How a day can change your perspective

Sometimes I have it all planned out what I am going to say in my next blog and I *thought* I knew what I wanted to say but today changed all that.

I had planned to talk about our move and the misgivings I have been having about going through with it. Well, I am feeling ambivalent about it. Not gonna lie, I love our house. I will miss our house, our neighbors/hood, my vet, Isabel's pedi and my sense of independence (to put the cons in a nutshell).

Today the balance was tipped in the other direction and in the most unexpected way.

I went up to ME to visit my Grandparents (the ones that helped to take care of me when Isabel was first born and visited a lot when Isabel was an infant).

I have been seeing them less as its harder to travel 1h each way with a baby who sort of naps on a schedule etc. Plus she is in school and me in work 3 days.

Anyhoo, despite her crankiness this morning I forged ahead.

Best. Day. Ever.

I feel like God smiled on our visit and blessed it immensely.

What did we do? Nothing special.

Isabel napped half way there and woke up when we arrive (tired) but perked up right away. She ran all around their house exploring it on her own two feet (first visit while able to walk) . She remembered the ceiling fan and pointed up to it so Grampa ran it for her (she was mesmerized by it as a baby). She picked leaves off Gram's plant (naughty) and ate voraciously anything we would give her, especially honeydew melon from Grampa. Even a cheeto, Gram gave her.

Grandpa headed out for a Dr.'s apt and Isabel blew him kisses.

We took her outside for a walk. Today was 68 degrees out! Sunny and beautiful.

We just let Isabel run, no stroller, no sidewalk just freedom. It is a safe quiet cul-de-sac. Gram is a walker. Much of my time spent with my Gram has been spent walking, in the woods(looking for Indian pipes and Ladyslippers, at the lake, apple orchards, blueberry fields, looking for chickadees and burning off Thanksgiving dinner.

Today was no different.

Except instead of pushing Isabel in a stroller like we did a lot a year ago when I stayed with her, Isabel walked like a big girl.

Isabel has also discovered her shadow recently, so she had fun chasing it and chasing Grams. I caught little videos of the day and it warms my heart.

My perspective changed about moving in a big way today because it made me realize what is important.

Sure, I love our house and the house we are fortunate to move to, doesn't feel like ours. But you know what? I will get over it. Why? Because Isabel gets the chance of a lifetime. She will get to grow up down the street from her grandparents (both sides). How awesome is that? Well if you are me, well pretty awesome because that's what I got when I was a kid.

The sacrifice of moving and giving up some freedom is worth it. I cherish all my memories with my Nonna rolling meatballs on Sundays and walks with my Gram. It wasn't the big events and stuff like that that mattered it was the everyday routine stuff I got to have with them. Reading books, cooking, sledding, sleeping over all that.

I am so greatful to have lived close to all my grandparents and am very close to the ones still with us and I am 32.

I am NOT saying that if you grew up far from your grandparents its a bad thing, I am just grateful I did. I think its because I know what I would be missing and I don't want Isabel to miss it.

Today was bittersweet. My grandparents are strong and independent and amaze me at their age they have outlived mine and J's grandmothers. I want them to be with us forever. And as I feel the tears forming in my eyes. I know they won't be.

Ugh thats the crappy part about loving family so much. The thought of not having them is so sad. However, I am determined to cherish all the moments big and small with them. So today was awesome and I have the video to prove it!

So, we are leaping with two feet into this move and I excited to see how my parents and J's will rock Isabel's world. Teach her, be good role models and shape her.

It's worth it.

Here we go!

Pulling it together and getting some perspective

I feel like I was pretty honest in my last post, I sometimes find myself editing myself in my posts but I am going to throw caution to the wind and say what I feel and so be it.

I hope it didn't sound like I was feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. Since I wrote that I got to thinking. I am not a superficial person and I am not going to let the fact that others judge me for my weight hold me back. Sure, I think twice when I get dressed in the morning and sometimes changes 3x but don't most women? Once I get out the door, I forget my weight and just am me. Of course in the back of my mind, I know I am being judged but at the same time I am not defined by my weight. I Thats the most important part right?

Certainly, I want to lose weight and get into better shape but I am not walking around as unhealthy person. I am working hard to accomplish many goals and though my weight is one of them its not the only one.

Currently I am:
1. An active mom to a busy toddler
2. Writing my dissertation for my PhD.
3. Loving wife to J (well, I try ;)
4. Preparing to move/pack
5. Mama to Ladybug and Liam, Chloe and Zoe (my fur kids)
6. Being healthy and making good food choices as yes ti can

So with that perspective, I am doing a lot and its hard to focus on any one of them solely but I am trying.

So onward!

Judged

Today, I came across a blog post about being judged based on your weight.

Someone asked an open ended question to the effect of 'as a heavier person are you judged for your appearance?'

It sparked a litany of responses all to the effect of 'yes' being heavier equated to being judged. It might have been a stare, glance or eye roll. A comment by a waitress about unhealthy food ordered or lighter fair ordered and 'will that be enough'. Or they got comments from family members. Some had been teased all their life. Some had recently noticed the changes in people's attitudes toward them having gained weight recently (pregnancy).

One common sentiment among most of them (many were women) was that they didn't want to be overweight. Most of the women had gained during pregnancy and not lost it all.

I fall into the fluffier now than before category. I am carrying around 5lb+ from my pregnancy but honestly, I have gained 30lbs since my wedding 5 years ago. *gulp*

Sometimes I can't see where it has accumulated. Other days (i.e. a glance to the mirror in the bathroom and I *know*).

I have tried loving myself despite my weight. I have tried to accept it. It beats loathing which for me leads to more eating.

I guess I can say as a person that has never been skinny (thinner but not skinny) that being overweight isn't fun. I know I am judged. Sometimes it inadvertent but other times I feel like my weight holds me back.

How? Well I work in a male dominated environment and teaching in front of a classroom takes guts and it helps to be attractive (yea, sucks that I am admitting this).

I feel judged by other moms, my doctor, but most harshly by me.

I am my worst critic. Aren't we all?

In the last couple of years, I have been able to hide under the guise of pregnancy and breastfeeding but no more. I stayed home and secluded with no one to compare to and its time to break free.

Even if I am not ready to transform and lose 100lbs I am going to make small strides in the right direction.

I hate that we judge in the world and moreso that we are such a superficial nation. Ugh.

Not me, I know God created each one of us and that we are made in his likeness. I also believe our body is our temple and we are to be good to it.

There is the rub for me. I need to take care of my body and in my head I know this but sometimes food/circumstances take over.

I would say my weight is my biggest struggle and I hate that it is so obvious. I mean you can't tell if a person struggles with mental health issues etc but weight is obvious and easy to judge.

Its not just thin people that judge heavier folk but vice versa. And why is that? Is it because we know the struggle and judge it more harshly? I don't know the answer but I struggle with this and do not judge others based on their weight.

One place I experienced feeling judged was both in my OB's office (post partum check up) where she told me I better lose some weight when I see her in December (that was back in March ugh, not motivating at all!) and when I was recently in the ER. I had a male nurse I just felt ignored by him all day. J said I wouldn't want the attention just because I was thin but actually I would at least in that case. I hate it when I feel like people only see my weight and not me.

I want to be seen as strong, healthy, fit and not instantly labeled 'heavy'. I don't want to be that overweight mom that my daughter is embarrassed of or the butt of her little friend's jokes.

I don't even want to be the 'hot' mom, I would like to be normal, average and me. That is all.

Happy Halloween!

Well we have power back hooray for that!

We did NOT however, have it for Halloween. Did that hinder us? Nope.

You know why? I have the BEST neighborhood EVER!

I picked Isabel up from school and rushed home to get her in costume (thankfully she cooperated) and was the cutest kitty I have ever seen! Biased?! No!

I snapped a few shots of her outside on the front steps as she tried to walk away from me ha! Nonetheless, I got some cute shots.

Despite not having power, our neighborhood ran their generators and lit Jack-o-lanterns. I took Isabel out in her umbrella stroller to tour the 'hood. Something I really wanted to do last year but was sick and staying with my sister so it couldn't happen. Looking back, I would have had a screaming baby at that time of night so it would have been fun anyway. Add doling out candy and keeping the dogs at bay and it would have been a drag.

I did not however, anticipate this year that I would be trick or treating without power with the ground covered in snow.

However, it was fun!

My neighbors LOVE Isabel and she is such a ham loving all the attenention.

Its funny how something as simple as trick or treating brings the neighbors together. I love it and will miss it.

Isabel does this thing now where if I am holding her and she wants to get going she just flaps her arm 'goodbye' to the people I am talking to and then tries to wriggle free.

She did some of that mixed with running down our street. It was cute but later on this will not be cute but rude. Thankfully a 13 mo old can get away with it!

J came home early with pizza and Isabel was very clingy to him. It was sweet and I love seeing them bond. I have felt sad that she has been such a mama's girl she hasn't gotten the full effect of all the love her daddy has for her. So am I happy to see this change!

We got like 6 trick or treaters instead of 60 like other years.

So here I am eating Halloween candy nom nom and working on my dissertation. Did I mention the rest of the candy is going to grad office tomorrow? Or that I worked out 2x this week?

Yea, having no water forced me to use my gym at school and *gasp* I liked it. I think I will go tomorrow on the way to work. Yea! Me time+ working out+ endorphins= happier me! Ya!

Peserverence in a power outage

Well its all over the news that we go tricked into a Halloween weekend snowstorm. I at least did the dishes and laundry ahead of the storm anticipating a power outage. We have been through many outages in storms and I have learned from my mistakes. The only thing I wish I did this time was fill the bathtub.

When we lose power we also lose water. Ugh. Imagine not flushing the toilet or even washing your hands yuck. Its tough with a toddler aka sticky fingers!

When we went to bed Saturday night the storm had already dropped several inches when it only really started at 3pm. On a side note J spent the afternoon mowing and leaf blowing....yea he's a die hard!

When I woke up to a screaming baby at 1am it was pitch black and it was howling outside.

I had a moment of panic with Isabel. She was inconsolable, wouldn't nurse and was writhing around in pain. I was scared she was having a migraine like me. We called the nurses line because she was coughing, wheezing and snotty. THe nurse was great and recommended switching to motrin and it might be an ear infection.

She thankfully fell back asleep in my arms until morning when we took her in to see the pedi. I had mixed feelings about trekking out in the morning but I wanted to get her treated if that was what she had. So J, the trooper snow blew the driveway and dug us out.

Not that I like to be right but as soon as the pedi looked in her ear he confirmed what I already knew. It was an ear infection. Ugh. Sometimes I hate to be right ;)

Thankfully with Motrin and antibiotics she got more chipper and slept better during the day. My IL's came up to help get the battery back up the sump pump going again and played with her. She was actually quite charming. I am loving this age for Isabel. She is becoming more independent but showing more affection.

I have to say I am thankful we have a better generator this year that power some lights, the fridge and the furnace. So its warm but the not having the water stinks. Its almost cozy and then there's the no hand washing/bathing issue that makes it suck again.

Last night I had to wash Isabel with bottled water and it was chilly. I went to the UNH gym to workout and shower and I feel like a new person. I forgot how much I love working out (feels like the old me) and love to feel clean again.

I am hoping that we have power back when I get home today!

More than a headache

When I woke up Thursday morning, I felt off. More than I had since the start of the stupid stomach bug. Isabel was fine, she had puked the day before but was alright Thursday but had to stay home because she puked the day before.

J kept saying he would stay home if I wasn't feeling well and as much as I wanted him to (as I lay in a heap on Isabel's bedroom floor as they played). I wanted to tough it out and let him get to work because he had already missed Monday because of this bug.

By 10am I knew something was wrong, my head was aching life I hadn't had caffeine so I drank coffee as she napped and then layed down with her..2h later we both woke up (so unusual for us to nap that long). I was feeling way worse, my head was pounding and I felt hot, achey and had chills. I called J like a billion times but he was in a meeting. I called my mom, my sister and my dad hoping someone would come and help me because I wasn't sure I would be able to make it till 7pm when J comes home.

Thankfully my sister gave me some moral support and then J called back and came home mid afternoon. I tried to nap it off and by 4pm I was feeling terrible. My dr. got me to go see Urgent Care at 6:30. I didn't feel great about going so late because thats Isabel's bed time but I didn't think I would be able to make it through the night.

After 5 m with the NP she was sending me to the ER for pain meds and fluids. I was dehydrated, nursing a sick kid and my temp was 101.7. Ugh, with trepidation I trudged over to the ER. I didn't want to go. Hospitals are scary to me now, I know to much. Especially at this ER.

I was prepared for a long wait with snacks and distractions for Isabel but thankfully they took me right in. J took over Isabel's care and played with her. After I was settled I tried to nurse her to sleep on my lap but she wouldn't stay still so J walked the corridors with her in the stroller.

They started an IV in my hand....ouch! I hate that! The morphine brought the pain from a 10 to a 5 but soon it was back up to a 10 but I was feeling woozy from the medicine and able to doze. J had taken Isabel for a ride in the car and she was sleeping so I was thankfully able to focus on me for a bit.

My head was pounding, throbbing with painful jabs through my head and eye pain. I had to cover my eyes with a wash clothe and just breathe. Talking hurt and even lying down was painful so I sat up and just wimpered. Pathetic huh?

After midnight they sent me home with pain meds and nausea meds. We filled the Rx and I went straight to bed. Unfortunately, the pain did not subside.

By Saturday, I was desperate. I called my mom at 7am and asked her to come watch Isabel while J and I went to the ER again. It was big of my mom to come up and change her plans to help me. It was big I was leaving my baby for the day, hoping she would nap etc. for my mom.

Thankfully, Isabel and my mom were awesome together. Mom kept texting me pix and I was so relieved.

At the ER they tried enough pain meds to tranquilize a horse but NOTHING helped. I was so frustrated that at one point I cried. The Dr. threw around the possibility it was viral meningitis and he could do a spinal tap. I was all set. He said the treatment would be pain control either way so even though for a split second I thought I should just suck it up and do it, I decided to go home.

At home the pain was the same and I exhausted. It was just so disheartening to have a headache...a migraine go on and on. It doesn't have any outward physical symptoms but it is down right debilitating.

I have had migraines before but not like this one and not for 5 days. I am so thankful J and my mom stepped up and cared for Isabel, because I literally could barely do anything but nurse her. It felt oddly familiar like when I was sick last year. It was not the same and I knew it but it brought back a lot of feelings.

I was however, in so much pain I didn't have a lot of time to dwell and that was for the best.

Monday, Isabel went to school and J to work and I just slept. I woke up with the pain gone around noon and it was miraculous. I wish I could say that I feel great. Honestly, I feel worn out. My arms feel like jelly and I feel woozy. My head feels like I went to a rock concert for 5 days. I just feel out of it. I am glad its over but its left me feeling lost. I don't get why this migraine lasted so long when the others went away in hours. I think it was part of the bug and that I was dehydrated. I need to drink more and I know that. Ugh.

It got me really thinking about my health and being there for Isabel. This experience was scary. Being sick isn't really an option when you have a little one. When I get sick it really knocks me out. I hate this. I also hate not being there for Isabel. I really want to do better taking care of myself because I need to be my best for Isabel and our little family. Ugh boo Migraines!! Don't come back!

When the stomach bug hits

At midnight last night, I was woke up with hug stomach cramps and needed to go like NOW. TMI right? At that moment Isabel woke up crying so J comforted her and I rushed to the bathroom.

I could hear that Isabel was crying and starting to gag as she does sometimes. But then I heard puking so I came in and pick her up to comfort her. She sat on my lap and puked some more. I stripped her and J ran a bath. I threw her in the tub and took her out changed her and me and then of course she puked even more.

So I just jumped into the shower with her and cleaned us up and changed us again. I took her temperature and it was 101.5 so we sat in the rocker and she slept on me for a while. I laid her down with me and she slept for a while until I woke up a few hours later she was HOT like 103 hot.

I hate when she has fevers, she's so miserable.

J really blew me away during all this. He was so patient, sweet and even handled the puking pretty well! He just kept saying poor baby. And it was true.

You know when she is sick when she just clings to me and snuggles. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the snuggles but hate that she is sick. However, we made the best of it today. She and I stayed in our pjs and napped together while J worked from home and took care of us. We are actually a good team J and I ;)

I am thankful that Isabel doesn't get sick often with high fevers but when she does its just a bummer! I also am thankful for J being home. Because honestly, I feel pretty bad too and its hard to take care of a sickie when I am sick.

I am chocking this up to having a baby and we will all get sick sometimes but we are getting better at working as a team to take care of her.

Poor baby!