It feels like alot all at once

Last night I found myself sitting on my kitchen floor crying.... why? Well its alot of things wrapped into one moment.

Liam, has been having seizures since January. Four that I have witnessed and possibly more that we haven't. The concern is that they are getting more frequent, 2 in 2 weeks.

Solution? Medication 2x a day every 12h. What happened? Well he is groggy and clumsy and sometimes restless. He is still the sweet puppy I love but the change in behavior is unnerving.

The challenge is that for 3 weeks he is on one dose that his body will adjust to and then hopefully we won't see another seizure. However, he might still them in the next 3 weeks or after the 3 weeks and then we would need to up his meds more. Apparently, his body will adjust and he will stop having the side effects that are so worrisome to me.

It has been hard to leave him to go to work this week, fearing he will have a seizure while I am gone and the way he responds to the meds makes me sad too.

Last night was my breaking point.

I came home from work and he was slow to rise and was swaggering around. Like he was drunk. He had tumbled down the stairs in the morning and I was afraid he was hurt by that.

I put in a call to the vet, who is amazing and will drop everything to talk to me. She has a soft spot for goldens :) She has 2. She didn't call back and things were getting worse.

I was in the kitchen attempting to make dinner and went to light the grill, Liam usually follows me around. Instead he just laid on the floor and would not get up. I called the vet and they patched me through.

While we talked about lessening his dose, Liam did get up on his own to lick my face (good sign ;)

So we gave him 1/2 the dose last night and this morning and he seems alot more like himself. I am at work now and later will take him to the vet just for a quick look-see before we go on vacation next week.

I can't beleive how overwrought I am over this. I obviously love my animals like they are my children. I know this is a process of getting him on the right dose and that this is best but still it is ripping my heart out!

God never gives us more that we can handle, and I need to trust He is in control. Yet, I am stressed about this situation.

Adding to that the gestational diabetes, my exhaustion from not sleeping through a night due to bathroom breaks and hip pain and I am just not feeling myself.

This is NOT a pity party for one. I know life isn't always up or always down. I just needed to share my worry.

We go on vacation next week with the dogs so that will help me relax because we will all be together!

Week #31 Update

Wow oh wow its starting to feel more real. I oscillate between elation and fear! This week at my OB apt. I had to sign forms of consent for delivery and meds for induction should that be the route I need to take for delivery.

Its pretty scary when you think about the risk but the reward is worth it. I found out that Baby N will be born by her due date of September 21st and not later because of the complication of GD, they don't want her to get too big. I also will be getting an u/s at 33 weeks and non-stress tests every week until she is born.

The most amazing thing this week was being able feel her body more clearly. I can feel her head and her back and what I think are elbows and knees. My OB even mentioned just how amazing the whole thing is. Quite reassuring that a seasoned OB can still find wonder and amazement in the miracle of life.

How far along? 31w 1d

Weight gain? 19lbs

How big is baby? ~ 3lbs (bigger than me when I was born) and I will know more accurately at the u/s

Kicks? steady jabs and rolls and hiccups, noticing a pattern now

Latest craving? Ice cream and thankfully I can have it at night even with GD!

Highlight? Feeling her body and head= pure joy!

Sleepless nights.... guess its good practice!

Sleeping through a night is becoming more challenging but not impossible! I wake up every 2hrs. to pee.. no surprise! But the biggest surprise is the hip pain that has creeped up. It seems like no matter what I do it just hurts all night.

What have I tried? Stretching, walking, water aerobics, pillows under my hips and between my knees, even pressing tennis balls on my hips to break up the tension. I think the couch will be my next try. But I will miss the AC and sleeping next to J.

It is frustrating that I am not sleeping well and still have to function during the day. The upshot is that it is training me to do more with less sleep for sure and to nap when I can!

In other news the insulin is working for sure. My morning blood sugar is coming down! Woohoo!

Lately, it seems everyone has been giving me the knowing nod when they see me waddling around in the heat and apologize for me having to go through the heat. It makes me laugh because I LOVe this beautiful summer weather. Yes, it is hot and at times a bit to take. However, I love the sun! Keeps me cheerful!

Its hard to say goodbye

I have been meaning to mention that Josh's nana passed away last week. It still feels surreal because her funeral isn't for another week.

I think it will hit both of us more when her services happen. However, her obituary was published in the local paper. It was beautifully written by my MIL I think. I learned a bit more about her just by reading that obit.

When I started dating J, she welcomed me with open arms. She tried to find things we had in common and always asked about my family and my life. She was an excellent conversationalist. We both loved to garden, going to the beach and loved our pets unconditionally. She was known to say what she though right there on the spot, and yes she did that to me more than once but it was usually in jest. Soon, I became known as 'princess #2'. My SIL was #1, no arguments from me!

When J and I got engaged it was during a time when his family was going through alot all at once. His nana was in LA housesitting for her son when hurricane Katrina hit. She made it through the storm but while she was going through that, her son passed away while on vacation.

Our marriage became a bright spot out of really tragic situation. I definetly started feeling more of a part of the family after going through that. That was the Christmas I got her handmade stocking that was a family tradition. I guessed I was 'in'

After we were married, she went in for a procedure to remove part of her lung. She ended up spending 6 months in critical condition at Mass General Hospital. She pulled through bravely but it took a toll on her fragile body. And I would say she wasn't the same after that.

In the last year J and I both noticed a decline in her health and her demeanor. It was hard for us to watch. When we told her about Baby N, she was over the moon. I think it gave her something to live for.

In the last few months I wasn't able to visit her as much because either I was sick or she was and since neither of our immune systems were at their best the last time I saw her was J's 30th bday in April. She did always ask J about me and baby when he would see her. So I still felt connected.

She really declined since April and after a hospital stay, she came home and passed away with her family with her. Death is never easy to take. It doesn't matter if someone is older or sick, it still hurts. We can take comfort that someday we will see her again and she isn't in pain any more.

However, its hard for me when I think about her never meeting Baby N. She even started a stocking for her *sigh* that really brought tears to my eyes.

She was always thinking of others. She will be missed but we are all better for knowing her.

Adventures in being brave and 30wk Update

So, I have been monitoring my diet and blood sugar for almost a week and my morning blood sugar is over 100 on most days and the range for fasting blood sugar is 60-90.

What to do?

Well, its pretty much been decided that I have gestational diabetes even though the tests showed I was borderline. I did call my OB just to double check that this is a good conclusion and that insulin was the right next step.

So, yesterday I trudged off to the Diabetes Clinic for a consultation and to learn how to inject insulin. They are very nice there but I think they are used to a cohort of people that don't know much about their body, basic biology or nutrition. So, I am probably a breath of fresh air since I know alot (not trying to brag but I am getting PhD in Biology) so much of the info was remedial and not so helpful.

Except for the insulin injection lesson. I am not too squeemish about needles and I can follow directions but going over the steps left me a little light headed because there was so much to be watchful for. I practiced using the pen several times on the pillow which represents my thigh and felt good to go.

The plan is to inject at 10pm at night and titer the amount based on my morning fasting blood sugar readings. I get to have a good carb-y snack at bed time so for now I am trying a sweet treat, last night it was a klondike bar. Apparently though its counter intuitive, I should eat this high carb snack because if I don't my morning numbers will be higher because glucose is still released through the liver at night and I am most insulin resistant in the morning. Another interesting note that made me feel less like a failure is that the demand for insulin at 30 weeks in triple that of a non-pregnant woman. So no wonder why my poor pancreas can't keep up!!!

I came home after the appointment and explained the process to J, who promised to help me go through the steps. I have to say I was scared and dreaded 10pm!! But when the time came I got the insulin pen ready and J double checked it. I injected the needle into my hip. The worst part? The anticipation of doing it... it didn't hurt much and it was over quickly.

Of course I got up this morning all excited to see my numbers go down in the am and they did not... so I guess I need a better night time snack and more insulin tonight...boo.

So that is me being brave for Baby N. She certainly is worth it! The plus side to controlled GD is that it will hopefully prevent a C-section or at least lesson risk. Uncontrolled GD can lead to a bigger baby especially in her shoulders and head making birth difficult. So here's hoping!!

How far along? 30w 2d

Weight gain? I am down 3.5lbs since starting this GD diet so my total gain is 18.5lbs

How big is baby? About 2.75lbs but I will know for sure once I get the u/s in a week

Kicks? Lots but not as frequent now that I am on the GD diet, less sugar=slower baby which is good if not a little unnerving!

Latest craving? Diet coke

Highlight of the week? J is painting Baby N's room!

You get two pix this week:

Sitting in the front row at church

Today we got to church just as it was about to start, I hate getting their 'on time' or 'late' ugh. But today it was the best I could do just to get their by then.

Since we got their late there were no parking spots except for really far away ones... lovely. I prepared myself to waddle across the lot. But, just as we were about to park far far away. J pulled into the expectant mom/new mom spot.

I blushed a bit because even though I am about 30 weeks (7 months) pregnant I still feel like I shouldn't use that spot. But we did and it was a life saver. There are 3 in front of the church so I didn't feel as bad taking the spot.

Since we were late, we were seated in the front row. It was a new experience. We usually sit in the middle to back. I think J and I both liked sitting up front. I felt more connected to the service and the teaching. Less distraction from the others around us, like the ones using the Ipad etc.

I am starting to feel like we can settle into this church. I am going to volunteer to help with VBS in August. We are going to go to the new members class in a week and learn more. I feel like God is opening the doors and helping us to settle in there. It feels good.

The down side is that they don't have a choir but I was thinking about joining MOPS after baby N is born as a way to connect and meet other moms.

I think we might start sitting in the front, even if we get to church on time ;)

Adjusting... its a challenge

Today has been a long day..... I just feel wiped. I know its in part because of the baby but also because I have been trying to keep up my busy pace....but I think I need to scale it back. I also need to be better about taking time for myself, even if it is to take more bathroom breaks when I am running around.

Case in point today: After my haircut I had to pee, did I go? No... I went to the grocery store and should have pee'd before... it was bad! Then, I got annoyed that it seems like every store has their bathroom in the back of the store...hello? Not conducive to the pregnant lady! Lesson learned to pee when I can!!

My weekend schedule isn't too hectic lately but I need to work on taking more breaks. Usually, on Saturdays I have water aerobics but it was cancelled because our instructor was away. That class alone will wipe me out. Instead I did house chores, got a hair cut, did the grocery shopping and painted the edges of the hallway walls and the nursery (J painted with the roller the rest). I made dinner and did the laundry. It sounds like a lot but I used to do so much more!

*sigh* Its an adjustment! And I need to slow down a bit.

I am adjusting to my new GD diet. I went on Thursday and saw an RN and though I don't officially have GD I have to follow the diet and test my blood so its like I have it anyway! It has been really interesting testing my sugar and doing the diet. At first, I was starving and frustrated but I have learned more of what I can eat and spreading the snacks out better. Grocery shopping helps.

Some of my problems with the plan:

• I am still have aversions to meat/pb, can't drink milk
• Other protein options are cheese/cottage cheese and too much of that causes problems
• I have also had high blood sugar every morning which is concerning
• I am trying to figure out which night time snack I should eat
• I am also not very hungry at night so thats challenging too

I feel like a science experiment.

Over all since starting the diet, I had been feeling a bit more rested when I do sleep and less hungry during the day. I might lose some weight doing it... we'll see.

Another big development is J's grandmother passed away this week. She had been ill for a while but it is still sad for all of us. She was always good to me. Very interested in my life and supportive of my relationship with J. I think we will give Baby N, her name as a middle name to honor her. I just wish she got to meet her. We are still sorting out the arrangements, still feels surreal.

I am still here... week #29 Update

I totally fell off the face of the planet apparently and so I haven't updated in a week!

The 4th of July weekend was great even though we didn't go camping, we spent time with neighbors at a cookout and in Maine with family soaking in the sun. It was fab and pretty relaxing! We did make progress on the baby's room and other house projects like painting the back of the house and the hallway.

This week has been harder for me because of the heat. I spent a couple of days working from home in the AC. I just couldn't take it. I was glad for the extra puppy time. Sadly, Liam had another seizure. Thankfully I was with him but it was hard to observe. It was about 5 minutes long. *sigh* my poor baby boy. We have to decide if we will medicate him or not.

I have been blessed with generosity this week. We (actually just me because J had to watch Liam) went to dinner with my co-worker and they gave us alot of great baby stuff to get us started. It was so nice. Makes it feel more real!

Yesterday, two of my good friends couldn't make my shower but we met for lunch and they gave me a sweet card and gift. I just feel so appreciative of everyones' love and generosity!

So how is baby? She is doing well. Kicking alot and they say she is measuring alittle big but they said not to worry yet. I just started monitoring my blood sugar and diet (not GD) but on the borderline. Kind of feels overwhelming but I will do what it takes!!

So....


How far along? 29w2d


Weight gain? 19lbs


How big is baby? around 2 3/4lbs.


Kicks? Yes feels like she is crawling around in there and hiccupping


Latest craving? Gardinea that vinegary carrot/pepper medley! Yum!!!


Highlight of the week? A/C!!!

I feel like this pix is somewhat ambiguous because it looks like last weeks but believe me she is growing!!!

Academic Scientist in the Summer

I have to say its a struggle sometimes as a scientist and an academic. Yes, I am an adult and am used to working year round but the pace slows to a dull roar in the summer time. This is a good thing because during the school year everything is so busy I feel I never even have a second to breathe.

However, the slower summer pace is sometimes daunting too. I enjoy being busy (not to the point of craziness but a good pace). In the summer its hard to maintain a good pace. The rest of the faculty, staff and students scatter to do their summer research or take vacations.

Usually, as a PhD. I am in the field from the end of May until the end of June on a daily basis. In July and August I would work 1/2 days in the field and the rest of the day in the lab analyzing samples and thats a good mix for me.

This summer, I was at a meeting at the end of May and in June I was in the lab full time. Yes, its where I need to be to be able to finish my lab analysis. But I am not loving it. I miss my field work. I should say why I am not in the field. Other than being pregnant, my field work is complete.

So, each day I roll out of bed and into 'lab appropriate' clothes (closed toed shoes and sensible clothes that could get dirty) and there I will send 8hrs alone working. Any other scientist might love this but I am more social than most scientists I think.

I take breaks and pretty much talk to anyone else thats around (hopefully I am not annoying them) but it breaks up the day. Once in a while I will get a visitor which is nice.

But, this raises some questions:
Will I hate summer research and not productive when I am doing my own research?
Is my lack of enthusiasm due to my desire to finish and just be done?
How will I find a balance to get through this summer?

I know from the past that in the summers where my days have been busy I have felt happier and more productive. I also think that its the point I am at in my research/PhD. that is causing me to feel fatigued. And I think in the future I will be careful to pick research that I will enjoy that hopefully has a field component!

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In other news, I passed my GD test conditionally. I am glucose intolerant and need to be monitored but I don't have GD. So phew!! Baby N is going well, has the hiccupps :)