Not defined by trauma

They said that what I experienced following Isabel's birth was traumatic and I would be at risk for post partum depression or post traumatic stress disorder. As I was going through this and had this mention several times I thought, I am strong and I have God, I will get through this challenging time with the support of family and I won't see this as a trauma.

But honestly, I was in survival mode and have been up until the last few weeks. I can only liken the feeling to what I can imagine it would be like to be chased by a bad guy and you are running for your life and then after a while turn back and see he isn't there anymore.

Though its a relief that its over, the emotions and the realization of what really happened can hit like a ton of bricks. Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you become enveloped in fear of what could have happended or what might happen in the future? Do you collapse in utter exhaustion?

One of my doctors mentioned toward the end of my healing process that this feeling could happen to me and that our brains can pretty much shut down given the circumstance and called it survivor syndrome. She said its like a case where your tossed overboard on a ship and cling to a piece of drift for days only to die on the ladder of the rescue boat from the sheer magnitude of the experience. When she told me that story I thought "thats not going to happen to me".

And no, it hasn't but I think I could have become overwhelmed by it all now if I didn't have the proper support that I do. I am not ashamed to say I see a therapist to help me process what happened, she's a trained therapist the deals with birth trauma (who knew that existed?!). She is wonderful and though I didn't have a prior condition, these experiences can challenge anyone's psyche.

Why do I bring this up? Well first, I am starting to experience the effects of post traumatic stress disorder and may talk about in the future. And secondly, just like with postpartum depression, I hope to de-stigmatize mental illness. It is in my opinion so easy to judge others that have a mental health issue that I just want to show that even though I didn't before it can happen to anyone.

Am I healthy over all now? Yes. Can I take care of my daughter? Yes. Am I still processing? Yes. But its all part of a healthy process and I hope no one would think less of me for putting this out there.

The way that I look at PTSD is that if I don't deal with it now it won't get better, it may get worse. Do I need meds to handle it? No. Just love and support to help me cope.

How does it affect me? Sometimes I have flashbacks to scary moments in the hospital or shortly there after. Sometimes its a scent, a sound or just a feeling its happening again and I am right back there in the moment. I have learned to refocus my thoughts and get through it, it only lasts a few moments (thankfully) but it is as real as being there.

The mind is a strong and mysterious creation and I know that God has given us awareness to understand. I think in these challenges its a calling to draw nearer to God and I have done just that.

So even though going through this can be scary, I am not defined by this trauma and I will get through it.