Ever feel like it would be better NOT to know?

I know I am a biologist and by nature inquisitive, thats a given and I like the whole explanation even if its scary or bad news.

But today was a rollercoaster of emotions. I mentioned I had another u/s today and was not satisfied with the nurses' explanation of why I need to see a perinatologist. So I called back my Dr.'s office. Unfortunately my Dr. was out (surgeries are scheduled for Thursdays). Anyway another Dr. from my practice called me (didn't expect that at all) but she was wonderful.

She explained that at this point in the development of the baby they look for certain things in the heart other than it just beating. My two previous u/s could not clearly show the 'outflow tracts' which can in some cases be reversed. So since my Dr. couldn't be sure they were not I was going to need this u/s at another practice with a perinatologist.

So I cried a bit, tossed and turned last night but took solace in two things 1. God is in control and we were miracles at birth so I know anything is possible! 2. This heart defect is fixable *phew*

I knew J couldn't really get out of work because this u/s was right in the middle of the day. So I would have to go alone. Sometimes going alone is easier for me, I find myself feeling more anxious and nervous with him there. Its not him at all, its because I can let my guard down a bit. Still I wasn't thrilled to go alone especially if she did have this defect.

My wonderful sisters and dear friend all offered to take time off and come (thanks ladies) but in the end I went it alone. I got there just in time... had to pee but figured I would hold it because it would help the u/s.

Then ten minutes went by and then another five and then five more. Finally I was ready to bust and baby girl was kicking all around. So I peed and waited some more. All the more nervous. I hate waiting in waiting rooms... so nerve wracking! Maybe its just me!

The technician came out and got me 40m into my wait in the waiting room. She was nice and explained each thing she was looking for. Relief and joy flooded my mind just seeing the baby on the screen and that little beating heart.

The tech was pressing pretty hard on my hip/pelvis and it really hurt (it was near one of my scars) owwww. She was running out of gel too. I didn't want to say anything, figured I needed to toughen up!

She finished up and sent the Dr. in. He did another scan, especially of the head and heart. He mentioned she was hiccupping (cute but I didn't feel it) and she was sitting Indian style so I could see her knees :)

But wouldn't you know it, he was pressing in the same area, wow owwwwww! But after a few more minutes he said 'she has a great looking heart' *phew*

He was quick and efficient not the most friendly but that was all I needed to hear. She doesn't have that defect and he didn't see anything else wrong!

So, in the end I guess I do want to know about these things if they are fixable. We chose not to get other testing that would tell of genetic defects because it would not change us wanting the baby.

So I can breath a sigh and enjoyed seeing her again today :)