Worst night of my life

We got into the ER and of course Isabel is sleeping like a rock :) figures! She just looked so peaceful and beautiful. My heart was breaking that we were back here again. She hadn't even seen her nursery yet.

We were allowed to sit in the family room so I could nurse if I needed to. As I waited I called my mom and just told her we were back in the ER.

Soon they took me back and put me in a room where a nurse got me to pee and took my temperature. I felt terribly ill at that point, no fever which was good I guess. Then the lab tech came in to get blood, not just a little either. They stuck me in several places to get enough. They were checking for sepsis (infected blood)... not good. I just remember the smell of the betadine on my hand and the goose egg that formed from taking it there. The blood culture bottles looked like nips and in my blood went....

J was by my side with Isabel feeding her and comforting me. It was about 2am and I was in alot of pain. My meds had worn off so J asked for more for me. Thank God! Morphine in the IV line...heaven!

Around that time my mom showed up. It was a relief to see her but I felt bad because her being here with me meant that she would like miss my sisters running the 'Wicked' Half marathon later that morning. Mom decided not to tell them and I think that was wise because we didn't want them to lose focus.

At this point the ER Dr. came in took a look at me and my incision and basically said I was being admitted again and was going back upstairs. I wasn't shocked but I was scared. He said in the mean time I could have whatever pain meds I needed, nice HUH?! Too bad it wore off quickly.

Meanwhile I needed to pump as my milk was just coming in. I had the ER nurse get me a pump, anyone of you breastfeeders knows how important it is to keep pumping. Isabel was sleeping so I couldn't feed her anyway. So pumping it was. Looking back it probably would seem crazy that as sick as I was I pumped for her. Breastfeeding was what was keeping me going at this point and knowing that I would rather have it be me than Isabel going through this.

At 5am I was taken upstairs with Isabel, mom and J. Dr. Basilice was on call and took a look at my incision. She decided she would open it all the way and clean it out. At this point the smell was really unbearable and pain even worse. At 7am she was doing the procedure.

This is when I learned just how I handle pain, apparantly I am stoic and just grin and bare it. To get through the excruciating pain I focused on talking about Isabel's nursery and the theme. I guess I did so well the Dr didn't think I needed pain meds. Of course I was dying inside but what could I do?

I was totally exhausted and felt like I had the worst flu ever on top of that just getting up to pee was tough, painful and tiring. Add to that a breastfeeding newborn and you can see the situation was overwhelming. Silent tears rolled down my face but it hurt to much to cry hard.

As I laid there a million thoughts ran through my mind, primarily, was I goin to die and how much worse was this going to get? I had a feeling surgery was imminent but I was honestly skeeved out at the thought of my incision being opened. It actuslly was at this time and all I could imagine was my guts coming out. I know I am a biologist but it was tough to be rational. finally I gave in and asked how deep they went and they said just to my abdominal wall....creepy but I could deal with that.

Woest day/night of my life yes, but it was then that I realized just how greatful I was it was happening to me and not Isabel.