For the second time in two months, I was visited by Jehovah’s witnesses. At first I didn’t realize who this person was until he showed me a tract and started linking his faith to the end of times and eluded that our world was nearing the end of time. He even tried to get me going about evolution.
All while I was jouncing Isabel on my hip as she wailed and holding Liam and Ladybug’s collars at the door.
Now, I realize that this door to door business is part of their faith and just like evangelism is a part of my faith. However, anyone coming to my door, Jehovah’s witness or otherwise would not be what sells me on my faith. That’s just me I guess.
As a Christian, I struggle with many things but related to this are two main issues I have. First, should I have pulled out the doctrine I know and love related to Christianity to witness to these folk? Even if they wouldn’t likely be receptive, just as I was not receptive to what they were saying? Is that what I ‘should have’ done?
Secondly, I struggle with my own witness. I look at the extremes. On one end I could be a missionary witnessing to non-believers abroad or I could wear my faith on the ‘inside’. God calls us to shine like lights and not to hide our light under a rock. I totally agree.
Does He call all of us to be missionaries? No. But what does that mean for the rest of us? Do we do nothing and go about our lives? No. I think I fall into the middle where I openly share my faith (even with unbelievers) but I do not evangelize. I don’t feel super comfortable with getting into people’s faces about my faith. I guess its because I don’t think it would turn me on to any faith as I mentioned already. I think being a witness for Christ can take form in many ways. For me, its hopefully how I interact with others, speak in kindness and serve others. My passion for teaching and helping others learn is another way and keeping a pray list where I pray for others even if they don’t ask specifically for prayer. I hope that people can look at me and see Christ in my heart in my life. If not, I need to be more conscientious. To me, going to church doesn’t make anyone a Christian but it does help encourage me in my faith. It is so easy to get bogged down by the stress of life.
So, what happened that day? I accepted the tract and then ushered him away as Isabel’s wailing could not be jounced away.
But of course, they returned.
Yesterday.
What happened?
They were welcomed by a very loud bark by Ladybug and Liam and me with a groggy Isabel awoken from a nap and not happy about it I might add.
I was in a hurry to get her back down for a nap as she was sick. So I said hello and they tried to get me to talk about the tract they left for me to read and wanted to talk about the state of our society and that the tract would lead me back to my Christian Bible.
All I could say is that I wasn’t interested and I needed to go.
On the inside I felt like a coward. However, I felt like I wouldn’t even be able to challenge them with my faith as I was feeling hazy from sleep deprivation and a sick toddler.
Still, I feel like if this was a test of my faith, I FAILED. My solution was to pray for the folks I met that day and for strength and the ability to stand up for my faith at the next challenge. Felt like small potatoes compared to what I could have done but that is what I could do.
What would you say if someone stopped at your door and challenged your faith?
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
For Sale... ready or not?
Its no secret living on one income is practically impossible in this day and age. With much of the responsibility of paying for college, weddings, first home and all, its just not easy to make ends meet. Add extra years of college for grad school for both of us and it really adds up.
Of course other generations could say that our generation is an instant gratification generation with our credit cards, loans for practically everything and the ease of buying a home on a very small down payment. Yea, we are live now, pay later generation.
Is that ok?
No, not for me and that is something I have struggled with a lot as a Christian. I feel like I am called to live responsibily and not stock up on material things just to keep up with society.
Ok, enough of the soap box on my view on our generations’ overspending. I could go on and on.
But here I am.
Faced with a huge decision that J and I have prayerfully considered over the last several months.
We put our house on the market.
(insert sigh)
Here is the good:
•We have a chance to move back home and makes us mobile for job changes/transfers
•We will literally be living in the same neighborhood as my parents and J’s for now
•We will be very near other relatives including Isabel’s aunts and uncle
•We have several daycare/childcare options so I can work part time and afford it
•We will be able to reconnect with our home church
•J’s commute will be cut by a 3rd
•We might even get a date night once in a while!
•We can rekindle some friendships and make new ones including new mom’s groups etc.
Here is the not so good:
•Our house could be on the market for months or even a year
•We will have to keep the house in shape for showings (hard to do with a toddler)
•I will miss our neighbors dearly and the friends I have made here
•I don’t want to but will probably have to change Isabel’s pediatrician (huge sigh) and our vet (another huge sigh) and my ob/gynecologist (probably not a bad thing)
Those are the major pros and cons at this point. So why do I feel so torn?
Home Sweet HomeThis is where J and I started our life together as a married couple. We adopted our dogs, brought Isabel home to this house and have made it our home. Well, I think I feel like this more than J. More so lately, but J literally just sleeps here during the week and we drive back and forth on the weekends a lot to see family so when can he enjoy it? We hardly entertain like we used to or spend time here on weekends. I, on the other hand spend a lot of time here, its near campus and stayed home with Isabel for a year. So maybe I feel a bit more attached?
Sure there are lots of times when I wished I lived closer to home, when we/I am sick, when J works late, when its winter, when its summer for that matter and when it’s the holidays….. so hmmmm when do I like living here?
Well, I love our house, the yard, my garden, my neighborhood.
I wished and have tried to be more involved in the community but where I am almost done at school, my friends are dwindling and moving too. Our involvement at church has changed too since having Isabel and its tough to stay connected.
Still, when the realtor nailed the sign into our yard yesterday, I felt a pang of sadness. Maybe it was because it was a beautiful fall day (I love summery fall days here its my favorite time of year). And maybe its because now the real work begins with putting it on the market. Either way it felt BIG. SAD and bittersweet.
J and I spend a long time coming to this decision and you know how at first its exciting but then you actually have to follow through and that’s the hard part? Well,when J and I finally agreed it was time to do this, we were just coming back from our vacation and both feeling overwhelmed by our house, my lack of job prospects, Isabel in daycare and just the stress of making this all work long term. My PTSD is another big factor, its still a big part of my life and it affects everything including working and sleeping and all that. So, we had some perspective having been away.
Now, we are in the trenches and its hard to see the end goal that we were so excited about it.
I do know that in a year or so I will look back and wonder why I worried so much and feel like we made a great decision and God blessed it. In the mean time I feel torn and am searching and praying for some reassurance as we go through it.
Here is what I do know, our home is where J and Isabel are (and Ladybug and Liam).
Of course other generations could say that our generation is an instant gratification generation with our credit cards, loans for practically everything and the ease of buying a home on a very small down payment. Yea, we are live now, pay later generation.
Is that ok?
No, not for me and that is something I have struggled with a lot as a Christian. I feel like I am called to live responsibily and not stock up on material things just to keep up with society.
Ok, enough of the soap box on my view on our generations’ overspending. I could go on and on.
But here I am.
Faced with a huge decision that J and I have prayerfully considered over the last several months.
We put our house on the market.
(insert sigh)
Here is the good:
•We have a chance to move back home and makes us mobile for job changes/transfers
•We will literally be living in the same neighborhood as my parents and J’s for now
•We will be very near other relatives including Isabel’s aunts and uncle
•We have several daycare/childcare options so I can work part time and afford it
•We will be able to reconnect with our home church
•J’s commute will be cut by a 3rd
•We might even get a date night once in a while!
•We can rekindle some friendships and make new ones including new mom’s groups etc.
Here is the not so good:
•Our house could be on the market for months or even a year
•We will have to keep the house in shape for showings (hard to do with a toddler)
•I will miss our neighbors dearly and the friends I have made here
•I don’t want to but will probably have to change Isabel’s pediatrician (huge sigh) and our vet (another huge sigh) and my ob/gynecologist (probably not a bad thing)
Those are the major pros and cons at this point. So why do I feel so torn?
Home Sweet HomeThis is where J and I started our life together as a married couple. We adopted our dogs, brought Isabel home to this house and have made it our home. Well, I think I feel like this more than J. More so lately, but J literally just sleeps here during the week and we drive back and forth on the weekends a lot to see family so when can he enjoy it? We hardly entertain like we used to or spend time here on weekends. I, on the other hand spend a lot of time here, its near campus and stayed home with Isabel for a year. So maybe I feel a bit more attached?
Sure there are lots of times when I wished I lived closer to home, when we/I am sick, when J works late, when its winter, when its summer for that matter and when it’s the holidays….. so hmmmm when do I like living here?
Well, I love our house, the yard, my garden, my neighborhood.
I wished and have tried to be more involved in the community but where I am almost done at school, my friends are dwindling and moving too. Our involvement at church has changed too since having Isabel and its tough to stay connected.
Still, when the realtor nailed the sign into our yard yesterday, I felt a pang of sadness. Maybe it was because it was a beautiful fall day (I love summery fall days here its my favorite time of year). And maybe its because now the real work begins with putting it on the market. Either way it felt BIG. SAD and bittersweet.
J and I spend a long time coming to this decision and you know how at first its exciting but then you actually have to follow through and that’s the hard part? Well,when J and I finally agreed it was time to do this, we were just coming back from our vacation and both feeling overwhelmed by our house, my lack of job prospects, Isabel in daycare and just the stress of making this all work long term. My PTSD is another big factor, its still a big part of my life and it affects everything including working and sleeping and all that. So, we had some perspective having been away.
Now, we are in the trenches and its hard to see the end goal that we were so excited about it.
I do know that in a year or so I will look back and wonder why I worried so much and feel like we made a great decision and God blessed it. In the mean time I feel torn and am searching and praying for some reassurance as we go through it.
Here is what I do know, our home is where J and Isabel are (and Ladybug and Liam).
Saturday, September 24, 2011
If you want an uninterupted shower
take it at 10:45pm at night...bliss= long steamy shower, time to shave my legs, put on lotion and (ready for this?) put on toe nail polish...*gasp* I know right?!
Ugh too bad its this late and I am just getting a minute for me but hey, I will take it. Afterall, back in the day I was getting ready to 'go out' for the night... Wow, I feel old!
Anyway, here are a few more truths I didn't learn until I became a mother....
1. Sleep deprivation isn't just for the newborn phase: In fact I had pregnancy induced insomnia at 20 weeks on and still haven't had a solid 8 hours yet! Ok, some moms do have this by the time there darling is a year old but not me...yet. I think I am perpetually sleep deprived to the point where if I get 'extra' sleep, I am dead tired for the next day. Typically, I hit two lows in my day, 9:30am and 2pm where I would love to nap...hmmmm a certain Miss Isabel used to nap then but is now going to 1 nap at around 11:30. Then, I rev back up after she goes down at 6:30pm and then can't get to sleep until 11pm!
2. After a baby your periods change:
Two caveats, I am not haven't been on hormonal birth control since getting pregnant and I am still nursing so this affects it. However, I am finding that since my cycle returned at 10 months post-partum (yea if you are counting that was like 19 months without a period!) Anyway, Aunt Flo returned with a vengence and I have had the heaviest ones of my life. Not awesome when you are chasing a toddler.
3. Bathroom time is precious and hardly ever private anymore
As you might imagine being home with Isabel means I can hardly steal away to the bathroom for long. If I do get a chance its when she is napping or in her high chair. I can't put her in her PNP or crib because she gets hysterical. So she sits on a towel in there with me or now toddles around with a toy or two. This also applies to showering that if I don't get one while J is still home, I either take her in with me which she doesn't love or let her stand by the side of the tub in her diaper watching but not getting in the tub (she doesn't like the stream of water in her face.
Oh the joys of motherhood!
Ugh too bad its this late and I am just getting a minute for me but hey, I will take it. Afterall, back in the day I was getting ready to 'go out' for the night... Wow, I feel old!
Anyway, here are a few more truths I didn't learn until I became a mother....
1. Sleep deprivation isn't just for the newborn phase: In fact I had pregnancy induced insomnia at 20 weeks on and still haven't had a solid 8 hours yet! Ok, some moms do have this by the time there darling is a year old but not me...yet. I think I am perpetually sleep deprived to the point where if I get 'extra' sleep, I am dead tired for the next day. Typically, I hit two lows in my day, 9:30am and 2pm where I would love to nap...hmmmm a certain Miss Isabel used to nap then but is now going to 1 nap at around 11:30. Then, I rev back up after she goes down at 6:30pm and then can't get to sleep until 11pm!
2. After a baby your periods change:
Two caveats, I am not haven't been on hormonal birth control since getting pregnant and I am still nursing so this affects it. However, I am finding that since my cycle returned at 10 months post-partum (yea if you are counting that was like 19 months without a period!) Anyway, Aunt Flo returned with a vengence and I have had the heaviest ones of my life. Not awesome when you are chasing a toddler.
3. Bathroom time is precious and hardly ever private anymore
As you might imagine being home with Isabel means I can hardly steal away to the bathroom for long. If I do get a chance its when she is napping or in her high chair. I can't put her in her PNP or crib because she gets hysterical. So she sits on a towel in there with me or now toddles around with a toy or two. This also applies to showering that if I don't get one while J is still home, I either take her in with me which she doesn't love or let her stand by the side of the tub in her diaper watching but not getting in the tub (she doesn't like the stream of water in her face.
Oh the joys of motherhood!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Its not that scary
I have been dreading the anniversary of this night for a long time. Why?
Tonight is the anniversary of the night that I was re-admitted back to the hospital with a c-section infection. I remember much of that day vividly. I remember the searing pain I felt in my incision at 5am when I woke up with on the couch after many hours of on and off being up with a crying baby. I remember my IL's coming over and my SIL helping me get changed, seeing blood and not thinking it was anything. I remember it was warm, humid and summery night and the brief joy I felt when I took a nice warm shower. However, a short time later, I remember the paralyzing fear I felt when I knew my incision was infected and waiting in the bathroom for J to call the Family Center. Ugh, it still feels like a terrible nightmare.
Tonight, I am snuggling with Liam and Ladybug is nearby. Rain is tapping on the window and I have a baby sleeping all snug for the last 3 hours. J is still at work. He would have been at work this time last year if I wasn't in the hospital as this is the end of quarter.
I thought the memories of this night would just haunt me and paralyze me tonight. But, they are not. It feels good to put it behind me. I am ok. I made it. I have an amazing baby girl, a husband that loves me and two very loyal pups.
I am so glad I am not lying on a gurney getting my blood cultures drawn. Man those hurt! Feels good to feel like me again, it feels like it took a long time to get her but here I am and I am happy dare I say.
I am hoping that the few more scary memory days that are coming up will not be as scary when I get to them. Does that make sense? I hope it does!
Tonight, even though I am home alone with my little one without J, I know that I am ok and that I can conquer these flashbacks because truly time heals all wounds!
Tonight is the anniversary of the night that I was re-admitted back to the hospital with a c-section infection. I remember much of that day vividly. I remember the searing pain I felt in my incision at 5am when I woke up with on the couch after many hours of on and off being up with a crying baby. I remember my IL's coming over and my SIL helping me get changed, seeing blood and not thinking it was anything. I remember it was warm, humid and summery night and the brief joy I felt when I took a nice warm shower. However, a short time later, I remember the paralyzing fear I felt when I knew my incision was infected and waiting in the bathroom for J to call the Family Center. Ugh, it still feels like a terrible nightmare.
Tonight, I am snuggling with Liam and Ladybug is nearby. Rain is tapping on the window and I have a baby sleeping all snug for the last 3 hours. J is still at work. He would have been at work this time last year if I wasn't in the hospital as this is the end of quarter.
I thought the memories of this night would just haunt me and paralyze me tonight. But, they are not. It feels good to put it behind me. I am ok. I made it. I have an amazing baby girl, a husband that loves me and two very loyal pups.
I am so glad I am not lying on a gurney getting my blood cultures drawn. Man those hurt! Feels good to feel like me again, it feels like it took a long time to get her but here I am and I am happy dare I say.
I am hoping that the few more scary memory days that are coming up will not be as scary when I get to them. Does that make sense? I hope it does!
Tonight, even though I am home alone with my little one without J, I know that I am ok and that I can conquer these flashbacks because truly time heals all wounds!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
35 by 35
Eeek...I know I know I am only 31 going on 32 but hey I can start the list now right?
1. Have another baby and give Isabel a sibling...yea that's not an obvious one :)
2. Lose 30lbs. and maintain it
3. Go on a family vacation to Disney world
4. Do a service project in my community
5. Become fluent in Spanish or Italian
6. Run a 5K
7. Sing Kaoroke at a bar
8. Grow a prize pumpkin
9. Join a church choir
10. Go ice skating on a pond
11. Create my own recipe
12. Give blood
13. Learn to make good pastry creme, pie crust and cake from scratch
14. Spend a night out with J in a hotel without the kiddo...
Ok... thats not 35 but I will keep adding to it!
1. Have another baby and give Isabel a sibling...yea that's not an obvious one :)
2. Lose 30lbs. and maintain it
3. Go on a family vacation to Disney world
4. Do a service project in my community
5. Become fluent in Spanish or Italian
6. Run a 5K
7. Sing Kaoroke at a bar
8. Grow a prize pumpkin
9. Join a church choir
10. Go ice skating on a pond
11. Create my own recipe
12. Give blood
13. Learn to make good pastry creme, pie crust and cake from scratch
14. Spend a night out with J in a hotel without the kiddo...
Ok... thats not 35 but I will keep adding to it!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Perfect day
Isabel's birthday was probably the best day of the year.
My hope for the day was to celebrate Isabel's life and the joy that she brings to all of us. I wanted everyone to feel comfortable and enjoy themselves but I could enjoy the day too.
This is what happened.
Sure leading up to it, I was running around picking up food, cleaning, decorating and baking. But it was worth it. I did as much as I could ahead of time and by Sunday morning we were in good shape. I am thankful for J's friends that came up for the party and really helped with the nitty gritty.
I will be honesty. I am not a party planner. I don't even like most parties i.e. showers but I really wanted to mark this day and make it feel special. And I actually felt excited about the day. I put the trauma and bad memories behind me and forced myself to embrace this day in a new way.
I think letting go of the pain and anguish was key to enjoying the day and focusing on Isabel instead of myself.
I was overwhelmed by the generosity of family and friends. Isabel is one lucky girl with a sweet little bike trike and a little chair with her name on it. She has a whole fall and winter wadrobe and some great books. I can tell that everyone there just loves this little girl so much it makes my heart swell with joy.
What I loved the most is watching Isabel enjoy her party. She proudly toddled around the party showing off to anyone who would watch her. She loves attention, she loves her new independence and didn't cry or fuss at all. I know it is because she can get places on her own and doesn't need to be held. She played with her baby friends but she loves the big kids too.
She was the energizer baby for 6 full hours until she crashed at 6pm.
Bliss is hardly a word I use often but its what I felt as I was able to sit and watch the day unfold. I got to mingle with friends and family and eat cake! I always seem to miss that part at the 8 other 1st birthday parties I have been to haha.
J and I felt like a family that day. We got to enjoy our home and our friends and family. It was a good day and a wonderful start to this new year.
I just love my little munchkin. She makes me so happy and gives me the greatest joy. My life has changed so much and I can't imagine life with out my little girl. She is the best and I am loving this phase of toddlerhood.
xoxo my Isabel
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Happy First Birthday Isabel
This has been a whirlwind year. Tonight, I sit here reminiscing about the days leading up to Isabel’s arrival. Liam is laying next to me on the couch just like he always does and Ladybug is snuggling with J. It was really warm the days leading up to her birth but this year if feels much more fall-like.
Its really hitting me all at once, not the trauma that I endured during her birth (though those memories still rattle around in my brain). Its just hitting me that I have a one year old. My little cuddly and snuggly baby is now a walking, babbling and sweet toddler. Yea, I said it, a TODDLER! She is so good at walking and she is Miss Independent.
Tonight, I spent time making you cupcakes and hanging crepe paper (yea, mama, loves crepe paper). In fact, it reminds me of my birthdays…tradition maybe?
So, I thought I would write a little letter to her to capture the milestone.
Dearest Isabel,
Happy Birthday pumpkin pie! We will celebrate your first birthday and make some memories and start some birthday traditions. We have been through so much this year and through it all, I am so happy to see you grow and thrive.
You are the best part of my life. You bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. You have such a spunky personality.
Recently you learned to walk, you are babbling and even say mama, dada and baba. You love your sippy cup even if you don’t love anything I put in it. You love to eat with your fingers and your favorite foods are cheese, noodles, mangoes, peaches and yogurt. You are in size 5W and you are wearing 12-18month clothes. You are getting teeth like all the time and keeping mama up at night. You still love sleeping with mama but you are napping on your own like a big girl. You also nurse and I have no idea when that will end but I am enjoying our snuggle time still.
You have grown more independent by going to ‘day school’. It sure was hard on both of us adjusting to it but I think you are liking it and that makes me so happy. I want you to know you are loved to the moon and back and yet I know school is good for you. I love our time together though. Our fun trips to the park, playground, the mall, even the grocery store is more fun with you.
I know I am supposed to teach you lots of things, and I know I am but you have taught me so much! You have taught me patience. I am not a patient person but you have taught me to put your needs in front of mine. Hey, so maybe I might need Depends because of all the times I held it while you slept in my arms or I drove home but you fell asleep so I drove to keep you sleeping. You taught me how to love from the tips of my toes. Your smile, even your cry makes my heart swell. Now that you can say mama, its just makes me love you even more. You have taught me to marvel at the little things. You are learning so fast and just watching you learn before my eyes is amazing. You never miss a beat, if its new you notice it! I love how I can figure out how you are feeling when you are tire you make an Oh’ing noise and when you are happy uou run around and squawk. Love it.
So tomorrow, we will enjoy a fun day celebrating you. All your family, baby friends and your mom and dad will be there. Its going to be a big day for you, special little one. I love you so much Isabel. You are the reason I get up in the morning and you give my life meaning. I can’t wait for this next year and all the adventures we will have. Happy Birthday sweet heart. I would go through all that I did to have you 10,000 more times! You are the best addition to my life.
Love you forever and always my sweet pumpkin pie!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Where were you on 9/11?
Yesterday, I had The Today Show on while we were getting ready and Isabel was playing. Of course, with 9/11's 10 year anniversary there were video montages and clips of that day that will live in infamy. I couldn't watch but I minute of it and tears were streaming down my face.
September 11, 2001 was the first time I personally witnessed a national tragedy. I know in other generations folks can say where they were on D-day, when JFK was assinnated or when the shuttle fell from the sky (I was around then but don't remember it).
I can clearly recall September 11th and it still gives me chills. I had gotten up early and went to the gym to workout and my roomie Nancy and I had planned 'room-mate bonding' morning, it was going to become our weekly ritual of breakfast together off-campus. We went to a local coffee shop around 8am and I remember the radio was playing in the background and waitress mentioned something about a plane crash into the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, hmm maybe a small jet crashed into the Boston WTC, hope everyone is ok. When we left we put the radio on WEII 1030am because I figured the regular FM stations weren't carrying this small event.
As Nancy and I drove the short distance back to campus we heard them narrate the situation and that's when we heard it was the NYC WTC and it was a passenger jet. I remember holding hands with Nancy as they said it was likely a terrorist attack. We were gripped with fear, and I remember praying for all involved. I remember the knot in my stomach and the panic I felt.
We rushed into our dorm when mostly everyone was sleeping and wake our roomates up and we flipped on the news just in time to witness the second plane crash. We stood there in shock and were glued to the TV as the rest of the events of the day unfolded. I tried to call family and friends but the cell phones weren't working.
I did talk to my mom who tried to keep me calm and she was reassuring me we were safe. I didn't feel safe. At all. I was terrified. Where was safe when planes could hit buildings and kill people? What if they flew a plane into the power plant?
Classes were cancelled, which gave us all more time to sit glued to the TV. By mid-afternoon I decided to walk the campus and find a spot to read and pray. It was so ironic that it was a perfectly beautiful, clear and sunny day. Perfect in everyway.
By later that afternoon I found myself standing in chapel, singing, praying and crying with friends. Here stories of friend's parents that were safe even after coming out the WTC. Planning to give blood or go there and help with the clean up.
By the evening, I looked up in the sky and saw only a few faint stars, no airplanes. It was eerily quiet because usually lots of planes take off and land nearby.
The days and weeks that passed after that felt surreal. It was hard not to watch the news expecting to hear worse news.
I remember feeling creeped out knowing the terrorists were in Boston the Sunday before. I was going to Park Street Church and took the train and subway in. I remember feeling weirded out that week for some reason. The following week at church, I mourned with our congregation as there were lives lost from church on those flights.
Even though its been 10 years and we have not had another attack of that magnitude. We are still at war. Our world is in turmoil. I feel as a nation we are gun-shy and that our sense of security is still shaken. At least I don't feel 'secure and safe'.
Tomorrow, we will mourn in our hearts for the lives lost on that day, remember personal stories and think just about how close some of us may have come to being on one of those planes or in one of those buildings. I know I still think about it every time I board a plane.
Tomorrow, though, we will celebrate a very dear friend's son's first birthday. We will find joy in the celebration of life. We will, at least I will hug my little one just alittle tighter tomorrow and hope she will NEVER witness a tragedy of this magnitude. I will however, help her to NEVER FORGET and be PROUD to be an American.
xo
September 11, 2001 was the first time I personally witnessed a national tragedy. I know in other generations folks can say where they were on D-day, when JFK was assinnated or when the shuttle fell from the sky (I was around then but don't remember it).
I can clearly recall September 11th and it still gives me chills. I had gotten up early and went to the gym to workout and my roomie Nancy and I had planned 'room-mate bonding' morning, it was going to become our weekly ritual of breakfast together off-campus. We went to a local coffee shop around 8am and I remember the radio was playing in the background and waitress mentioned something about a plane crash into the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, hmm maybe a small jet crashed into the Boston WTC, hope everyone is ok. When we left we put the radio on WEII 1030am because I figured the regular FM stations weren't carrying this small event.
As Nancy and I drove the short distance back to campus we heard them narrate the situation and that's when we heard it was the NYC WTC and it was a passenger jet. I remember holding hands with Nancy as they said it was likely a terrorist attack. We were gripped with fear, and I remember praying for all involved. I remember the knot in my stomach and the panic I felt.
We rushed into our dorm when mostly everyone was sleeping and wake our roomates up and we flipped on the news just in time to witness the second plane crash. We stood there in shock and were glued to the TV as the rest of the events of the day unfolded. I tried to call family and friends but the cell phones weren't working.
I did talk to my mom who tried to keep me calm and she was reassuring me we were safe. I didn't feel safe. At all. I was terrified. Where was safe when planes could hit buildings and kill people? What if they flew a plane into the power plant?
Classes were cancelled, which gave us all more time to sit glued to the TV. By mid-afternoon I decided to walk the campus and find a spot to read and pray. It was so ironic that it was a perfectly beautiful, clear and sunny day. Perfect in everyway.
By later that afternoon I found myself standing in chapel, singing, praying and crying with friends. Here stories of friend's parents that were safe even after coming out the WTC. Planning to give blood or go there and help with the clean up.
By the evening, I looked up in the sky and saw only a few faint stars, no airplanes. It was eerily quiet because usually lots of planes take off and land nearby.
The days and weeks that passed after that felt surreal. It was hard not to watch the news expecting to hear worse news.
I remember feeling creeped out knowing the terrorists were in Boston the Sunday before. I was going to Park Street Church and took the train and subway in. I remember feeling weirded out that week for some reason. The following week at church, I mourned with our congregation as there were lives lost from church on those flights.
Even though its been 10 years and we have not had another attack of that magnitude. We are still at war. Our world is in turmoil. I feel as a nation we are gun-shy and that our sense of security is still shaken. At least I don't feel 'secure and safe'.
Tomorrow, we will mourn in our hearts for the lives lost on that day, remember personal stories and think just about how close some of us may have come to being on one of those planes or in one of those buildings. I know I still think about it every time I board a plane.
Tomorrow, though, we will celebrate a very dear friend's son's first birthday. We will find joy in the celebration of life. We will, at least I will hug my little one just alittle tighter tomorrow and hope she will NEVER witness a tragedy of this magnitude. I will however, help her to NEVER FORGET and be PROUD to be an American.
xo
Friday, September 9, 2011
Proud Mama
This week I think I have alot to be proud of, well at least several things come to mind.
1. I was DREADING this week because I knew that working and daycare and just everything was going to be a haul and I am still trying to get into the swing of things like having lunches packed, clothes and work bags packed so the morning rush isn't so hectic. Well, I didn't get it all done ahead of time like I hoped but I did get it done. I think I managed things on my end pretty well despite being tired.
2. Isabel's two days at day care this week improved. Tuesday she didn't cry 'as much' and ate and drank (that's a huge milestone!) and Thursday when J dropped her off, she didn't go right into the arms of her teacher but crawled/walked around and played while J was there. I think it made a difference. Because even though she cried when he left, she did much better over all. When I came to pick her up I peeked in and didn't see her. I assumed one of the infant teachers had her.
When I walked in, I saw her sprawled across the lap of her teacher, passed out cold. AMAZING! I was so proud, I swear my heart was bursting. For a moment I marveled, 'that's my baby?!' They went on to say she hardly cried, played until she passed out and ate pretty well. Woot! I should have called ahead and let her nap! I plan to do that next week and work her up to a full day. I miss her like crazy at work but I know this is the only way I can accomplish getting my dissertation done.
3. Today, Isabel and I had a mommy and me day. We went to the mall, I picked out her Halloween costume, we ate in the food court and we played at the tot land. You know that place in the mall where they can climb and play?
Well, I figured she was not sleepy and dying to walk so I let her try it. She just raced around. Played with the 'big kids' and all the other parents kept asking how old she was and were surpised she wasn't one yet. She climbed up and down the little sea creatures and had a blast. She was proud as a peacock, but I was PROUDER!
I really have taken a step back am marveled at how she is growing into a little girl. Sure, she is needy and will always prefer her mama but she is ready to explore her world. I think most of my mom friends are sad to see them enter this stage but I am embracing it. I got my clingy/needy/nurse 24-7 take no substitute baby for almost a year and I cherised it...but I am ready to take the next step.
She is so happy and outgoing and FUN! I will take the non-napper (well she naps but not in a text book/ set your clock to her way), early riser if it means she is pretty much happy and rambuctious most of the time. I joke that when she naps for more than an hour or sleeps in I get nervous...but I do!
I am also a proud puppy mama. These pups have been through so much this year but they are just if not more loving and loyal as ever. Now that Isabel goes to bed and stays asleep, we get extra snuggle time and it *almost* feels like before Isabel arrived.
I have alot to be thankful and proud of and I am trying to point out the positive more often because everyone knows its ways easier to focus on the negative.
1. I was DREADING this week because I knew that working and daycare and just everything was going to be a haul and I am still trying to get into the swing of things like having lunches packed, clothes and work bags packed so the morning rush isn't so hectic. Well, I didn't get it all done ahead of time like I hoped but I did get it done. I think I managed things on my end pretty well despite being tired.
2. Isabel's two days at day care this week improved. Tuesday she didn't cry 'as much' and ate and drank (that's a huge milestone!) and Thursday when J dropped her off, she didn't go right into the arms of her teacher but crawled/walked around and played while J was there. I think it made a difference. Because even though she cried when he left, she did much better over all. When I came to pick her up I peeked in and didn't see her. I assumed one of the infant teachers had her.
When I walked in, I saw her sprawled across the lap of her teacher, passed out cold. AMAZING! I was so proud, I swear my heart was bursting. For a moment I marveled, 'that's my baby?!' They went on to say she hardly cried, played until she passed out and ate pretty well. Woot! I should have called ahead and let her nap! I plan to do that next week and work her up to a full day. I miss her like crazy at work but I know this is the only way I can accomplish getting my dissertation done.
3. Today, Isabel and I had a mommy and me day. We went to the mall, I picked out her Halloween costume, we ate in the food court and we played at the tot land. You know that place in the mall where they can climb and play?
Well, I figured she was not sleepy and dying to walk so I let her try it. She just raced around. Played with the 'big kids' and all the other parents kept asking how old she was and were surpised she wasn't one yet. She climbed up and down the little sea creatures and had a blast. She was proud as a peacock, but I was PROUDER!
I really have taken a step back am marveled at how she is growing into a little girl. Sure, she is needy and will always prefer her mama but she is ready to explore her world. I think most of my mom friends are sad to see them enter this stage but I am embracing it. I got my clingy/needy/nurse 24-7 take no substitute baby for almost a year and I cherised it...but I am ready to take the next step.
She is so happy and outgoing and FUN! I will take the non-napper (well she naps but not in a text book/ set your clock to her way), early riser if it means she is pretty much happy and rambuctious most of the time. I joke that when she naps for more than an hour or sleeps in I get nervous...but I do!
I am also a proud puppy mama. These pups have been through so much this year but they are just if not more loving and loyal as ever. Now that Isabel goes to bed and stays asleep, we get extra snuggle time and it *almost* feels like before Isabel arrived.
I have alot to be thankful and proud of and I am trying to point out the positive more often because everyone knows its ways easier to focus on the negative.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sweetest sight I ever saw
Well, maybe its one of the top ten of the sweetest.
Today, when I picked up Isabel she was standing on her little platform (as usual) by the window clutching my tanktop.
The one I wore last night and slept in. I didn't think it would work that having my shirt with my 'smell' on it would make a difference. It seems like it did.
I did a couple of things differently today. I sent her lovie, some breastmilk, some of her favorite snacks and my t-shirt.
J said the drop off was better, no koala bear cling, some crying and she settled pretty fast with her teachers. They said she didn't cry as much during the day, ate/drank a bit more and played peekaboo with her teachers.
It was such a relief that she did better today. I think she will get better and better at this and that makes me feel good.
I think it helps that she is over her ear infection and feels better.
I know she and I will get through this, each day is feeling more and more normal. I have to admit, I like the break and feel less stressed about finishing my dissertation because I am getting more chunks of time to complete it.
So, I am breathing a sigh of relief and am cautiously optimistic that we are going in the right direction. She is such a big girl!
Today, when I picked up Isabel she was standing on her little platform (as usual) by the window clutching my tanktop.
The one I wore last night and slept in. I didn't think it would work that having my shirt with my 'smell' on it would make a difference. It seems like it did.
I did a couple of things differently today. I sent her lovie, some breastmilk, some of her favorite snacks and my t-shirt.
J said the drop off was better, no koala bear cling, some crying and she settled pretty fast with her teachers. They said she didn't cry as much during the day, ate/drank a bit more and played peekaboo with her teachers.
It was such a relief that she did better today. I think she will get better and better at this and that makes me feel good.
I think it helps that she is over her ear infection and feels better.
I know she and I will get through this, each day is feeling more and more normal. I have to admit, I like the break and feel less stressed about finishing my dissertation because I am getting more chunks of time to complete it.
So, I am breathing a sigh of relief and am cautiously optimistic that we are going in the right direction. She is such a big girl!
Monday, September 5, 2011
And she walked
Today was the first day Isabel really starting walking, not just steps here and there. Last night she would string a few steps together and fall. Today, she walked from one side of the living room to the other.
Just like that.
Its amazing to watch her little mind learn how to move and put it all together.
The look on her face is priceless, she is so proud of herself and looks to us for approval.
Yes, I am a proud mama tonight.
There have been naysayers out there that say its all over now that she can walk but honestly, she has never seemed happier. Its fostering her independence and need to explore and I welcome it.
So HOORAY for Isabel, she walks..but still crawls faster!
*****************
On a side note, Isabel starts back to 'school' tomorrow. I am feeling absolute dread. I don't want her to hate it but I know its going to be rough. Oh cue the guilt as I sit here putting together a list of to-dos for tomorrow. Lunches for all of us are made, her bag is packed but I need to write her name in a couple of clothing items, her bag is packed and I am pulling my stuff together and iron clothes. Yea, its fun! Haha
Praying that our day goes well tomorrow, I am trusting God can help her adjust and watch over her while we aren't together. *sigh* Its so hard to let go.
I do think that Isabel would be even happier now that she can walk! Hope that helps...
Just like that.
Its amazing to watch her little mind learn how to move and put it all together.
The look on her face is priceless, she is so proud of herself and looks to us for approval.
Yes, I am a proud mama tonight.
There have been naysayers out there that say its all over now that she can walk but honestly, she has never seemed happier. Its fostering her independence and need to explore and I welcome it.
So HOORAY for Isabel, she walks..but still crawls faster!
*****************
On a side note, Isabel starts back to 'school' tomorrow. I am feeling absolute dread. I don't want her to hate it but I know its going to be rough. Oh cue the guilt as I sit here putting together a list of to-dos for tomorrow. Lunches for all of us are made, her bag is packed but I need to write her name in a couple of clothing items, her bag is packed and I am pulling my stuff together and iron clothes. Yea, its fun! Haha
Praying that our day goes well tomorrow, I am trusting God can help her adjust and watch over her while we aren't together. *sigh* Its so hard to let go.
I do think that Isabel would be even happier now that she can walk! Hope that helps...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Cherishing laughter, a gift from God
This week has felt especially challenging with Isabel having an ear infection, both of us starting school and Ladybug and Liam still healing.
Today, I feel reminded that God really does love us and He shows us through our ability to laugh.
Isabel loves to laugh and now she shares in laughter. Its infectious. She is taking steps and as she does she just laughs, giggles and smiles. Its the best. Actually, its hilarious to see someone so little literally run across the living room. She is just so proud of herself and I am too.
Tonight, I was giving Isabel a bath like I do every night (yes, she could skip it once in a while but lately, she's been messy at dinner and crawling in the grass. Anyway, I plunked her in the tub and let the water fill the big tub as she sat there. She giggled as the water came out of the faucet. She splashed around and crawled up and down the length of the tub. I was feeling especially hot and sticky from the muggy weather and didn't mind getting splashed. So, tonight I decided to splash really fast and we splashed each other. Each time I stopped splashing and started again it started a cascade of laughter that was infectious. I soaked in the moments with her in the tub and enjoyed it.
Earlier this week after a trying day J brought dinner home to help me out. Wouldn't you know J turned his back and Ladybug scarfed a beef teriyaki off his plate nearly whole. So, J took her to the e-vet just to be sure. I knew she's eated corn on the cob and other trash but I am sure she's never done this before. It wasn't a vet trip we wanted to make on top of everything else going on with our pups. But obviously, we would do anything for our furkids so we took her.
I was nervous, annoyed and tired and when J called to say how it went he actually made me laugh. Apparently, after x-rays and inducing vommitting, up came the stick with beef teriyaki still intact. J said, 'at least she won't get to enjoy that beef teriyaki'.....hahahahahaha! I just cracked up and we at least could laugh about it.
Honestly, laughter is keeping me from crying. Lately, it seems that its one thing after another and I feel like we could use a break. I keep reminding myself, God doesn't give us more than we can take but we are just at that breaking point. So, I will take the laughter where I can.
Isabel definetly brings the laughter and the joy, thankful for my beautiful and sweet baby girl. xoxoxoxoxo
Today, I feel reminded that God really does love us and He shows us through our ability to laugh.
Isabel loves to laugh and now she shares in laughter. Its infectious. She is taking steps and as she does she just laughs, giggles and smiles. Its the best. Actually, its hilarious to see someone so little literally run across the living room. She is just so proud of herself and I am too.
Tonight, I was giving Isabel a bath like I do every night (yes, she could skip it once in a while but lately, she's been messy at dinner and crawling in the grass. Anyway, I plunked her in the tub and let the water fill the big tub as she sat there. She giggled as the water came out of the faucet. She splashed around and crawled up and down the length of the tub. I was feeling especially hot and sticky from the muggy weather and didn't mind getting splashed. So, tonight I decided to splash really fast and we splashed each other. Each time I stopped splashing and started again it started a cascade of laughter that was infectious. I soaked in the moments with her in the tub and enjoyed it.
Earlier this week after a trying day J brought dinner home to help me out. Wouldn't you know J turned his back and Ladybug scarfed a beef teriyaki off his plate nearly whole. So, J took her to the e-vet just to be sure. I knew she's eated corn on the cob and other trash but I am sure she's never done this before. It wasn't a vet trip we wanted to make on top of everything else going on with our pups. But obviously, we would do anything for our furkids so we took her.
I was nervous, annoyed and tired and when J called to say how it went he actually made me laugh. Apparently, after x-rays and inducing vommitting, up came the stick with beef teriyaki still intact. J said, 'at least she won't get to enjoy that beef teriyaki'.....hahahahahaha! I just cracked up and we at least could laugh about it.
Honestly, laughter is keeping me from crying. Lately, it seems that its one thing after another and I feel like we could use a break. I keep reminding myself, God doesn't give us more than we can take but we are just at that breaking point. So, I will take the laughter where I can.
Isabel definetly brings the laughter and the joy, thankful for my beautiful and sweet baby girl. xoxoxoxoxo
Thursday, September 1, 2011
The first week of 'school'
Well, we made it...maybe it was by the skin of our teeth but we did it. Here is out it went
Tuesday morning:
Isabel- woke up extra early (of course) 5:30 am and so I had to rush to get ready and get her ready. She was sleepy but fought sleep the whole morning.
Me- I put her in the car seat and kissed her goodbye and she smiled and gave me a slobbery kiss back. J drove off with her and I stood in the driveway and sobbed. I didn't let myself get too hysterical because I knew I had to keep it together so I could work. The two pluses: It was a beautiful morning (its always harder for me to be sad on 'nice' days) and second I actually could get ready pretty quickly without Isabel and was on my way with little time to dwell.
Isabel- J said she snored the whole way to 'school' and he woke her and brought her in...she cried hysterically but after a few minutes they said she calmed down and J dropped her stuff off outside the classroom since she was OK
Me- I called 2h in and they said she had been crying on and off all morning...GAH. I knew it.
Isabel- I guess she stood by the window and watched the kids play outside and was distractable on and off.
Me- I left early and peeked in the window of her classroom and saw her standing up in the corner leaning on the window and it hit me: She is a big girl, a toddler almost. But she's MY girl. I was proud and in awe of her.
Isabel- When I came in she cried and once she was in my arms it was the happiest sweetest reunion with laughs and snuggles. The rest of the day was great!
Wednesday we had the day to ourselves and we had a fun morning and a playdate in the afternoon. Unfortunately, she's got an ear infection and the medicine made her projectile vommit in her carseat, yuck!
Today, she got up later and we did the same routine as Tuesday. She left and I didn't cry but was nervous about how day 2 would go. I was hopeful she would start to get the hang of it.
Isabel- Got to daycare after a nap in the car and when J handed her off she clung to him like a koala. That was the first time she ever did that to him. He said it melted his heart. She was hysterical. I guess she was like that on and off the whole time.
Me- I didn't call or email or anything. I needed to focus at work and I knew if I checked in I would be tempted to rush over and get her. So I came in and didn't see her in her classroom. She was with an infant teacher. She was stonefaced when she saw me. She was tired, in a different outfit and smelled of sunscreen. She was still huffing and sighning so I knew alot of crying happened. Once we were in the car she nursed and dropped off to sleep. Once on the way, I cried.
Am I torturing her? Will she ever get 'used to this'? Is she going to lose her trust in me?
Cue the mom guilt.
After she had napped she was herself and we ate lunch and did our normal stuff together, including playing with the dogs in the yard and a trip to Target.
Unfortunately, the medicine saga continues because I gave her a dose after dinner and she projectile vommitted in her high chair. Poor thing, she was scared and a mess so I stuck her in the sink and hosed her off before trudging upstairs for a real bath. As I write this I can just imagine my sisters cringing because they HATE throw up! Now that she eats solids, its pretty gross!
Anyway, I knew this was going to be hard because she's got to adjust to change and she's still learning that concept. Everyone says it will be good for both of us. Ugh I hate that, I know to some degree its true. At the same time, this part sucks and it would be so much easier if she liked it because then I would be fine with this. Its not that I LOVE having her need me every moment. I mean its sweet but tiring and demanding being the ONLY one that can soothe/satisfy her most of the time.
On the bright side, I was able to step back into work right where I left off. I even got a pat on the back and some encouragment from friends and co-workers. It felt nice and validating and at this point, thats really what I needed.
Tuesday morning:
Isabel- woke up extra early (of course) 5:30 am and so I had to rush to get ready and get her ready. She was sleepy but fought sleep the whole morning.
Me- I put her in the car seat and kissed her goodbye and she smiled and gave me a slobbery kiss back. J drove off with her and I stood in the driveway and sobbed. I didn't let myself get too hysterical because I knew I had to keep it together so I could work. The two pluses: It was a beautiful morning (its always harder for me to be sad on 'nice' days) and second I actually could get ready pretty quickly without Isabel and was on my way with little time to dwell.
Isabel- J said she snored the whole way to 'school' and he woke her and brought her in...she cried hysterically but after a few minutes they said she calmed down and J dropped her stuff off outside the classroom since she was OK
Me- I called 2h in and they said she had been crying on and off all morning...GAH. I knew it.
Isabel- I guess she stood by the window and watched the kids play outside and was distractable on and off.
Me- I left early and peeked in the window of her classroom and saw her standing up in the corner leaning on the window and it hit me: She is a big girl, a toddler almost. But she's MY girl. I was proud and in awe of her.
Isabel- When I came in she cried and once she was in my arms it was the happiest sweetest reunion with laughs and snuggles. The rest of the day was great!
Wednesday we had the day to ourselves and we had a fun morning and a playdate in the afternoon. Unfortunately, she's got an ear infection and the medicine made her projectile vommit in her carseat, yuck!
Today, she got up later and we did the same routine as Tuesday. She left and I didn't cry but was nervous about how day 2 would go. I was hopeful she would start to get the hang of it.
Isabel- Got to daycare after a nap in the car and when J handed her off she clung to him like a koala. That was the first time she ever did that to him. He said it melted his heart. She was hysterical. I guess she was like that on and off the whole time.
Me- I didn't call or email or anything. I needed to focus at work and I knew if I checked in I would be tempted to rush over and get her. So I came in and didn't see her in her classroom. She was with an infant teacher. She was stonefaced when she saw me. She was tired, in a different outfit and smelled of sunscreen. She was still huffing and sighning so I knew alot of crying happened. Once we were in the car she nursed and dropped off to sleep. Once on the way, I cried.
Am I torturing her? Will she ever get 'used to this'? Is she going to lose her trust in me?
Cue the mom guilt.
After she had napped she was herself and we ate lunch and did our normal stuff together, including playing with the dogs in the yard and a trip to Target.
Unfortunately, the medicine saga continues because I gave her a dose after dinner and she projectile vommitted in her high chair. Poor thing, she was scared and a mess so I stuck her in the sink and hosed her off before trudging upstairs for a real bath. As I write this I can just imagine my sisters cringing because they HATE throw up! Now that she eats solids, its pretty gross!
Anyway, I knew this was going to be hard because she's got to adjust to change and she's still learning that concept. Everyone says it will be good for both of us. Ugh I hate that, I know to some degree its true. At the same time, this part sucks and it would be so much easier if she liked it because then I would be fine with this. Its not that I LOVE having her need me every moment. I mean its sweet but tiring and demanding being the ONLY one that can soothe/satisfy her most of the time.
On the bright side, I was able to step back into work right where I left off. I even got a pat on the back and some encouragment from friends and co-workers. It felt nice and validating and at this point, thats really what I needed.
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