Mama love

I am sitting at my desk at 1:15pm working on my dissertation but my mind is wandering.

I made the mistake of watching a couple of Flip videos of Isabel from the summer and it makes realize just how much I love this little girl.

Lately, I have been feeling like maybe we are one and done. Isabel is the light of my life and my joy. I know love doesn't divide it multiplies but I am in the phase with Isabel that I am loving every moment of.

Is that selfish?

Well, maybe. But for now, I think it is ok.

I know giving Isabel a sibling will be good for her in the long run. And I do want to have another baby someday.

But I think its ok not to be ready right now.

Um, hello? Look where I am at right now, in the midst of finishing my PhD., about to move, I have a busy toddler and I think my life isn't full?!

Well, I do have a full and fulfilling life.

I guess I feel a little pressured. Maybe its my own internal timeline. Maybe its the 'when is Isabel going to have a bro/sis?' comments I keep hearing.

I usually can tune it out but lately and now that its the holidays and family is together I am hearing it more.

I still think its a big deal that I am considering more kids after what I dealt with postpartum.

But the love of this child conquers it all for me. Its like a magic eraser that just wipes the pain and fear and agony away. Well. most of it.

Feelings and flashbacks still come back.

Like last week, I had to get my incision checked by my OB because I was having some pain. Just the thought of going to the office brought me to tears. Once I was there I was ok. I was mildly disappointed my OB didn't remember many of the details about what happened. Hello?! I know you see a lot of patients but I HAVE to have stood out. c'mon! I am ok right now (might have some adhesions) but my cycles are more normal post Isabel (better than before actually), I have lost 18lbs since March and I am feeling better in general. But NOT ready to have another baby good. I am still healing. Its these little reminders that sneak up on me and remind me.

And, its the love I feel for my precious daughter that gives me pause and makes me think hard about doing it again. Do I really want to put my life in jeopardy again?

Maybe that sounds dramatic. But I don't think so, childbearing is risky business.

So until I am ready *IF* I am ready someday I will focus on being healthy and cherishing Isabel.

I am excited to change my eating habits (thanks to my awesome sisters) and encouraged that I did lose weight! I am motivated to do more.

Not just for me but for my daughter.

I thought I would do a big Thankful Thanksgiving post and though I am thankful, I can some up Thanksgiving in a few sentences. We spent it with family (IL's) for the day but Isabel got to see all her grandparents in the span of two days. It was easy to just truck her around because we were all in the same town (encourages me that this move will be great in the long run).

We did have an unfortunate incident with Isabel over the holiday though. Isabel and J collided while he was vacuuming and she hit her head HARD on the floor. We both felt terrible. She was ok and after 5h waiting the ER she has a bruised and puffy face to show for it but really is fine. Ugh! I hated seeing her in pain and seeing her swollen face. Mama wanted to trade places for sure!

Mama loves her little one and nothing will change it, not time, not distance, not even another sibling! Isabel is loved by her mama and it will always be that way <3