One year ago today

This time last year I was told I had an ovarian torsion by a dr. I had never met from my Ob/gyn office while in quite a bit of pain in the ER.

And I thought it was appendicitis. I was on South Beach and I remember thinking... maybe I am having a gall bladder attack or its my appendix. I was trying to lose weight and honestly, I had come home the night before from the lab and felt fine.

I made dinner and J was home late. By 8pm, I was feeling queasy and had pain on the right side. So off to the ER we went at 9:30pm. By 2am the ER doc was not convinced it was surgical and didn't want to do a CT scan because he knew I was trying to get pregnant.

So home I went and laid in bed all night in agony. By the morning, I knew I was not going to get over this and could barely stand. Every bump on the way back to the ER was excruciating and it was the longest 30m ride of my life.

My mom was on vacation and out of cell range. So I called my sisters and dad who of course were worried.

J, was a rock. He was calm and patient and a good advocate in the ER. I just remember the pain getting worse and finally some pain meds coming my way.

Still when they send me off to CT I was scared. These thoughts went through my mind:

Could it be cancer? Appendix? Nothing?

What if I needed surgery? I've never had surgery before. I am scared of anesthesia!

I remember trying to convince my Dr. I could wait till morning or that I didn't need surgery.

But alas, off I went to the scary unknown of the OR. Dad and J were there with me until I went in. I said alot of prayers and just closed my eyes and prayed again that the anesthesia would work and I would be ok.

At that point, we thought it was a cyst or maybe my appendix, but no one said it could be my tube.....

When I came to, the first question I asked was "What's left" and then I found out it was my tube but I had my ovaries and they looked good and so did my uterus.

My surgery was held in the evening and I stayed over night and could not sleep. Terrified that this meant no kids in our future. I was groggy from the surgery and not really sure what the Dr. had said and J had my cell so I couldn't call him. I pretty much stayed up all night staring blankly at the TV and calling the nurse to help me pee.

What did I feel? Despair, sadness, confusion and a big WHY ME?!!!

I came home and was taken care of by my sisters and J. I healed but I was so sad for weeks after.

I had started the journey of trying to get pregnant and this just didn't fit in at all. I felt like I was tossed into a deep casm and that my dreams of motherhood were miles away.

Rationally, I knew women could concieve with one tube and that it could happen. But as the months ticked by and my cycles got longer, I started to lose hope.

However, I knew God was in this, He was reassuring me through this dark time. I didn't know how it would happen and definetly not when but I had faith.

Now that I am going to have a baby it still feels like a small miracle it happened given my lack of tube and possible PCOS dx.

I am greatful every day for the chance to become a mother. It has sensitized me to the struggle others have gone through and continue to go through to become a mom.

Getting pregnant in society seems to be viewed as an accident rather than a miracle. It is taken lightly. Even when it is clearly planned many still brush it off or take it for granted.

Not me.

Every pregnancy is a miracle and though I can't explain why some women that want children struggle, why some women that don't want them get pregnant and why miscarriages happen. I know that God always always always has a plan. Even if it doesn't make sense at the time. Hello? Why did I lose a tube while I was trying to get pregnant?

I still don't know, but maybe it was just meant to be that way, it brought J and I closer together. And maybe baby N was meant to be a September baby for a reason.

Regardless, it challenged my faith but this experience made me stronger and I am greatful.