Judged

Today, I came across a blog post about being judged based on your weight.

Someone asked an open ended question to the effect of 'as a heavier person are you judged for your appearance?'

It sparked a litany of responses all to the effect of 'yes' being heavier equated to being judged. It might have been a stare, glance or eye roll. A comment by a waitress about unhealthy food ordered or lighter fair ordered and 'will that be enough'. Or they got comments from family members. Some had been teased all their life. Some had recently noticed the changes in people's attitudes toward them having gained weight recently (pregnancy).

One common sentiment among most of them (many were women) was that they didn't want to be overweight. Most of the women had gained during pregnancy and not lost it all.

I fall into the fluffier now than before category. I am carrying around 5lb+ from my pregnancy but honestly, I have gained 30lbs since my wedding 5 years ago. *gulp*

Sometimes I can't see where it has accumulated. Other days (i.e. a glance to the mirror in the bathroom and I *know*).

I have tried loving myself despite my weight. I have tried to accept it. It beats loathing which for me leads to more eating.

I guess I can say as a person that has never been skinny (thinner but not skinny) that being overweight isn't fun. I know I am judged. Sometimes it inadvertent but other times I feel like my weight holds me back.

How? Well I work in a male dominated environment and teaching in front of a classroom takes guts and it helps to be attractive (yea, sucks that I am admitting this).

I feel judged by other moms, my doctor, but most harshly by me.

I am my worst critic. Aren't we all?

In the last couple of years, I have been able to hide under the guise of pregnancy and breastfeeding but no more. I stayed home and secluded with no one to compare to and its time to break free.

Even if I am not ready to transform and lose 100lbs I am going to make small strides in the right direction.

I hate that we judge in the world and moreso that we are such a superficial nation. Ugh.

Not me, I know God created each one of us and that we are made in his likeness. I also believe our body is our temple and we are to be good to it.

There is the rub for me. I need to take care of my body and in my head I know this but sometimes food/circumstances take over.

I would say my weight is my biggest struggle and I hate that it is so obvious. I mean you can't tell if a person struggles with mental health issues etc but weight is obvious and easy to judge.

Its not just thin people that judge heavier folk but vice versa. And why is that? Is it because we know the struggle and judge it more harshly? I don't know the answer but I struggle with this and do not judge others based on their weight.

One place I experienced feeling judged was both in my OB's office (post partum check up) where she told me I better lose some weight when I see her in December (that was back in March ugh, not motivating at all!) and when I was recently in the ER. I had a male nurse I just felt ignored by him all day. J said I wouldn't want the attention just because I was thin but actually I would at least in that case. I hate it when I feel like people only see my weight and not me.

I want to be seen as strong, healthy, fit and not instantly labeled 'heavy'. I don't want to be that overweight mom that my daughter is embarrassed of or the butt of her little friend's jokes.

I don't even want to be the 'hot' mom, I would like to be normal, average and me. That is all.