day and J went to work. It was nice to have my mom there to watch Isabel and make sure she was ok and gave me a break. I even managed to sneak out to the grocery store while Isabel was napping.

On a side note: that was kind of a big deal me going to the store ALONE. Something I took for granted pre-baby. I made the trip quick but it was nice to meal plan and browse without loosing my train of thought watching Isabel. I took my mom's car which helped too because I didn't feel sad when I saw the car seat empty. I even got some food prepped for the week when I got home.. AMAZING!

By Monday though, Isabel's cough was hoarse and junky and her fever was up. So I called my pedi's office who I am sure were placating me and had me come in that afternoon. The nurse said after the 3rd time I called that it was a cold but because it was her first to bring her in so I could feel reassured. I was annoyed at that because I know its new to me but she seemed worse.

My pedi is awesome, love her and trust her with Isabel's life. Fortunately, even though I had to go alone to the apt. Isabel was a gem. She napped in the car and was cheerful in the office. Dr. Bonesho was happy to see her and checked her over. They took her temp and pulse ox which were normal but she had an ear infection.

Ah ha! Not that I wanted her to be sicker but it was still vindicating!

So off we went to get her meds, on Valentine's day no less. She was at least dressed up all cute for the day and in her pix you would not know she was sick.

Isabel hates the pink bubblegum amoxicillin. She gave me a scare the first time she took it. I guess the syringe hit her soft palate and she gagged and puked up a bunch of milk. Of course when I was alone....stressful!

We got through it and each day she's gotten better and her cough is better so thats a huge relief. God it good. He watches over my little one even when she is sick and gives me the strength to care for her.

This past week has been pretty sleepless. If she's not been up crying then I have been peaking in her crib to make sure she is still breathing. She even slept with me a bit in bed in the morning....something I swore I would NEVER do!

Today we were able to get and see our playgroup which was wonderful and she did great.

So all in all I have learned I do have mother's intuition, a sick baby is rough on mom but not as bad as I anticipated and I can trust my pedi. Also, that I can leave Isabel with trusted family and she will be OK.

On another side note....yes, this is the longest post ever but its been a while.....
My nightmares are back. I have had two very vivid very scary, totally unrelated to my trauma but so real I wake up having to repeat to myself 'it didn't happen' many times to calm down.

I guess its my brains' way of processing what happened in a safe way. I have been thinking alot about my case these couple of weeks and with Isabel being sick I think it raised my anxiety for sure.

I hate these dreams, they are horrendous and it robs me of the little sleep I get. I guess I could take the meds I have been offered for sleep but I know then I would really sleep soundly and I NEED to hear Isabel. So, unless they get more frequent I am going to just keep praying and working to get through each dream as it comes.