Descisions, Descisions

I recently got an email from my advisor that was encouraging about my progress but reminded me that he would hire me to work in the lab to run some HPLC on squash carotenoids.

I was feeling bold and said I wouldn't be able to do it unless I got paid enough to afford a babysitter for while I am in the lab and a few extra hours to be a mother's helper so I could get writing done. I was figuring he would offer something like $10/hr that would only cover the babysitter for while I was at work.

He countered with a wage that would cover a babysitter and then some.

Ugh... on one hand this is great news! I could afford to go back PT and get work done at home while Isabel plays.

Ideally, it would be the same person watching her when I am at work and home. I would want some one experienced with babies, especially high need ones (like Isabel ;)

But WOAH....am I really going to go back to work?!

Not really and here is why:I am still dealing with PTSD

I am getting work done at night and in the morning on my own

Isabel's napping and sleep is getting much more regular but not great

She is developing seperation anxiety

Why I could be ready:I really want to get my PhD. done!

Isabel is less dependent on me for food and is doing well with food

Maybe she would like her babysitter and it would give me a chance to get away alittle bit in a safe way

I need to finish my PhD!! Did I mention that?!

When I first started thinking about going back this morning, I was getting excited and invigorated by the idea. As the day went on, I got more anxious and I felt so not ready.

Now, I am oscillating between fear and determination.

I absolutely love motherhood and am so thankful to be able to stay home with Isabel (have I mentioned that enough?!) I love being here in the here and now and focusing just on Isabel. I don't ever have a wistful moment of *sigh* wish I was at work.

Don't get me wrong, I love my field, my career and all the potential there. I see myself getting a PhD. and using it in the long term.

But Now?

All I want to be is my daughter's mom.

Is that selfish? Would other mom's be jealous of this viewpoint?
To some, yes its selfish and some would argue Isabel is better off getting used to a baby sitter now. Other's including my working mom friends probably do wish they had the choice of staying home.

So I am stuck.

I am enjoying staying home to the fullest. BUT, I have a PhD. hanging over my head...UGH!

This is going some prayerful consideration and putting on my big girl panties to get on. I know what I have to do to finish and working PT might be a means to an end to finish. I can't and don't want to put it off forever. At the same time Isabel will be only this little once and it is so special.

Gah......