This week I bumped into one of the nurses that cared for me during my long stay in the hospital. She happens to be associated with the nursing program here and her building is adjacent to mine (small world right?).
Anyway, we clicked right away and meet up as much as we can. She's only there 1 day a week and sometimes I bring Isabel to visit her (she really helped her learn to latch) so I am thankful to her.
She is expecting a little girl in the spring so its like the shoe is on the other foot. So that started the conversation about c/s and vbacs and all that. She has decided for now at least she will do a scheduled c/s.
I have always said I want to try a vbac if I can. Obviously, who wants to have to go through a c/s and infection. At the same time I know the risks and wouldn't want to jeopardize me or the baby (all hypothetical by the way).
Anyway, during our conversation she mentioned some stuff to me about the goings on behind the scenes while I was in the hospital. Its like a scary movie that you know you should look away from but can't help yourself when she tells me details like this.
1. She was in the delivery room and saw Isabel not cry or breathe at delivery (ugh I knew this but it made it scarier and more real having her say this)
2. She remembers my face during labor looking puffy, flushed, hot and the sweat on my brow (this all makes me sad, I tried so hard to deliver her even with a temp of 103)
After we went our separate ways that day, I literally walked back into my building wanting to cry. Not just a wimper or a tear but big fat crocodile tears and cry from the depth of my soul. Why?
Because as much as I have healed physically and emotionally, I am still a work in progress. This response tells me that. I also realized that I don't cry very much about anything anymore ( I used to be a crier). I think its because of Isabel. She is all encompassing and I don't get a lot of alone time to let down my guard.
Ugh.
I felt pretty crappy the rest of the day. As I walked to my car wanting to cry, I put on my iTunes and listened to some praise music. It centered and me and I said a quick prayer that I would be able to accept that I can't do anything about all that happened and that I would get through this. I started to feel better once I picked up Isabel.
Seeing her face light up when I walked into her classroom just took all my sadness away. She is my joy and all of what I went through was worth it to have her.
That said, I hate to still feel so raw about everything still. I thought it was getting better. Well, it is but things like this just bring it all back.
I hate more that there is an OB out there that I don't trust and makes poor decisions. It is slightly comforting that my nurse agrees but I feel mad that my life was put in jeopardy and that a year later I am still dealing with the consequences. I know that there is more to the story about how I got infected and what other steps were taken to correct it that I don't know about it.
It lead me to this conclusion
I want to have another child some day and I am hoping that my delivery is nothing like the first one and that I am still scared from what happened.
I appreciate having this terrific nurse friend but I hate that talking about it still brings me back sometimes.
3 comments:
Medical malpractice cases are hard to present. You have to prove that they intentfully neglected you. That they knew an infection would set in, and did nothing, etc. And because that is one of the unfortunate risks of a csec. And don't forget you will be putting your friend at risk of losing her job as well.
I had a temperature as well when I delivered A, it's a response that most people have, your body goes into shock. I am sorry that you had such a tough time. But the doctor saved I's life right? Which is a miracle! I know you're still dealing with ptsd, but you have a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl! Hang in there lady! :) Things will get better, everyday it should get easier.
Aw, sis. I almost wish she didn't share those past details with you. You don't necessarily need those wounds re-opened, so to speak. And maybe I am just being defensive sister, and want to protect you from rehashing any of that. It made me sad to read and remember too. It was the scariest thing in the world for me too, so worried about you, so wanting to help, and feeling helpless. Love you so much sis, and Isabel. You are amazing. XOXO
This was hard to read sis. I agree with jo, almost wish those details weren't shared. You don't need to re-live it. It was a scary, hard, awful time and am just so damn thankful that you and Isabel came out of it on the other side. Love you guys.
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