Radio flyer adventures

My mom noticed a few weeks ago that Isabel had a blast zipping around in a friends' wagon. I have given up on taking her for walks in her stroller because she would rather walk and or run.  It is generally no fun because about 2/3 of way into a walk she will get annoyed and want to get out.  We do not have a sidewalk nearby and it has bummed me out that I do not get to walk that much for exercise.

My mom bought Isabel a radio flyer. But not just any radio flyer, the cadillac version. It has folding seats, that have a removable seat cover, a waterproof fanny pack, cup holders for mom and baby, t-strap harnesses, an individual removable awnings on both sides.

She loves it, if she sees it in the driveway she automatically wants in and will not get out. She will ride anywhere and is content.

Thank you mom!

So I thought I would review our adventures so far:
1. Explored our neighborhood (I grew up nearby but never walked all the streets here)
2. Several trips to my In-laws
3. Downtown trip to Virgilio's with our dear friends including her BFF Lizzie
4. Visited the local strawberry festival
5. Walk on the boulevard, met many dogs and seagulls
6. Strawberry picking at a local farm
7. Several trips to the beach (mama will have buns of steal)

So many more placed to go but most of all, it has given us more freedom and chances to get out visit with friends.

Wherever we go, we get lots of comments on how this is such a special wagon and where did we get it?  Love it!

I have been quite protective of the wagon as mine and my sister's wagon was stolen out of our front yard when I was 4 years old. Not gonna happen!!

Embracing the new

This is week two of me staying home with Isabel.  I will be honest and say that last week was a bit of an adjustment to being back home all day, every day with my sweet girl.  She is developing into a very independent lovable, albeit opinionated toddler.  Several of the days it rained which made the days feel very long, however with the good weather and more fun activities including a trip to pick strawberries with friends and a visit to Maine, it is all turning around.  Most days I can't imagine spending a minute without her.

However, I feel like she is growing up and developing a sense of self and is less dependent on me. All good things.

So, I have decided to try some some new things this summer.

First, I am transitioning Isabel to sleeping in her room all night.  For now, she starts the night in her own room and we leave our door open (our rooms connect) and when she can't sleep she comes and snuggles with me.  Its a good compromise for now.

Second, I am embracing changing my food habits. I am tracking my food and eating lower carb. I am breaking out of the food rut.  I don't want to be that mom that finishes her kids' chicken nuggets or last sip of juice.  So I have embarked on a South Beachy approach that keeps me from doing that. It is so hard not to cheat but I am finding ways to make it enjoyable.

Today is a good example. I whipped up garlic and tomato shrimp with a salad while Isabel naps.  It made me feel special and decadent and it was ridiculously satisfying.

Lastly, I am going to embrace the moment. I have finished my dissertation and now I can really enjoy my days with Isabel. She doesn't nap 'on time' or stays up late or sleeps in? No problem. I can go with the flow more now.

Ah summer, I embrace you too!

Showing compassion

I try not to dwell on the tougher aspects of parenting, especially managing toddler behavior in a willful child, if I did I think it might consume me.  I try to accentuate the positive and remember that these days are flying by and to enjoy the ride.

Tonight was a perfect example of that. I was down on the floor playing with Isabel, she stood up and pulled her etcha-sketch toy off the couch and I saw it coming toward me but couldn't move fast enough to get away (isn't that the worst?!) Well it hit my ear. HARD. I felt like I was bleeding and my head hurt. I let out a shriek but tried to muffle it because I didn't want to scare Isabel.

J came over to check on me and I asked for a bag of frozen peas. The shock of the hit wore of quickly and in the mean time Isabel, had dropped to her knees. Knelt beside me and was peering over me saying 'ok mama'? She was genuinely concerned and rubbed my head as I said 'ouch'.

I told her 'mama is ok' and she took the bag of peas and put it to her ear. She got it and was so sweet about it. I know it was an accident and she didn't mean it but this empathetic and compassionate side just melted me.  In that moment all she cared about was her mama and making sure she was ok. How's that for  a 21 month old?!  This for me is what its about.  Watching her grow, develop and put two and two together.  She may be intense and strong willed at times but this other side of her, this loving, compassionate, caring and empathetic side is wonderful and outweighs anything else! Its the silver lining.

Even at lunch she made friends with two girls that were eating lunch one table away. The baby made eyes at Isabel and waved all through lunch which made Isabel shy. But, by the end of lunch their mom and I talked as the 3 year old ran around with Isabel as they played chase. Isabel even offered a hug to the little girl which melted both me and the other mom's hearts.

Isabel is such a special girl.  Even the notes I got from her teachers as she left her school noted that and it just makes all the tough parts about being her parent worth it.  Its hard work to parent but the most rewarding especially on occasions like today.

I stink at goodbyes

After six years at UNH, I will pack up my office, clean out my lab and email my dissertation final draft to my advisor.  I should be celebrating.  Instead, I am feeling a swirl of emotions. I feel apprehension, relief, sadness and joy.  Its a strange combination. It is hard to leave a place that I have grown so much academically and professionally and celebrated milestones (got married, bought a house and had our daughter).  I have grown as a teacher and grown into my role as a PhD.  Its has been an adventure.  I even took a year off and came back to finish and it was surprisingly easy to come back (easier than I thought) and good for all of us.  

This year has been a big year.  A lot of transitions.

Isabel started day care, I went back to work and we moved. 

I am not a stranger to transition, I have been moving and schooling for the last ten years at 3 different institutions.  

This one feels different and here is why:

I spend more of my time here than anywhere else. This is the culmination of my career thus far and we have changed as a family.  i feel like I am leaving something behind this time, friendships, good memories and it sort of feels unfinished, lack of closure.  

It feels a little anticlimactic to pack up and go tomorrow, most of the faculty are out in the field and so are my fellow grad students so there won't be a big goodbye.

Maybe that is a good thing. I am not gonna lie, I have been emotional about leaving.

So tomorrow, I will pick Isabel up from school for the last time and head home.

I think I am more sad about taking Isabel out of school. Yea, me the one that felt such anxiety about sending her in the first place. Remember this? 

Her teachers have been giving me the sad face for weeks when I mention us moving on.  I know that they knew she'd only be in school until the end of the school year but it came so fast.  They have been amazing to her.

She has bloomed in school, I see her confidence growing, her indepence has bloomed and she is happy there. She has friends and she loves her teachers.  She dances, sings and has quite the vocabulary.  It warms my heart and makes me so happy.

I really wanted to keep her in a little longer but the reality is, her class is moving to the next room in a couple of weeks and I couldn't do that to her.  She is attached to her teachers and I think it will be hard to change too many times.  

I would be lying if I said I haven't cried about tomorrow.  I know that her teachers love her.  I have been in their shoes more than my 'mom shoes' because I have nannied before and I loved those kiddos.  

I am so happy that her school was a great experience but it is bittersweet.  Today, Isabel and I made a handprint thank you card for her teachers.  I hope they know how much we have loved them!

The moving finish line

It’s a warm summery- spring evening, the one I have been anticipating since we moved here, warm breezes ruffling the blinds and the sea air hanging heavy as the birds chirp and the sun sets in a blazing fire.

I want to be relaxing on the deck with a glass of wine and enjoy the quiet and relish my completion of my dissertation.

But wait.  I can’t.  I am not done yet.  I have revisions calling my name when all I want to do is sit and relax and drink in the ambience and yes, a little wine.

When I mustered up the courage to come back to work part time in the fall and put Isabel in daycare to do it, I had all kinds of expectations of grandeur. That I would just somehow sit down, with rock solid concentration and write my dissertation in six weeks like I did with my Masters. I figured I would need the fall semester and maybe the spring one for final touches and walk in May. Done. I was going to DO THIS.

Why?

Well just because I took one year off due to my c/s infection/PTSD and to raise Isabel, didn’t mean I stopped thinking and mentally preparing to write my dissertation. 

Here is what really happened and I will abbreviate:

1.     I had to ease into daycare with Isabel so I worked less that I had planned the first month

2.     I spent a lot of time re-learning statistics

3.     I got sick a lot, thank you Isabel

4.     Progress was slow

5.     I finally got on a role in January and pounded out my dissertation and in about six weeks (hey what do you know?!)

6.     My advisor is (not surprisingly) meticulous and slow to return comments (first snag)

7.     I have to extend my deadline to submit to my committee despite heroic efforts to make the deadline.

8.     I make the second deadline and submit (bliss, glory, lots of sighs of relief)

9.     I defended 2 weeks later, seminar was flawless, defense was grueling but nothing I didn’t anticipate (well a few doozies but I made it) and PASSED

10. But here comes the kicker(big snag), my committee decided not to commit reading my revisions even with an extension from the grad school, so try as I might, I can not walk.

cue lump in my throat and tears brimming in my eyes, stinging as I blink.

When my committee told me this, I thought two things: first, hey I am still going to graduate even if I don’t walk and second, man I really wanted to walk.

When I started my PhD. I was newly married, new house, and even a new pup, rarin’ to go and excited to pursue my dream work. It was a really great project and I got to teach and it was a terrific experience.

I didn’t think about graduation as the goal, but just a part of the package. I used my experience from my Masters to anticipate the steps I needed to take to graduate and took it one step at a time.  I managed to teach full time for two of the years and still complete all of my research and qualifiers on time.  When I left in the fall of 2010 to have Isabel, I had just the writing to do and I was in pretty good shape.  I needed maybe six months.

Ok, yes, having a baby is life changing and for me a little more involved with recovery and all but that’s not the way it usually goes, but that’s what happened to me.  I definetly had not planned to take a year off but that’s what happened and I do not regret a minute of it because that time was precious and special. 

The reality was though, that in that time, I lost momentum. I lost faith in myself. I felt doubt (did my peers think I wimped out? Was my advisor going to tap his foot and say I told you so? Could I ever think clearly again with the amount of sleep deprivation I was in? Could I leave Isabel with anyone?  Did I want a PhD. Anymore? Could I actually hack it and did I have what it takes to finish?) These were just a few of my thoughts at the time.

There were logistics to work out, like child care and the finances to afford it. But surprisingly they came together pretty easily.

Stepping back in to my work realm was a bit easier than I thought, it was like no time had passed when I was back and it was strangely comforting. I had changed a lot mentally and physically but life there had not.

I actually enjoy the balance I get from having Isabel at school part time.  (Who new right?!)

Well along this path of self discovery, the rubber had to meet the road and I knew I was going to have to dig deep and get this dissertation written.

But oh wait, right about then, we ended up moving 1hr away. Hmmm great timing?!

So, fine. I just had to commute and write and yes it was winter time.

I worked every nap, every weekend, every minute I was not watching Isabel for three straight months because my goal was to graduate.  It didn’t matter so much at first but heck if I was going to work this hard, I sure wanted the satisfaction and closure that graduation provides.

So after my committee returned the devastating news that no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn’t return the revisions in time, I have again lost momentum. I just don’t have it in me to try. I am not used to this feeling.

I think I feel more defeated because this isn’t just about me anymore, its about Isabel. I have her in my life and I put her first.  So on one hand in my daily life she is first, I also have to fit my professional life goals in because it benefits her in the end for me to finish and support her financially with the job I will get from my PhD.  I know all this in my head but my heart is aching.

I can’t believe how bad I wanted to walk. Its not the whole because I can’t walk, I want to walk thing, its that I worked hard darn it and it just feels anticlimactic to still do all my revisions and turn in them into the grad school, pack up my office and walk away. Because that folks, it was is going to happen in about 3 weeks.

I have been in academia long enough and through two graduations to know they are dull and long.  But the moment of joy I would have felt hearing my name called, getting my hood and handshake or hug from my advisor would have really made all my hard work and the sacrifices I have made to finish, when I will be honest, I reallllly didn’t want to finish.

Ok, pityparty for one is over.  I am not feeling sorry for myself or making excuses for not finishing. I needed to do the revisions and I my committee has the right to need more time so that’s the break.  I will get my diploma in August and I could walk next May (but I highly doubt I will).  So, I will muster the strength to finish the race, even if I feel like I am running at a slow jog and like my finish like keeps getting moved.  I have to be honest, its maddening to hear ‘you are so close’ when that finish line keeps moving.  Its tremendously stressful to keep trying to make deadline after deadline and I don’t think any human can sustain life under such pressure for so long.  I clearly can’t (I have had one illness after the next for 5 weeks straight).

Nonetheless.  Revisions are calling.  I am pacing myself. I am getting them done but I am not giving it every waking moment.  And I think that is ok.  Because in the end I will finish. I will turn in my dissertation, it may be a weighty tome that just sits on a shelf in the library collecting dust but I will know its there and I will know it will be my best work. 

I also know that graduation does not make the accomplishment, I did.  And I know someday after this is over, I will be able to look back and be proud of myself for finishing.  I know my mom is. I know Josh is and someday so will Isabel.  Because really, they are my reason for finishing.

Today I defend

I wouldn't lie and say I knew this day would come. It has been a longer haul than I imagined. But its here and I say bring it.  Seminar at noon and defense 1-4pm. Wish me luck!!

Capturing moments in the busy life of a toddler

I have been so wrapped up in finishing my dissertation it has been hard to write about anything else lately! Fortunately, it will all be over soon and I can get back to a more balanced life!

Isabel is changing every day and I feel like it is important to capture the little moments because they signify bigger changes in her life as a toddler. Here are just a few sweet moments:

1. She's becoming a problem solver: my IL's gave her a bubble machine (she loves bubbles) and one day it ran out of bubbles so I poured some bubbles into the tank and figured she would be delighted to have it work again. Nope, she *had* to have the bottle of bubbles and *had* to pour it in herself. I didn't realize what her fuss about and just closed the bubble bottle and turned the machine on. She collapsed to the floor in tears, then rolled over turned the machine off and wandered off. I was in the middle of making dinner so I turned my attention away for a minute. Only to see her with the bubble bottle hunched over the machine trying to pour more in (bottle was covered) to where I had poured. *melt* she watched and learned and was trying to do it herself. I knelt down, opened the bottle (figuring a mess was about to ensue) and let her try to do it herself. She did it, with one hand. . I hated seeing her cry and struggle but was elated to see her not give up.

2. She's becoming a cuddler: I have been working long hours and even on weekends. The toll has been felt on both ends and I keep reminding myself 1) its short term 2) I am fortunate I only work p/t because although Isabel is adjusting more days at school, it shows in the time we are together. She's been hugging me and clinging to me and just wanting mama time. To the point where I took a day off just to snuggle because even her teachers were noticing a difference. *Gosh, cue the mom guilt* On one hand I am glad she can express her emotions and needs, on the other I hate that she feels the need to be snuggled more b/c she is missing me. I am glad she can get love from her teachers, dad, grandparents and aunties in my absence.

3. She stands up for herself: Her new word is 'No' and though I groaned when she learned it, I am impressed with how emphatically she uses it and how she knows how to use it. For example, in the morning she likes to eat her waffle on the go and the dogs follow her around and she just replies "NO"! And they stay away! Ha! Also, at school, a bully has been identified and he has scratched her because he likes to push and she wouldn't let him so she stood there and got scratched as she said "NO"! To him. I am so proud she stuck up for herself but it ripped my heart out that she got hurt. I know its bound to happen but still, it was hard to take.

4. She's a little conversationalist: Her vocabulary is building and she is putting two words together like 'all done', 'I sorry', 'go outside', and 'hi mama'... its so nice that she is 'getting' what we say and I am 'getting' what she says. Its amazing actually, she's only 18 months!

5. She knows her mama: At Easter dinner at my sisters' she milled about while we ate, and she came upon a picture of me on my sister's end table. She kept pointing and saying 'mama'. I thought she was just calling me and so I responded 'what?' then my mom pointed out, she was pointing to my picture. I seriously teared up. She knows her momma in pictures, how sweet is that?

Like I said, its been a haul to get through my dissertation and I am missing my girl while I do it but these sweet little moments remind me just how fast she is growing and just how much I love her. Its all for her, she is my inspiration and the reason I am working so hard. I want to give her a good life and hopefully someday she will be proud of what I accomplished.