Open letter to Rosie

This is for Rosie, the sweet golden girl that showed me how to love with all my heart and how loyal a dog can really be.

Dear Rosie,
I met you one spring afternoon when I went to visit J at his mom's while we were just starting to date.  You came over to me and instantly we connected. You put out your paw and we held hands all through dinner. Everyone trued to shoo you away from me to be polite but I didn't mind. You made me feel special, wanted and accepted and I looked forward to visiting because of you.

Visiting the future in-laws is nervewracking you know but knowing you would be there to break the ice and literally lend a paw broke the awkwardness as well as the silence.  Everyone commented on how you lit up when I came in, you'd jump, bark and your tail would wag wag wag.  Of course, I love Sophie (your sister the same) but you were so special to me.

Over the years, I have watched to you run, jump, play and enjoy life. You sure have a special mom that gives you the best, down to cooking chicken and rice for you for dinner even night. Lucky girl!

Your dad, J, and I got married and we adopted a golden retriever just like you. Heck, if I could've I would have adopted you!  But by some twist of fate, we adopted Ladybug who all can agree is just like you.  I was so nervous to adopt a dog, I never grew up with dogs and I was afraid. You showed me that I could love a dog. How they become like family, heck you are family.  You are loyal, loving and protective. You are a terrific companion and a source of comfort.

We love our Ladybug and now Liam and like you they have had health issues.  Man, those times are scary. We just want to know what is wrong and help heal you.  Its a helpless feeling and its gut wrenching.

Your mom has been saying that you have been not acting yourself.  Even at 12 years old, you still greet me and Isabel at the window when we come by wagon and Isabel would watch you through the window of the door as you played outside. Sometimes you'd bark to her, she'd squeal with glee.

We did keep Isabel and you and Sophie at a distance because we didn't want her to bother you. But I know you wouldn't have minded a pat or a squeeze.

Today, we came to visit you.  With heavy hearts because we know that your time on this earth is not going to be as long as we had hoped for.  You have a cancerous tumor and having trouble breathing.

To be honest, I wanted to visit you but I was nervous for the first time.  What if Isabel wasn't gentle or you didn't want to see us.

All that was relieved when I walked in the door.  You lifted your head like you had for J but then your tail just thump thump thumped like usual.

*relief* but a swell of sadness welled up in me.

'Its Rosie girl' I said as I always did.

For the last hour I sat with you, talked to you rubbed your side and stroked your nose. I felt the pads of your paws and the soft fur on your ears.  I told you were a brave girl, that I love you and that you should just rest.  You were calm and yet with me at the same time.

I didn't want to leave you but Isabel was getting tired so I am here thinking of you and hoping that you are still resting. It comforted me that you raised your sweet head again as if to say goodbye.

I don't want to say goodbye because even though you will go to heaven, I know I will see you again.

Its a comfort to know that but at the same time I know I will miss you terribly.  Some people can't understand how we can love our pets so much. To them I say you must not have a heart because these dogs are loyal, loving companions that are family.  If you can't understand it then you don't know the love of a pet.

Losing you reminds me how fragile life is and how much I love our Ladybug and Liam.  They both suffered a lot last summer with surgeries and Ladybug's cancer. They are young but its hard to contemplate them not being here with us.

I love you Rosie girl. You taught me to love without reservation and fear of getting too attached. You have been a loyal and faithful girl.  Be brave sweet girl and rest. I will see you again someday.

xoxoxoxo

God is good

Here is why,

He answers prayers.

We finally go to go to church this week. We are now attending the church where we were married and went before we moved. I had been putting off going to church because Isabel would likely only be good in the pew for max of 10 minutes and I was afraid she would freak out in the nursery.  But we mustered up the courage to go this week and decided to see how it would go.

She was like I predicted good in the pew for about 10 minutes. Complete with scribbling on the donation cards ha!

I took her down to the nursery and was greeted by two moms that were friends of mine growing up. It was quite reassuring. Isabel was ready to play but after leaving her there for another 10 minutes Isabel was crying for me. So I stayed with her in the nursery most of the time.

The sermon however, that I got to hear for five minutes was about how God wants us to have a relationship with Him.  That he is waiting for us to talk to him and open our hearts.

Its not that I don't know this deep down. On a day to day basis however, it is easy to just try to take over and be in control and forget that God is waiting for you to cast your cares on Him.

I needed to hear this, this week.

Good things are happening.

Its because of God.

I have been feeling really apprehensive about putting Isabel in a new school, how I will finish my dissertation and feeling sad about not having a big job to start now that I have my PhD.

Well, this week, I got offered a chance to teach another course and it will make me an adjunct which is perfect as I will still work part time but feel more like my career is being built up.  Isabel went to drop in daycare at her school and while she cried when J left, she did great  the rest of the time. Relief.

I have much to be thankful for.

I have a family I love dearly, I have a job and so does J.  Isabel is growing up and changing all the time.  Our dogs are healthy, Ladybug is doing really well (this is huge) and Liam's paw is healed. Yay for walks and family time.

I know that God has a plan in spite of me trying to get in there and 'do it myself'.  I am glad to be back to church and how God will work more in our lives everyday.

Radio flyer adventures

My mom noticed a few weeks ago that Isabel had a blast zipping around in a friends' wagon. I have given up on taking her for walks in her stroller because she would rather walk and or run.  It is generally no fun because about 2/3 of way into a walk she will get annoyed and want to get out.  We do not have a sidewalk nearby and it has bummed me out that I do not get to walk that much for exercise.

My mom bought Isabel a radio flyer. But not just any radio flyer, the cadillac version. It has folding seats, that have a removable seat cover, a waterproof fanny pack, cup holders for mom and baby, t-strap harnesses, an individual removable awnings on both sides.

She loves it, if she sees it in the driveway she automatically wants in and will not get out. She will ride anywhere and is content.

Thank you mom!

So I thought I would review our adventures so far:
1. Explored our neighborhood (I grew up nearby but never walked all the streets here)
2. Several trips to my In-laws
3. Downtown trip to Virgilio's with our dear friends including her BFF Lizzie
4. Visited the local strawberry festival
5. Walk on the boulevard, met many dogs and seagulls
6. Strawberry picking at a local farm
7. Several trips to the beach (mama will have buns of steal)

So many more placed to go but most of all, it has given us more freedom and chances to get out visit with friends.

Wherever we go, we get lots of comments on how this is such a special wagon and where did we get it?  Love it!

I have been quite protective of the wagon as mine and my sister's wagon was stolen out of our front yard when I was 4 years old. Not gonna happen!!

Embracing the new

This is week two of me staying home with Isabel.  I will be honest and say that last week was a bit of an adjustment to being back home all day, every day with my sweet girl.  She is developing into a very independent lovable, albeit opinionated toddler.  Several of the days it rained which made the days feel very long, however with the good weather and more fun activities including a trip to pick strawberries with friends and a visit to Maine, it is all turning around.  Most days I can't imagine spending a minute without her.

However, I feel like she is growing up and developing a sense of self and is less dependent on me. All good things.

So, I have decided to try some some new things this summer.

First, I am transitioning Isabel to sleeping in her room all night.  For now, she starts the night in her own room and we leave our door open (our rooms connect) and when she can't sleep she comes and snuggles with me.  Its a good compromise for now.

Second, I am embracing changing my food habits. I am tracking my food and eating lower carb. I am breaking out of the food rut.  I don't want to be that mom that finishes her kids' chicken nuggets or last sip of juice.  So I have embarked on a South Beachy approach that keeps me from doing that. It is so hard not to cheat but I am finding ways to make it enjoyable.

Today is a good example. I whipped up garlic and tomato shrimp with a salad while Isabel naps.  It made me feel special and decadent and it was ridiculously satisfying.

Lastly, I am going to embrace the moment. I have finished my dissertation and now I can really enjoy my days with Isabel. She doesn't nap 'on time' or stays up late or sleeps in? No problem. I can go with the flow more now.

Ah summer, I embrace you too!

Showing compassion

I try not to dwell on the tougher aspects of parenting, especially managing toddler behavior in a willful child, if I did I think it might consume me.  I try to accentuate the positive and remember that these days are flying by and to enjoy the ride.

Tonight was a perfect example of that. I was down on the floor playing with Isabel, she stood up and pulled her etcha-sketch toy off the couch and I saw it coming toward me but couldn't move fast enough to get away (isn't that the worst?!) Well it hit my ear. HARD. I felt like I was bleeding and my head hurt. I let out a shriek but tried to muffle it because I didn't want to scare Isabel.

J came over to check on me and I asked for a bag of frozen peas. The shock of the hit wore of quickly and in the mean time Isabel, had dropped to her knees. Knelt beside me and was peering over me saying 'ok mama'? She was genuinely concerned and rubbed my head as I said 'ouch'.

I told her 'mama is ok' and she took the bag of peas and put it to her ear. She got it and was so sweet about it. I know it was an accident and she didn't mean it but this empathetic and compassionate side just melted me.  In that moment all she cared about was her mama and making sure she was ok. How's that for  a 21 month old?!  This for me is what its about.  Watching her grow, develop and put two and two together.  She may be intense and strong willed at times but this other side of her, this loving, compassionate, caring and empathetic side is wonderful and outweighs anything else! Its the silver lining.

Even at lunch she made friends with two girls that were eating lunch one table away. The baby made eyes at Isabel and waved all through lunch which made Isabel shy. But, by the end of lunch their mom and I talked as the 3 year old ran around with Isabel as they played chase. Isabel even offered a hug to the little girl which melted both me and the other mom's hearts.

Isabel is such a special girl.  Even the notes I got from her teachers as she left her school noted that and it just makes all the tough parts about being her parent worth it.  Its hard work to parent but the most rewarding especially on occasions like today.