Doing the mom thing on my own for a weekend

J had to travel this weekend which is unusual for his work and harder for me since we moved in some ways because I am still getting used to the new house and all.

My mom and J's mom were great help this weekend but I am beat and want him to come back! It made me admire moms that do the singly mom thing. Its hard being their all even though most days J only sees her for a bit in the morning and evening it makes a huge difference.

I do feel like Isabel behaves differently when both of us are together than when its just me. She actually whines more when we are both home and I am doing stuff (like dishes) even though J is right there.

This weekend she was good, she let me do what I had to do. Played with my MIL and mom when they visited and went with the flow. I think she 'knew' that things were different. We have a routine and I just kept it the same for the weekend like I do during the days we are home during the week together. That really helped.

She definitely missed J, she stayed up late for me waiting and when he called as she was dropping off to sleep she jumped up and when I answered the phone she said 'hi dada'. He sang to her which riled her up but she dropped off right after.

They will need some daddy/daughter time when he gets home! Mama needs a little break too!

Saw this today and had to post it, because this is where I am at today!

#9 and #10 are so true

Note to self

Do not try to take a toddler out for an activity no matter how good she is being if its close to nap time.

Today, I experienced the most epic tantrum out of Isabel. I am almost embarrassed to admit it.

We went to the children's library where she could roam free and check out the surrounding and sit on the little wooden chairs, color with crayons and race up and down the rows of books.

Fun right?

She even got to walk the sidewalks holding my hand and everything!

I thought she was doing well as she took a rare mid morning nap.

However, it was clear she was tired and so I scooped her up and tried to get her out the door to sidewalk thinking that even if she protested going to the car the walk there would make up for it.

Wrong.

She would not hold my hand and want to run in the snow and basically do anything I didn't want her to do.

Sound like a toddler?

Yea, that's her and for the most part her independence and her will is what I love about her.

Today, it was just exhausting and frustrating for me. I ended up half carrying her to the car and strapping her squirminess into the car seat while she wailed.

We got home quickly (thank you, new close to everything home) and she was fine when we got home. I hugged her and tried to tell her I understood how frustrated she felt and that I think she is tired.

Soon enough she hugged me and smiled then pointed to the stairs and she was asleep in minutes.

So lesson learned, wait for trips out until after a nap.

*sigh*

I don't want this to mean every time we go out=tantrum.

I had this thought yesterday

"I want to go home"

Sad right?

I AM home. This is our home.

I should be grateful right?

I AM grateful, thankful and fortunate to say the least but it doesn't mean I don't still feel somewhat unsettled.

Its funny, just as Isabel craves routine because it helps her to know what to expect and avoids fear I am the same way.

Maybe its human nature but even though we can pretty much do what we have always done just in a new location AND with family (huge plus)

Its still weird.

Maybe its that I feel like a freakin' celebrity just to go grocery shopping. I mean that's exaggerating it but, I am from a town where everyone knows everyone and people don't leave after high school as the norm so when I am back in town I am sure to see at least someone I know.

Don't get me wrong its kind of nice to 'bump' into people but I guess I kind of liked being anonymous. I was able to shed my 'high school' persona and define the real me, NOT the one that I was back then.

I have grown up, changed and experienced life. Not that folks here have not but I don't want to feel cast in the shadow of how I used to be. Its not that I am ashamed or anything, I just changed like everyone does.

I think the other part of it is is that I moved in January. Even though we don't have a lot of snow, its too cold to enjoy a lot of what I love about this town. Especially with a toddler. Like the parks, beach and lots of walking places.

To make it better, my good friend met me at our N&B story time instead of going to the one we usually go to and hung out at the mall with me. It was nice, comfortable and familiar but in a new location.

I know I will make new friends and get re-aquainted with old ones and life will go on. For now, I am just mourning the loss of my 'old' life and I bet I will look back in 6 months and wonder why I ever felt this way at all.

At least I hope this will be the case!

We've moved

It was harder and easier that I thought it would be for me.

Obviously, the anticipation and the stress of packing was worse than the actual doing it. Isn't that usually how it goes?

On the move day, we kept everything routine for Isabel and sent her to school while I finished packing like a madwoman. The movers arrived at 7:55am and literally packed our entire house onto the truck in 2 hours.

They were in a word AMAZING! Movers are worth their weight in gold. So worth it!

About half way through the move, I went upstairs to see the empty rooms and see what was left. I went into Isabels' room and found her green infant paci on the floor (was behind the dresser). That's when I lost it. I cried huge fat tears and just ran my fingers over the wall decals and curtains. Seeing her empty room was the hardest. I just slumped down against the wall and cried. Until, my sweet pups and loving J came and comforted me. I have the best memories of preparing the room, J painting it like he was Picasso and though she didn't sleep a lot in that room it was special. I just didn't realize how hard it would be to let go and move on. But what I said to J and actually believe is that family is where we are not the four walls of a house. We will make new memories and be a family where ever we are right?

After J and the movers left, I cleaned and tied up loose ends at school and brought Isabel home from daycare. The drive gave me an idea of how the ride will be from now on since I have decided to keep Isabel in school 2 days a week until I graduate.

Honestly, the decision is what saved this move from being gut wrenching. I know funny right? Me, who agonized over daycare is going to extreme lengths to keep her at that school! What can I say? I like routine and consistency just like Isabel! Truly, it is helping me feel like not everything is changing for me and her.

I have moved enough to know that it helps to have something to look forward to, and you can dress any place up and make it feel like home when your stuff is in it.

Thankfully, the movers got everything into the new place quickly too and when Isabel and I arrived it looked kind of like home. J had set up the living room and our bedrooms and it looked down right cozy. This really helped too.

I kept Isabel in her normal routine and it was fun having my dad and J's mom just stop by for a little bit. Actually, that was awesome.

We sent Isabel to school this week so we could clean the house (thankfully we did this early in the week before the snow) and then unpacked.

Unpacking is way slower with a toddler, isn't anything with a toddler slower?

Anyway, today we closed. This was hard too. We faced the buyers for the first time and I can barely picture them in my house. Ugh. I loved our house and our neighbors. I could barely talk to them for fear tears would well up. Its been an emotional week. Even today before the closing we saw our neighbor because we came up and shoveled the driveway for the buyers just because it was the right thing to do and Allison just looked wistful and sad. I am good at keeping in touch but I loved having a neighbor who was also a great friend!

I can't say I didn't cry today because I did. I have been crying on and off all week. Honestly, I am a little surprised at how emotional I have felt. Even driving past the vet set me off.

I guess it is because I connected to my community and made friends and lived there for 5+ years. We settled there. Even though we didn't have family there I made friends there my family and put my trust in the vets and doctors that cared for all of us. My work life is still there to some degree and Isabel's school. We started our married life there and lived there together for the first time in our relationship. We brought Isabel home to that house. All this is big stuff. Lots of good and some not so good memories in that house.

I know as time goes on and we discover new things about our new location and enjoy our families it will feel better. I also think that we will feel less stressed financially (huge) and be able to find a better balance between work and home. I also won't miss the long drives to see family or J's long commute in bad weather.

All in all it will be good and the move was really smooth its just bittersweet. That is the best way to describe it!

She's home!

She's not out of the woods yet but she's home!

She was so happy to see me this morning when I picked her up complete with whining and jumping on me with two paws just like she did when we first adopted her.

Glad to have my girl back, she's in her spot snuggled up to me while I write today.

Feeling much better about life now that she is home.

Love my Ladybug! Oh, and Liam is so happy she is home too!

When the shoe is on the other foot

I have to admit that when I woke up to J puking this morning two thoughts crossed my mind, first was 'hope he's ok' followed quickly by 'haha' a little taste of what I went through two nights ago.

Quickly my thoughts faded and I jumped into action, I patted his back and held the bucket. Oh yea, I was in the trenches. I got him back to bed and offered to get him water. * I really should've been a nurse*

Even though it was 5:30 am Isabel was getting up so I got her up dressed and ready to go, complete with a shower for me and out the door by 8:15am for a pedi appointment. That's saying a lot given managing Isabel and doing anything for oneself is hard especially in the morning. She is a very busy toddler that demands attention (not always a bad thing) but makes mornings tough.

She did great at her pedi appointment, didn't cry during the shots (that's my strong girl, though she could've cried and I would've comforted her just the same). The toughest part was knowing that this was our last appointment with her pedi. The ONE that was in the delivery room, that held her helped her not breathe in meconium and walk us through her first year of life. She coached us, cheered and encouraged us all the way. I teared up when she bent down and looked right into Isabel's face and told her to be a good girl and have fun in MA and send lots of pictures because she is so special. *holding back tears now* gulp it was hard. I know I am not moving across the country but I don't think we can keep taking her here its an hour drive.

Back at home J was still in the throws of the dreaded bug Isabel and I had. As I sat there telling him about Isabels' appointment he stopped me and said he was sorry he wasn't nicer to me when I was sick because this was terrible. Ha!

I know deep down J has empathy. Loads of it actually. But I feel like he in recent years has let his 'suck it up Sally' attitude prevail just a bit too much. Going back in our "history", I remember vividly the 2 weeks he spent with me in FL nursing me back to health when I was so sick with a weird virus/strep infection that landed me in the hospital twice. It was awful for me and yet he was calm, patient, sweet and attentive. That's how I knew I could marry him. He could take care of me and genuinely loved me even when I was feeling my worst.

I think with having a baby and being responsible for her care at all times has shifted the focus away from ourselves so much that we just can't afford to be sick. Not even when I was so sick after my c/s, it was like the worst timing ever really. We've gone from 'babying' each other to 'just getting through it'.

With that said, being sick as a mom is different that being sick as a dad. I did get some down time but not as much as J and thats just how it goes. I have been joking I have two sick kids this week but its not too far from the truth!

Ah well, he knows its not exactly equal but we are a partnership and it balances out in the end.

*******

As far as Ladybug, she's still in the vet hospital. She's recovering but we are giving her an extra night of recovery. She has low WBC and platelets. Another night isn't going to change that but she needs to stay quiet and its hard to keep Liam and Ladybug from rough housing especially when they haven't seen each other for a bit.

I feel so much empathy for her in the hospital and feeling sick. It reminds me of last year. When I was home recuperating, Ladybug was by my side everyday. I knew she could tell I didn't feel well. She's such an intuitive girl. I hate she is going through this but I know she will come through it.

Happy New Year, welcome 2012

This year we actually had plans on New Years eve, we were planning on attending a friend's wedding and spend the night away from Isabel. Of course, I was nervous to leave her but my mom was going to have her and I trust my mom.

About mid-week we decided I wasn't going to go because Isabel was sick, it was kind of a relief because I wasn't sure I was ready to leave her and there were too many logistics involved like who would watch the dogs? What if it snowed? What if Isabel cried the whole time?

Then the stomach bug took me down.

HARD.

Like puking my guts out, chills and fever and the whole nine yards.

No wonder my little Isabel was so miserable this bug was miserable. Together Isabel and I felt pretty miserable together while J took care of us and the house. I think he appreciates what I do just a little more after these last few days of Mr. Mom. Unlike me, Isabel would bounce back for a while and play and play and then crash while I was just lucky to be up and on the couch.

He graciously decided to stay with us last night and not go to the wedding. I did feel guilty he was missing it, as it was most of his friends that would be there. But it meant so much he was there for me and Isabel because I really doubted I could do this by myself. Figures Isabel went to bed at 5:30pm.

Thankfully, we are all feeling better today. Except for Ladybug.

She was lethargic and not getting up to eat and drink.

She's on her last round of chemo and its 8 days out and if the chemo is going to hit her, its going to hit her hard today.

In my gut I felt like something wasn't right with her. So I called the e-vet and J took her in. I figured she would need some fluids and be sent back home.

They did blood work and turns out her WBC was super low, like 3000 is normal low after chemo and hers is 800. They felt she was susceptible to infection and needs IV antibiotics. So in addition to fluids she's getting antibiotics.

So, I thought she'd be gone maybe a couple of hours and now she's not going to be home until the morning.

My poor girl, I hate that she is going through this. She's such a loyal girl, loving and sweet. She's very gentle with Isabel. Isabel has been going over to her all day and hugging her face and neck. Maybe she could tell the poor girl wasn't feeling well?

So my sweet puppy girl is getting medications and being watched tonight. I am hoping that this is it the last hurdle for her. She just finished her last round of chemo and though this will not keep the cancer away forever, it will keep it at bay for years.

All I can say is cancer is the pits, whether its happening to your family member thats a human or a pet its just the worst.

So, this New Year is starting off with a bang and NOT the way I was planning on it to go but here we are. Looking back, we have had some really fun New year's parties and fun times in the last few years but times change I guess. With all thats going on, I wouldn't change it.

Because, I still have my God who is my rock. I have my J who is my best friend, I have my Isabel that is my joy and my fur kids that are family. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

We launch into 2012, its going to be a big year. Here's to 2012. Ready or not!