Facing Fears

This week, a very dear friend is due with her first child and I have been thinking of her all week, praying that her delivery goes smoothly without complications. Its a new fear tinged anticipation I feel for all of my friends that are waiting to go into labor. Obviously, based on my own experience my eyes are open wider to all the possibilities of what can go wrong at birth. As a biologist, I always knew alot but didn't think that the near worst could happen to me. No matter what mindset I think a first time mom goes into while in labor I believe it has no bearing on the outcome. I had decided prior to Isabel's birth I would do what is necessary to deliver her safely. No options left off of the table. I would allow monitoring, IV's, an epidural and a c-section if needed. I tried my best to endure the pain and keep an open mind. And for the most part everything including the c-section though not the typical birth experience went well and I am ok with it. Its the after part that really caused me to stare death in the face. Dramatic? Maybe but that night my incision opened I really thought in my head 'I am dead'. Chilling I know. But in a way I had always feared that I would have complications at birth, pessimistic I guess. However, I did have a conversation with J about what would happen if there were complications. In the end nothing went how we had thought it would and we just had to roll with it. There was no script, no predictable outcome, we just took it moment by moment. I don't know why I have been reminiscing so much about this lately, maybe its that my friend is having a baby and its bringing to mind how I was feeling as I anticipated Isabel's arrival. Or, it could be because I am allowing myself to delve into the in workings of those weeks that I had been blurring in my mind because it had been such a difficult and painful time. Part of working through it is to find the good points and hold onto that. Obviously the biggest blessing was our beautiful daughter. And now as I am standing back and 6 months have passed, I can say good came out of this experience. I discovered just how I strong I am when I rely on the strength of our Lord, it was definetly not my own strength! My marriage was tested in every way possible and even though we didn't do everything right at the time, we weathered the storm and we are better than we have ever been. My relationship with my sisters have transformed and I miss them so much, which is bittersweet. I have learned alot about myself, I feel like I have matured so much and am finally settling into my role as mother. With my responsibility as a mom it forces me to look at the future in a new way....and honestly its a bit scary. Isn't that always the way with the unknown? Well, my new biggest fear is not getting to raise my baby girl. Why am I even worrying about this? We have to write a will and outline how I want Isabel cared for. That's not the hard part, so many folks love her and she would be well raised. Its just the thought of not being here to be her mom. That's a gut wrenching thought but thats not a reason not to write a will. Its the right thing to do. That's not to say that my biggest fear is not being there for Isabel. Maybe most new moms think this way, or maybe not. I think I do because of what happened at her birth and how real it felt that I might die. Lately though, I feel even more sure that God created Isabel to be my daughter. I am supposed to be the one to raise her and He blessed me and J with her for a reason. That is my greatest comfort. God has a plan for me and one for J and one for Isabel. I can rest assured knowing God is in control, even when life feels unpredictable and scary. God gives me the strength to face my fears.