What I have realized about me

I sat on the couch the other night beating myself up inside while watching the Biggest Loser. In reality, I could be a contestant. I am not more than 30-40lbs. away from some of the women. Ugh.

Of course, I know what you are thinking.... or maybe I do ( that I hide it well, yea I hear that alot). Even before Isabel I was not tiny and even though I am lbs. away from where I was before she was born its a small consilation given what I actually weigh.

Nursing has definetly helped alot with losing the baby weight but I hoped it would help me continue to lose. Right now I am holding steady and still quite hungry, thus eat more than I would if I were on a diet.

So here is the dilemna, anytime I cut back my milk supply goes down and I have been told losing weight too fast can release chemical stored in my fat cells that can get into the milk (not good!). Its not that I want to use these as excuses but really don't want to hurt my supply. One blogger reminded me that breastfeeding happens for such a short time in your child's life so its worth dealing with the extra pounds for the sake of the baby. I do like that mentality and have kind of adopted it. It makes me feel alittle bit better about the weight I am carrying.

What I don't want to happen though is to be that 'heavy mom' than never loses the weight. To me, its not healthy and where I had GD with Isabel, I don't want to have it the next go round if I can help it.

So what's my plan? For now, more fiber, fruit, some veggies (non-gassy ones) and walking. Thats the best I can do, plus all the lifting of Isabel I can manage :)

What I have learned over the past few months though is that even with my weight struggle I should be proud of what my body can do and overcome.

In just a few months, I delivered a baby, fought a life threatening infection and healed a wound that was 7cm deep and 10cm wide. I have successfully nursed a baby and managed not to get too sick despite the sleep deprivation (did get strep and a stomach bug since).

I am focusing now on those positives and trying not to beat myself up in the mean time. Once Isabel starts eating food, I think I will be able to diet more and by then it will be spring so out we go for walks everyday!!!

Its actually a refreshing perspective. In the past I have set high goals regarding my weight and been hard on myself until I reach them. I haven't been very accepting or loving to myself. But really, life is too short to be so hard on myself and I am generally in good health so thats the point right?