Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Monday, August 29, 2011

Letting go one step at a time: Isabel's first day of 'school'

Yea, I am struggling with what to call it. She is going to a 'day school' its more than a daycare facility. It goes up to kindergarten and they have an afterschool program k-12. So I guess its 'school' even she's only a toddler. Each room has a curriculumn and stuff they teach them rather than just play. I feel good about it because it has structure.

Originally the plan was to start her today 1/2 day 8-noon. Then Hurricane Irene happened and though we suffered minimal damage and no power loss my work was cancelled. How could I send her to 'school' when I didn't have something concrete to occupy my time?

So we made the best on Monday and she is going tomorrow morning.

Gah.

The anticipation of the unknown is always the worst in my book. On one hand, I feel ready to let go a bit...did I just say that?!

Well, yes.

For the greater good of finishing my dissertation, I can let go for 12h a week knowing she will play and interact with kids and teachers. I can do that.

The thought of someone else 'raising' her kills me though and I am greatful and thankful I get to spend so much time doing that. That is NOT to say that there aren't amazing caretakers out there that love the kids they take care of like there own but there is something about 'mommy care' that I relish.

I have been so anxious about my dissertation and my advisor has in a word been very patient with me.

Honestly, any sooner than now and I wouldn't be ready to do this. I am still not. Even as I sit here I am doubting this decision.

But, here is what I have discerned through my prayers and wisdom I have recieved from other moms.

This opportunity for me to go back AND find a center that would take Isabel 1/2 time with a couple of mom friends sending their kids there too just didn't happen on its own. God was is in it. He opened the doors I 'knocked' on. He is preparing my heart and mind for this because I NEED it big time.

Its been a heck of year and its not over yet. However, I know God has a bigger plan and though I have to 'give her up' for a bit, I know in the end I will always be her mummy.

So, tonight, I am packing her lunch and labeling her clothes and feeling very 'mom' like. Its a lot of work to prepare for in advance but we pulled it together.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

What comforts you?

Here are my top ways I feel comforted when I feel stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. I have been feeling that way lately, but I am finding ways to get through it.

1. God
Of course I have been relying on God's strength to comfort me, especially during this last year. I can't say I always 'feel' comforted all the time but my faith in God is something I rely on to get me through

2. Ladybug and Liam
They are my constants, they snuggle with me and wag their tails and follow a pretty normal routine, eat, sleep, play and snuggle

3. Night lights
I know they are for kids but dim light in our room at night helps me when I wake up when I can't sleep, its comforting for sure

4. Dishwasher
Sounds silly but running it makes me feel like life is normal and routine. I have been known to run it with two dishes in it ;)

5. Pillow
Smell of my pillow, yea know when it comes out of the linen closet, reminds me of mom

6. Food Network
I watched this alot when I was in the hospital, fun shows, nothing scary for shows or anything

Can you tell I like routine and familiar?

I feel like I have been anticipating that the next couple of months will be stressful as I mark one year since everything happened with Isabel's birth and the aftermath.

Good news? So far I feel less stressed than I thought I would and its less scary than I thought so far. Of course the new stress of having Ladybug needing treatment is adding new stress but overall I feel like I am getting through it. Definetly am feeling 'carried along' by my faith.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

When the news isn't good

Ladybug 7/14/2007 When we adopted her




Ladybug 11/4/10 Lounging on the couch

I can't hold my breath any longer and just 'hope' that things with Ladybug are going to be ok.

I knew as soon as I felt that lump it wasn't going to be good. Right there on her belly, hard lumpy little lump.

We were on vacation and I tried to convince myself that it was just a benign little lump. But in my heart I knew it was serious.

It seems like we are having an 'unlucky' streak.

This year has been one thing after another. I got a serious c-section infection that is so rare most of my nurses had never seen it in their 20+ year career but once before. Liam got a complication from getting quilled such that quills are still migrating out of his wrist joint and now of course Ladybug has a cancerous tumor but not just any tumor.

This mammary tumor only occurs 25% of the time and most of the time is benign. But not for Ladybug. *sigh*

This is where I could look back at this year and say 'boo hoo, why me God?' But I won't. If I did, it wouldn't be a very good showing of my faith.

I believe that as a Christian, I am not exempt from difficult times, even if they seem to pile up one on another for a year. Sometimes, these times are a period of testing a person's faith. Other times, it just it what it is and being a Christian just doesn't prevent bad situations. My faith this year has been tested and strengthened. I am trying to take the perspective that I have my faith and through tough times its my faith in God that carries me through. Where would I be without Him?

So, here is where we are. In a tough situation again. But I don't feel angry toward God for this year of 'bad luck'. I can't explain why its all happening now but I know that I am right where I need to be with my walk with God and I know He is in this.

Where do we go from here?

Well, the oncologist said that we can do chemotherapy and that will hopefully keep tumors from returning in the short term but in the end that this cancer will likely return in a couple of years and be what will do her in. That's the crappy part.

I had been hoping that she'd need just a couple of treatments and that would ensure it wouldn't come back at all.

Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Her tumor is rare because most dogs are spayed at 6 months but because she is a rescue she wasn't spayed until 2 years old. That greatly increasing the risk of this cancer. since its not well studied the oncologist was being cautious not to give us too much false hope but since it hasn't spread yet it could mean it could be at least delayed for a while. There's just not a lot of data out there to give a definitive prognosis. So I am hoping that this could mean she could have a longer healthy life than the oncologist can guesstimate.

I know that we are giving Ladybug the best life we can.

She we 47lbs, flea bitten, just getting over heartworm and had hookworm when she came to us. She has blossomed into a rambuctious, quirky, playful, loving and loyal girl who I love dearly. She's so intuitive. When I was pregnant she 'just knew' and when my incision opened she was trying to lick at it and I didn't realize till after she already knew what was happening and was trying to 'fix it'. I wouldn't say she's MY dog but I feel like we share a very special bond. She is my first dog, she has taught me how to love deeply and what loyalty is. She prepared me for being a mom (so did Liam with all of his antics) but truely she's one of kind. She was meant for us and we are meant for her.

We will do all we can to take care of her and love her and give her the best 'dog' life we can as long as we can and cherish the time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

PhD Mama playdate

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from a mom that saw my post on the UNH jobs website advertising for a babysitter. She's a PhD grad student with two kids and she didn't want to sound stalker-y but wanted to let me know she lived in my town and did we want to get together?

How funny is that?

In this day and age I guess thats how we connect via email and FB and its interesting how it all comes together.

She's in a different department but she knows other mamas in our area going to UNH so we get to meet up on Friday.

Usually, this kind of meet up social situation would stress me out but I think it will be fun to meet other moms in my boat and commiserate if nothing else.

How cool is it she lives in our tiny lil town!

On a side note, as much as I HATE that I am leaving Isabel so I can go back to work p/t I am feeling alittle excited about finishing. Feels like its been a long haul and I did enjoy my 'life' prior to Isabel. I think it'll feel nice to be appreciated for my brain for once. Not that it doesn't take alot to raise Isabel but it can feel isolating and alittle hum drum sometimes especially when I have a baby that is very active and doesn't like to sleep for long. And oh yea, we don't have tons of money for activities so thankfully its nice out! Making the best of our week together before every thing changes gear next week. Kind of mind boggling that I haven't been to work in 1 year.

A PhD. mama playdate will hopefully start it off on the right foot!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Big steps

Today Isabel is 11 months!

She's starting to take steps, her favorite game is when I stand her up about a foot away from me and she takes a couple of steps and falls into my shoulder. Love love love the joy I see on her face when she does this!

She's weeks away from really walking...kind of crazy! She can climb the stairs and is a very fast crawler!

She's loving feeding herself and it loving waffles, mangos, cherries and peaches.

Just today I was taking her home from music class and she was babbling and enjoying the walk when it donned on me I have a little girl.

She's amazing me every day and I love each minute.

On to the next bit step.....
We are going to put Isabel in part time day school, 3 days a week each day a half day. Ugh, I know its gonna be hard to let her go but I feel like its the right call. Here's why:
I need to finish my dissertation and need face time with my advisor
I can make some money and it will help pay for childcare
I think Isabel will thrive in a distraction of an environment
I like the school curriculumn and its better than just a babysitter
A friend is sending her baby there too so that makes me feel a little more at ease
Isabel doesn't have to nap there because she will start off on half days

Of course, I am terrified. I haven't spent 4 hours away from her and she's never been with anyone but family.

The thought of her crying her head off devastates me. I am trusting that we found a school that will have teachers that are experienced and will be able to help her through it.

Its a giant step for me to do this. I don't want it to seem like I am putting myself first. I am doing this so I can finish my dissertation and then go back to staying home with her longer and working another job part time down the line. I really enjoy being her mom and yet I need to finish my dissertation, and I am not getting it done on my own.

I start in 2 weeks..
*sigh*

*************************
Ladybug is doing alot better with her incision and is healing. She's so spunky its hard to keep her quiet!

Liam had 4 more quills removed from his paw after seeing a specialist. I am hoping this is finially it!

We also got the results back on Ladybug's mass. Its malignant.

*gulp*

We are hoping since it was fully removed and not spread she can recover and not suffer with cancer long term.

Wishing for a break. We really love our fur kids and we will do anything for them. Saddly, this is really financially draining. We are doing the best for them and we will. I have to, we wouldn't have it any other way.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I witnessed DETERMINATION today


Today, both of my sisters ran a half marathon, this is the second one they ran in a year. I wanted to be there to cheer them on the first time but couldn't because that was the day I was admitted back to the hospital with my c-section infection.

Fast forward to today.

They didn't expect me to come because it was early in the morning and a long drive for me. I was already planning to be in the area for birthday party so I tried to make it.

As I zoomed down the highway I was getting play by play from mom.

I was so excited to be there and celebrate their big accomplishment. Its been a fews weeks since Isabel saw her aunties and I wanted to surprise them.

I had heard that Jess and Scott had finished and had a good run. I knew Jolene had struggled and was feeling defeated.

I knew how much this half marathon meant to both of them.

Especially Jolene.

I knew she was upset before I got there but when I saw her I saw determination. I felt it. Her legs were goosebumpy and she was weary but she was still strong. She probably didn't think she looked it but I could see it.

I was proud despite her feelings of despair.

I was in awe of her and that she finished a 13.1 mile run despite difficulties breathing and the humidity.

I can only imagine how hard it was.

I have sports induced asthma and I could relate to how she described how she was feeling.

I know I would struggle if I had to do that run. There's a reason why I don't run. I don't think I can do it. I mean I know I could but I haven't yet.

I wish I was as committed as her. I know running doesn't come easy to her and yet she conquered it. She stayed dedicated and determined.

What I love is that Isabel was there and we took some pictures and we can tell her how strong and determined her two aunties are and that even when something is hard she can conquer it like her auntie did.

I also loved while we there there that Scott, his sister Lisa and Miguel and my dad and Darlene were there too. It was an improntu family get together. Made it feel special. The extra sweet part? Miguel 'lent' Isabel his medal....awwwww. She chewed it with pleasure!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Just Breathe

I think I mentioned that I found a lump on Ladybug over vacation. This week we proceeded with having it removed right away. Everyone at the vet has been really supportive and I think we are going in the right direction.

Yesterday she went in to have the lump removed and I waited with baited breath.

Liam was kind of beside himself without her but he calmed down. Isabel and I enjoyed a 1st birthday party at a park in Portsmouth and made the best of the day.

I got the phone call from the vet saying she was ok but she was going to rest for 2 weeks. I could breathe alittle bit better and felt relieved.

My relief turned to fear when J brough Ladybug home. She actually was acting quite spry for having had surgery. She has two ports in her incision to help with the healing. She really seemed restless and we had to collar and crate her. J was up with her most of the night. I slept upstairs and J stayed with her. Thank God for him.

This morning I was just a nervous wreck because I could finally see her incision. Its about 12 inches long. My c-section incision was half that.

*Gulp*

I have to say I am really feeling anxious and sad for Ladybug.

Going through my mind right now are flashback to what I went through with my c/s. Ladybug was right by my side the whole time. So gentle and calm. That is how I am trying to be for her.

Its hard.

I hate having to crate her and keeping a collar on her. I know its for her own good. Its really hard to keep Isabel away from Ladybug and I am not sure how I will do two weeks of this. Isabel is everywhere.

I want Ladybug to survive this surgery, not to get infected and for this lump to be benign.

I know God is in this. I know that He is watching over us.

I do wish I could say I didn't feel like asking Him for a break though.

Right now this all feels like too much.

All I am asking for is to get through the next 2 weeks and that Ladybug stays strong, heals quickly and we all make it together.

That is my prayer because this feels like alot and I am just trying to BREATHE.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Vacation with a baby redefines vacation


So ever since last summer when we planned our vacation to return to Lake Umbagog J has been doing the count down. All I kept thinking about after Isabel was born was ugh, its gonna be a long ride with a crying baby. As the months went on I felt less concerned about that and more concerned about the secluded nature of the location, what if I couldn't entertain her?

Well, here's what happened in high light format.

1. Packing for a 9 day trip with a baby that had Roseola, a hot and humid week of weather and 2 dogs was kind of a bummer

2. We managed to get off to a good start and Isabel was feeling better by the day we left but Liam was limping despite pain meds we picked up.

3. The car ride up was great, she slept 2/3 of it

4. Unpacking up there was way easier than packing here!

5. Baby proofing was a must in the cabin and we avoided major catastrophe with some vigilence. i.e. pulled all the blinds, covered all outlets, moved the coffee table and ashtrays, pushed the bed away from the window and kept the front screen door locked because she liked to look out and lean against it.

6. Screen tent for outside was a must. We were right by the lake and she wanted to crawl to it. So it kept her contained, bug free and out of the sun. We just had to keep her from picking the grass and eating it and from pouncing on the dogs.

7. Biggest adjustment? No sleeping in, no lazy naps (though J napped with her and I got to relax blogging/browing the web and read a whole book!)

8. Drawback to a DIY vaca, is I had to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of a baby so in essence same thing different location. However, J was really helpful and we got to catch up alot and actually talk...imagine that?!

9. FIL and his wife were in the next cabin, which was nice they could play with the baby and that helped

10. We managed one dinner out but the dogs had to stay in the car which stunk

The other tough part of our trip was that Liam popped a quill out of his joint requiring J to go home for the day and have it removed and the other was Ladybug had a lump in her belly that I found while we were away. So, needless to say we had hoped for a simple and relaxing vacation but instead it was alittle less restful but at least we had each other!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Nonno

This week my Nonno passed away. He was my dad's dad and we did not have the closest relationship but I am still sad he passed away.

I feel more sad for my dad. In the last few weeks I gained some perspective into their relationship that I had never known before.

My Nonno was straight off the boat from Italy. He and my Nonna came to the US to start a new life. He was a police officer in Italy but had to start a new career here as a painter. He married my Nonna in Italy and then she moved here and raised my dad and aunt. He wasn't really a family man, he liked traveling and pursuing his own interests. I didn't spend alot of time with him growing up and spent much more time with my Nonna. He was in a word fickle. One day he was lovin life and happy as a clam, the next he was picking fights and holding grudges.

My dad always had a tumultuous relationship with him, as did much of the family including my dear Nonna.

I think looking at it now my dad took it the hardest when Nonno would get angry and hurtful.

I can't explain my Nonno, I don't think any one really could. But it was hard on my dad. There were times in dad's life when Nonno was kind to him and others, generous and even tender. But much of the time he wasn't like that.

My dad longed for a good relationship with him, a consistent one. One that would not change in an instant and cause them not to speak for a year or more. I think that my Nonno hurt him so much because my dad loved him and wanted a good relationship with him and no matter what my dad didn't get that with him. That's the part that I see now and it makes me sad.

Dad and Nonno hadn't really spoken much since my Nonna passed 2 years ago and a couple of weeks ago he started asking to see dad. Dad went to see him and I encouraged it, even though I know it was hard for dad. I didn't want my dad to regret not seeing him. Its not like all was patched up in the couple of times my dad visited him but they made their peace. Nonno even learned he had a great grandbaby and he smiled at that.

I think my Nonno loved us girls even if he didn't show it much. I tried mostly because it meant alot to dad and Nonna.

My dad and I have had our own rocky patches in the past and I was always nervous my dad and I would have a relationship like he and Nonno. I am thankful that our relationship has evolved into a loving one that is fortified by lil' Isabel.

So, I am sad to say goodbye to Nonno but hopeful that much of the hurt and pain dad felt from this rocky relationship can be healed over time.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Lost in my thoughts

Lately, I have been finding myself lost in my thoughts. ALOT. I keep thinking its because I am contemplating going back to work, my dissertation, Isabel's sleeping habits.

Its probably all that. And then some.

I think anxiety is slowly creeping into my life.

I am dissapointed.

I want to feel like I can handle anything. After all with God in control, how can I be anxious?

Well I am and I don't like it.

I think that the PTSD is rearing its ugly head again. I have a feeling its because the months are adding up and we are nearing Isabel's first birthday.

I want to be overjoyed and I am. Part of me is sad though.

I keep replaying all that has happened in the beginning. I want to move on. I need to. Its what needs to happen and yet I feel stuck.

How am I going to get through it?

I want to say that I am going to just find a way to overcome this on my own. Actually, I don't think I can. This is bigger than me.

What is comforting me is that God is bigger than this, He is my strength in my weakness.

I am accepting that maybe my mind will wander to the events of the past and its still going to be hard for a while. But I am hoping that this fall we can create some new memories, some happier ones.

I love our little family and I am thankful for this week to have a week away with J and Isabel and the pups so we can catch up and have a chance to relax...well not really relax with a busy baby but still its been beautiful weather and nice to be a family!