I stink at goodbyes

After six years at UNH, I will pack up my office, clean out my lab and email my dissertation final draft to my advisor.  I should be celebrating.  Instead, I am feeling a swirl of emotions. I feel apprehension, relief, sadness and joy.  Its a strange combination. It is hard to leave a place that I have grown so much academically and professionally and celebrated milestones (got married, bought a house and had our daughter).  I have grown as a teacher and grown into my role as a PhD.  Its has been an adventure.  I even took a year off and came back to finish and it was surprisingly easy to come back (easier than I thought) and good for all of us.  

This year has been a big year.  A lot of transitions.

Isabel started day care, I went back to work and we moved. 

I am not a stranger to transition, I have been moving and schooling for the last ten years at 3 different institutions.  

This one feels different and here is why:

I spend more of my time here than anywhere else. This is the culmination of my career thus far and we have changed as a family.  i feel like I am leaving something behind this time, friendships, good memories and it sort of feels unfinished, lack of closure.  

It feels a little anticlimactic to pack up and go tomorrow, most of the faculty are out in the field and so are my fellow grad students so there won't be a big goodbye.

Maybe that is a good thing. I am not gonna lie, I have been emotional about leaving.

So tomorrow, I will pick Isabel up from school for the last time and head home.

I think I am more sad about taking Isabel out of school. Yea, me the one that felt such anxiety about sending her in the first place. Remember this? 

Her teachers have been giving me the sad face for weeks when I mention us moving on.  I know that they knew she'd only be in school until the end of the school year but it came so fast.  They have been amazing to her.

She has bloomed in school, I see her confidence growing, her indepence has bloomed and she is happy there. She has friends and she loves her teachers.  She dances, sings and has quite the vocabulary.  It warms my heart and makes me so happy.

I really wanted to keep her in a little longer but the reality is, her class is moving to the next room in a couple of weeks and I couldn't do that to her.  She is attached to her teachers and I think it will be hard to change too many times.  

I would be lying if I said I haven't cried about tomorrow.  I know that her teachers love her.  I have been in their shoes more than my 'mom shoes' because I have nannied before and I loved those kiddos.  

I am so happy that her school was a great experience but it is bittersweet.  Today, Isabel and I made a handprint thank you card for her teachers.  I hope they know how much we have loved them!

The moving finish line

It’s a warm summery- spring evening, the one I have been anticipating since we moved here, warm breezes ruffling the blinds and the sea air hanging heavy as the birds chirp and the sun sets in a blazing fire.

I want to be relaxing on the deck with a glass of wine and enjoy the quiet and relish my completion of my dissertation.

But wait.  I can’t.  I am not done yet.  I have revisions calling my name when all I want to do is sit and relax and drink in the ambience and yes, a little wine.

When I mustered up the courage to come back to work part time in the fall and put Isabel in daycare to do it, I had all kinds of expectations of grandeur. That I would just somehow sit down, with rock solid concentration and write my dissertation in six weeks like I did with my Masters. I figured I would need the fall semester and maybe the spring one for final touches and walk in May. Done. I was going to DO THIS.

Why?

Well just because I took one year off due to my c/s infection/PTSD and to raise Isabel, didn’t mean I stopped thinking and mentally preparing to write my dissertation. 

Here is what really happened and I will abbreviate:

1.     I had to ease into daycare with Isabel so I worked less that I had planned the first month

2.     I spent a lot of time re-learning statistics

3.     I got sick a lot, thank you Isabel

4.     Progress was slow

5.     I finally got on a role in January and pounded out my dissertation and in about six weeks (hey what do you know?!)

6.     My advisor is (not surprisingly) meticulous and slow to return comments (first snag)

7.     I have to extend my deadline to submit to my committee despite heroic efforts to make the deadline.

8.     I make the second deadline and submit (bliss, glory, lots of sighs of relief)

9.     I defended 2 weeks later, seminar was flawless, defense was grueling but nothing I didn’t anticipate (well a few doozies but I made it) and PASSED

10. But here comes the kicker(big snag), my committee decided not to commit reading my revisions even with an extension from the grad school, so try as I might, I can not walk.

cue lump in my throat and tears brimming in my eyes, stinging as I blink.

When my committee told me this, I thought two things: first, hey I am still going to graduate even if I don’t walk and second, man I really wanted to walk.

When I started my PhD. I was newly married, new house, and even a new pup, rarin’ to go and excited to pursue my dream work. It was a really great project and I got to teach and it was a terrific experience.

I didn’t think about graduation as the goal, but just a part of the package. I used my experience from my Masters to anticipate the steps I needed to take to graduate and took it one step at a time.  I managed to teach full time for two of the years and still complete all of my research and qualifiers on time.  When I left in the fall of 2010 to have Isabel, I had just the writing to do and I was in pretty good shape.  I needed maybe six months.

Ok, yes, having a baby is life changing and for me a little more involved with recovery and all but that’s not the way it usually goes, but that’s what happened to me.  I definetly had not planned to take a year off but that’s what happened and I do not regret a minute of it because that time was precious and special. 

The reality was though, that in that time, I lost momentum. I lost faith in myself. I felt doubt (did my peers think I wimped out? Was my advisor going to tap his foot and say I told you so? Could I ever think clearly again with the amount of sleep deprivation I was in? Could I leave Isabel with anyone?  Did I want a PhD. Anymore? Could I actually hack it and did I have what it takes to finish?) These were just a few of my thoughts at the time.

There were logistics to work out, like child care and the finances to afford it. But surprisingly they came together pretty easily.

Stepping back in to my work realm was a bit easier than I thought, it was like no time had passed when I was back and it was strangely comforting. I had changed a lot mentally and physically but life there had not.

I actually enjoy the balance I get from having Isabel at school part time.  (Who new right?!)

Well along this path of self discovery, the rubber had to meet the road and I knew I was going to have to dig deep and get this dissertation written.

But oh wait, right about then, we ended up moving 1hr away. Hmmm great timing?!

So, fine. I just had to commute and write and yes it was winter time.

I worked every nap, every weekend, every minute I was not watching Isabel for three straight months because my goal was to graduate.  It didn’t matter so much at first but heck if I was going to work this hard, I sure wanted the satisfaction and closure that graduation provides.

So after my committee returned the devastating news that no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn’t return the revisions in time, I have again lost momentum. I just don’t have it in me to try. I am not used to this feeling.

I think I feel more defeated because this isn’t just about me anymore, its about Isabel. I have her in my life and I put her first.  So on one hand in my daily life she is first, I also have to fit my professional life goals in because it benefits her in the end for me to finish and support her financially with the job I will get from my PhD.  I know all this in my head but my heart is aching.

I can’t believe how bad I wanted to walk. Its not the whole because I can’t walk, I want to walk thing, its that I worked hard darn it and it just feels anticlimactic to still do all my revisions and turn in them into the grad school, pack up my office and walk away. Because that folks, it was is going to happen in about 3 weeks.

I have been in academia long enough and through two graduations to know they are dull and long.  But the moment of joy I would have felt hearing my name called, getting my hood and handshake or hug from my advisor would have really made all my hard work and the sacrifices I have made to finish, when I will be honest, I reallllly didn’t want to finish.

Ok, pityparty for one is over.  I am not feeling sorry for myself or making excuses for not finishing. I needed to do the revisions and I my committee has the right to need more time so that’s the break.  I will get my diploma in August and I could walk next May (but I highly doubt I will).  So, I will muster the strength to finish the race, even if I feel like I am running at a slow jog and like my finish like keeps getting moved.  I have to be honest, its maddening to hear ‘you are so close’ when that finish line keeps moving.  Its tremendously stressful to keep trying to make deadline after deadline and I don’t think any human can sustain life under such pressure for so long.  I clearly can’t (I have had one illness after the next for 5 weeks straight).

Nonetheless.  Revisions are calling.  I am pacing myself. I am getting them done but I am not giving it every waking moment.  And I think that is ok.  Because in the end I will finish. I will turn in my dissertation, it may be a weighty tome that just sits on a shelf in the library collecting dust but I will know its there and I will know it will be my best work. 

I also know that graduation does not make the accomplishment, I did.  And I know someday after this is over, I will be able to look back and be proud of myself for finishing.  I know my mom is. I know Josh is and someday so will Isabel.  Because really, they are my reason for finishing.

Today I defend

I wouldn't lie and say I knew this day would come. It has been a longer haul than I imagined. But its here and I say bring it.  Seminar at noon and defense 1-4pm. Wish me luck!!

Capturing moments in the busy life of a toddler

I have been so wrapped up in finishing my dissertation it has been hard to write about anything else lately! Fortunately, it will all be over soon and I can get back to a more balanced life!

Isabel is changing every day and I feel like it is important to capture the little moments because they signify bigger changes in her life as a toddler. Here are just a few sweet moments:

1. She's becoming a problem solver: my IL's gave her a bubble machine (she loves bubbles) and one day it ran out of bubbles so I poured some bubbles into the tank and figured she would be delighted to have it work again. Nope, she *had* to have the bottle of bubbles and *had* to pour it in herself. I didn't realize what her fuss about and just closed the bubble bottle and turned the machine on. She collapsed to the floor in tears, then rolled over turned the machine off and wandered off. I was in the middle of making dinner so I turned my attention away for a minute. Only to see her with the bubble bottle hunched over the machine trying to pour more in (bottle was covered) to where I had poured. *melt* she watched and learned and was trying to do it herself. I knelt down, opened the bottle (figuring a mess was about to ensue) and let her try to do it herself. She did it, with one hand. . I hated seeing her cry and struggle but was elated to see her not give up.

2. She's becoming a cuddler: I have been working long hours and even on weekends. The toll has been felt on both ends and I keep reminding myself 1) its short term 2) I am fortunate I only work p/t because although Isabel is adjusting more days at school, it shows in the time we are together. She's been hugging me and clinging to me and just wanting mama time. To the point where I took a day off just to snuggle because even her teachers were noticing a difference. *Gosh, cue the mom guilt* On one hand I am glad she can express her emotions and needs, on the other I hate that she feels the need to be snuggled more b/c she is missing me. I am glad she can get love from her teachers, dad, grandparents and aunties in my absence.

3. She stands up for herself: Her new word is 'No' and though I groaned when she learned it, I am impressed with how emphatically she uses it and how she knows how to use it. For example, in the morning she likes to eat her waffle on the go and the dogs follow her around and she just replies "NO"! And they stay away! Ha! Also, at school, a bully has been identified and he has scratched her because he likes to push and she wouldn't let him so she stood there and got scratched as she said "NO"! To him. I am so proud she stuck up for herself but it ripped my heart out that she got hurt. I know its bound to happen but still, it was hard to take.

4. She's a little conversationalist: Her vocabulary is building and she is putting two words together like 'all done', 'I sorry', 'go outside', and 'hi mama'... its so nice that she is 'getting' what we say and I am 'getting' what she says. Its amazing actually, she's only 18 months!

5. She knows her mama: At Easter dinner at my sisters' she milled about while we ate, and she came upon a picture of me on my sister's end table. She kept pointing and saying 'mama'. I thought she was just calling me and so I responded 'what?' then my mom pointed out, she was pointing to my picture. I seriously teared up. She knows her momma in pictures, how sweet is that?

Like I said, its been a haul to get through my dissertation and I am missing my girl while I do it but these sweet little moments remind me just how fast she is growing and just how much I love her. Its all for her, she is my inspiration and the reason I am working so hard. I want to give her a good life and hopefully someday she will be proud of what I accomplished.

Three days in a row is clearly too much

For Isabel to get used to for daycare/school routine.

I know that there is something else going on with her because she is whiney and clingy every.single.morning and is only ok if I sit with her on the couch for a while.

This tells me she is tired. She's not sleeping 6:30pm-6:30am anymore its more like 7-6am and then her naps are later even if she is tired she just whines. If she would sleep 6:30pm-6:30am I know she would feel more rested and be happier but even when I try to keep it to that schedule she ends up getting wound up sometimes and bedtime gets pushed back.

So, this morning was WWIII getting her ready and into her carseat.

I hate mornings like this. It triggers major mom guilt for having to put her in the car and take her anywhere really.

I just wanted to go back in, crawl in bed with her and snuggle.

That is not what we did, we forged on and went to school which got better about half way there when she ate her snack and smiled and laughed with me. (there's my lovable girl).

I thought drop off at school was going to be tearful but she went right to her teacher and was fine *phew*

I am at school 3 days in a row this week because of the snow and the NEED to finish writing my dissertation within four short weeks.

So, I have had to up her daycare to 3 days and do this ride 3x instead of 2x.

God has been good by blessing us with a snowless winter and illness that somehow has not affected daycare days. Really it is miraculous. He has protected us on the all the roads we travel and made each trip relatively painless.

I do feel the guilt that comes with having to juggle this deadline and taking good care of Isabel but I know she needs to go and really likes it there. Really, if I didn't send her to any daycare/childcare she would have an even harder time separating from me in the future. I know that for a fact. At the same time, I wish it would get easier for her. I know she loves me and we are bonded for sure but I hate that this is hard for her and in turn its hard on me.

All I can say is ONWARD.

I know this routine will be only hectic for the next 2 months but it still feels like a struggle. In the mean time I am going to have to work on her bedtime so she can get more sleep.

All about Isabel....she's 17 months!!

This little 'girl' is so much fun these days!!!

I feel like she is growing up into her own little person with her own independent mind and spirit (well she always had that).

So what is new?

Words Words Words:

She has a lot to say. I feel like I need to write them down to keep track! She seems to be accumulating them at a rapid pace now! It is so much fun!

All done, apple, book, baby, ball, bubble, cat, dada, duck, dog, ear, eye, hi, mama, kitty, this, that, no, socks, shoes, slide, outside, up, uhoh, yes and she says 'nana' for something she wants and signs 'more' when she wants more of something.

Following directions:

She loves following directions if we make it a game but she also loves to ignore me if I am telling her NOT to do something, isn't that always the way?!

Showing affection:

She will randomly come up and hug, kiss or pat me and J and if you or most people she knows asks for a hug/kiss she will do it willingly. It is really sweet.

Mobility:

She is a little monkey. Her new favorite past time is pushing a dining room chair to the table and climbing it. Or using her table/chair set to climb over onto the couch. It is an endless battle but we are working on 'rules'. Mostly she gets when I say in a stern voice that she is to stop she will, or I have to physically re-direct/distract her. Most of the family knows the rules and helps me enforce them so we can stay consistent at home and when are out!

Favorite foods:

I have a pretty adventurous eater. I sometimes forget to re-intro foods we have tried in the past that she didn't like then but she has has pleasantly surprised me with her likes.

Including: clementines, cottage cheese, couscous, cream cheese, cherry tomatoes (oh, just wait for summer), cupcakes (thanks Jolene ;) chocolate and apple juice (she only takes a sip or two which is A-ok).

In general, I think she is going through a 'clinging mommy only phase' its hard to know for sure because she's clingy when she hasn't been before but it could be because she seems more family than ever theses days and a little less 'just mom' time. Also, she is dropping a nap and gets super over tired sometimes and her naps are just out of whack. Hopefully, she can get back on track soon. We are at school/day care three days a week for a March/April until I defend so that might keep her on track for a bit as long as we stay consistent the other days (which is hard if we want/need to go anywhere- the blessing and curse of a good car sleeper!)

She is just the best and as I sit her at work, I miss her. I think it is good to miss her sometimes because she can become all consuming and while that is the awesome part of motherhood, every person needs a little break. I honestly think she can get a little sick of me and start taking me for granted so I don't mind her going to school for a bit because its me and her the rest of the time!

A new perspective

Sometimes I feel like my weight and the perception of what I must look like to others holds me back from going out and being me.

Pre-Isabel I could doll myself up and pump myself up and pretty much go or do anything despite how I felt about myself about my weight. I could still shop for cute clothes, high light my hair, get a mani/pedi and just GO.

I always worked out regularly, fought to stay on a low carbish diet and pretty much battled my weight to stay under 200lb. and I felt like I was WINNING. I remember the times I would weigh in at WW and the leaders would be shocked I weighted what I did. I guess I always 'wore' it well.

I think a good weight for me (my slimmest and healthiest) was back in college when I was 175lbs. and if I looked at BMI chart that would OVERWEIGHT. But for me it was perfect. Well folks, I am about 50lbs away from 175lbs now.

Yuck. I can see where it is, on my hips, inner thighs, bootie, boobs, upper arms and chin. Yup, its there.

It is hard for me to hide in clothes, one because I have a very tight budget, very little time to shop to keep my wardrobe in style and I really do not dress up often because I am mostly a mom.

Maybe this sounds like a litany of excuses for why I can't keep myself up but if you are a mom and even remotely try to keep it together you know what a struggle it can be to just brush your teeth 2x a day much less, shave, wax, shower, blow dry, apply make-up, and get dressed on a regular basis. Forget going for hair cuts, mani/pedis or the gym on a regular basis.

At least that is my life.

I don't begrudge where I am. I feel like a mom, I look like a mom. Its not what I had hoped for. I didn't want to be that mom that didn't look together BUT I do have a kiddo that always looks her best with a wiped nose, brushed hair and cute outfit. I feel like that that is more important.

But I am not going to lie that not keeping myself up doesn't take an emotional or physical tole. Let's be honest, people are judged first on the cover not the book. Its human nature. I think moms are the most critical of other moms and themselves. I think we are all a bit insecure after having a baby, of our new stretched out bodies, how we appear to your husbands and how we look to the world that seems to be looking just a little closer at EVERYTHING we do with a kiddo in tow.

You could be judged for being 'too' put together after a baby suggesting that you put yourself first, You could be a disheveled mess and you would be judged for letting yourself go. Or you could be fighting to be in the middle, looking average and thus avoiding judgement either way. <------ This is me.

Unfortunately, the weight gives me away. It is becoming an uphill battle. I think despite being at pre-baby weight. Things have shifted, my thighs are thicker, boobs are bigger and bootie is rounder. I think some of it is because of the nursing. I have heard that once weaning happens the weight in those areas go away. Fingers crossed!

Now that we have moved, I am figuring out how to find help in getting a little me time (the guilt for taking me time is there but that is another post).

This weekend J, was away and my mom helped watch Isabel while we shopped and I got some cute clothes and it was start in there right direction. I will be cutting my hair this week and maybe getting a mani over the weekend.

Its the little things.

But with all this going on, I have a hard time just pulling it together to go out. I just feel no motivation.

Like yesterday, I had a baby shower to go to for a dear friend. I was dreading it, not because it was a shower but what was I going to wear?

Ugh, I am embarrassed that I think this way. I am NOT a shallow person. I just feel like my new body deceives me and I just feel like I know myself in it.

I managed to get dressed up and put makeup on and GO. March myself in with Isabel and we did it.

Guess what?

We had a blast. Made new friends and actually *gasp* enjoyed ourselves.

That never happens! I am glad that I got a little confidence from a new outfit and an adorable kid to boot to just do it. It was confidence booster and a motivator to just do it.

I am not saying I love how I look right now but my new goal to just accept where I am at right now and just be ok with me for now. I can't just stay miserable and home cooped up. I am going to make the best of it until I can make the CHANGE I need to.

Its going to have to wait until after my dissertation is submitted but that is weeks away. For now, I am me and that's ok.

Here is a sweet picture of Isabel holding my hand at my sisters after the shower. Of course I could obsess about my double chin and hair that needs to be cut but I will choose to enjoy the moment that my sister captured with my sweet baby girl.

On Ward!