Growing more than vegetables

Transition to a new pediatrician

2012-02-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

It was bittersweet saying goodbye to the doctor that was in the operating room and delivered Isabel. Watched it all unfold and was a reassuring third party that we trusted a great deal.

I at least felt comforted that I could take her to the practice I went to from birth to 18 yo. Granted I was in the NICU and a preemie/triplet but still they were awesome and the dr.s that took care of me still practice there (they were just out of med school)

Today was our first visit and it was because she is sick, I suspected bronchiolitis (baby version of bronchitis) and a possible ear infection. I figured they would check her out and send her home with an Rx.

They have since moved the office and it was in a new bigger building with many more practitioners. She is seeing one of the pedi's that took care of me but not today. Even went into the room I was impressed. It had a 'sick' waiting room and 'healthy side' it was a beautiful facility.

Our old pedi was in a pretty old building and it was run of the mill despite having awesome pedis!

We have a quick intro and run down of her medical history and after meeting a few minutes we had a plan with the new pedi she wanted to get some blood, a chest x-ray and do a nebulizer treatment.

Um really? Seemed like over kill to me, especially because she had no ear infection after all.

She's had bronchiolitis 2x before and never had any of that.

She said she suspected pneumonia so it was important to rule it out.

It was just me and Isabel and never did I want DH to be there so bad. She was ok for the chest x-ray, I helped hold her. The finger prick was fine but she was hysterical while they filled the little capillary tube. The nebulizer was the worst! I had to hold her squirming, bucking hysterical (and strong) body for 10m while the nurse held the mask on. Her little body fought me hard despite being sick and her eyes were red from crying. I hated every moment and felt rushed like I didn't have time to explain to her what was going to happen. I think she would have been more cooperative if that was the case.

However, the treatment worked and she was breathing better right after. They sent me home with one (oh joy) and said to watch her and if her fever spikes it probably pneom and bring her back.

I was kind of traumatized during the whole apt because I wasn't expecting this invasive testing. However, in retrospect I am glad they were throughough. I am concerned that they do testing just because they have it available (unlike the previous practice).

Anyway, it was exhausting for both of us (I am getting whatever she has) and she went to bed at 5:30.

I guess I just needed to vent. All of these changes of medical providers is harder for me than I thought, I bonded with her old pedi and trusted the practice. I also miss some of the staff from my old PCP and even my OB (not the dr.s) but the support staff. I guess its all part of the transition.

Things I love about Isabel

2012-02-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

I am having sort of a rough morning and cried on the way to work after dropping her off because she buried her sweet little head into my shoulder and clung like a koala when I dropped her off today.

So, I thought I would do an ode to my 16 month old sweet girl:

1. I love how affectionate you are, giving hugs and kisses when I ask for them but also just because, you even purse your little lips!

2. You are amazingly fast and rambunctious which I love! You are quick on your feet and even the monkey business of climbing on the chairs and sofa though it worries me, is awesome to see you marvel at your new abilities

3. I love that you can kick a ball and call out 'kick' as you go.

4. I love all the words you can say now: mama (my have), dada, kitty, doggie, sit, up, down, yes, outside, slide, all done, hi_____kitty/mama/daddy, this, that and sometimes no ;) (lets keep it that way).

5. You have become more adventurous with eating, you now like mango chunks, couscous, cream cheese and clementines

6. You are so independent that you roam a little more than I would like sometimes but I love that you feel 'safe' and even do well with your aunt/uncles and grandparents without me (my big girl)

7. I don't dread car rides anymore because we can banter back and forth and you don't cry as much. It makes the long rides to school easier (most days)

8. I love looking at your picture on my desk at work because you are my inspiration for finishing my dissertation, mama is working hard little one but your daddy and I will give you the best life you could ever want. I want you to know that you are the light of my life, my joy and being your mom is the best job, I could ever want!

Love you my sweetie pie! I even called to check on you today after I left and they said you are painting, hmmm maybe we shall try that at home, if mama is brave enough ;)

Doing the mom thing on my own for a weekend

2012-01-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

J had to travel this weekend which is unusual for his work and harder for me since we moved in some ways because I am still getting used to the new house and all.

My mom and J's mom were great help this weekend but I am beat and want him to come back! It made me admire moms that do the singly mom thing. Its hard being their all even though most days J only sees her for a bit in the morning and evening it makes a huge difference.

I do feel like Isabel behaves differently when both of us are together than when its just me. She actually whines more when we are both home and I am doing stuff (like dishes) even though J is right there.

This weekend she was good, she let me do what I had to do. Played with my MIL and mom when they visited and went with the flow. I think she 'knew' that things were different. We have a routine and I just kept it the same for the weekend like I do during the days we are home during the week together. That really helped.

She definitely missed J, she stayed up late for me waiting and when he called as she was dropping off to sleep she jumped up and when I answered the phone she said 'hi dada'. He sang to her which riled her up but she dropped off right after.

They will need some daddy/daughter time when he gets home! Mama needs a little break too!

Saw this today and had to post it, because this is where I am at today!

#9 and #10 are so true

Note to self

2012-01-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

Do not try to take a toddler out for an activity no matter how good she is being if its close to nap time.

Today, I experienced the most epic tantrum out of Isabel. I am almost embarrassed to admit it.

We went to the children's library where she could roam free and check out the surrounding and sit on the little wooden chairs, color with crayons and race up and down the rows of books.

Fun right?

She even got to walk the sidewalks holding my hand and everything!

I thought she was doing well as she took a rare mid morning nap.

However, it was clear she was tired and so I scooped her up and tried to get her out the door to sidewalk thinking that even if she protested going to the car the walk there would make up for it.

Wrong.

She would not hold my hand and want to run in the snow and basically do anything I didn't want her to do.

Sound like a toddler?

Yea, that's her and for the most part her independence and her will is what I love about her.

Today, it was just exhausting and frustrating for me. I ended up half carrying her to the car and strapping her squirminess into the car seat while she wailed.

We got home quickly (thank you, new close to everything home) and she was fine when we got home. I hugged her and tried to tell her I understood how frustrated she felt and that I think she is tired.

Soon enough she hugged me and smiled then pointed to the stairs and she was asleep in minutes.

So lesson learned, wait for trips out until after a nap.

*sigh*

I don't want this to mean every time we go out=tantrum.

I had this thought yesterday

2012-01-18T17:10:00.001-08:00

"I want to go home"

Sad right?

I AM home. This is our home.

I should be grateful right?

I AM grateful, thankful and fortunate to say the least but it doesn't mean I don't still feel somewhat unsettled.

Its funny, just as Isabel craves routine because it helps her to know what to expect and avoids fear I am the same way.

Maybe its human nature but even though we can pretty much do what we have always done just in a new location AND with family (huge plus)

Its still weird.

Maybe its that I feel like a freakin' celebrity just to go grocery shopping. I mean that's exaggerating it but, I am from a town where everyone knows everyone and people don't leave after high school as the norm so when I am back in town I am sure to see at least someone I know.

Don't get me wrong its kind of nice to 'bump' into people but I guess I kind of liked being anonymous. I was able to shed my 'high school' persona and define the real me, NOT the one that I was back then.

I have grown up, changed and experienced life. Not that folks here have not but I don't want to feel cast in the shadow of how I used to be. Its not that I am ashamed or anything, I just changed like everyone does.

I think the other part of it is is that I moved in January. Even though we don't have a lot of snow, its too cold to enjoy a lot of what I love about this town. Especially with a toddler. Like the parks, beach and lots of walking places.

To make it better, my good friend met me at our N&B story time instead of going to the one we usually go to and hung out at the mall with me. It was nice, comfortable and familiar but in a new location.

I know I will make new friends and get re-aquainted with old ones and life will go on. For now, I am just mourning the loss of my 'old' life and I bet I will look back in 6 months and wonder why I ever felt this way at all.

At least I hope this will be the case!

We've moved

2012-01-13T17:23:00.001-08:00

It was harder and easier that I thought it would be for me.

Obviously, the anticipation and the stress of packing was worse than the actual doing it. Isn't that usually how it goes?

On the move day, we kept everything routine for Isabel and sent her to school while I finished packing like a madwoman. The movers arrived at 7:55am and literally packed our entire house onto the truck in 2 hours.

They were in a word AMAZING! Movers are worth their weight in gold. So worth it!

About half way through the move, I went upstairs to see the empty rooms and see what was left. I went into Isabels' room and found her green infant paci on the floor (was behind the dresser). That's when I lost it. I cried huge fat tears and just ran my fingers over the wall decals and curtains. Seeing her empty room was the hardest. I just slumped down against the wall and cried. Until, my sweet pups and loving J came and comforted me. I have the best memories of preparing the room, J painting it like he was Picasso and though she didn't sleep a lot in that room it was special. I just didn't realize how hard it would be to let go and move on. But what I said to J and actually believe is that family is where we are not the four walls of a house. We will make new memories and be a family where ever we are right?

After J and the movers left, I cleaned and tied up loose ends at school and brought Isabel home from daycare. The drive gave me an idea of how the ride will be from now on since I have decided to keep Isabel in school 2 days a week until I graduate.

Honestly, the decision is what saved this move from being gut wrenching. I know funny right? Me, who agonized over daycare is going to extreme lengths to keep her at that school! What can I say? I like routine and consistency just like Isabel! Truly, it is helping me feel like not everything is changing for me and her.

I have moved enough to know that it helps to have something to look forward to, and you can dress any place up and make it feel like home when your stuff is in it.

Thankfully, the movers got everything into the new place quickly too and when Isabel and I arrived it looked kind of like home. J had set up the living room and our bedrooms and it looked down right cozy. This really helped too.

I kept Isabel in her normal routine and it was fun having my dad and J's mom just stop by for a little bit. Actually, that was awesome.

We sent Isabel to school this week so we could clean the house (thankfully we did this early in the week before the snow) and then unpacked.

Unpacking is way slower with a toddler, isn't anything with a toddler slower?

Anyway, today we closed. This was hard too. We faced the buyers for the first time and I can barely picture them in my house. Ugh. I loved our house and our neighbors. I could barely talk to them for fear tears would well up. Its been an emotional week. Even today before the closing we saw our neighbor because we came up and shoveled the driveway for the buyers just because it was the right thing to do and Allison just looked wistful and sad. I am good at keeping in touch but I loved having a neighbor who was also a great friend!

I can't say I didn't cry today because I did. I have been crying on and off all week. Honestly, I am a little surprised at how emotional I have felt. Even driving past the vet set me off.

I guess it is because I connected to my community and made friends and lived there for 5+ years. We settled there. Even though we didn't have family there I made friends there my family and put my trust in the vets and doctors that cared for all of us. My work life is still there to some degree and Isabel's school. We started our married life there and lived there together for the first time in our relationship. We brought Isabel home to that house. All this is big stuff. Lots of good and some not so good memories in that house.

I know as time goes on and we discover new things about our new location and enjoy our families it will feel better. I also think that we will feel less stressed financially (huge) and be able to find a better balance between work and home. I also won't miss the long drives to see family or J's long commute in bad weather.

All in all it will be good and the move was really smooth its just bittersweet. That is the best way to describe it!

She's home!

2012-01-03T07:17:00.001-08:00

She's not out of the woods yet but she's home!

She was so happy to see me this morning when I picked her up complete with whining and jumping on me with two paws just like she did when we first adopted her.

Glad to have my girl back, she's in her spot snuggled up to me while I write today.

Feeling much better about life now that she is home.

Love my Ladybug! Oh, and Liam is so happy she is home too!

When the shoe is on the other foot

2012-01-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that when I woke up to J puking this morning two thoughts crossed my mind, first was 'hope he's ok' followed quickly by 'haha' a little taste of what I went through two nights ago.

Quickly my thoughts faded and I jumped into action, I patted his back and held the bucket. Oh yea, I was in the trenches. I got him back to bed and offered to get him water. * I really should've been a nurse*

Even though it was 5:30 am Isabel was getting up so I got her up dressed and ready to go, complete with a shower for me and out the door by 8:15am for a pedi appointment. That's saying a lot given managing Isabel and doing anything for oneself is hard especially in the morning. She is a very busy toddler that demands attention (not always a bad thing) but makes mornings tough.

She did great at her pedi appointment, didn't cry during the shots (that's my strong girl, though she could've cried and I would've comforted her just the same). The toughest part was knowing that this was our last appointment with her pedi. The ONE that was in the delivery room, that held her helped her not breathe in meconium and walk us through her first year of life. She coached us, cheered and encouraged us all the way. I teared up when she bent down and looked right into Isabel's face and told her to be a good girl and have fun in MA and send lots of pictures because she is so special. *holding back tears now* gulp it was hard. I know I am not moving across the country but I don't think we can keep taking her here its an hour drive.

Back at home J was still in the throws of the dreaded bug Isabel and I had. As I sat there telling him about Isabels' appointment he stopped me and said he was sorry he wasn't nicer to me when I was sick because this was terrible. Ha!

I know deep down J has empathy. Loads of it actually. But I feel like he in recent years has let his 'suck it up Sally' attitude prevail just a bit too much. Going back in our "history", I remember vividly the 2 weeks he spent with me in FL nursing me back to health when I was so sick with a weird virus/strep infection that landed me in the hospital twice. It was awful for me and yet he was calm, patient, sweet and attentive. That's how I knew I could marry him. He could take care of me and genuinely loved me even when I was feeling my worst.

I think with having a baby and being responsible for her care at all times has shifted the focus away from ourselves so much that we just can't afford to be sick. Not even when I was so sick after my c/s, it was like the worst timing ever really. We've gone from 'babying' each other to 'just getting through it'.

With that said, being sick as a mom is different that being sick as a dad. I did get some down time but not as much as J and thats just how it goes. I have been joking I have two sick kids this week but its not too far from the truth!

Ah well, he knows its not exactly equal but we are a partnership and it balances out in the end.

*******

As far as Ladybug, she's still in the vet hospital. She's recovering but we are giving her an extra night of recovery. She has low WBC and platelets. Another night isn't going to change that but she needs to stay quiet and its hard to keep Liam and Ladybug from rough housing especially when they haven't seen each other for a bit.

I feel so much empathy for her in the hospital and feeling sick. It reminds me of last year. When I was home recuperating, Ladybug was by my side everyday. I knew she could tell I didn't feel well. She's such an intuitive girl. I hate she is going through this but I know she will come through it.

Happy New Year, welcome 2012

2012-01-01T16:30:00.000-08:00

This year we actually had plans on New Years eve, we were planning on attending a friend's wedding and spend the night away from Isabel. Of course, I was nervous to leave her but my mom was going to have her and I trust my mom.

About mid-week we decided I wasn't going to go because Isabel was sick, it was kind of a relief because I wasn't sure I was ready to leave her and there were too many logistics involved like who would watch the dogs? What if it snowed? What if Isabel cried the whole time?

Then the stomach bug took me down.

HARD.

Like puking my guts out, chills and fever and the whole nine yards.

No wonder my little Isabel was so miserable this bug was miserable. Together Isabel and I felt pretty miserable together while J took care of us and the house. I think he appreciates what I do just a little more after these last few days of Mr. Mom. Unlike me, Isabel would bounce back for a while and play and play and then crash while I was just lucky to be up and on the couch.

He graciously decided to stay with us last night and not go to the wedding. I did feel guilty he was missing it, as it was most of his friends that would be there. But it meant so much he was there for me and Isabel because I really doubted I could do this by myself. Figures Isabel went to bed at 5:30pm.

Thankfully, we are all feeling better today. Except for Ladybug.

She was lethargic and not getting up to eat and drink.

She's on her last round of chemo and its 8 days out and if the chemo is going to hit her, its going to hit her hard today.

In my gut I felt like something wasn't right with her. So I called the e-vet and J took her in. I figured she would need some fluids and be sent back home.

They did blood work and turns out her WBC was super low, like 3000 is normal low after chemo and hers is 800. They felt she was susceptible to infection and needs IV antibiotics. So in addition to fluids she's getting antibiotics.

So, I thought she'd be gone maybe a couple of hours and now she's not going to be home until the morning.

My poor girl, I hate that she is going through this. She's such a loyal girl, loving and sweet. She's very gentle with Isabel. Isabel has been going over to her all day and hugging her face and neck. Maybe she could tell the poor girl wasn't feeling well?

So my sweet puppy girl is getting medications and being watched tonight. I am hoping that this is it the last hurdle for her. She just finished her last round of chemo and though this will not keep the cancer away forever, it will keep it at bay for years.

All I can say is cancer is the pits, whether its happening to your family member thats a human or a pet its just the worst.

So, this New Year is starting off with a bang and NOT the way I was planning on it to go but here we are. Looking back, we have had some really fun New year's parties and fun times in the last few years but times change I guess. With all thats going on, I wouldn't change it.

Because, I still have my God who is my rock. I have my J who is my best friend, I have my Isabel that is my joy and my fur kids that are family. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

We launch into 2012, its going to be a big year. Here's to 2012. Ready or not!

Pulling out the red recliner

2011-12-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

When I stayed with my grandparents after Isabel was born and I was recovering. I slept in my grandpa's recliner that her graciously gave me when I moved back into my house. It even traveled with me to my sister's house when I stayed with her before I moved back. Awesome!

It was so sweet and also comfortable and familiar. It was also a well made recliner (of course because my grandpa buys quality) For the first few months of Isabel's life I slept in that recliner often, it was easier for me than getting up off the bed due to my c/s incision. I nursed Isabel often in that chair and her pack and play was right next to it so it was a good set up.

The recliner resides in our bedroom and I have stopped using it very much as Isabel tends to nurse laying down in bed.

What it is used for now is for comfort rocking when Isabel is sick. If she has an upper respiratory infection and coughing a lot sleeping against me helps her. I don't sleep but she does and I don't mind snuggling with her and just resting.

Last night, we pulled out the recliner at 1:30. Isabel was sleeping next to me and I woke up to her coughing. She was actually vomitting all over me and her.

****Turn away if you are squeamish about puke**********

I picked her up and she woke up and kept puking as I rushed her to the bathroom.

J came in and ran a bath and we cleaned her up. She was so tired poor thing but she continued to vomit.

Two pj changes later and a phone call to my mom. I decided to try to lay her down with me. I was pretty freaked out that she puked in her sleep but vowed to stay awake and watch her. It didn't take long for her to start puking again while lying down.

I scooped her up and she slept against me until 5am. She would slide off my lap and puke into a towel standing up and then I would pick her back up and lay her against me.

For some reason I turned the TV on and flipped to NOVA. It had a really depressing show on the melting of the polar ice caps due to global warming. But next was Botany of Desire. Of course I love botanical documentaries so I was thankful for something to keep me going while she was up on and off between 1:30 and 5am.

She wanted to lay down at 5am and we slept until 7am. She was surprisingly ok today. She didn't eat much but she napped, played and even snacked a bit.

I hate it when she is sick, its stressful and hard to see her suffering. Ugh.

She doesn't have a fever and didn't vomit today. I am not sure what to make of this virus. Not sure how it is going to play out and hoping tonight is better.

Today, was a daycare day and even though I could use the time to work on my dissertation, I relished the time we had together today. She's my world and my joy and even on sickie days we made the best of it. Including a little neighborhood stroll!

Christmas moments

2011-12-26T16:44:00.000-08:00

With all the anticipation of the holidays, the rush to buy gifts and prepare for the celebrations its easy to get caught up and well stressed. This year there is a little more heaped on with the move and finishing my dissertation.

But somehow, we managed to get a tree, gift shop and visit ALL, thats right ALL of our relatives over three days.

Not gonna lie, going into Christmas eve, I had my doubts that it was going to go smoothly with all the driving and Isabel transitioning to one nap.

We ended up showing up late almost to every stop to accommodate Isabel and prevented an overtired toddler (aka disaster).

Was it relaxing for me? Not really but there were some moments of down time I did appreciate greatly!

Here are the moments I will savor:

Our Christmas tree

Watching Isabel marvel at our Christmas tree, it was small, sweet and perfect. Picked out by my mom and me and decorated humbly with her toys but every morning when I would turn it on she would exclaim "oooooh"

Opening gifts

Isabel opened mine and J's gifts' first. It was so fun to see her actually get into opening them. She had more fun opening packages than what was in them most of the time. I loved seeing her opening her stocking handed to her by great-grandpa. Sweet!

Adorable outfits

We went through 2 Christmas pjs and 3 Christmas dresses. It was fun to see her dressed up and looking like a doll. Seriously though, she could've worn anything and looked adorable! It did inspire me to dress up a bit more for the holidays and I have to say, I enjoyed it!

Precious moments with family

Watching her play peekaboo with my IL's on Christmas morning, playing bag on the head with Auntie Jackie, dragging her grandma, aunts and uncle up and down stairs in search of her fur cousins (hiding smartly under the beds) poor kitties! Watching her color with crayon and hit my sister's couch without even seeing my sis flinch (she must LOVE Isabel ;), watching her get fed dinner by her Auntie Jolene. I just love how she singles family members out and snuggles, hugs, plays chase or leads around the house. She is such a loving little girl and I am overjoyed!

Watching her dance

Isabel has rhythym. If you just say 'lets dance' she does, we clap and she bogies. Its the sweetest to watch and so fun its hard not to join in.

During all these visits I got a chance to sit back albeit briefly and take it all in. Isabel is transforming our Christmas gatherings. She brought so much joy to everyone she visited. Sure, I was tired but it was so fun to see everyone enjoying her and doing so much for her. Love Love Love, thats all I can say.

I look back to what I wrote about last year here and I knew it was best to stay home but it was lonely and not the same. This is the Christmas I was hoping for. Carrying on traditions, complete with stockings from my mom complete with clementines in it and new ones we are starting thanks to Isabel.

J and I are definitely stretched thin these last few weeks and we rush to pack and get through the holidays but he still found a way to make me feel special. He surprised me with a Kindle! It went over the budget we chose for gifts but it made me so happy! He really is a sweet guy!

Merry Christmas!

Its official

2011-12-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

We are moving 1.3.12.

There I said it.

Does it seem real now?

Nope.

I keep oscillating between adrenaline rushes of panic about how much I have to pack and the holidays and my dissertation and being so sentimental and sad about moving.

It is quite the combination.

Let me illustrate.

Today, I raced off to Isabel's well baby 15 mo check up, btw she is doing awesome! 32 inches and 27lbs! No shots because she had a low grade fever but overall she's awesome. We had to break it to her pedi we are moving.

She was so sad because she was there at the delivery and really there for us through all the mess. She got up at the end and hugged J and said she could still remember his face as he waited with her outside the OR waiting for my c-section and the joy and worry and excitement he felt that day. He got misty and so did I. She saw her birth from a totally different perspective than I did. It was sweet that she remembered it so well. She said she still keeps her birth announcement on her desk.

Then, I have to send Isabel to school so I can work and have a meeting with one of my advisors before everyone leaves for the holidays. Ugh. I feel like all I did was rush and rush.

On the way to pick up Isabel my mind is racing and working to prioritize what needs to be done and in what order.

I am at that point where I have passed tired and am running on adrenaline. Its like finals week x a million!

I know we will get through it and I have awesome family that have offered to help pack (thank you thank you thank you).

I just feel rushed and its too many transitions at once.

Random bits

2011-12-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

I have started like 80 million blog posts in my head this week but honestly, I am too tired to be coherent and so I will *borrow* the idea from my sister's blog and be random!

1. Through my sleep deprivation I have realized, I am able to function better than J does without a lot of sleep. But... I am not friendly. In fact, I am kind of snappy BUT I can still function, think clearly and make decisions. Good for taking care of baby, not great for the hubby! I am working on being nicer despite being sleep deprived. Sadly, its my new normal.dfdf

2. I hate scary movies or shows. They always find a way into my dreams. I have always hated them but since having PTSD it just makes it worse. Its funny, shows like, ER, Bones, Greys and Law and Order still bother me. I *know* these aren't supposed to be scary but they scare me!

3. I have a morning routine that I *need* to follow every morning. I get up with Isabel and make my coffee, toast or oatmeal, give her 1/2 of banana and drink my coffee. I need to eat and drink coffee before I can feel like myself. If I am feeling generous, I will make J breakfast too. I generally am not a chatty morning person. Isabel is changing this but pre-baby, J knew to stay out of my way. He used to make me breakfast but as grateful as I was, he made it slowly and I was so hungry I *may* not have seemed grateful!

4a. I have a messy car. I hate it. I am terrible about getting all the toys, cheerios, extra clothes, shoes, books and coffee cups out on a regular basis. I would like to do better but J kindly cleans my car at least once a month and I appreciate it. Sadly, it doesn't stay clean (which bugs him) but seriously, I can't help it. Maybe its because I grew up with a messy family car? hmmmmm.

4b.Part two of #4, I have a messy purse and diaper g. Ugh, I hate this too but clearly not enough to change it! I am very organized when it comes to my research. Hello, I am scientist but I am the total professor with the disorganized purse, car and desk! Ack. I need to work on that. However, when it comes to cleaning, I am good and keeping everything clean but I don't spend a lot of time cleaning if I can help it, I can live with *some* mess!

5. I don't forget anything if it pertains to my life (wish that worked for everything!). I am good with details, events, faces and context. I might forget your name after a while but I don't forget faces or how I know you. I remember what I ate on a place flying to Disney world when I was six years old, turkey sandwich with american cheese, chips and sprite (I got the whole can and felt so grown up!)

6. I have an obsession with coconut. Its funny because my mom didn't like coconut and I tend to not like things she didn't (side note, I am trying to expose Isabel to everything unbiased even if I don't like it) anyway, I heart coconut. Macaroons, coconut creme pie, cake, DD ice coconut coffee mmmm (ordered it my accidence once and was happily surprised). I even like almond joy and mounds! Hope J put something coconutty in my stocking!

7. Not lactose intolerant anymore. Like my sister Jolene, we both developed lactose intolerance in our adulthood. After having Isabel, its GONE! I mean, I can drink milk (not just in coffee) and ice cream, cheese and have no problem. Its amazing!!!

8. I keep Hallmark and the postal service in business. I love sending cards, especially Christmas cards. I love receiving them but I love sending them more, especially a card for no reason. Lately, my Christmas card list is getting a *bit* ridiculous its got almost 100 addresses on it ;)

9. I am terrible at keeping up with TV/movie series. I find a show I like but have the hardest time keeping up with it. Yes, I know DVR exists but we don't have it, sometimes I have time with On Demand.

10. After living with J for 5 years, I have learned that there are somethings that I do that are annoying to him but I never noticed I do. Like, when I wash my face, I leave water droplets on the sink, I tend to leave my PJ's behind the bathroom door, I have a bad habit of leaving my coffee mug on the window sill behind the couch (keeps it away from Isabel) and I leave my shoes in a pile by the kitchen door ha!

11. I like certain foods better when someone else makes them. Salads hands down taste better if someone else makes them. But other meals that are better if I don't make them are stir fries and anything mexican. I am a good baker though! ;)

Moving the saga continues.....

2011-12-13T07:04:00.001-08:00

Our house is now under agreement and we had the home inspection yesterday which seemed to go well and it looks like we will be moving right after the holidays (not my first choice but it'll do). I do not want to have to move before or right after the holidays but it seems better to just wait and do it once the holidays are over. Honestly, I am tired just thinking about it.

I was home for a the first few minutes of the home inspection and seeing the future buyer standing on my land, in my garden actually stung. Alright, tears welled up. This move is bittersweet. In my head, I know that once we move I will be able to see all the ways this move is right but I am going to miss our first little home, our friends, our vet and pedi and all the things that made it home for 5 1/2 years. Thats actually the longest I have lived in one place since high school!

Anyway, it got me thinking about the cascading effect the move is having on our lives and for a bit I have had some regretful thoughts, not REGRET but just some thoughts, what ifs actually.

What if I just stayed through the school year and TA'd in the spring to help pay for childcare so can write my dissertation and keep Isabel in school?

What if Isabel doesn't like being home with me all the time?

What if I she goes to my friend's for childcare a bit during the week and doesn't like it?

What if I can't finish my dissertation with her not going to daycare 3 days a week?

What if I don't find other moms to connect with once we move?

What if I don't like it once we move?

Ugh, I could go on but you get my gist. Change is hard sometimes, especially when not ALL of the change feels like good change. I will probably look back and read these what ifs later and laugh at myself. I hope I do. I hope that even though we are giving up our home and renting and I will be home with Isabel that all these plusses outweigh the sadness I feel about leaving.

I just didn't anticipate Isabel liking daycare, I almost cried when I talked to her teachers about leaving yesterday. It was such a hard won battle to get her used to daycare and hard for me to give her up and now just to move? Ugh.

I didn't think it would take me so long to right. Right there, you are probably saying 'duh, mama! Its not like when you didn't have a kid and had energy!"

Anyway, when I get down like this, I know prayer is the answer. I am just taking a leap and trusting that downsizing and will be better for our family and financially that in the end, I may not have it ALL but I will have what is most important.

Time with family.

Someone didn't like Santa

2011-12-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

Ha, she arched her back and tried to jump off his lap. I don't mind her not liking Santa, how can I blame her, Santa can be creepy! I never grew up believing in Santa so I am not anxious for Isabel to 'know' him either. It is more important to me that Isabel develops a relationship with our Lord and Savior instead of believing in Santa.

We overcame the Christmas party

2011-12-08T05:20:00.000-08:00

Isabel at J's work Christmas Party 2010 (left) and Isabel at J's work Christmas Party 2011 (right)

I can't say that when I woke up yesterday I didn't have a little dread.

It was 's company kid's Christmas party. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and social gatherings and so does Isabel but I was having flashbacks to last year's party that was pretty much torture for me.

Recap of last year:
Isabel was 2.5 mo old nursing, pooping, crying machine despite her sunny disposition with strangers and new places getting it and about was a chore and a lesson in driving mommy style with a screaming infant in the back. The party was fine, though she wouldn't let anyone but ME hold her she was pleasant. The car ride to and from was dreadful. She pretty much cried the.whole.way. for 1h and 15m each way with maybe a catnap each way.

This year we did a few things differently:
We had a busy day, story time at the library, photo shoot at Sears and only a cat nap during the day (not planned but it just happened). We played a lot and she was a trooper at the photo shoot (it took FOOOOORRRREEEEVVVEEER!)

By 2:30 she was dragging so I plunked her into her holiday dress (1 of 4 I might add) and seriously as soon as I hit the main drag (1 mi.) from our house she was out...cold. She slept the whole way there and didn't make a peep. It was HEAVEN. I hate it when she cries.

Of course, I had butterflies about the way back but I knew if I kept her busy at the party she would at least be tired on the way back.

At J's work she was a darling. We took her to see J's office and it cracked me up how all the employees (mostly men) popped up out of their cubes to see this little girl toddle down the halls and explore with her little plaid dress and red bolero shrug *proud mama*

At the party she was mesmerized by the Christmas tree and all the people. She even let other folks hold her (not Santa though). She chomped on chicken fingers and cheese with her little friend "A" (J's coworker has a daughter that is 3 days younger than Isabel).

I did a fair bit of walking with her because she didn't want to sit so we looped the cafeteria and the halls quite a bit. It was fine since I didn't know anyone besides J's co-worker and wife/daughter.

I noticed how different Isabel is from "A". "A" was content to sit in her mom's lap and be fed food or sat in another chair next to her. Isabel wanted to feed herself chicken fingers and if I sat her in her own seat she was either trying to stand up or pull the table clothe off. "A" sat the whole time almost while Isabel literally ran around (with me or J holding her hand).

I try not to feel down that it seems like my daughter is not well behaved. I pick my battles and know that what makes her happy (not to be contained) is fine and normal for toddlers. I am fine with her running around within reason and if she is with one of us and not tearing the place apart while I sit about drinking coffee and socializing (those days are LONG gone).

I like that Isabel is so active, it keeps me active and she is so outgoing. She makes everyone she sees smile and that makes me proud.

On the ride home she was pretty good, a little figedy and cried a bit but mostly if i sang to her or played Yo Gabba Gabba on Pandora she was good.

She was wiped when we got home, didn't really even sit down in her bath and so it was PJs and bed and off to dreamland.

After she had been in a bed and I caught my breath I reflected on the day. It was busy, I think it was fun and way more successful than last year's experience. I marveled at how much she changed in a a year and how I have gotten better at anticipating her needs and 'knowing' her.

I miss her once she is bed. On one hand I *need* down time on the other I wanted to be snuggling with her. Instead, J and I had an hr of down time and it was nice. I was relaxed and relieved and happy we went to the party, feeling accomplished that we overcame it!

Parenting, not for the faint of heart

2011-12-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

I had this thought last night as I *tried* to change the poopy diaper of a squirming toddler. Isabel 1: Mom 0. She managed to wriggle out of her diaper and there she was running around the room with a poopy naked bum. What does she decide to do?

Sit down. On the carpet.

Ewww.

I manage to wrangle her, wipe her bum and plop her into the tub that was filling in the next room. She wasn't happy at being carried (she'd rather walk) and most days I let her. However, the poopy bum episode mixed with a naked bum and the idea of walking through a cold corridor (increases the chance of peeing) I scooped her up and hastened the process.

She splashed in the tub, took turns throwing toys out of the tub and drinking the bath water with her stacking cup.

I started to think about how she is getting to the stage where I will need to make consistent effort to enforce rules and well, to be a parent in a way that I introduce boundaries and consequences.

Ugh. How did we get here so fast?

Its not that I don't parent now, I do.

Most of her 'discipline' is through re-direction (i.e. moving her away from the hot stove or from pulling the cats tail) and distraction (swapping my cell phone for a toy or singing while I put her in the car seat (i.e. seat of torture from Isabel's perspective(

Isabel has an excellent memory and loves her routines and that works in our favor most days. We can pretty much do the same things everyday and minimize tantrum-y meltdowns. Phew.

However, if I try to rush her it sometimes back fires.

Like this morning:
We all got up late ( I tried to get up earlier but every time I tried she stirred). Anyway, I had to make lunches, take a shower, feed her, change her diaper and clothes, pack the bags and get her in the car, all in 45m.

J does the dogs: feeds them, takes them to poop, showers, feeds Isabel and plays with her while I whirl around.

This morning, I was making good time on the preparations to leave. We headed out the door with minimal fuss. Until she started to squirm in my arms as I carried her to the car. I knew what that meant.

She wanted to walk/run up and down the driveway while the dogs poop. We do this every morning. Today, we just didn't have time and there were puddles every.where.

What happened?

She ran up and down the drive a few times and I tried 2x to put her in her car seat. Hysterics and back arching ensued so J took her for a longer walk up and down the street.

Not good enough.

So I let them play a bit more while I go in to finish up. I look outside a minute later and she is standing...STANDING in a puddle.

*really*?

Just what I didn't want to happen.

I rush out change her socks and sit her in the car. She's crying because she wants to play.

In my head I get her dismay. She's not getting its a school day and we need to go. She thinks, let's play mom and dad its a fun day.

I have to work harder at not being too strict when its just not worth it. Like why stick to a schedule if she isn't going with the flow sometimes?

Well, on 'school' days, I really need every minute to work so I feel pressure to get her out the door. I HATE that.

Finally, I was able to get her in her car seat after some snuggling and 'explaining' of what we were doing today.

She fought the car seat but I distracted her with a book and gave her a kiss. Off she went with J. *sigh. I hate the rush some days.I wonder if it will get easier when she can talk. I fear it will not and that she won't understand reason for a while so it will still be a battle. I love her little strong will, we knew she had it since the day she was born. Somedays, I wish it would calm a bit because these struggles are exhausting and I dread them!

But still in the end, I am mama and its my role to keep her in line and keep the wheels a turning' whether she likes it at the moment or not!

Shopping with a toddler

2011-12-04T19:02:00.000-08:00

Some would say why bother? She's too young to remember it.

However, this weekend my sister and I took Isabel shopping for Christmas presents. Its kind of an undertaking but it was worth it. She just loved walking around and exploring every.single.thing. Its becoming sort of a tradition, its our 2nd year doing it and I think its a tradition thats going to stick. Of course last year was challenging because Isabel was cluster feeding while we shopped!

We had a plan for keeping her busy and active (no strollers for this busy girl). The bummer about this shopping outlet is that we have to drive from plaza to plaza and you know how she hates the car seat!

Well, she did well. She loved walking the sidewalk and making friends with passersby.

I gotta say it makes me proud when people comment on how cute she is or make conversation with her. *proud mama alert*

It helps that she is very outgoing and as long as I don't stifle her (let her take her time 'browsing' anything at eye level) then we are good, no tantrums or fights.

Highlights of the day included, getting to sit on a ride (we didn't have quarters but she pretended to ride it anyway) and getting to meet two sweet golden retriever basset hounds. They seriously looked like Liam (head anyway on a basset body). Cute and hilarious at the same time. They were 6 mo old but so well behaved! Isabel stole the show though with her patting and wanting to kiss them. Love! Also, Starbucks was surprisingly fun!

My sister Jolene is a natural at being an auntie, she just follows suit with whatever we are doing. She holds her hand when we walk and looks right into her face and talks to her. Isabel loves it. I see their bond strengthening and it makes my heart swell.

We made a stop for lunch at Starbucks, I was thinking McDonalds would be a safer bet for Isabel but Jolene was confident Startbucks would work. I was pleasantly surprised. She had a high chair, happily ate raisins and 'chatted' up the other folks in the cafe. It was so fun to see Jolene sharing a favorite spot with Isabel. I just know she will keep doing this with her and Isabel will cherish and feel like a big girl. Just like I did when my aunties took me out and made me feel special.

I should say that each of her aunties so special to Isabel and I just love watching their relationships grow. Its amazing and heart warming and its just the best feelings in the world.

We made it more than 73 days

2011-12-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

We made it 5 years actually, we were married December 2nd, 2006. Take that Kim Kardashian! ;)

I will recap the day a bit.
I got J a card (socks per his request and he got me some too) and had a little cake made like the one we had on our wedding day. He had been gone all week so I was so glad to see him and greet him with a surprise. We ate cake for breakfast and Isabel had a bite but that's it!

We took her to gym babies and went out to lunch with my mom friends and their kids (H is a trooper). We spent time together while Isabel napped and then we had dinner that I made which was a version of what we ate on our wedding day. Chicken cordon blue, roasted potatoes and asparagus. Isabel was so sweet, she kept getting up and down out of our laps eating bites of our dinner but not our own haha!

We put Isabel to bed early because she was wining and tired. She didn't stay down so I laid down and so did J so we ended up going to bed at like 8pm.

Romantic huh?

I never thought that on my 5th anniversary I would be nursing a toddler to sleep and that we wouldn't be going out to eat celebrating our marriage. I guess there are many things I assumed or didn't envision about where our marriage would be when we got married on that day.

Going back to the day, I remember it all so clearly. I remember the nerves, the excitement and the way I felt about marrying J. It was simple. It felt right. There we stood in front of God, our friends and family pledging vows that meant forever.

I loved him. I felt God blessed our relationship and I felt that we had what it took to stand the test of time.

Did I fully realize the gravity of these vows? Yes in a theoretical sense. Would these vows be tested? Yup.

We have had our ups and downs as a couple:

Do we have issues? yes.
Quirks? yes.
Differences? yes.

BUT

We have laughter
We have common interests
We have ambitious goals
We love our families
We can make our own fun on a shoe string budget

How have our vows been tested?
Well, first I can say how they haven't been challenged, the love, honor and cherish rings true and the faithfulness too.

Its the 'till death do us part' that kind of threw us. I remember when J was learning how to infuse my IV (hard for him and it was stressful) I remember saying to the nurse " and this is the and death do us part clause right?' I wasn't making light of the vow but just trying to lighten up the mood during a very dark and tough time following Isabel's birth.

I would say that combined all the 'little' issues/tests we had were nothing, even all added up as the experience of Isabel's birth and her first year and how that tested our marriage's strength more than anything.

I am proud we made it, with some battle scars and a deeper understanding of ourselves and each others.

I would say this year 'redefined' us as a married couple. It hasn't been an easy year this 4th year of marriage. But I can honestly say what doesn't break us made us stronger.

Sure we love each other, maybe we don't show it in the typical ways (fancy dinners, flowers on Fridays or all day dates) but we do find ways in between diaper changes, dinner and day to day activities.

Just writing this post has made me pause and think about our marriage for a moment. I do find I get so wrapped up in Isabel (hard not to) but I know J is just as important to me. He is my other half, the one that lightens me up, champions me and accepts me for me.

My card to him went something like this: Thank you for loving me and getting to know every part of me and marrying me anyway. Its true. I am not the easiest person to live with but he loves me day in and day out.

We don't take our relationship for granted and yet it take effort and time (which sometimes we have precious little).

We made it this far and we are stronger for all we've been through.

So here is to 5 years, and 5 more and 5 more after that.....and on and on!

Mama love

2011-11-29T10:17:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at my desk at 1:15pm working on my dissertation but my mind is wandering.

I made the mistake of watching a couple of Flip videos of Isabel from the summer and it makes realize just how much I love this little girl.

Lately, I have been feeling like maybe we are one and done. Isabel is the light of my life and my joy. I know love doesn't divide it multiplies but I am in the phase with Isabel that I am loving every moment of.

Is that selfish?

Well, maybe. But for now, I think it is ok.

I know giving Isabel a sibling will be good for her in the long run. And I do want to have another baby someday.

But I think its ok not to be ready right now.

Um, hello? Look where I am at right now, in the midst of finishing my PhD., about to move, I have a busy toddler and I think my life isn't full?!

Well, I do have a full and fulfilling life.

I guess I feel a little pressured. Maybe its my own internal timeline. Maybe its the 'when is Isabel going to have a bro/sis?' comments I keep hearing.

I usually can tune it out but lately and now that its the holidays and family is together I am hearing it more.

I still think its a big deal that I am considering more kids after what I dealt with postpartum.

But the love of this child conquers it all for me. Its like a magic eraser that just wipes the pain and fear and agony away. Well. most of it.

Feelings and flashbacks still come back.

Like last week, I had to get my incision checked by my OB because I was having some pain. Just the thought of going to the office brought me to tears. Once I was there I was ok. I was mildly disappointed my OB didn't remember many of the details about what happened. Hello?! I know you see a lot of patients but I HAVE to have stood out. c'mon! I am ok right now (might have some adhesions) but my cycles are more normal post Isabel (better than before actually), I have lost 18lbs since March and I am feeling better in general. But NOT ready to have another baby good. I am still healing. Its these little reminders that sneak up on me and remind me.

And, its the love I feel for my precious daughter that gives me pause and makes me think hard about doing it again. Do I really want to put my life in jeopardy again?

Maybe that sounds dramatic. But I don't think so, childbearing is risky business.

So until I am ready *IF* I am ready someday I will focus on being healthy and cherishing Isabel.

I am excited to change my eating habits (thanks to my awesome sisters) and encouraged that I did lose weight! I am motivated to do more.

Not just for me but for my daughter.

I thought I would do a big Thankful Thanksgiving post and though I am thankful, I can some up Thanksgiving in a few sentences. We spent it with family (IL's) for the day but Isabel got to see all her grandparents in the span of two days. It was easy to just truck her around because we were all in the same town (encourages me that this move will be great in the long run).

We did have an unfortunate incident with Isabel over the holiday though. Isabel and J collided while he was vacuuming and she hit her head HARD on the floor. We both felt terrible. She was ok and after 5h waiting the ER she has a bruised and puffy face to show for it but really is fine. Ugh! I hated seeing her in pain and seeing her swollen face. Mama wanted to trade places for sure!

Mama loves her little one and nothing will change it, not time, not distance, not even another sibling! Isabel is loved by her mama and it will always be that way <3

Wordless Wednesday...well its a day early

2011-11-22T11:08:00.000-08:00

That's me on the left and Isabel on the right...similar NO?! ;)
Love her!

Capturing the little moments

2011-11-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

I miss Isabel the most after she has gone to bed, the house is quiet (well until she wakes up again, she is a frequent waker) but watching her peaceful little body resting and quiet I relish the moment.

Most days, she is a whirlwind, running around, making up little dances, babbling phrases and chasing after the dogs.

But there are sweet and tender moments too. Like this:

We were sitting on the floor in her room playing with a puzzle and she was eating Kix out of her snack cup. I reached over and picked one up of the floor that had dropped and ate it. A second later she turns to me and feeds me a Kix, one at a time. I give her one back, she opens up her mouth and it reminds me of the game "Hungry Hungry Hippo" (great game btw) and at the moment I start to laugh and so does she, and we go back and forth like a little game. In that moment I learned just how generous Isabel is.

Last night we took her to do an outlet mall and I let her walk down the sidewalk with me instead of using the stroller and she was as proud as a peacock. She held my hand and we walked by some women sitting on a park bench. She stopped, paused and waved at them, smiled and waved again until the women noticed. She did this for anyone we saw, she is such an outgoing and social girl, not mention a bit of a ham. I just love it, it made the women smile and it made me one proud mama.

This morning she was babbling mamamamamamama and I turned to her and pointed to myself and pointed to me and said mama and she smiled and said mama (emphatically), at least she knows I am her mama.

Today, we visited with my family and she was a so well behaved, even took a nap without me! I love sharing her with everyone that loves her so much but I relish the little moments where it just her and I the most.

Sacrifice

2011-11-15T05:25:00.000-08:00

So, I have been reflecting on what it means to sacrifice. Of course, we can look to Jesus Christ as an example of the ultimate sacrifice. Over the last few years I feel like I can say I have made several sacrifices and yet, I could sacrifice more. As a Christian I feel compelled and we are called to live a life pleasing to God and one of the ways is not to store up treasures on earth. Wow, that's hard when you look at our culture and our nation. I don't see myself as a materialistic person, however, I have made choices that do require sacrifice.

Just since we have been married (almost 5 years)a big one was me deciding to go for a PhD. It sounds all cool and exciting and maybe a little sexy to get a PhD. (it is the ultimate degree next to a MD, DD, VM etc.). It does NOT pay well. Like at.all. Well, I had a TA but that is just pennies compared the long hours and big responsibility.

During this time I sacrificed socializing with friends at bars and fancy dinners with J. I chose to buy the majority of my clothes from Target, Old Navy and sometimes Ann Taylor Loft. J and I have not been on an big travel vacation since our honeymoon. We don't buy big gifts for each other, spend tons on groceries, home furnishings etc.

BUT, I haven't sacrificed somethings (aka I want it all attitude), we purchased a home, adopted two dogs(along with lots of vet bills), purchased two new vehicles, and had a baby. We purchase new items for Isabel most of the time including clothes and gear and buy brand name diapers (they work the best for her). I also have a smartphone, a laptop and buy DD coffee a few times a week.

We do budget, we scrimp, we don't indulge in luxuries others do and YET we still have debt and are having trouble making ends meet.

Could we cut back more? Yes.

Will we? Yes

How?

We have started the ball rolling with selling our home. Once we do we will rent. It's hard to feel like we are going backwards from homeowners to renters but I like the freedom we will have and the ability to really make progress on becoming debt-free.

Yes, I said debt-free.

That's my goal.

There are other pros to moving like being near family but another huge one (which I put in both the sacrifice/not sacrifice category) and that is that I will be able to work just part time instead of full-time for now.

That is so important to me. I love being Isabel's mom and I am grateful that we can have a balance of her staying home and going to daycare.

Its a sacrifice (short-term) of my career so that I can stay home but at the same time its not a sacrifice to get the special opportunity to have more day to day time raising our daughter.

Other ways we have cut back are to buy mostly generic food items (exceptions would be for Isabel), I rarely buy clothes for me but if I do they are marked down or from Target/Walmart. J gave up his smartphone. We won't be buy Christmas/anniversary gifts for each other.

I am not mentioning all this to make myself seem better than anyone or to play the poor me card. I guess I am making choices that include sacrifice and though it feels hard sometimes (like when I walk the mall for fun with Isabel but don't buy anything) I think that the pros far exceed the cons.

I think its good to challenge ourselves to sacrifice. Even if we have money, does it mean we spend it on ourself? That's a toughie. Maybe its not the money but sacrificing other stuff like giving up time on the internet to spend more time with our family or making time for a phone call to Aunt Gertrude even if you know its going to last an hour and you will hear all about her latest medical ailments.

I don't know, I am just saying its worth a thought at least.

Since we started the ball rolling with the house, its been bittersweet and sure there are things I am not excited about with the move but isn't that what it means to sacrifice? Get a little uncomfortable for a while with a situation? Otherwise is it a sacrifice?

Probably not.

So, here we are. Ready to make some sacrificial decisions but embracing them knowing that in the end we will be able to provide Isabel with valuable time with family and a way for us to get out of debt.

Onward!

An extra hour of sleep

2011-11-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

This morning, J and Isabel left earlier than normal for work and school and I indulged in an extra hour of sleep. It was heaven. I seriously would pass up most other leisure activities (massages, pedicures, fine dining) for an extra hour of morning sleep. It doesn't matter how late or early I go to bed at night its the morning sleep that rejuvenates me.

So now I am on a roll, my dissertation is rocking, I have coffee in hand and its a beautiful Monday morning *gasp* I am in a good mood and its a Monday really?! Who would have thought.

On the way into work I was thinking about my little Isabel and how she is just growing and changing and comprehending so much more. I want to capture it. I try to catch her little conversations and Isabel-isms on the Flip or my iPhone but she gets distracted if she can see the camera.

So here is what she's been up to lately:
1. She has a little phrase she says that sounds like 'lodydoddydoddy' and if we say it to her she says it back
2. She says mama, dada, balloon, apple, hi and no
3. If I tell her to go see daddy, Ladybug or Liam she runs over to them and usually hugs them
4. She will pat the cat (or pull her tail depending on her mood) if I tell her to
5. She points to her high chair if she is hungry
6. She waves hi and bye when I say hi/bye
7. When she wakes up in the morning she says Baaaaaaaaaa and if we copy her it becomes a hilarious game
8. She loves to play follow the leader up and down our street and will follow my lead pretty well (good bye stroller ;(
9. She shares her food (even half chewed) with me Lovely! Sharing is caring right?
10. She 'reads' books to me and that just reminds me of my memories of doing that as a kid.

Just today my friend who sends her son to the same school/class as Isabel told me just asked her son a question and Isabel came right over and answered 'no' for him and then hugged her. Ha, who says she's not listening. I know that when she is walking away and I say c'mere she knows what I am saying and ignores it. ha! She cracks me up.

Its amazing how she is only just about 14 months and her little personality is so clearly shining through. I can't wait until we can have 'real' conversations. She is so bright, outgoing, perceptive, full of energy, curious, a monkey and just plain fun 99% of the time (proud mama talking). The tantrums are beginning to kick in like getting into the car seat or when I take something away like the remote control but thats another story!

Opening up old wounds

2011-11-13T17:15:00.000-08:00

This week I bumped into one of the nurses that cared for me during my long stay in the hospital. She happens to be associated with the nursing program here and her building is adjacent to mine (small world right?).

Anyway, we clicked right away and meet up as much as we can. She's only there 1 day a week and sometimes I bring Isabel to visit her (she really helped her learn to latch) so I am thankful to her.

She is expecting a little girl in the spring so its like the shoe is on the other foot. So that started the conversation about c/s and vbacs and all that. She has decided for now at least she will do a scheduled c/s.

I have always said I want to try a vbac if I can. Obviously, who wants to have to go through a c/s and infection. At the same time I know the risks and wouldn't want to jeopardize me or the baby (all hypothetical by the way).

Anyway, during our conversation she mentioned some stuff to me about the goings on behind the scenes while I was in the hospital. Its like a scary movie that you know you should look away from but can't help yourself when she tells me details like this.

1. She was in the delivery room and saw Isabel not cry or breathe at delivery (ugh I knew this but it made it scarier and more real having her say this)

2. She remembers my face during labor looking puffy, flushed, hot and the sweat on my brow (this all makes me sad, I tried so hard to deliver her even with a temp of 103)

After we went our separate ways that day, I literally walked back into my building wanting to cry. Not just a wimper or a tear but big fat crocodile tears and cry from the depth of my soul. Why?

Because as much as I have healed physically and emotionally, I am still a work in progress. This response tells me that. I also realized that I don't cry very much about anything anymore ( I used to be a crier). I think its because of Isabel. She is all encompassing and I don't get a lot of alone time to let down my guard.

Ugh.

I felt pretty crappy the rest of the day. As I walked to my car wanting to cry, I put on my iTunes and listened to some praise music. It centered and me and I said a quick prayer that I would be able to accept that I can't do anything about all that happened and that I would get through this. I started to feel better once I picked up Isabel.

Seeing her face light up when I walked into her classroom just took all my sadness away. She is my joy and all of what I went through was worth it to have her.

That said, I hate to still feel so raw about everything still. I thought it was getting better. Well, it is but things like this just bring it all back.

I hate more that there is an OB out there that I don't trust and makes poor decisions. It is slightly comforting that my nurse agrees but I feel mad that my life was put in jeopardy and that a year later I am still dealing with the consequences. I know that there is more to the story about how I got infected and what other steps were taken to correct it that I don't know about it.

It lead me to this conclusion

I want to have another child some day and I am hoping that my delivery is nothing like the first one and that I am still scared from what happened.

I appreciate having this terrific nurse friend but I hate that talking about it still brings me back sometimes.

How a day can change your perspective

2011-11-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I have it all planned out what I am going to say in my next blog and I *thought* I knew what I wanted to say but today changed all that.

I had planned to talk about our move and the misgivings I have been having about going through with it. Well, I am feeling ambivalent about it. Not gonna lie, I love our house. I will miss our house, our neighbors/hood, my vet, Isabel's pedi and my sense of independence (to put the cons in a nutshell).

Today the balance was tipped in the other direction and in the most unexpected way.

I went up to ME to visit my Grandparents (the ones that helped to take care of me when Isabel was first born and visited a lot when Isabel was an infant).

I have been seeing them less as its harder to travel 1h each way with a baby who sort of naps on a schedule etc. Plus she is in school and me in work 3 days.

Anyhoo, despite her crankiness this morning I forged ahead.

Best. Day. Ever.

I feel like God smiled on our visit and blessed it immensely.

What did we do? Nothing special.

Isabel napped half way there and woke up when we arrive (tired) but perked up right away. She ran all around their house exploring it on her own two feet (first visit while able to walk) . She remembered the ceiling fan and pointed up to it so Grampa ran it for her (she was mesmerized by it as a baby). She picked leaves off Gram's plant (naughty) and ate voraciously anything we would give her, especially honeydew melon from Grampa. Even a cheeto, Gram gave her.

Grandpa headed out for a Dr.'s apt and Isabel blew him kisses.

We took her outside for a walk. Today was 68 degrees out! Sunny and beautiful.

We just let Isabel run, no stroller, no sidewalk just freedom. It is a safe quiet cul-de-sac. Gram is a walker. Much of my time spent with my Gram has been spent walking, in the woods(looking for Indian pipes and Ladyslippers, at the lake, apple orchards, blueberry fields, looking for chickadees and burning off Thanksgiving dinner.

Today was no different.

Except instead of pushing Isabel in a stroller like we did a lot a year ago when I stayed with her, Isabel walked like a big girl.

Isabel has also discovered her shadow recently, so she had fun chasing it and chasing Grams. I caught little videos of the day and it warms my heart.

My perspective changed about moving in a big way today because it made me realize what is important.

Sure, I love our house and the house we are fortunate to move to, doesn't feel like ours. But you know what? I will get over it. Why? Because Isabel gets the chance of a lifetime. She will get to grow up down the street from her grandparents (both sides). How awesome is that? Well if you are me, well pretty awesome because that's what I got when I was a kid.

The sacrifice of moving and giving up some freedom is worth it. I cherish all my memories with my Nonna rolling meatballs on Sundays and walks with my Gram. It wasn't the big events and stuff like that that mattered it was the everyday routine stuff I got to have with them. Reading books, cooking, sledding, sleeping over all that.

I am so greatful to have lived close to all my grandparents and am very close to the ones still with us and I am 32.

I am NOT saying that if you grew up far from your grandparents its a bad thing, I am just grateful I did. I think its because I know what I would be missing and I don't want Isabel to miss it.

Today was bittersweet. My grandparents are strong and independent and amaze me at their age they have outlived mine and J's grandmothers. I want them to be with us forever. And as I feel the tears forming in my eyes. I know they won't be.

Ugh thats the crappy part about loving family so much. The thought of not having them is so sad. However, I am determined to cherish all the moments big and small with them. So today was awesome and I have the video to prove it!

So, we are leaping with two feet into this move and I excited to see how my parents and J's will rock Isabel's world. Teach her, be good role models and shape her.

It's worth it.

Here we go!

Pulling it together and getting some perspective

2011-11-08T04:54:00.001-08:00

I feel like I was pretty honest in my last post, I sometimes find myself editing myself in my posts but I am going to throw caution to the wind and say what I feel and so be it.

I hope it didn't sound like I was feeling sorry for myself, because I don't. Since I wrote that I got to thinking. I am not a superficial person and I am not going to let the fact that others judge me for my weight hold me back. Sure, I think twice when I get dressed in the morning and sometimes changes 3x but don't most women? Once I get out the door, I forget my weight and just am me. Of course in the back of my mind, I know I am being judged but at the same time I am not defined by my weight. I Thats the most important part right?

Certainly, I want to lose weight and get into better shape but I am not walking around as unhealthy person. I am working hard to accomplish many goals and though my weight is one of them its not the only one.

Currently I am:
1. An active mom to a busy toddler
2. Writing my dissertation for my PhD.
3. Loving wife to J (well, I try ;)
4. Preparing to move/pack
5. Mama to Ladybug and Liam, Chloe and Zoe (my fur kids)
6. Being healthy and making good food choices as yes ti can

So with that perspective, I am doing a lot and its hard to focus on any one of them solely but I am trying.

So onward!

Judged

2011-11-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I came across a blog post about being judged based on your weight.

Someone asked an open ended question to the effect of 'as a heavier person are you judged for your appearance?'

It sparked a litany of responses all to the effect of 'yes' being heavier equated to being judged. It might have been a stare, glance or eye roll. A comment by a waitress about unhealthy food ordered or lighter fair ordered and 'will that be enough'. Or they got comments from family members. Some had been teased all their life. Some had recently noticed the changes in people's attitudes toward them having gained weight recently (pregnancy).

One common sentiment among most of them (many were women) was that they didn't want to be overweight. Most of the women had gained during pregnancy and not lost it all.

I fall into the fluffier now than before category. I am carrying around 5lb+ from my pregnancy but honestly, I have gained 30lbs since my wedding 5 years ago. *gulp*

Sometimes I can't see where it has accumulated. Other days (i.e. a glance to the mirror in the bathroom and I *know*).

I have tried loving myself despite my weight. I have tried to accept it. It beats loathing which for me leads to more eating.

I guess I can say as a person that has never been skinny (thinner but not skinny) that being overweight isn't fun. I know I am judged. Sometimes it inadvertent but other times I feel like my weight holds me back.

How? Well I work in a male dominated environment and teaching in front of a classroom takes guts and it helps to be attractive (yea, sucks that I am admitting this).

I feel judged by other moms, my doctor, but most harshly by me.

I am my worst critic. Aren't we all?

In the last couple of years, I have been able to hide under the guise of pregnancy and breastfeeding but no more. I stayed home and secluded with no one to compare to and its time to break free.

Even if I am not ready to transform and lose 100lbs I am going to make small strides in the right direction.

I hate that we judge in the world and moreso that we are such a superficial nation. Ugh.

Not me, I know God created each one of us and that we are made in his likeness. I also believe our body is our temple and we are to be good to it.

There is the rub for me. I need to take care of my body and in my head I know this but sometimes food/circumstances take over.

I would say my weight is my biggest struggle and I hate that it is so obvious. I mean you can't tell if a person struggles with mental health issues etc but weight is obvious and easy to judge.

Its not just thin people that judge heavier folk but vice versa. And why is that? Is it because we know the struggle and judge it more harshly? I don't know the answer but I struggle with this and do not judge others based on their weight.

One place I experienced feeling judged was both in my OB's office (post partum check up) where she told me I better lose some weight when I see her in December (that was back in March ugh, not motivating at all!) and when I was recently in the ER. I had a male nurse I just felt ignored by him all day. J said I wouldn't want the attention just because I was thin but actually I would at least in that case. I hate it when I feel like people only see my weight and not me.

I want to be seen as strong, healthy, fit and not instantly labeled 'heavy'. I don't want to be that overweight mom that my daughter is embarrassed of or the butt of her little friend's jokes.

I don't even want to be the 'hot' mom, I would like to be normal, average and me. That is all.

Happy Halloween!

2011-11-02T17:28:00.001-07:00

Well we have power back hooray for that!

We did NOT however, have it for Halloween. Did that hinder us? Nope.

You know why? I have the BEST neighborhood EVER!

I picked Isabel up from school and rushed home to get her in costume (thankfully she cooperated) and was the cutest kitty I have ever seen! Biased?! No!

I snapped a few shots of her outside on the front steps as she tried to walk away from me ha! Nonetheless, I got some cute shots.

Despite not having power, our neighborhood ran their generators and lit Jack-o-lanterns. I took Isabel out in her umbrella stroller to tour the 'hood. Something I really wanted to do last year but was sick and staying with my sister so it couldn't happen. Looking back, I would have had a screaming baby at that time of night so it would have been fun anyway. Add doling out candy and keeping the dogs at bay and it would have been a drag.

I did not however, anticipate this year that I would be trick or treating without power with the ground covered in snow.

However, it was fun!

My neighbors LOVE Isabel and she is such a ham loving all the attenention.

Its funny how something as simple as trick or treating brings the neighbors together. I love it and will miss it.

Isabel does this thing now where if I am holding her and she wants to get going she just flaps her arm 'goodbye' to the people I am talking to and then tries to wriggle free.

She did some of that mixed with running down our street. It was cute but later on this will not be cute but rude. Thankfully a 13 mo old can get away with it!

J came home early with pizza and Isabel was very clingy to him. It was sweet and I love seeing them bond. I have felt sad that she has been such a mama's girl she hasn't gotten the full effect of all the love her daddy has for her. So am I happy to see this change!

We got like 6 trick or treaters instead of 60 like other years.

So here I am eating Halloween candy nom nom and working on my dissertation. Did I mention the rest of the candy is going to grad office tomorrow? Or that I worked out 2x this week?

Yea, having no water forced me to use my gym at school and *gasp* I liked it. I think I will go tomorrow on the way to work. Yea! Me time+ working out+ endorphins= happier me! Ya!

Peserverence in a power outage

2011-10-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

Well its all over the news that we go tricked into a Halloween weekend snowstorm. I at least did the dishes and laundry ahead of the storm anticipating a power outage. We have been through many outages in storms and I have learned from my mistakes. The only thing I wish I did this time was fill the bathtub.

When we lose power we also lose water. Ugh. Imagine not flushing the toilet or even washing your hands yuck. Its tough with a toddler aka sticky fingers!

When we went to bed Saturday night the storm had already dropped several inches when it only really started at 3pm. On a side note J spent the afternoon mowing and leaf blowing....yea he's a die hard!

When I woke up to a screaming baby at 1am it was pitch black and it was howling outside.

I had a moment of panic with Isabel. She was inconsolable, wouldn't nurse and was writhing around in pain. I was scared she was having a migraine like me. We called the nurses line because she was coughing, wheezing and snotty. THe nurse was great and recommended switching to motrin and it might be an ear infection.

She thankfully fell back asleep in my arms until morning when we took her in to see the pedi. I had mixed feelings about trekking out in the morning but I wanted to get her treated if that was what she had. So J, the trooper snow blew the driveway and dug us out.

Not that I like to be right but as soon as the pedi looked in her ear he confirmed what I already knew. It was an ear infection. Ugh. Sometimes I hate to be right ;)

Thankfully with Motrin and antibiotics she got more chipper and slept better during the day. My IL's came up to help get the battery back up the sump pump going again and played with her. She was actually quite charming. I am loving this age for Isabel. She is becoming more independent but showing more affection.

I have to say I am thankful we have a better generator this year that power some lights, the fridge and the furnace. So its warm but the not having the water stinks. Its almost cozy and then there's the no hand washing/bathing issue that makes it suck again.

Last night I had to wash Isabel with bottled water and it was chilly. I went to the UNH gym to workout and shower and I feel like a new person. I forgot how much I love working out (feels like the old me) and love to feel clean again.

I am hoping that we have power back when I get home today!

More than a headache

2011-10-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

When I woke up Thursday morning, I felt off. More than I had since the start of the stupid stomach bug. Isabel was fine, she had puked the day before but was alright Thursday but had to stay home because she puked the day before.

J kept saying he would stay home if I wasn't feeling well and as much as I wanted him to (as I lay in a heap on Isabel's bedroom floor as they played). I wanted to tough it out and let him get to work because he had already missed Monday because of this bug.

By 10am I knew something was wrong, my head was aching life I hadn't had caffeine so I drank coffee as she napped and then layed down with her..2h later we both woke up (so unusual for us to nap that long). I was feeling way worse, my head was pounding and I felt hot, achey and had chills. I called J like a billion times but he was in a meeting. I called my mom, my sister and my dad hoping someone would come and help me because I wasn't sure I would be able to make it till 7pm when J comes home.

Thankfully my sister gave me some moral support and then J called back and came home mid afternoon. I tried to nap it off and by 4pm I was feeling terrible. My dr. got me to go see Urgent Care at 6:30. I didn't feel great about going so late because thats Isabel's bed time but I didn't think I would be able to make it through the night.

After 5 m with the NP she was sending me to the ER for pain meds and fluids. I was dehydrated, nursing a sick kid and my temp was 101.7. Ugh, with trepidation I trudged over to the ER. I didn't want to go. Hospitals are scary to me now, I know to much. Especially at this ER.

I was prepared for a long wait with snacks and distractions for Isabel but thankfully they took me right in. J took over Isabel's care and played with her. After I was settled I tried to nurse her to sleep on my lap but she wouldn't stay still so J walked the corridors with her in the stroller.

They started an IV in my hand....ouch! I hate that! The morphine brought the pain from a 10 to a 5 but soon it was back up to a 10 but I was feeling woozy from the medicine and able to doze. J had taken Isabel for a ride in the car and she was sleeping so I was thankfully able to focus on me for a bit.

My head was pounding, throbbing with painful jabs through my head and eye pain. I had to cover my eyes with a wash clothe and just breathe. Talking hurt and even lying down was painful so I sat up and just wimpered. Pathetic huh?

After midnight they sent me home with pain meds and nausea meds. We filled the Rx and I went straight to bed. Unfortunately, the pain did not subside.

By Saturday, I was desperate. I called my mom at 7am and asked her to come watch Isabel while J and I went to the ER again. It was big of my mom to come up and change her plans to help me. It was big I was leaving my baby for the day, hoping she would nap etc. for my mom.

Thankfully, Isabel and my mom were awesome together. Mom kept texting me pix and I was so relieved.

At the ER they tried enough pain meds to tranquilize a horse but NOTHING helped. I was so frustrated that at one point I cried. The Dr. threw around the possibility it was viral meningitis and he could do a spinal tap. I was all set. He said the treatment would be pain control either way so even though for a split second I thought I should just suck it up and do it, I decided to go home.

At home the pain was the same and I exhausted. It was just so disheartening to have a headache...a migraine go on and on. It doesn't have any outward physical symptoms but it is down right debilitating.

I have had migraines before but not like this one and not for 5 days. I am so thankful J and my mom stepped up and cared for Isabel, because I literally could barely do anything but nurse her. It felt oddly familiar like when I was sick last year. It was not the same and I knew it but it brought back a lot of feelings.

I was however, in so much pain I didn't have a lot of time to dwell and that was for the best.

Monday, Isabel went to school and J to work and I just slept. I woke up with the pain gone around noon and it was miraculous. I wish I could say that I feel great. Honestly, I feel worn out. My arms feel like jelly and I feel woozy. My head feels like I went to a rock concert for 5 days. I just feel out of it. I am glad its over but its left me feeling lost. I don't get why this migraine lasted so long when the others went away in hours. I think it was part of the bug and that I was dehydrated. I need to drink more and I know that. Ugh.

It got me really thinking about my health and being there for Isabel. This experience was scary. Being sick isn't really an option when you have a little one. When I get sick it really knocks me out. I hate this. I also hate not being there for Isabel. I really want to do better taking care of myself because I need to be my best for Isabel and our little family. Ugh boo Migraines!! Don't come back!

When the stomach bug hits

2011-10-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

At midnight last night, I was woke up with hug stomach cramps and needed to go like NOW. TMI right? At that moment Isabel woke up crying so J comforted her and I rushed to the bathroom.

I could hear that Isabel was crying and starting to gag as she does sometimes. But then I heard puking so I came in and pick her up to comfort her. She sat on my lap and puked some more. I stripped her and J ran a bath. I threw her in the tub and took her out changed her and me and then of course she puked even more.

So I just jumped into the shower with her and cleaned us up and changed us again. I took her temperature and it was 101.5 so we sat in the rocker and she slept on me for a while. I laid her down with me and she slept for a while until I woke up a few hours later she was HOT like 103 hot.

I hate when she has fevers, she's so miserable.

J really blew me away during all this. He was so patient, sweet and even handled the puking pretty well! He just kept saying poor baby. And it was true.

You know when she is sick when she just clings to me and snuggles. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the snuggles but hate that she is sick. However, we made the best of it today. She and I stayed in our pjs and napped together while J worked from home and took care of us. We are actually a good team J and I ;)

I am thankful that Isabel doesn't get sick often with high fevers but when she does its just a bummer! I also am thankful for J being home. Because honestly, I feel pretty bad too and its hard to take care of a sickie when I am sick.

I am chocking this up to having a baby and we will all get sick sometimes but we are getting better at working as a team to take care of her.

Poor baby!

Mom's night out

2011-10-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Its 9:30pm and the raining is tapping on the windows, Liam is snuggled next to me and Ladybug is sleeping at my feet. J and Isabel are asleep and I feel like a big fat FAIL.

My wonderful neighbor hosted a party, ya know one of those show parties where you can buy stuff, this one was called '31' and it was purses, organizers, lunch bags etc.

I told J I was going to go...big step because it started at 7pm which was after Isabel's bedtime. Normally, for most kids they can go to sleep and stay asleep, but not my precious lil one.

So, I had reservations about going and J taking over.

At 6pm she conked out with me and we snuggled until 7pm when J got home. Even though it was raining and dreary all I had to do was walk one door down to my neighbors' house so even though I was nervous I went.

Her parties are always fun even if I usually only know one or two other people, she always makes me feel welcome and at ease.

It was freeing to go out and know J was home with Isabel who was already asleep and I felt like 'me' again, ya know the one that doesn't get into her PJs at 7pm and work on her dissertation from the couch 7 days a week. Yea, that 'me' that was a social butterfly, sang in choir, visited friends, went out to dinner...basically anything at night that occurred past 7pm!

Some would say its a choice I make to stay home at night with Isabel. Yes, it is. However, I am her mom and where else would I want to be most nights? I am not the kind of mom that would rather be out on a Saturday night with friends than home with my family. However, a night out once in a while would be nice or even an activity I enjoy.

I find myself wanting a little 'me' time... after a year of putting almost everything on hold, I am surprised and feeling a little guilty for feeling this way.

So there's the rub.

I love my daughter and our little family but now that I and Isabel have gained a little independence from each other I find myself wanting to get back into have a little bit of social life.

I know that's not wrong but now, how do I go about doing it?

Isabel has been going to bed earlier like between 6:30-7pm so I could get her to sleep and then go out in theory. The problem is that she wakes up on and off until I come to bed, we still bedshare at night. Some nights she sleeps straight through until dawn others she is up every hour until I go to bed.

Ugh.

I have tried delaying my response to put her back to sleep to see if she will do it herself and that rarely works. I have sent J in to do it and thats not working either. She wants mama and she wants to nurse.

Double Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, I love the time with her and I HATE CIO, it doesn't work for her.

So what do I do? I end up doing what works but thats not helping when I need to go out at night.

So back to tonight, how did it turn out?

I lasted 1h and 15m.

I left at 7:15pm and J called (he promised to try everything) and then call. I hear Isabel wailing in the background and a tired J telling me she's been crying for 10m straight.

So, I wait 5 more minutes and gather my stuff and come home. I can hear her crying before I get in the house and I find her pacing the floor and crying. Ugh...just like the first two weeks at daycare.

I pick her up, she's instantly soothed, we rock and she asleep in minutes.

A mother's touch is nothing to fool with.

I had planned to go back over to my neighbors' but I am just drained. I feel defeated. Like I have failed and I am sitting here beating myself up because I can't get away for an hour at night.

This has nothing to do with J's parenting skills. He loves her and did his best to soothe her, she just wanted her momma and no one else and I know that's hard on J.

So, where do I go from here? How do I fix this? I feel like I don't like any or my options. I know she is going through the transition of daycare, teething molars and nursing less which all make her sleep like crap. Is this the time to force her to wean from nursing to sleep? Do I put her in her own room and say tough cookies? Do I revisit CIO?

It never feels like the right time to make a big change. If I have learned anything about Isabel is she does things when she is ready and forcing her is a loosing battle. Obviously, when it comes to somethings Mom wins like diaper changes, taking medicine and taking naps but I let other stuff slide, its not worth the battles!

I feel like this has become a 'woe is me' post and it isn't intentional. I also feel a little selfish for complaining about not being able to leave her for 'me' time.

I guess I am just needing to vent because I feel like a little balance is needed in my life and I am questioning how to make that happen!

32

2011-10-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

That's how old I am today.

I had hoped that when I woke up this year would just have to be better than last year's birthday. The only GOOD thing about last year was that Isabel was a beautiful and perfect 2.5 week old.

I was not in great shape and spent the evening in the ER because my pik line clogged and the power went out and I had to have my wound vac changed in the ER. After only being home for one day after 2 weeks in the hospital. J and I were sleep deprived, stressed and exhausted.

So this year had to be better right?!

Well, over all it was. Isabel did wake up at 5am but I got her back down and she slept until 7:45am and so did we all...oooops this was a school/work day. So, we got a late start, not a biggie.

I had been putting off getting a glass sliver removed from my foot but knew I needed to stop ignorning it because it hurt to walk. So today, I had it removed because I knew it would be easier to go today than go with Isabel in tow.

So, it was kind of a horrendous experience. My dr. had to numb my foot with lidocaine and the needle felt like a pin being pushed through my foot. Ugh. And I had a c-section, the pain rivaled! Then she used the equivolant of a whole puncher to my foot and pulled the glass and my skin.

It killed and of course I had to walk all over campus all day. I will survive though ;)

Add to that that I forgot my lunch in the car and didn't get to eat until I picked up Isabel at 2:30 and I was off to a good start ;)

I thankfully stopped and DD and got pumpkin donut and coffee and enjoyed my morning treat.

J came home and was supposed to bring dinner but I wasn't even hungry so we just ate some birthday cake and left overs. He got me a box of chocolates and caramel apple, such a sweet surprise and he is taking me shopping for some new clothes this weekend. Sweet guy.

Unfortunately, he has been hacking and coughing all day, all week really and despite my pleas he wouldn't go to the Dr. until tomorrow.

It figures, he was coughing so hard tonight that he puked all over the floor. So here I am cleaning the floor and put him to bed and am enjoying my favorite show Chopped with the fur kids.

Hey, it doesn't have to be a fancy dinner to please this girl. Its another year and I am greatful to be here with a fantastic little girl, sweet puppies and a husband that loves me.

Here is to 32.

Thankful Tuesday

2011-10-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I am making an effort to be greatful and thankful. Sometimes its hard to do but being positive and accepting the situation I find myself in is often all that God asks of us.

So here goes:
1. We got 2 offers on the house after showing it 3x on Saturday...amazing!

2. Isabel loves 'school' *gasp* who knew? She naps well and doesn't cry at pick up/drop off

3. Visiting Gram and Gramp was short and sweet on Saturday but Isabel was the life of the party. She even held Grampy's hand as she walked to the car. Such a priceless moment. She lights up for them and they light up for her. Love!

4. I decided to crockpot dinner over night because I wouldn't be home in time to turn it off when it was ready. The house smells of pot roast, which I am sure is torturing the dogs ;) and all I have to do is reheat it!

5. I am making progress on my dissertation. I have been praying for this alot and walking around repeating to myself (in my head)...'I am going to kick this PhD.'s butt"

6. Isabel's jabbering with intonation is adorable and hilarious, I can't help but laugh and follow along, did I mention how much joy this little girl brings me!!

7. My birthday is this week and I am looking forward to birthday cake...I feel justified and I am close to reaching my daily 10,000 steps on my pedometer...

8. I am accepting that I enjoy a little bit of work and alot of Isabel i.e. working 3 6h days is better than I thought and I am NOT going to feel guilty for enjoying the balance

9. J brought home chocolate just for me last night yum!

10. We are going to the Topsfield fair as a family this weekened wheeeeee!

Passing the one year mark

2011-10-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

Nursing past 1 year

When breastfeeding was just an ideal in my mind that I dreamed about while pregnant or joked about long before she was born (didn’t want to lug these ‘girls’ around and not use ‘em) I would say. I somehow, magically thought that just like everything else about breastfeeding, it was natural so just like nursing would be easy, a baby would naturally just stop nursing at a year.

So, duh, breastfeeding was HARD at first, latching was a challenge, keeping up my supply, clusterfeedings, late night feedings, pumping, making sure she had enough all that was a challenge despite it being ‘natural’.

Thankfully, despite all that, I had a good experience with nursing. It never hurt to latch, I didn’t get mastitis and only got yeast 6 months in, not at the start like many moms. Oh, and I didn’t have to pump while working and my little one did latch well without nipple confusion.

However, no one ever told me that for some babies, nursing is not only nutritional but comforting. For my high needs precious babe, she nursed a lot. Way more than the every 3h and it was instantly calming, so why not if it stopped the wailing she would do? I mistakenly thought it was hunger and feared a low supply but if you look at her growth chart you can see she was at the 99% perectentile for a long time.

So, of course with the introduction of solids and with her becoming more active she doesn’t nurse as much. She’s cut back during the day and obviously doesn’t nurse at daycare.

However, her 1st birthday came and went and she is still nursing quite a bit. So many people have asked if she is all done and are surprised when I say no.

I know for some babies its like a light switch. One day they want to nurse, the next day they don’t and they just stop whether their mom is ready or not. Sometimes its mutual by the first year. And there are some moms that like nursing so they encourage it.

My situation is a little different. She doesn’t want to stop. I am ok with that but I am worried she uses nursing as a way to soothe that I am like a pacifier. Hey, I understand, being next to mom is nice  I know that at some point she will quit her day time nursing and then the night time. I am not rushing it. Because even though nursing at night is tiring even if she’s in bed with me, I like the closeness. Also, she doesn’t like to drink much else and won’t take milk out of sippy. I also know its healthy and good for her. Even the WHO recommends to nurse until two years.

At this point, I am not rushing it. I know she will stop in her own time and I have learned not to rush her. I am noticing my cycles are kind of funky and I am sure it’s the breastfeeding/hormones. For now, that’s not a big deal, we aren’t trying to have more kids but it may be an issue someday if she nurses say past two.

Yea, I know a two year old nursing seems weird right? I would have thought so too until I nursed. I have learned to throw my preconceived notions out the window because in the end, its what’s best for her and me and no on else’s business

Witnessing to Witnesses

2011-09-29T18:37:00.000-07:00

For the second time in two months, I was visited by Jehovah’s witnesses. At first I didn’t realize who this person was until he showed me a tract and started linking his faith to the end of times and eluded that our world was nearing the end of time. He even tried to get me going about evolution.

All while I was jouncing Isabel on my hip as she wailed and holding Liam and Ladybug’s collars at the door.

Now, I realize that this door to door business is part of their faith and just like evangelism is a part of my faith. However, anyone coming to my door, Jehovah’s witness or otherwise would not be what sells me on my faith. That’s just me I guess.

As a Christian, I struggle with many things but related to this are two main issues I have. First, should I have pulled out the doctrine I know and love related to Christianity to witness to these folk? Even if they wouldn’t likely be receptive, just as I was not receptive to what they were saying? Is that what I ‘should have’ done?

Secondly, I struggle with my own witness. I look at the extremes. On one end I could be a missionary witnessing to non-believers abroad or I could wear my faith on the ‘inside’. God calls us to shine like lights and not to hide our light under a rock. I totally agree.

Does He call all of us to be missionaries? No. But what does that mean for the rest of us? Do we do nothing and go about our lives? No. I think I fall into the middle where I openly share my faith (even with unbelievers) but I do not evangelize. I don’t feel super comfortable with getting into people’s faces about my faith. I guess its because I don’t think it would turn me on to any faith as I mentioned already. I think being a witness for Christ can take form in many ways. For me, its hopefully how I interact with others, speak in kindness and serve others. My passion for teaching and helping others learn is another way and keeping a pray list where I pray for others even if they don’t ask specifically for prayer. I hope that people can look at me and see Christ in my heart in my life. If not, I need to be more conscientious. To me, going to church doesn’t make anyone a Christian but it does help encourage me in my faith. It is so easy to get bogged down by the stress of life.

So, what happened that day? I accepted the tract and then ushered him away as Isabel’s wailing could not be jounced away.

But of course, they returned.

Yesterday.

What happened?
They were welcomed by a very loud bark by Ladybug and Liam and me with a groggy Isabel awoken from a nap and not happy about it I might add.

I was in a hurry to get her back down for a nap as she was sick. So I said hello and they tried to get me to talk about the tract they left for me to read and wanted to talk about the state of our society and that the tract would lead me back to my Christian Bible.

All I could say is that I wasn’t interested and I needed to go.

On the inside I felt like a coward. However, I felt like I wouldn’t even be able to challenge them with my faith as I was feeling hazy from sleep deprivation and a sick toddler.

Still, I feel like if this was a test of my faith, I FAILED. My solution was to pray for the folks I met that day and for strength and the ability to stand up for my faith at the next challenge. Felt like small potatoes compared to what I could have done but that is what I could do.

What would you say if someone stopped at your door and challenged your faith?

For Sale... ready or not?

2011-09-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

Its no secret living on one income is practically impossible in this day and age. With much of the responsibility of paying for college, weddings, first home and all, its just not easy to make ends meet. Add extra years of college for grad school for both of us and it really adds up.

Of course other generations could say that our generation is an instant gratification generation with our credit cards, loans for practically everything and the ease of buying a home on a very small down payment. Yea, we are live now, pay later generation.

Is that ok?

No, not for me and that is something I have struggled with a lot as a Christian. I feel like I am called to live responsibily and not stock up on material things just to keep up with society.

Ok, enough of the soap box on my view on our generations’ overspending. I could go on and on.

But here I am.
Faced with a huge decision that J and I have prayerfully considered over the last several months.

We put our house on the market.

(insert sigh)
Here is the good:
•We have a chance to move back home and makes us mobile for job changes/transfers
•We will literally be living in the same neighborhood as my parents and J’s for now
•We will be very near other relatives including Isabel’s aunts and uncle
•We have several daycare/childcare options so I can work part time and afford it
•We will be able to reconnect with our home church
•J’s commute will be cut by a 3rd
•We might even get a date night once in a while!
•We can rekindle some friendships and make new ones including new mom’s groups etc.

Here is the not so good:
•Our house could be on the market for months or even a year
•We will have to keep the house in shape for showings (hard to do with a toddler)
•I will miss our neighbors dearly and the friends I have made here
•I don’t want to but will probably have to change Isabel’s pediatrician (huge sigh) and our vet (another huge sigh) and my ob/gynecologist (probably not a bad thing)

Those are the major pros and cons at this point. So why do I feel so torn?

Home Sweet HomeThis is where J and I started our life together as a married couple. We adopted our dogs, brought Isabel home to this house and have made it our home. Well, I think I feel like this more than J. More so lately, but J literally just sleeps here during the week and we drive back and forth on the weekends a lot to see family so when can he enjoy it? We hardly entertain like we used to or spend time here on weekends. I, on the other hand spend a lot of time here, its near campus and stayed home with Isabel for a year. So maybe I feel a bit more attached?

Sure there are lots of times when I wished I lived closer to home, when we/I am sick, when J works late, when its winter, when its summer for that matter and when it’s the holidays….. so hmmmm when do I like living here?

Well, I love our house, the yard, my garden, my neighborhood.

I wished and have tried to be more involved in the community but where I am almost done at school, my friends are dwindling and moving too. Our involvement at church has changed too since having Isabel and its tough to stay connected.

Still, when the realtor nailed the sign into our yard yesterday, I felt a pang of sadness. Maybe it was because it was a beautiful fall day (I love summery fall days here its my favorite time of year). And maybe its because now the real work begins with putting it on the market. Either way it felt BIG. SAD and bittersweet.

J and I spend a long time coming to this decision and you know how at first its exciting but then you actually have to follow through and that’s the hard part? Well,when J and I finally agreed it was time to do this, we were just coming back from our vacation and both feeling overwhelmed by our house, my lack of job prospects, Isabel in daycare and just the stress of making this all work long term. My PTSD is another big factor, its still a big part of my life and it affects everything including working and sleeping and all that. So, we had some perspective having been away.

Now, we are in the trenches and its hard to see the end goal that we were so excited about it.

I do know that in a year or so I will look back and wonder why I worried so much and feel like we made a great decision and God blessed it. In the mean time I feel torn and am searching and praying for some reassurance as we go through it.

Here is what I do know, our home is where J and Isabel are (and Ladybug and Liam).

If you want an uninterupted shower

2011-09-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

take it at 10:45pm at night...bliss= long steamy shower, time to shave my legs, put on lotion and (ready for this?) put on toe nail polish...*gasp* I know right?!

Ugh too bad its this late and I am just getting a minute for me but hey, I will take it. Afterall, back in the day I was getting ready to 'go out' for the night... Wow, I feel old!

Anyway, here are a few more truths I didn't learn until I became a mother....
1. Sleep deprivation isn't just for the newborn phase: In fact I had pregnancy induced insomnia at 20 weeks on and still haven't had a solid 8 hours yet! Ok, some moms do have this by the time there darling is a year old but not me...yet. I think I am perpetually sleep deprived to the point where if I get 'extra' sleep, I am dead tired for the next day. Typically, I hit two lows in my day, 9:30am and 2pm where I would love to nap...hmmmm a certain Miss Isabel used to nap then but is now going to 1 nap at around 11:30. Then, I rev back up after she goes down at 6:30pm and then can't get to sleep until 11pm!

2. After a baby your periods change:
Two caveats, I am not haven't been on hormonal birth control since getting pregnant and I am still nursing so this affects it. However, I am finding that since my cycle returned at 10 months post-partum (yea if you are counting that was like 19 months without a period!) Anyway, Aunt Flo returned with a vengence and I have had the heaviest ones of my life. Not awesome when you are chasing a toddler.

3. Bathroom time is precious and hardly ever private anymore
As you might imagine being home with Isabel means I can hardly steal away to the bathroom for long. If I do get a chance its when she is napping or in her high chair. I can't put her in her PNP or crib because she gets hysterical. So she sits on a towel in there with me or now toddles around with a toy or two. This also applies to showering that if I don't get one while J is still home, I either take her in with me which she doesn't love or let her stand by the side of the tub in her diaper watching but not getting in the tub (she doesn't like the stream of water in her face.

Oh the joys of motherhood!

Its not that scary

2011-09-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

I have been dreading the anniversary of this night for a long time. Why?

Tonight is the anniversary of the night that I was re-admitted back to the hospital with a c-section infection. I remember much of that day vividly. I remember the searing pain I felt in my incision at 5am when I woke up with on the couch after many hours of on and off being up with a crying baby. I remember my IL's coming over and my SIL helping me get changed, seeing blood and not thinking it was anything. I remember it was warm, humid and summery night and the brief joy I felt when I took a nice warm shower. However, a short time later, I remember the paralyzing fear I felt when I knew my incision was infected and waiting in the bathroom for J to call the Family Center. Ugh, it still feels like a terrible nightmare.

Tonight, I am snuggling with Liam and Ladybug is nearby. Rain is tapping on the window and I have a baby sleeping all snug for the last 3 hours. J is still at work. He would have been at work this time last year if I wasn't in the hospital as this is the end of quarter.

I thought the memories of this night would just haunt me and paralyze me tonight. But, they are not. It feels good to put it behind me. I am ok. I made it. I have an amazing baby girl, a husband that loves me and two very loyal pups.

I am so glad I am not lying on a gurney getting my blood cultures drawn. Man those hurt! Feels good to feel like me again, it feels like it took a long time to get her but here I am and I am happy dare I say.

I am hoping that the few more scary memory days that are coming up will not be as scary when I get to them. Does that make sense? I hope it does!

Tonight, even though I am home alone with my little one without J, I know that I am ok and that I can conquer these flashbacks because truly time heals all wounds!

35 by 35

2011-09-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

Eeek...I know I know I am only 31 going on 32 but hey I can start the list now right?

1. Have another baby and give Isabel a sibling...yea that's not an obvious one :)
2. Lose 30lbs. and maintain it
3. Go on a family vacation to Disney world
4. Do a service project in my community
5. Become fluent in Spanish or Italian
6. Run a 5K
7. Sing Kaoroke at a bar
8. Grow a prize pumpkin
9. Join a church choir
10. Go ice skating on a pond
11. Create my own recipe
12. Give blood
13. Learn to make good pastry creme, pie crust and cake from scratch
14. Spend a night out with J in a hotel without the kiddo...

Ok... thats not 35 but I will keep adding to it!

Perfect day

2011-09-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Isabel's birthday was probably the best day of the year.

My hope for the day was to celebrate Isabel's life and the joy that she brings to all of us. I wanted everyone to feel comfortable and enjoy themselves but I could enjoy the day too.

This is what happened.

Sure leading up to it, I was running around picking up food, cleaning, decorating and baking. But it was worth it. I did as much as I could ahead of time and by Sunday morning we were in good shape. I am thankful for J's friends that came up for the party and really helped with the nitty gritty.

I will be honesty. I am not a party planner. I don't even like most parties i.e. showers but I really wanted to mark this day and make it feel special. And I actually felt excited about the day. I put the trauma and bad memories behind me and forced myself to embrace this day in a new way.

I think letting go of the pain and anguish was key to enjoying the day and focusing on Isabel instead of myself.

I was overwhelmed by the generosity of family and friends. Isabel is one lucky girl with a sweet little bike trike and a little chair with her name on it. She has a whole fall and winter wadrobe and some great books. I can tell that everyone there just loves this little girl so much it makes my heart swell with joy.

What I loved the most is watching Isabel enjoy her party. She proudly toddled around the party showing off to anyone who would watch her. She loves attention, she loves her new independence and didn't cry or fuss at all. I know it is because she can get places on her own and doesn't need to be held. She played with her baby friends but she loves the big kids too.

She was the energizer baby for 6 full hours until she crashed at 6pm.

Bliss is hardly a word I use often but its what I felt as I was able to sit and watch the day unfold. I got to mingle with friends and family and eat cake! I always seem to miss that part at the 8 other 1st birthday parties I have been to haha.

J and I felt like a family that day. We got to enjoy our home and our friends and family. It was a good day and a wonderful start to this new year.

I just love my little munchkin. She makes me so happy and gives me the greatest joy. My life has changed so much and I can't imagine life with out my little girl. She is the best and I am loving this phase of toddlerhood.
xoxo my Isabel

Happy First Birthday Isabel

2011-09-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

This has been a whirlwind year. Tonight, I sit here reminiscing about the days leading up to Isabel’s arrival. Liam is laying next to me on the couch just like he always does and Ladybug is snuggling with J. It was really warm the days leading up to her birth but this year if feels much more fall-like.

Its really hitting me all at once, not the trauma that I endured during her birth (though those memories still rattle around in my brain). Its just hitting me that I have a one year old. My little cuddly and snuggly baby is now a walking, babbling and sweet toddler. Yea, I said it, a TODDLER! She is so good at walking and she is Miss Independent.

Tonight, I spent time making you cupcakes and hanging crepe paper (yea, mama, loves crepe paper). In fact, it reminds me of my birthdays…tradition maybe?

So, I thought I would write a little letter to her to capture the milestone.

Dearest Isabel,
Happy Birthday pumpkin pie! We will celebrate your first birthday and make some memories and start some birthday traditions. We have been through so much this year and through it all, I am so happy to see you grow and thrive.

You are the best part of my life. You bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. You have such a spunky personality.

Recently you learned to walk, you are babbling and even say mama, dada and baba. You love your sippy cup even if you don’t love anything I put in it. You love to eat with your fingers and your favorite foods are cheese, noodles, mangoes, peaches and yogurt. You are in size 5W and you are wearing 12-18month clothes. You are getting teeth like all the time and keeping mama up at night. You still love sleeping with mama but you are napping on your own like a big girl. You also nurse and I have no idea when that will end but I am enjoying our snuggle time still.

You have grown more independent by going to ‘day school’. It sure was hard on both of us adjusting to it but I think you are liking it and that makes me so happy. I want you to know you are loved to the moon and back and yet I know school is good for you. I love our time together though. Our fun trips to the park, playground, the mall, even the grocery store is more fun with you.

I know I am supposed to teach you lots of things, and I know I am but you have taught me so much! You have taught me patience. I am not a patient person but you have taught me to put your needs in front of mine. Hey, so maybe I might need Depends because of all the times I held it while you slept in my arms or I drove home but you fell asleep so I drove to keep you sleeping. You taught me how to love from the tips of my toes. Your smile, even your cry makes my heart swell. Now that you can say mama, its just makes me love you even more. You have taught me to marvel at the little things. You are learning so fast and just watching you learn before my eyes is amazing. You never miss a beat, if its new you notice it! I love how I can figure out how you are feeling when you are tire you make an Oh’ing noise and when you are happy uou run around and squawk. Love it.

So tomorrow, we will enjoy a fun day celebrating you. All your family, baby friends and your mom and dad will be there. Its going to be a big day for you, special little one. I love you so much Isabel. You are the reason I get up in the morning and you give my life meaning. I can’t wait for this next year and all the adventures we will have. Happy Birthday sweet heart. I would go through all that I did to have you 10,000 more times! You are the best addition to my life.

Love you forever and always my sweet pumpkin pie!

Where were you on 9/11?

2011-09-10T17:38:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I had The Today Show on while we were getting ready and Isabel was playing. Of course, with 9/11's 10 year anniversary there were video montages and clips of that day that will live in infamy. I couldn't watch but I minute of it and tears were streaming down my face.

September 11, 2001 was the first time I personally witnessed a national tragedy. I know in other generations folks can say where they were on D-day, when JFK was assinnated or when the shuttle fell from the sky (I was around then but don't remember it).

I can clearly recall September 11th and it still gives me chills. I had gotten up early and went to the gym to workout and my roomie Nancy and I had planned 'room-mate bonding' morning, it was going to become our weekly ritual of breakfast together off-campus. We went to a local coffee shop around 8am and I remember the radio was playing in the background and waitress mentioned something about a plane crash into the World Trade Center. I remember thinking, hmm maybe a small jet crashed into the Boston WTC, hope everyone is ok. When we left we put the radio on WEII 1030am because I figured the regular FM stations weren't carrying this small event.

As Nancy and I drove the short distance back to campus we heard them narrate the situation and that's when we heard it was the NYC WTC and it was a passenger jet. I remember holding hands with Nancy as they said it was likely a terrorist attack. We were gripped with fear, and I remember praying for all involved. I remember the knot in my stomach and the panic I felt.

We rushed into our dorm when mostly everyone was sleeping and wake our roomates up and we flipped on the news just in time to witness the second plane crash. We stood there in shock and were glued to the TV as the rest of the events of the day unfolded. I tried to call family and friends but the cell phones weren't working.

I did talk to my mom who tried to keep me calm and she was reassuring me we were safe. I didn't feel safe. At all. I was terrified. Where was safe when planes could hit buildings and kill people? What if they flew a plane into the power plant?

Classes were cancelled, which gave us all more time to sit glued to the TV. By mid-afternoon I decided to walk the campus and find a spot to read and pray. It was so ironic that it was a perfectly beautiful, clear and sunny day. Perfect in everyway.

By later that afternoon I found myself standing in chapel, singing, praying and crying with friends. Here stories of friend's parents that were safe even after coming out the WTC. Planning to give blood or go there and help with the clean up.

By the evening, I looked up in the sky and saw only a few faint stars, no airplanes. It was eerily quiet because usually lots of planes take off and land nearby.

The days and weeks that passed after that felt surreal. It was hard not to watch the news expecting to hear worse news.

I remember feeling creeped out knowing the terrorists were in Boston the Sunday before. I was going to Park Street Church and took the train and subway in. I remember feeling weirded out that week for some reason. The following week at church, I mourned with our congregation as there were lives lost from church on those flights.

Even though its been 10 years and we have not had another attack of that magnitude. We are still at war. Our world is in turmoil. I feel as a nation we are gun-shy and that our sense of security is still shaken. At least I don't feel 'secure and safe'.

Tomorrow, we will mourn in our hearts for the lives lost on that day, remember personal stories and think just about how close some of us may have come to being on one of those planes or in one of those buildings. I know I still think about it every time I board a plane.

Tomorrow, though, we will celebrate a very dear friend's son's first birthday. We will find joy in the celebration of life. We will, at least I will hug my little one just alittle tighter tomorrow and hope she will NEVER witness a tragedy of this magnitude. I will however, help her to NEVER FORGET and be PROUD to be an American.
xo

Proud Mama

2011-09-09T18:05:00.001-07:00

This week I think I have alot to be proud of, well at least several things come to mind.

1. I was DREADING this week because I knew that working and daycare and just everything was going to be a haul and I am still trying to get into the swing of things like having lunches packed, clothes and work bags packed so the morning rush isn't so hectic. Well, I didn't get it all done ahead of time like I hoped but I did get it done. I think I managed things on my end pretty well despite being tired.

2. Isabel's two days at day care this week improved. Tuesday she didn't cry 'as much' and ate and drank (that's a huge milestone!) and Thursday when J dropped her off, she didn't go right into the arms of her teacher but crawled/walked around and played while J was there. I think it made a difference. Because even though she cried when he left, she did much better over all. When I came to pick her up I peeked in and didn't see her. I assumed one of the infant teachers had her.

When I walked in, I saw her sprawled across the lap of her teacher, passed out cold. AMAZING! I was so proud, I swear my heart was bursting. For a moment I marveled, 'that's my baby?!' They went on to say she hardly cried, played until she passed out and ate pretty well. Woot! I should have called ahead and let her nap! I plan to do that next week and work her up to a full day. I miss her like crazy at work but I know this is the only way I can accomplish getting my dissertation done.

3. Today, Isabel and I had a mommy and me day. We went to the mall, I picked out her Halloween costume, we ate in the food court and we played at the tot land. You know that place in the mall where they can climb and play?

Well, I figured she was not sleepy and dying to walk so I let her try it. She just raced around. Played with the 'big kids' and all the other parents kept asking how old she was and were surpised she wasn't one yet. She climbed up and down the little sea creatures and had a blast. She was proud as a peacock, but I was PROUDER!

I really have taken a step back am marveled at how she is growing into a little girl. Sure, she is needy and will always prefer her mama but she is ready to explore her world. I think most of my mom friends are sad to see them enter this stage but I am embracing it. I got my clingy/needy/nurse 24-7 take no substitute baby for almost a year and I cherised it...but I am ready to take the next step.

She is so happy and outgoing and FUN! I will take the non-napper (well she naps but not in a text book/ set your clock to her way), early riser if it means she is pretty much happy and rambuctious most of the time. I joke that when she naps for more than an hour or sleeps in I get nervous...but I do!

I am also a proud puppy mama. These pups have been through so much this year but they are just if not more loving and loyal as ever. Now that Isabel goes to bed and stays asleep, we get extra snuggle time and it *almost* feels like before Isabel arrived.

I have alot to be thankful and proud of and I am trying to point out the positive more often because everyone knows its ways easier to focus on the negative.

Sweetest sight I ever saw

2011-09-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe its one of the top ten of the sweetest.

Today, when I picked up Isabel she was standing on her little platform (as usual) by the window clutching my tanktop.

The one I wore last night and slept in. I didn't think it would work that having my shirt with my 'smell' on it would make a difference. It seems like it did.

I did a couple of things differently today. I sent her lovie, some breastmilk, some of her favorite snacks and my t-shirt.

J said the drop off was better, no koala bear cling, some crying and she settled pretty fast with her teachers. They said she didn't cry as much during the day, ate/drank a bit more and played peekaboo with her teachers.

It was such a relief that she did better today. I think she will get better and better at this and that makes me feel good.

I think it helps that she is over her ear infection and feels better.

I know she and I will get through this, each day is feeling more and more normal. I have to admit, I like the break and feel less stressed about finishing my dissertation because I am getting more chunks of time to complete it.

So, I am breathing a sigh of relief and am cautiously optimistic that we are going in the right direction. She is such a big girl!

And she walked

2011-09-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day Isabel really starting walking, not just steps here and there. Last night she would string a few steps together and fall. Today, she walked from one side of the living room to the other.

Just like that.

Its amazing to watch her little mind learn how to move and put it all together.

The look on her face is priceless, she is so proud of herself and looks to us for approval.

Yes, I am a proud mama tonight.

There have been naysayers out there that say its all over now that she can walk but honestly, she has never seemed happier. Its fostering her independence and need to explore and I welcome it.

So HOORAY for Isabel, she walks..but still crawls faster!

*****************
On a side note, Isabel starts back to 'school' tomorrow. I am feeling absolute dread. I don't want her to hate it but I know its going to be rough. Oh cue the guilt as I sit here putting together a list of to-dos for tomorrow. Lunches for all of us are made, her bag is packed but I need to write her name in a couple of clothing items, her bag is packed and I am pulling my stuff together and iron clothes. Yea, its fun! Haha

Praying that our day goes well tomorrow, I am trusting God can help her adjust and watch over her while we aren't together. *sigh* Its so hard to let go.

I do think that Isabel would be even happier now that she can walk! Hope that helps...

Cherishing laughter, a gift from God

2011-09-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

This week has felt especially challenging with Isabel having an ear infection, both of us starting school and Ladybug and Liam still healing.

Today, I feel reminded that God really does love us and He shows us through our ability to laugh.

Isabel loves to laugh and now she shares in laughter. Its infectious. She is taking steps and as she does she just laughs, giggles and smiles. Its the best. Actually, its hilarious to see someone so little literally run across the living room. She is just so proud of herself and I am too.

Tonight, I was giving Isabel a bath like I do every night (yes, she could skip it once in a while but lately, she's been messy at dinner and crawling in the grass. Anyway, I plunked her in the tub and let the water fill the big tub as she sat there. She giggled as the water came out of the faucet. She splashed around and crawled up and down the length of the tub. I was feeling especially hot and sticky from the muggy weather and didn't mind getting splashed. So, tonight I decided to splash really fast and we splashed each other. Each time I stopped splashing and started again it started a cascade of laughter that was infectious. I soaked in the moments with her in the tub and enjoyed it.

Earlier this week after a trying day J brought dinner home to help me out. Wouldn't you know J turned his back and Ladybug scarfed a beef teriyaki off his plate nearly whole. So, J took her to the e-vet just to be sure. I knew she's eated corn on the cob and other trash but I am sure she's never done this before. It wasn't a vet trip we wanted to make on top of everything else going on with our pups. But obviously, we would do anything for our furkids so we took her.

I was nervous, annoyed and tired and when J called to say how it went he actually made me laugh. Apparently, after x-rays and inducing vommitting, up came the stick with beef teriyaki still intact. J said, 'at least she won't get to enjoy that beef teriyaki'.....hahahahahaha! I just cracked up and we at least could laugh about it.

Honestly, laughter is keeping me from crying. Lately, it seems that its one thing after another and I feel like we could use a break. I keep reminding myself, God doesn't give us more than we can take but we are just at that breaking point. So, I will take the laughter where I can.

Isabel definetly brings the laughter and the joy, thankful for my beautiful and sweet baby girl. xoxoxoxoxo

The first week of 'school'

2011-09-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it...maybe it was by the skin of our teeth but we did it. Here is out it went

Tuesday morning:
Isabel- woke up extra early (of course) 5:30 am and so I had to rush to get ready and get her ready. She was sleepy but fought sleep the whole morning.

Me- I put her in the car seat and kissed her goodbye and she smiled and gave me a slobbery kiss back. J drove off with her and I stood in the driveway and sobbed. I didn't let myself get too hysterical because I knew I had to keep it together so I could work. The two pluses: It was a beautiful morning (its always harder for me to be sad on 'nice' days) and second I actually could get ready pretty quickly without Isabel and was on my way with little time to dwell.

Isabel- J said she snored the whole way to 'school' and he woke her and brought her in...she cried hysterically but after a few minutes they said she calmed down and J dropped her stuff off outside the classroom since she was OK

Me- I called 2h in and they said she had been crying on and off all morning...GAH. I knew it.

Isabel- I guess she stood by the window and watched the kids play outside and was distractable on and off.

Me- I left early and peeked in the window of her classroom and saw her standing up in the corner leaning on the window and it hit me: She is a big girl, a toddler almost. But she's MY girl. I was proud and in awe of her.

Isabel- When I came in she cried and once she was in my arms it was the happiest sweetest reunion with laughs and snuggles. The rest of the day was great!

Wednesday we had the day to ourselves and we had a fun morning and a playdate in the afternoon. Unfortunately, she's got an ear infection and the medicine made her projectile vommit in her carseat, yuck!

Today, she got up later and we did the same routine as Tuesday. She left and I didn't cry but was nervous about how day 2 would go. I was hopeful she would start to get the hang of it.

Isabel- Got to daycare after a nap in the car and when J handed her off she clung to him like a koala. That was the first time she ever did that to him. He said it melted his heart. She was hysterical. I guess she was like that on and off the whole time.

Me- I didn't call or email or anything. I needed to focus at work and I knew if I checked in I would be tempted to rush over and get her. So I came in and didn't see her in her classroom. She was with an infant teacher. She was stonefaced when she saw me. She was tired, in a different outfit and smelled of sunscreen. She was still huffing and sighning so I knew alot of crying happened. Once we were in the car she nursed and dropped off to sleep. Once on the way, I cried.

Am I torturing her? Will she ever get 'used to this'? Is she going to lose her trust in me?

Cue the mom guilt.

After she had napped she was herself and we ate lunch and did our normal stuff together, including playing with the dogs in the yard and a trip to Target.

Unfortunately, the medicine saga continues because I gave her a dose after dinner and she projectile vommitted in her high chair. Poor thing, she was scared and a mess so I stuck her in the sink and hosed her off before trudging upstairs for a real bath. As I write this I can just imagine my sisters cringing because they HATE throw up! Now that she eats solids, its pretty gross!

Anyway, I knew this was going to be hard because she's got to adjust to change and she's still learning that concept. Everyone says it will be good for both of us. Ugh I hate that, I know to some degree its true. At the same time, this part sucks and it would be so much easier if she liked it because then I would be fine with this. Its not that I LOVE having her need me every moment. I mean its sweet but tiring and demanding being the ONLY one that can soothe/satisfy her most of the time.

On the bright side, I was able to step back into work right where I left off. I even got a pat on the back and some encouragment from friends and co-workers. It felt nice and validating and at this point, thats really what I needed.

Letting go one step at a time: Isabel's first day of 'school'

2011-08-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

Yea, I am struggling with what to call it. She is going to a 'day school' its more than a daycare facility. It goes up to kindergarten and they have an afterschool program k-12. So I guess its 'school' even she's only a toddler. Each room has a curriculumn and stuff they teach them rather than just play. I feel good about it because it has structure.

Originally the plan was to start her today 1/2 day 8-noon. Then Hurricane Irene happened and though we suffered minimal damage and no power loss my work was cancelled. How could I send her to 'school' when I didn't have something concrete to occupy my time?

So we made the best on Monday and she is going tomorrow morning.

Gah.

The anticipation of the unknown is always the worst in my book. On one hand, I feel ready to let go a bit...did I just say that?!

Well, yes.

For the greater good of finishing my dissertation, I can let go for 12h a week knowing she will play and interact with kids and teachers. I can do that.

The thought of someone else 'raising' her kills me though and I am greatful and thankful I get to spend so much time doing that. That is NOT to say that there aren't amazing caretakers out there that love the kids they take care of like there own but there is something about 'mommy care' that I relish.

I have been so anxious about my dissertation and my advisor has in a word been very patient with me.

Honestly, any sooner than now and I wouldn't be ready to do this. I am still not. Even as I sit here I am doubting this decision.

But, here is what I have discerned through my prayers and wisdom I have recieved from other moms.

This opportunity for me to go back AND find a center that would take Isabel 1/2 time with a couple of mom friends sending their kids there too just didn't happen on its own. God was is in it. He opened the doors I 'knocked' on. He is preparing my heart and mind for this because I NEED it big time.

Its been a heck of year and its not over yet. However, I know God has a bigger plan and though I have to 'give her up' for a bit, I know in the end I will always be her mummy.

So, tonight, I am packing her lunch and labeling her clothes and feeling very 'mom' like. Its a lot of work to prepare for in advance but we pulled it together.

What comforts you?

2011-08-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Here are my top ways I feel comforted when I feel stressed, anxious and overwhelmed. I have been feeling that way lately, but I am finding ways to get through it.

1. God
Of course I have been relying on God's strength to comfort me, especially during this last year. I can't say I always 'feel' comforted all the time but my faith in God is something I rely on to get me through

2. Ladybug and Liam
They are my constants, they snuggle with me and wag their tails and follow a pretty normal routine, eat, sleep, play and snuggle

3. Night lights
I know they are for kids but dim light in our room at night helps me when I wake up when I can't sleep, its comforting for sure

4. Dishwasher
Sounds silly but running it makes me feel like life is normal and routine. I have been known to run it with two dishes in it ;)

5. Pillow
Smell of my pillow, yea know when it comes out of the linen closet, reminds me of mom

6. Food Network
I watched this alot when I was in the hospital, fun shows, nothing scary for shows or anything

Can you tell I like routine and familiar?

I feel like I have been anticipating that the next couple of months will be stressful as I mark one year since everything happened with Isabel's birth and the aftermath.

Good news? So far I feel less stressed than I thought I would and its less scary than I thought so far. Of course the new stress of having Ladybug needing treatment is adding new stress but overall I feel like I am getting through it. Definetly am feeling 'carried along' by my faith.

When the news isn't good

2011-08-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

Ladybug 7/14/2007 When we adopted her

Ladybug 11/4/10 Lounging on the couch

I can't hold my breath any longer and just 'hope' that things with Ladybug are going to be ok.

I knew as soon as I felt that lump it wasn't going to be good. Right there on her belly, hard lumpy little lump.

We were on vacation and I tried to convince myself that it was just a benign little lump. But in my heart I knew it was serious.

It seems like we are having an 'unlucky' streak.

This year has been one thing after another. I got a serious c-section infection that is so rare most of my nurses had never seen it in their 20+ year career but once before. Liam got a complication from getting quilled such that quills are still migrating out of his wrist joint and now of course Ladybug has a cancerous tumor but not just any tumor.

This mammary tumor only occurs 25% of the time and most of the time is benign. But not for Ladybug. *sigh*

This is where I could look back at this year and say 'boo hoo, why me God?' But I won't. If I did, it wouldn't be a very good showing of my faith.

I believe that as a Christian, I am not exempt from difficult times, even if they seem to pile up one on another for a year. Sometimes, these times are a period of testing a person's faith. Other times, it just it what it is and being a Christian just doesn't prevent bad situations. My faith this year has been tested and strengthened. I am trying to take the perspective that I have my faith and through tough times its my faith in God that carries me through. Where would I be without Him?

So, here is where we are. In a tough situation again. But I don't feel angry toward God for this year of 'bad luck'. I can't explain why its all happening now but I know that I am right where I need to be with my walk with God and I know He is in this.

Where do we go from here?

Well, the oncologist said that we can do chemotherapy and that will hopefully keep tumors from returning in the short term but in the end that this cancer will likely return in a couple of years and be what will do her in. That's the crappy part.

I had been hoping that she'd need just a couple of treatments and that would ensure it wouldn't come back at all.

Unfortunately, that's not the case.

Her tumor is rare because most dogs are spayed at 6 months but because she is a rescue she wasn't spayed until 2 years old. That greatly increasing the risk of this cancer. since its not well studied the oncologist was being cautious not to give us too much false hope but since it hasn't spread yet it could mean it could be at least delayed for a while. There's just not a lot of data out there to give a definitive prognosis. So I am hoping that this could mean she could have a longer healthy life than the oncologist can guesstimate.

I know that we are giving Ladybug the best life we can.

She we 47lbs, flea bitten, just getting over heartworm and had hookworm when she came to us. She has blossomed into a rambuctious, quirky, playful, loving and loyal girl who I love dearly. She's so intuitive. When I was pregnant she 'just knew' and when my incision opened she was trying to lick at it and I didn't realize till after she already knew what was happening and was trying to 'fix it'. I wouldn't say she's MY dog but I feel like we share a very special bond. She is my first dog, she has taught me how to love deeply and what loyalty is. She prepared me for being a mom (so did Liam with all of his antics) but truely she's one of kind. She was meant for us and we are meant for her.

We will do all we can to take care of her and love her and give her the best 'dog' life we can as long as we can and cherish the time.

PhD Mama playdate

2011-08-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from a mom that saw my post on the UNH jobs website advertising for a babysitter. She's a PhD grad student with two kids and she didn't want to sound stalker-y but wanted to let me know she lived in my town and did we want to get together?

How funny is that?

In this day and age I guess thats how we connect via email and FB and its interesting how it all comes together.

She's in a different department but she knows other mamas in our area going to UNH so we get to meet up on Friday.

Usually, this kind of meet up social situation would stress me out but I think it will be fun to meet other moms in my boat and commiserate if nothing else.

How cool is it she lives in our tiny lil town!

On a side note, as much as I HATE that I am leaving Isabel so I can go back to work p/t I am feeling alittle excited about finishing. Feels like its been a long haul and I did enjoy my 'life' prior to Isabel. I think it'll feel nice to be appreciated for my brain for once. Not that it doesn't take alot to raise Isabel but it can feel isolating and alittle hum drum sometimes especially when I have a baby that is very active and doesn't like to sleep for long. And oh yea, we don't have tons of money for activities so thankfully its nice out! Making the best of our week together before every thing changes gear next week. Kind of mind boggling that I haven't been to work in 1 year.

A PhD. mama playdate will hopefully start it off on the right foot!

Big steps

2011-08-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

Today Isabel is 11 months!

She's starting to take steps, her favorite game is when I stand her up about a foot away from me and she takes a couple of steps and falls into my shoulder. Love love love the joy I see on her face when she does this!

She's weeks away from really walking...kind of crazy! She can climb the stairs and is a very fast crawler!

She's loving feeding herself and it loving waffles, mangos, cherries and peaches.

Just today I was taking her home from music class and she was babbling and enjoying the walk when it donned on me I have a little girl.

She's amazing me every day and I love each minute.

On to the next bit step.....
We are going to put Isabel in part time day school, 3 days a week each day a half day. Ugh, I know its gonna be hard to let her go but I feel like its the right call. Here's why:
I need to finish my dissertation and need face time with my advisor
I can make some money and it will help pay for childcare
I think Isabel will thrive in a distraction of an environment
I like the school curriculumn and its better than just a babysitter
A friend is sending her baby there too so that makes me feel a little more at ease
Isabel doesn't have to nap there because she will start off on half days

Of course, I am terrified. I haven't spent 4 hours away from her and she's never been with anyone but family.

The thought of her crying her head off devastates me. I am trusting that we found a school that will have teachers that are experienced and will be able to help her through it.

Its a giant step for me to do this. I don't want it to seem like I am putting myself first. I am doing this so I can finish my dissertation and then go back to staying home with her longer and working another job part time down the line. I really enjoy being her mom and yet I need to finish my dissertation, and I am not getting it done on my own.

I start in 2 weeks..
*sigh*

*************************
Ladybug is doing alot better with her incision and is healing. She's so spunky its hard to keep her quiet!

Liam had 4 more quills removed from his paw after seeing a specialist. I am hoping this is finially it!

We also got the results back on Ladybug's mass. Its malignant.

*gulp*

We are hoping since it was fully removed and not spread she can recover and not suffer with cancer long term.

Wishing for a break. We really love our fur kids and we will do anything for them. Saddly, this is really financially draining. We are doing the best for them and we will. I have to, we wouldn't have it any other way.

I witnessed DETERMINATION today

2011-08-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

Today, both of my sisters ran a half marathon, this is the second one they ran in a year. I wanted to be there to cheer them on the first time but couldn't because that was the day I was admitted back to the hospital with my c-section infection.

Fast forward to today.

They didn't expect me to come because it was early in the morning and a long drive for me. I was already planning to be in the area for birthday party so I tried to make it.

As I zoomed down the highway I was getting play by play from mom.

I was so excited to be there and celebrate their big accomplishment. Its been a fews weeks since Isabel saw her aunties and I wanted to surprise them.

I had heard that Jess and Scott had finished and had a good run. I knew Jolene had struggled and was feeling defeated.

I knew how much this half marathon meant to both of them.

Especially Jolene.

I knew she was upset before I got there but when I saw her I saw determination. I felt it. Her legs were goosebumpy and she was weary but she was still strong. She probably didn't think she looked it but I could see it.

I was proud despite her feelings of despair.

I was in awe of her and that she finished a 13.1 mile run despite difficulties breathing and the humidity.

I can only imagine how hard it was.

I have sports induced asthma and I could relate to how she described how she was feeling.

I know I would struggle if I had to do that run. There's a reason why I don't run. I don't think I can do it. I mean I know I could but I haven't yet.

I wish I was as committed as her. I know running doesn't come easy to her and yet she conquered it. She stayed dedicated and determined.

What I love is that Isabel was there and we took some pictures and we can tell her how strong and determined her two aunties are and that even when something is hard she can conquer it like her auntie did.

I also loved while we there there that Scott, his sister Lisa and Miguel and my dad and Darlene were there too. It was an improntu family get together. Made it feel special. The extra sweet part? Miguel 'lent' Isabel his medal....awwwww. She chewed it with pleasure!

Just Breathe

2011-08-13T20:16:00.000-07:00

I think I mentioned that I found a lump on Ladybug over vacation. This week we proceeded with having it removed right away. Everyone at the vet has been really supportive and I think we are going in the right direction.

Yesterday she went in to have the lump removed and I waited with baited breath.

Liam was kind of beside himself without her but he calmed down. Isabel and I enjoyed a 1st birthday party at a park in Portsmouth and made the best of the day.

I got the phone call from the vet saying she was ok but she was going to rest for 2 weeks. I could breathe alittle bit better and felt relieved.

My relief turned to fear when J brough Ladybug home. She actually was acting quite spry for having had surgery. She has two ports in her incision to help with the healing. She really seemed restless and we had to collar and crate her. J was up with her most of the night. I slept upstairs and J stayed with her. Thank God for him.

This morning I was just a nervous wreck because I could finally see her incision. Its about 12 inches long. My c-section incision was half that.

*Gulp*

I have to say I am really feeling anxious and sad for Ladybug.

Going through my mind right now are flashback to what I went through with my c/s. Ladybug was right by my side the whole time. So gentle and calm. That is how I am trying to be for her.

Its hard.

I hate having to crate her and keeping a collar on her. I know its for her own good. Its really hard to keep Isabel away from Ladybug and I am not sure how I will do two weeks of this. Isabel is everywhere.

I want Ladybug to survive this surgery, not to get infected and for this lump to be benign.

I know God is in this. I know that He is watching over us.

I do wish I could say I didn't feel like asking Him for a break though.

Right now this all feels like too much.

All I am asking for is to get through the next 2 weeks and that Ladybug stays strong, heals quickly and we all make it together.

That is my prayer because this feels like alot and I am just trying to BREATHE.

When I'm not in control

2011-08-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

God is. That's how it should always be right?

Vacation with a baby redefines vacation

2011-08-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

So ever since last summer when we planned our vacation to return to Lake Umbagog J has been doing the count down. All I kept thinking about after Isabel was born was ugh, its gonna be a long ride with a crying baby. As the months went on I felt less concerned about that and more concerned about the secluded nature of the location, what if I couldn't entertain her?

Well, here's what happened in high light format.

1. Packing for a 9 day trip with a baby that had Roseola, a hot and humid week of weather and 2 dogs was kind of a bummer

2. We managed to get off to a good start and Isabel was feeling better by the day we left but Liam was limping despite pain meds we picked up.

3. The car ride up was great, she slept 2/3 of it

4. Unpacking up there was way easier than packing here!

5. Baby proofing was a must in the cabin and we avoided major catastrophe with some vigilence. i.e. pulled all the blinds, covered all outlets, moved the coffee table and ashtrays, pushed the bed away from the window and kept the front screen door locked because she liked to look out and lean against it.

6. Screen tent for outside was a must. We were right by the lake and she wanted to crawl to it. So it kept her contained, bug free and out of the sun. We just had to keep her from picking the grass and eating it and from pouncing on the dogs.

7. Biggest adjustment? No sleeping in, no lazy naps (though J napped with her and I got to relax blogging/browing the web and read a whole book!)

8. Drawback to a DIY vaca, is I had to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of a baby so in essence same thing different location. However, J was really helpful and we got to catch up alot and actually talk...imagine that?!

9. FIL and his wife were in the next cabin, which was nice they could play with the baby and that helped

10. We managed one dinner out but the dogs had to stay in the car which stunk

The other tough part of our trip was that Liam popped a quill out of his joint requiring J to go home for the day and have it removed and the other was Ladybug had a lump in her belly that I found while we were away. So, needless to say we had hoped for a simple and relaxing vacation but instead it was alittle less restful but at least we had each other!

Nonno

2011-08-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

This week my Nonno passed away. He was my dad's dad and we did not have the closest relationship but I am still sad he passed away.

I feel more sad for my dad. In the last few weeks I gained some perspective into their relationship that I had never known before.

My Nonno was straight off the boat from Italy. He and my Nonna came to the US to start a new life. He was a police officer in Italy but had to start a new career here as a painter. He married my Nonna in Italy and then she moved here and raised my dad and aunt. He wasn't really a family man, he liked traveling and pursuing his own interests. I didn't spend alot of time with him growing up and spent much more time with my Nonna. He was in a word fickle. One day he was lovin life and happy as a clam, the next he was picking fights and holding grudges.

My dad always had a tumultuous relationship with him, as did much of the family including my dear Nonna.

I think looking at it now my dad took it the hardest when Nonno would get angry and hurtful.

I can't explain my Nonno, I don't think any one really could. But it was hard on my dad. There were times in dad's life when Nonno was kind to him and others, generous and even tender. But much of the time he wasn't like that.

My dad longed for a good relationship with him, a consistent one. One that would not change in an instant and cause them not to speak for a year or more. I think that my Nonno hurt him so much because my dad loved him and wanted a good relationship with him and no matter what my dad didn't get that with him. That's the part that I see now and it makes me sad.

Dad and Nonno hadn't really spoken much since my Nonna passed 2 years ago and a couple of weeks ago he started asking to see dad. Dad went to see him and I encouraged it, even though I know it was hard for dad. I didn't want my dad to regret not seeing him. Its not like all was patched up in the couple of times my dad visited him but they made their peace. Nonno even learned he had a great grandbaby and he smiled at that.

I think my Nonno loved us girls even if he didn't show it much. I tried mostly because it meant alot to dad and Nonna.

My dad and I have had our own rocky patches in the past and I was always nervous my dad and I would have a relationship like he and Nonno. I am thankful that our relationship has evolved into a loving one that is fortified by lil' Isabel.

So, I am sad to say goodbye to Nonno but hopeful that much of the hurt and pain dad felt from this rocky relationship can be healed over time.

Lost in my thoughts

2011-08-02T17:19:00.001-07:00

Lately, I have been finding myself lost in my thoughts. ALOT. I keep thinking its because I am contemplating going back to work, my dissertation, Isabel's sleeping habits.

Its probably all that. And then some.

I think anxiety is slowly creeping into my life.

I am dissapointed.

I want to feel like I can handle anything. After all with God in control, how can I be anxious?

Well I am and I don't like it.

I think that the PTSD is rearing its ugly head again. I have a feeling its because the months are adding up and we are nearing Isabel's first birthday.

I want to be overjoyed and I am. Part of me is sad though.

I keep replaying all that has happened in the beginning. I want to move on. I need to. Its what needs to happen and yet I feel stuck.

How am I going to get through it?

I want to say that I am going to just find a way to overcome this on my own. Actually, I don't think I can. This is bigger than me.

What is comforting me is that God is bigger than this, He is my strength in my weakness.

I am accepting that maybe my mind will wander to the events of the past and its still going to be hard for a while. But I am hoping that this fall we can create some new memories, some happier ones.

I love our little family and I am thankful for this week to have a week away with J and Isabel and the pups so we can catch up and have a chance to relax...well not really relax with a busy baby but still its been beautiful weather and nice to be a family!

What would I give up?

2011-07-26T19:01:00.000-07:00

Last night, as I stroked Isabel's downy soft hair away from her feverish forehead nothing else mattered. My mind wandered as she laid next to me squirming around as she fell deeper into sleep.

What would I give up so I could stay home longer?

For the last couple of days I have had a heavy heart thinking that these moments together where its just us will end.

I have cherished the gift of motherhood and the gift I feel like God granted us to be parents to this beautiful baby girl. I couldn't feel happier.

J and I however, have known that me staying home wouldn't likely be feasible forever. I had planned to go to work p/t this fall and work for my advisor. It would give me more face time with him (dissertation wise) and start the transition for Isabel to another caregiver on a part time basis.

It would only be 12h or so and I would hire a babysitter. I am feeling good about this plan.

The spring is another story, I have the chance to interview for a position at UNH that is right up my alley. The catch? Its full time and for 3 years renewable.

I wouldn't have blinked at this before Isabel was born.

Now?
Its a gut wrenching decision.

Do I put her in full time daycare at 15 months and consider it fortunate she got me at home for so long? Do I just hope that it all works out?

This may sound like I think I am entitled or am not greatful for the time I have had with her.

That's not what I am saying.

I think we could find a good daycare fit for her and she would adjust eventually.

And money is tight, we need to find a way to make ends meet. The solution is for me to work.

Or is it?
This week as I have been looking at daycares and home daycare and babysitters and every combination in between it almost feels like I would be working just to break even.

We don't have back up if she is sick and can't go to daycare. Once we start down this path it will be tough to go back especially if I change my mind and want to stay home.

I really want to patch it together and work part time if we can make it work.

Also in the balance is my career.

Give up this chance to teach, this perfect first job opportunity out of my PhD.? Feels like alot to give up. Put on hold?

I have always known that God has a plan for my life. I don't feel like I am sure what it is but I know that I am on the right path.

I knew becoming a mom would change my life and yet I couldn't anticipate how fulfilled I feel to the point where this is all I want to do.

I may not have this luxury for much longer but I am going to put in one last ditch effort to make it work.

I am pretty good at scrimping and pinching, as I never grew up with alot of money and was a typical work 3 jobs college student. Here is what I am willing to give up:

My cell phone with data plan: I will go back to regular phone that can text and make calls

Cable TV: We don't watch it much during the day or even at night, I will miss Food Network and TLC but we will survive with Netflix

Coffee: No more DD drivethru, I will live!

Clothes: Hahaha well I will still wear them of course but if they come second hand or from Walmart that's ok

Haircut/Pedi: I don't get my haircut as much but no coloring or pedi's

Lunch out: Well I am going to cut back even more and bring my lunch whenever I can unless it costs less to buy it out than go to the store to make it.

I am sure there will be more to cut back on but for now thats my plan. Even if I can work just p/t for another year I think that will make all the difference for both of us.

I have to face the facts...

2011-07-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

Fact #1: Isabel is 10 months today! Wow, that means 2 months until her birthday! She's growing so fast! She's loving eating table food, playing with other babies, her new babysitter and the cats and dogs! She's love the pool, beach and tubby! Loves getting out and seeing new things and is such a social kid!
Her stats: 23.5lbs, 28.5 inches, wears mostly 12 mo clothes but fits 9 months clothes still
She babbles mama, dada, baba and sometimes a 'hi' and waves, claps, taps and signs more!

Fact #2
My kid is a not a crib sleeper. I have spent the better part of these last 10 months getting her to be one. We have had various periods of sucess where she will go to sleep and be ok with being transferred to her crib. She still wakes up alot. I know its because she doesn't know how to put herself back to sleep and all that I have tried to help her understand it has FAILED!

We are doing a combo of her falling asleep on my bed and transferring to the crib, which lately results in screams and puking. So, she's been sleeping on our bed or napping in the car/ stroller.

Why is she like this? I don't know. Its in a word frustrating.

My latest idea is to try to get her to fall asleep on her crib mattress in her room to allow her to get the idea and not be moved. She could roll off but it would only be a 2 inch drop. Her room is safe, gated and I am within earshot.

Fact #3
If anyone is ever going to care for her here or in day care this sleep issue is going to be well, an issue. I don't have a solution. CIO is really not an option and yet, what to do? More on this later!

Fact #4
Isabel is a crib stander! As you can see in the above pic!

Isabel's babysitter Day 1

2011-07-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

Our babysitter who I will refer to as Nurse J rocks! She came right on time and talked right to Isabel and put her at ease as we were preparing for J to go to work.

I showed her where her bottles were, clothes, diapers and her little swimming pool. I didn't want to be that annoying mom that shadows her sitter all day so I just showed her the basics and let go.

She has the experience I can tell and the confidence to ask where things are and such so I felt good about this tactic.

It was ther right one.

I could hear them playing down stairs and her singing songs to her and Isabels' shrieks of joy. I know she had a poopy diaper and Isabel does the 'alligator death roll' for me but somehow Nurse J got it under control and changed the diaper...gold star!

I really wanted Isabel to nap when Nurse J was getting there so I could show her around and Isabel could nap with me putting her down.

It didn't happen that way. About 45m into it she was tired and Nurse J knew it. She tried rocking and giving her a bottle. I was in the office and she was in our room with the A/C on but I could hear Isabel wailing.

Poor babysitter.

After about 15m I gave in and went to see if maybe a stroller ride might work better. I felt terrible making her go out in this heat but she went and with a chipper attitude.

I could tell that a crying baby didn't rattle her. Not in the 'I don't care about your kid even when she's crying' way but more the 'babies cry and I will care for her right through it'.

I can't say I wasn't biting my nails during their stroller walk. It took alot to sit in the office. I wanted to run out there and walk too. I did go down twice and let the dogs out and peaked down the road to see if they were coming back.

Bad, I know.

The second time she was on her way back.

I was worried about Isabel seeing me and so I tried to stay out of sight. At the same time the times she did see me she was OK.

Nurse J said by the end Isabel was reaching out to her.

It was a relief that Isabel adapted and that we got the right baby sitter.

I have to say I would be a terrible boss. I made her lunch when Isabel had lunch and ate with them. I would pay her a million bucks an hour if we could afford it.

I guess I know the other side of baby sitting better and I want to make Nurse J feel comfortable and appreciated.

It was weird having the sitter here and the sitter not be me. I have taken care of so many kids in my life and it was weird to be the one kissing my husband good by with the sitter in the background playing with my baby.

I'll take it. As long as we can afford it.

I did make progress and am still working because Isabel conked out after Nurse J left.

Awesome!!

Babysitters, Puppies and Babies....well just mine!

2011-07-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

So to end the saga of the babysitter search:
I interviewed 3 girls in all and talked with 5.
#1.The first girl is a student and interning and babysitting. She seemed bright and responsible despite the directions mix up but not really into babies. Didn't really interact with Isabel or even ask to hold her or play on the floor with her. She turned it down to babysit of 7 year old, fine with me because a 9 month old is a totally different story and she seemed a bit overcommitted!

#2.The second girl was is a recent grad in history, piecing together summer work. 15 minutes late, didn't call, didn't interact alot with Isabel, kind of had a flat personality and seemed disengaged. The only question she asked was if Isabel had any food allergies...weird? It wasn't clear to me why she liked babysitting and she didn't even ask the pay scale so it clearly didn't seem about the money either. Weird. Her other job sounded alittle sketchy because she had said that family 'didn't need her as much'. That may have been true but to me that's 'mom speak' for its not working out. I have been a nanny and babysitter for years and if I heard that I would know thats what was meant. I asked for her reference and she said she would have to email it to me. She was in and out in 15m flat. I didn't have a great feeling about her, but she had alot of availability. I was hoping that the third girl would be a better fit.

#3. We chatted on the phone after one email, she sounded great on the phone...is that possible? Mature, enthusiastic and a pro...I could just tell. She came in the morning, 10 minutes early!! LOVE!! Not only punctual but early....wahoo! Isabel was still sleeping so I chatted with her and loved her, she reminded me of ME. Good thing? I think so ;) She recently graduated with a nursing degree and is looking to move to FL and go to school to become a midwife....seriously this could have been me if I didn't purse biology/horticulure! She has babysat babies, recently a family with two toddlers and twin 9 months olds...WOAH! She also worked at a day care in the baby/toddler room. Awesome! When Isabel woke up she was all smiles for her, a bit shy but opened up quickly. They played on the floor and Isabel LOVED it. I even walked away and took a phone call and they just played, not a peep from Isabel. She was great with our dogs and flexible with the days/times. I hired her on the spot. I just felt good about this. I am already bummed she is moving soon and she hasn't even started. Weird? Kinda but she starts tomorrow.

#4. The last option was taking her to a babysitter that watches other kids in her home. She was recommended by my therapist. She may have been great but basically when we talked on the phone she made me feel like if my baby was needy, fussy, moody or basically Isabel she didn't want her. She did make a good point that it can disrupt the flow because she wouldn't be there all day every day. Fine. But she said she wouldn't cuddle her to sleep and that killed me. I know its a reality and she might adjust but seriously, how can I leave her when I know that will be torture? She wasn't less $/hr or day and she wasn't lisenced. So, I decided against this option but day care isn't out of the question someday.

I am however in a word NERVOUS.

Isabel can be finicky, not sleep well and want her mama. How is it going to work with me at home and her playing with someone else? I am not sure. I feel like it will be best for me to be out of sight but in ear shot well everywhere in my house is. So once she gets used to her then I will go to UNH and work.

I think she will be dependable but she isn't going to be with us for a long time and like any babysitter things can change, fast.

I am concerned about the $ since I have to pay her when I am not getting paid myself. J and I had a conversation about this last night and something is likely to change in the next few months. Ugh. I hate it all. The thought of leaving her at daycare kills me. I can just imagine her cry cry cying because she needs cuddling at naps.

At the same time we don't have an unlimited budget. I am getting worn out by being Isabel's main caretaker and I am not getting alot of work done on my dissertation.

To add to this, Liam had another 2 more quills removed Friday. So I am on puppy watch making sure he doesn't take them out so I am home all day with a baby and two dogs. No pool, no beach no errands. Its frustrating. I do feel like I need to add that beach, pool or anything in the summer is great but with a baby, its not super relaxing but good for her to get out and about.

So, I am up in the air as to what is next. I don't want to leave my baby but in reality I have been so fortunate to be with her this long. I would be ok with leaving her here and there if I felt like she would adjust well but I know her personality and its going to be a big adjustment for her.

So the babysitter started tomorrow, we shal see how it goes...I think its going to go well.

Shoe on the other foot

2011-06-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

So, I made the leap and decided to hire a Mother's Helper so I can have more time to get work done on my dissertation during the day.

After asking around and having some leads fall through I placed an ad on the UNH employment site.

It was so weird writing an ad for a sitter rather than answering one.

Within hours of posting it I got responses.

How do I respond? Weed through all of them and pick? Interview them all? Find a time that works? Read all their info/schedules and refs.

Ugh as a busy mom that NEEDS help, I feel like I need an HR person to help me out.

Ok, it was only 8 people and I have responded to them all and plan to meet at least 3.

I don't want to drag the process out and I need someone now.

First responder sounded good, smart, promising.

We set up a time to meet yesterday via email.

I planned my day around it to make sure it worked and she didn't show.

Um really?!

Well, I finally checked my email and saw that she did come but got lost. I thought my directions were good but totally forgot that our street sign is missing so she drove by but didn't know it was our house. To make it worse we changed our mailbox and the #1 is missing.

FAIL.

Rookie mistake.

Make sure interviewee has my #. I didn't give it to her because I was concerned that if I gave my # to every person that would be ridic.

So moving on, she came today and she's sweet and yet she doesn't have infant experience per se. I think she is trainable and willing and seemingly reliable. I am less worried since I am going to be home for the most part.

The other applicants seem promising, both of the others have infant experience and are CPR trained but at the same time I feel like sometimes too much experiences breeds overconfidence.

I am prayerfully considering who will be best for Isabel.

Its weird that I feel ready to do this, to have another person watch my dear one, even if I will still be there.

Feels like a giant leap but I think she is ready and so am I.

Doubt

2011-06-27T04:59:00.000-07:00

As you might imagine, getting a baby that doesn't sleep well to sleep consistently and in her crib has been a challenge.

We for the most part had success this week getting her to sleep in her crib for naps and some nights she started off in her crib and ended up with us.

I don't mind her sleeping with us but when she wakes up every few hours with me (who knows why) and nothing will put her back down its frustrating.

Cue the doubt.

I have been cranky, tired and haven't had a lot of patience and I am sure it mostly due to my lack of sleep and frustration that I can't help Isabel sleep better.

What does J think? He is supportive to whatever I want to try but he isn't home early enough to help with naps or nighttime that much so that falls on me.

Since Isabel's birth I have shouldered the sleep responsibility because for the most part she needed to nurse to sleep because in a phrase nothing else worked and believe me short of CIO I tried it.

So, here we are at 9 months and part of me feels like she can sleep through the night, she is capable of going to sleep without nursing but it takes motion, a car ride, stroller ride or in her carrier being worn.

Its not that I don't want to put her down by nursing, I feel like she can do it without and want to foster that because eventually we will start weaning and I don't want her to rely on nursing to sleep or she never will (or at least it will take longer).

All this is to say that I am doubtful that any of this is going to work and that maybe she isn't ready for this step even if I am.

I am dissapointed in myself. Are my expectations too high? Unrealistic? Am I not trying hard enough? Reading too many books and expecting her to be textbook?

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. She's a baby. My daughter and really, from conversations with my mom, I was much like her.

So this week, because I am done staying home to watch puppy boy aka Liam, I can get back into my routine without worrying about his stiches. I am going to try to keep to a nap schedule but also in between do stuff I know will interest her and tire her out. That always helps naps. If she sleeps in the car or stroller? No biggie. If she sleeps one nap in her crib during the day great!

I need to let go alittle and this week I think I can. Its hard because one of the other goals I have for crib sleep is that a babysitter could put her down so I can work if she would go in a crib and I can work longer while I know she is safely sleeping in her crib.

My dissertation is hanging over my head and I know I have got to finish and one of the ways is doing it while she naps. But if getting her to nap is a battle, is worth the extra hr. I get to work? It doesn't seem like it. So, the alternative is getting her to bed earlier so I can work after that.

Oh, I know it will all get done but its a process.

To the crib

2011-06-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

So Isabel has never been a great sleeper, shocking I knoW?!

We have done a combo of co-sleeping, bedsharing and crib sleeping. And we have adapted as time goes on and she develops more and is able to soothe a bit better.

Well, this weekend I decided it was time for her to nap and start off the night in her crib. She's crawling and sleeping on our bed wasn't safe no matter what combo I tried. The last straw was her sleeping in her sidecar (her crib attached to the bed) and me sitting in the rocker nearby only to look up in the darkness from my laptop to see she woke up and was half way across the bed...talk about silent, sneaky crawling aka steath crawling!

So this weekend J put the side back on and I said many heartfelt prayers this would happen and easily with the fewest of tears!

Last night was a FAIL, I nursed her to sleep on our bed with the intention of moving her once she was asleep. Cut to me waking up at midnight with a baby nestled next to me.

So, needless to say she stayed with us last night.

This afternoon I tried again and this time I stayed awake...ha ha ha. After about 10 minutes I gently picked her up and laid her in her crib and snuck away... so far so good!

Her crib will probably stay in our room until the end of summer one because we have A/C and two because I want to work on night weaning and get her used to crib sleeping and then put her in her room.

Never would I have thought that I would have a 9 month old baby still sleeping in our room.

Does that make me a weak parent? I struggle with self doubt over her sleep issues but in the end I have decided that I am doing the right thing. Others have and do judge me for how we have dealt with this issue. I am sure it LOOKS like the easy way out. I will tell you its not. I do miss reading before bed or watching a movie with J before bed. However, I do love waking up and seeing her smiling sweet face. I feel like this experience has bonded us and made us closer as a little family.

Hey, if we let our dogs sleep with us why not a baby?! I knew it wouldn't be forever. Even the dogs have stopped sleeping with us. So everything has a phase right?!

Many have said I should just CIO, honestly no mom loves this idea but I will admit I have tried it. I was consistent and everything. I didn't let her cry too long but in the end I found she was hysterical, she wasn't self soothing, she wasn't learning how to self soothe and she was just a miserable mess.

In the end, I wanted her to trust me, feel reassured I would come when called and her needs would be met. This I feel has been accomplished. She is just coming out of her first round of seperation anxiety and I think that the approach I took was right for her. She is seperating from me much easier and going to relatives easier. She is sleeping better for the most part and without me or the boob.

Not that I want to congratulate myself but I feel like these little milestones can't be over looked. She excels in so many ways but the sleep has been our hurdle. Every baby has one. Whether its nursing/latching, eating solids, gaining weight or lack thereof, or sleep. Babies are people and they are individuals bottom line.

So, I am relishing my time as she sleeps and not taking it for granted :)

Happy 9 months my dear Isabel!

2011-06-18T11:27:00.001-07:00

Dear Isabel,
How is it possible that 9 months ago on a Saturday afternoon, about 2pm you were born? Doesn't seem possible that it was that long ago!

I have to say that much of the first few days were a blur but what I do remember is holding you and the awe I felt that your were my daughter. Amazing!

I would do it all over again to have you here!

Now that you are 9 months old, lets marvel in all that you can do!

You are eating all kinds of foods, currently smooshed peas, meatballs, chicken, yogurt and apple sauce are your favorites.

You can army crawl and scoot, with one leg

You can pull yourself up to a standing position

You are sleeping longer at night and dropping your 3rd nap

You can entertain yourself and play well with others

You love the water be it, the tub, pool, lake or beach, just like mama!

I love how expressive you are, so talkative in your babbles and you look right in my eyes and smile and giggle, makes me just melt!

You are a joy and I love you! Its so fun being your mom!
xo

Stay at home moms vs. Working moms

2011-06-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

'Its easier to be a stay at home mom than a working mom'

Someone said this to me the other day and their argument was that 'you don't need a degree to have and raise a baby'.

That may be true but to me that is the same as saying, if you can't get a degree, then you have a baby because that's all you can do.

Ugh!

I think that line of thinking is all WRONG!

Many if not all of my mom friends that stay at home, work part time or work at home are college educated. Others are not college educated.

To me, when it comes to raising a child its not the college degree or lack thereof that 'qualifies' you to be a mother. Its the devotion, love, instinct, desire and intuition that does.

In this day and age I feel like if a mom chooses to stay at home, she has to justify it. She will be judged by her peers including other working moms, friends and family like there must be some big reason a mom would want to stay home rather than using her degree or working. I guess its because its the norm now to go back to work than its expected and if you don't then maybe you'll be judged for being 'weak'.

Staying home in many ways today is a priveledge because it generally takes a two income family to make ends meet. I believe many moms that work would rather stay home if they could afford it. Some wouldn't and thats fine too.

Clearly, every situation is different and ever evolving. I had planned on going back to teaching 3 months after Isabel was born. Where am I now? Staying home with Isabel, working on my dissertation part time and not getting paid. While I was pregnant, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to stay home and I would TA p/t to make ends meet and cover childcare.

I am greatful and thankful I can stay home with Isabel. It was a wonderful and happy surprise to be able to. Do I worry about our bills or a big unexpected expense? yep, but for now we are making it work financially.

But I won't lie and say I didn't think I might be bored if I stayed home or feel like I was 'wasting' my mind or stalling on my dissertation of in the very least judged for not going back right away.

I can't say I have ever really been bored since Isabel has arrived. I might have had a few dull dreary wintery/spring afternoons but I have not ever sat and watched the clock tick. Our days have been busy, fun, hard work and exhausting but rewarding.

Have I ever watched J leave in the morning and felt wistful that I wasn't going too? Nope. And here is why:

1. Isabel's been a demanding baby that would not take a sub for mom easily from day one and I knew soon after she was born that if I could stay home (i.e. we could swing it) I would.

2. Physically and emotionally, it took alot to recover from her birth and literally didn't feel with it until she was at least 4 months old. I could not have fathomed going back to work before then, thank God I didn't have to.

3. There is plenty to do but J doesn't expect a clean house, meal on the table, errands done etc. I spend much of my day playing with Isabel, taking her out and doing play groups/dates, visiting the park, beach, library, bookstore, great grandparents etc. I do run errands, cook, clean and do laundry too but I try now to do most of the housework at night or during naps. Mostly because its easier with Isabel asleep and faster! Even though J wouldn't complain if the house was kept up, I take more pride it in. It actually gives me mini goals during the day. I fold a pile of laundry here, take out the trash and wipe the counters there. I don't feel like a housekeeper basically.

4. Getting out serves not just to stimulate Isabel but also breaks up my day, lets me interact with other moms and gives me social time. I have made an array of friends with babies Isabel's age or around there and we have created a great little community.

5. Even though its lower on the list, I am working on my dissertation. It might be going slower than I had hoped but I am plugging. Finishing is so important to me and I feel supported to be able to do it. Its a weird adjustment to go from a single focus of a PhD. to multitasking and working in smaller chunks of time, but I am doing it.

6. If I had already started my career, i.e. graduated and gone down the tenure track faculty apt. like I was planning, maybe I would feel more torn. Right now, I would have been writing my dissertation, probably TAing or working in a lab p/t but I don't have a 'job' per se waiting for me to return. Maybe if I did and I liked that job I would feel more torn. BUt right now I am working on my disseration and have a baby so it is sort of the best of both worlds.

7. I see my staying home time with Isabel as a phase of life. I don't forsee myself staying home until she goes to high school, pre-school yes or longer if we have a second one. But if we can afford it that's my plan. Otherwise, I see myself re-entering the work force then.

Would I judge a mom if she stayed at home till her kids went to high school or longer? No. Why? Because in a lot of ways it would be nice to be able to do that. However, I do want to finish what I have started, that is finish my degree and work in my field. Of course, that could change and I am learning to be flexible.

So going back to how mother's are judged in society. I think hands down working or not, educated or not mothers in general are judged differently than women that aren't mothers and men in the workforce. I think we still work and live in a male dominated society that doesn't value family like it should. I would even say moms are more judgemental of other moms than maybe anyone else. Not sure why that it is, maybe its the 'grass is always greener mentality'.

Anyway, I guess I have been thinking about it because I keep getting asked when I am going back to work, or what's next? Likely, because Isabel is almost a year and I guess its assumed a year is when I should go back to work. Maybe its that comment I heard. Or maybe its my own anxiety welling up about the need to get my dissertation completed.

Anway, I feel like I just want to say that even though the pace day to day may not be as stressful as when I was working full time or even if I was working and Isabel was in daycare but there are days or periods of time that are stressful and intense. Being home with a baby forces me to put my needs second, I don't get a sick day, vacation day, or lunch break for that matter. I do get a nap time to drink my coffee or check email. I make it work because right now, the pros out weigh the cons. I don't think of it as work but it is right? I don't think its fair that I have to justify what I do as enough compared to someone that works outside the home. But I feel I do most days.

Despite the fear of being judged and the unfairness that exists in society, I have no regrets about staying home, even if its only for a period of time in Isabel's life. I know God is working in my life, setting up the next step. I am not worrying about that now. I am still cherishing my time with her and working hard to just shrug off other people's opinions and/or expectations.

I feel like its not even worth the pissing contest of who's life/work is harder. I think working outside the home is hard, staying home is hard, heck, raising a baby no matter how you do it is HARD! But, I think we can all agree, the best job in the world!

If you got all the way through this you deserve a cookie ;)
xo

Feeling cooped up with a baby that won't sleep: 9 month sleep regression?!

2011-06-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know! Really, from what I have read it could be all of this and then some.

The last few nights Isabel has gone down for the night at 9pm, despite my efforts to get her down earlier and despite good day time naps.

What's making it worse is now she is waking up screaming and only wants to nurse to soothe and NOTHING else works, not rocking, shushing, daddy NADA.

I have tried Tylenol, pacifiers, walking around with her. Seriously, I am a tired mama.

My hope is that she going through a phase of sleep regression. She just got over being sick and she is possibly going to drop the 3rd nap (hopefully soon).

That 3rd nap is tricky, if she doesn't get it she will go to be earlier but still might wake up a bit before 9pm but be mostly asleep.

Last night I thought she was going to skip her 3rd nap so I put her down at 6:30 (late for a 3rd nap) and early for bed. She work up at 7pm raring to go and was up until 9pm.

Now that her crib is right next to me, she has been used to rolling over nursing for two seconds when she wakes up and rolling over to go back to sleep. But in the last few nights, she's woken up crying, nursed, cried and then stays nursing for comfort...FOREVER! I tried to get her to unlatch and sleep and that caused a fit at 4am....so I am not sure what is up with that.

I consider myself a parent that definetly leans more toward Attachment Parenting but and crying it out doesn't work for her. But when the AP route isn't even working then I feel stuck!

To make things more complicated, we have to stick around the house so I can keep an eye on Liam the Houdini of stitch removal. We have to wait 2 weeks before I can leave him alone. I don't trust him and he needs to heal. Besides it being rough for me to be inside all day, I know it affects Isabel's sleep. She just isn't as tired as when we go out and do stuff.

This sounds like a long list of complaints. I realize that and its not meant to. I just love staying home with Isabel but its funny how being cooped up can affect my mood especially when its nicer weather and not winter!

Thankfully, J has been a saint, playing with her and feeding her and giving me a break. Friends have been stopping by too, that helps alot!

We will manage!

Beach babe..just like her mama

2011-06-11T18:18:00.000-07:00

This week Isabel and I went to beach with our friends Crystal and Jameson. It was a fun day minus the beach meltdown over sun in her eyes, poopy diaper and being overtired! All in all a good time!

She loves splashing and kicking in that water, just like her mama!

Crocodile tears, runny noses and hot weather...what a mix!

2011-06-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday did not go according to plan, but does it ever?!

Brent was going to come by in the morning to go over my dissertation progress and so I worked hard to get Isabel to nap so I could concentrate.

She took 2 short naps in the span of time that Brent was supposed to be here. He forgot.

That's kind of a bummer when you have a baby and are working to schedule stuff.

He called later and asked to come in the afternoon.

Bingo.

I figured she would take her second nap and then we could work and talk.

She was just dropping off to sleep when he called that he was coming over.

Perfect.

He walks in the door and of course Isabel wakes up.

She's overtired, runny nose and hot.

I try to distract her and juggle her while we talk.

I tried her in the high chair feeding her Mum Mums like they were going out of business

I sat her on the floor to play

Put her in her pack and play

Gave her a sippy cup.

NOTHING WORKED.

She was wailing this pitiful sickie sad tearful mournful cry.

Oh the guilt.

I tried so hard to take it in stride because Brent was there and I didn't want it to seem like I was all wrapped up in my baby. And yet, all I wanted to do was nurse her and comfort her and tell him to go.

In the end she calmed enough to get some stuff done but I felt so discouraged.

I can do this. I can handle a baby and my dissertation. I feel like Brent won't see that now because I had a baby melting down and I was spilt for attention.

If he had come in the morning it would have been better. Next time, I will have my mother's helper watch her and I will go to campus.

Still, I felt defeated. Like motherhood was kicking my butt. I shouldn't be so hard on myself because he changed the time and I had an unexpectedly sick kid. I did my best.

I will press on, I will overcome my defeated feelings somehow and work hard. I always finish what I start. ALWAYS.

So after he left, Isabel was way over tired so I put her in the car with the dogs and just drove. AC up, music going and just drove. Well, I stopped for coffee.

It was all I could do. Liam and Ladybug enjoyed the treat of a ride and Isabel slept. She woke up much cheerier and like nothing ever happened, though her nose was still running like a faucet.

She ended up going down early last night and was ok last night, but did need a stint in the steamy shower to stop coughing at 2am.

Today, she is fine. I am thankful but doesn't it figure?!

Anyway, what I took away is that my daughter is the most important thing, impressing my boss with my mothering skills is not. I couldn't control the situation, it was out of my hands and I did the best I could.

Its hard to let go of my feelings of defeat because as a woman in science, I never wanted to be looked at as weak because I was married, have a baby or a life outside of work.

Ah well, a fight for another day. I will keep plugging.

Catching up by numbers

2011-06-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

Its been a bit hectic lately with being sick and Isabel being sick and Liam's surgery so I thought I would catch you up in a fun way! Taking a hint from my sister's blog!

1. Today was the 1st time Isabel dipped her toes in the ocean, to hear her squeal with delight was worth the poopy diaper dipped in sand episode that followed!

2. Two days in a row I have been on this diet change and cutting down my carbs and upping protein/veggies

3. The number of miles I walked with Isabel today and yesterday, I went to the beach with a friend today and we walked there and back with our babes...it was worth it!

4. Number of blisters I have on my feet!

5. How many days it took for Liam to break through his bandage and rip out his stitches...ugh I was just at the vet yesterday to have his leg checked when this happened today. Thank God I came home early enough to get him to the vet...btw we are on a first name basis at the vet. They really are AWESOME!!!

Ironically, thats also the # of quills he had in his paw!

6. Is the # of carb servings I can have a day (not including fruit)...sigh doesn't feel like many!

7. The number of teeth Isabel is working on or has in her head right...now! She went from 2 to 7 like over night!

8. # of months old my baby girl is!! Really? Where does the time go? She's army crawling now and says, mama, da, and signs 'more'...go Isabel! She is such a sweet babe!

I really could go on and on but I am forcing myself to write my dissertation...clearly you can see my priorities: Blog 1st, dissertate 2nd ;)

Fingers crossed my babe sleeps so I can get some work done tonight! Pictures to follow of our adventure to the sea tomorrow!

Getting rid of the dissapointment

2011-06-01T05:31:00.000-07:00

So to follow up my thoughts on a vbac and c-sections, I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't talk about getting past the dissapointment I felt after my c/s. I guess I would say I had fleeting dissapointment while it was happening but the overall relief of Isabel's arrival overshadowed it. However, some doubt and feelings of dissapointment have crept in over time.

I don't want it to seem like I sit around and have a pity party because I had a c/s and it just happened to get infected. Actually, while it was all going on my focus was Isabel, her health and less on my own health. I said over and over, I am glad nothing happened to her. Because let's be honest, so much can happen during birth that can be life threatening for her/a baby.

I am thankful I got the experience of labor, one of my dear friends had a breech baby and didn't get the chance to labor. This probably sounds crazy to moms that have been through labor to wish she got to labor but I am sure she wanted to.

So, I am proud of how I progressed through labor and pushed and tried my best to deliver her on my own. I am thankful for that chance and felt dissapointed in myself I couldn't get her out.

In the end, it just wasn't meant to be. I am thankful she was born safely, she was and is healthy and didn't suffer because I stubbornly wanted her to come out vaginally. Not that I think the doctors would have let me try for much longer because of my fever.

Still because I had GD they had warned I would be more at risk for c/s because of her potential size anyway. So really, labor wasn't a given.

I guess now looking back, I try not to dwell on the what ifs and just relish that she is here and focus on the now.

Still, its hard to shake my experience and I am greatful that my mom friends that had c/s since and before me had much more 'uneventful' ones than me!

IF we ever have another baby and he/she is delivered c/s if the vbac fails or I chose to repeat c/s I won't be dissapointed. Because in the end what matters is that we have a child. Right?

I am working on letting go of the feeling of being judged for having a c/s because I percieve that people think I didn't try hard enough to have her vaginally. I don't always go into detail about her birth with everyone and nor should I feel the need to justify but still...I think I want to feel like folks don't think I just gave up and went with the 'easier' choice of c/s. I don't think any mother in labor thinks major surgery is the easier choice.... I could be wrong but I don't think so.

Anyway, moving on thats what I am doing. Focusing on the here and now (hard to do sometimes) but as a wise person once said 'pity parties have a start and an end just like a regular party ;)'

VBAC, I would consider it

2011-05-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

Amazingly,7 out of 10 of my friends have had c-sections within the last year. Thats not including me.

I guess given what I went through during my c-section I would like to avoid another c-section and the risk it could happen again.

I am not saying I would risk my baby's health just so I could have a simpler delivery, no way.

But I guess I have been thinking alot about it lately. Actually, the events around Isabel's birth keep coming back to me in the last few days.

It could be because my last 3 friends that had babies delivered via c-section and knowing what I know now about the risks, I am concerned for them and their recovery.

Its not like they are handing out c-sections like its the soup du jour. Nor do I think it reflects on the mama delivering (they are a mama no matter how the baby is born in my book). I think today, there is alot more doctors know about the baby's health leading up to delivery and there is less chance of risk to the baby during delivery because c-sections can be done.

In the end its about their health as much as the mom's. Its nice to think that all births end in a vaginal delivery and yet no matter how hard all 7 of us tried it just wasn't going to happen. Does that mean in the 'olden days' these babies/mommas would have died in childbirth?

Possibly...scary thought.

Are doctors more like to take the c-section risk over the loss of baby and a law suit

Definetly.

Replaying the events in my head, I would lying if I didn't feel alot of 'if onlys'. Like if only I didn't get chorioamnitis when I was in labor or 'if only I waited in the epidural so I could stand up and make her descend faster' or 'if only I pushed harder in the 25m they gave me (now I know its a dream to think I would have pushed her out sunny side up and all but still).

Is it worth looking back and wishing it were different? Probably not.

Why does my brain keep replaying my experience even when the c-sections aren't happening to me?

I have been told its because my subconscience doesn't know fact from fiction and thinks its still happening to me.

Ugh, I say, Ugh.

I feel like if I could have a second baby, a v-bac would be my first choice. However, I know even if I want to have it, it may not work a second time.

Isabel was sunny side up so even if I didn't have the infection she was getting stuck on my pelvis. Also, she wasn't huge (8lbs) but if she were smaller she may have fit through faster...who knows.

I am a candidate at my hospital if there is at least 9mo. between births (there definelty will be because I am not pregnant now ;)

I mean it would be harder if I went through labor and still had a c-section like with Isabel but at least I would get the chance to try it again without the infection(s).

I guess it helps to know I have options at least.

Down time with the H

2011-05-28T07:26:00.001-07:00

Its hard to come by these days, not gonna lie.

Balancing, work, home, and baby is harder than I think other couples let on. But most 2nd and 3rd time parents give the knowing nod when I say its hard to get 'us' time anymore.

Its not that I lived in a bubble fantasy land thinking that the baby would sleep for hours and we would have tons of uninterupted cuddle time but here is how our beautiful daughter has changed things.

One of us usually goes to bed when she does, mostly do to the long work day/baby care all day tiredness. On the rare night we both stay up, I am usually on my computer in front of the TV working or catching up on life via Facebook, my blog, email etc. And J, is usually passed out within 30-45m on the couch.

Its ok because, thats sort of my 'me' time most days and just having J up and not in bed is nice. There are some nights (we can't plan it usually but we do get to stay up and watch a movie or something together which is nice and I wish we could do this more often).

Dinners...heck meals together are a challenge to eat solo....although with Isabel taking solids, I can stick her in her high chair and she will most of the time eat with us, unless its after 7pm and then she's winding down for bed.

Working in the yard was one of our favorite things to do together and now one of us juggles her, she's either napping so one of us is inside or she needs to be played with, which now that its nice out she can sit on a blanket and play while one of us works.

Mornings are different too, we used to get up and get going, now one of us usually J, gets up with her and plays with her while I catch a few more zzz's or have my COFFEE, which is needed desperatly! On the weekends they usually take her nap together which is sweet and frees me up to get stuff done.

Its amazing what I can do in 30m around the house when its all the free time I get! I can clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, feed the dogs and or make a meal...go me ;)

This may sound complainy, its not mean to. Actually, its just amazing how a little girl can change our lives so completely, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

I do wish we got more us time where J wasn't so tired and we could actually maybe go out...*gasp* when was the last time I was out at night especially without Isabel? Ummmmm not since her birth ;)

Anyway, I think I need to hit up the Aunties for some babysitting...just wish sometimes we didn't live just that far away such that night baby sitting is too hard.

Ah yes, I hear my 'children' stirring from their nap so I am off to check on them and hop in the shower before its too late!

What shall we do with the baby-o?

2011-05-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

This little song is stuck in my head as it is Isabel's new favorite song we sing. We are fortunate that we were able to do two sessions of Kindermusik starting in January with a wonderful and talented woman, Miss Jody.

At first, I will be honest, I was thinking music for a 4 month old? Really? How much can she absorb from this?

It was at 9am in a town 25m away in January?!

Well, my gung ho group of mom friends were up for it and they lived further away than me so we all gave it a go.

At first, I thought that it wasn't going to be all that exciting for Isabel and we were given the CD with the music so it felt like alot of money for a CD I could just use at home.

Well, I was wrong.

The best parts of class were this:
-Continuity, we went every Wednesday and it soon became routine
-We played the CD in the car and I would pick songs (there were like 32+ songs so I thankfully had choices) and sing to her in the car, at home, to distract her from crying.
-Soon she would recognize the songs and light up and when J would start singing them she would light up and it was like she was thinking 'Hey he knows them too?!'
-Miss Jody introduced signing in class, she has been introduced to 'more', 'thank you', 'music', 'ball' 'all done','mommy', and 'daddy'.

-After class we started a tradition of going to Panera, which has evolved from us mom getting coffee and chatting while the babies Bf'd or slept to us putting them in high chairs with solids and us trying to get a bit in for ourselves ;) (still fun)

Of course there were drawbacks:
- She's missed class from being sick and she's likely been exposed to germs through class (I know we are lucky with only 2 big illnesses so far)
-Sometimes class felt repetitive or Isabel was tired because for a while she was in a napping at 9am phase

Over all though I am amazed at how much she absorbed from the class. Just how much she has developed from not being able to sit to sitting and reaching and almost crawling now!

She would listen with rapt attention (as do the other babies) to Miss Jody. Isabel would anticipate the music and learned to roll a ball, tap two objects together, pat the floor and play peekaboo.

Today, music class ended for the school year and there is a summer session I think we will do it will be in 2 months so we are done for a while. I felt alittle sad we were done today. Isabel has absorbed so much. I can see it at home. The way she lights up when we sing the songs from class, or she will clap, tap or roll the ball. Its just amazing! She is copy catting now too and it makes everything more fun.

I am so glad we did this class even though at first it was hard dragging a sometimes fussy, 4 month old out in the middle of winter in the morning no less to class. It was always better once we were out anyway.

Plus, I had my mom friends to help me out. I also got over breastfeeding in public through this too, pumping was too hard in the morning so we just nursed on the go. It was quite liberating.

Anyway, I am glad we go to have this experience because I feel like I learned alot about how to interact with her in an age approriate way. I have learned what she is capable of and I have watched her develop and grow!

So fun! I am just loving these moments. Precious moments in time. I can't help but gush!

One other funny story: This week I was pumping gas (something I usually avoid with her b/c she hates being the car for long anyway). Well, I guess I hit it just right because I played peekaboo with her in her car seat. The windows were up because of the rain but I could see her little body bouncing as she giggled with glee as we played. What a fun interaction, I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

So here's to you my FINALLY sleeping baby!

"What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o if she won't go to sleepy-o?

Wrap her up in calico, Wrap her up in calico, Wrap her up in calico and send her to her daddy-o.

"What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o if she won't go to sleepy-o?

'Wiggle her chin and tickle her toes, 'Wiggle her chin and tickle her toes,'Wiggle her chin and tickle her toes, Dress her up in silly clothes.

"What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o if she won't go to sleepy-o?

"Fold her up in a tableclothe, "Fold her up in a tableclothe, "Fold her up in a tableclothe, Send her up to the old hay loft.

"What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o? What shall we do with the baby-o if she won't go to sleepy-o?

"Swing her north and swing her south, "Swing her north and swing her south, "Swing her north and swing her south, Put alittle honey in her mouth!

I miss her

2011-05-20T07:26:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up to a smiling little face, it was if her double ear infection dissappeared...not only did she wake up in a good mood but she woke up late AND is now down for a nap! Woof, its a relief thats she's feeling so much better!

Today marks two years since my Nonna passed away. That day is seared in my mind forever, getting the news from my sister while I sat on the front steps of my house and cried. Shortly after it sank in I rushed to write a blog post that would capture my Nonna . I wasn't trying to capture my feelings of grief but of the love and cherished memories of her. While they were fresh in case they faded.

I am glad I wrote that post as we used part of it for her eulogy. But the memories and cherished moments have not dulled or faded.

She lives in my hear everyday.

One tangible way is by her name. Isabel or Isabella or 'sabella as those close to her would call her.

We chose the name Isabel as a tribute to her and though I wish she could have known when she was alive I was planning to do this, I know she is honored just the same.

Every time I look at my Isabel, I see my Nonna. Not just because her name reminds me of her but she has my Nonna's lips.

I know it sounds crazy but my dad pointed this out. She has a little white 'divit' I am not sure what its called but its on her bottom lip and its the same as Nonna's.

No one else in my family has it but now Isabel does. How special is that?

THis time last year I was feeling so sad that Isabel wasn't born sooner so that Nonna could meet her. But now that Isabel is here, I feel like Nonna is living on through her and in our hearts.

I know she would be so proud of her, she would call her 'booba bella' or however its spelled. She would sing to her in Italian and have fun feeding her noodles with sauce and pinching her cheeks.

She made not be here to do it in person but we all are. Its been so amazing to see how my family have picked up these little things and do them. Especially my dad. Its the sweetest and makes my heart melt to see how much he loves her.

No one can replace my Nonna and yet alittle bit of her is living inside all that knew and loved her.

We will carry on her legacy, her traditions and her loving ways. I can still hear her voice, see her face and feel her love in my heart.

She was a loving, kind, wise and talented lady that had a big heart and lots of love. She wouldn't want us to be sad for her and mourn so long but its hard not to when she was just such a special lady we all feel that deep sense of loss still.

So, I know I will always miss her and wish she were here I know that she still is.
I am honoring her memory in little ways:
Sowing basil seeds in the spring
Teaching Isabel how to make sauce, meatballs and pizza
Feeding her these things too ;)
I sing little songs to her
I tell her all about Nonna and show her pictures

These are little things but its special just the same. If I look around at all the people that loved her especially my dad and sisters, I can see how she affected them and how she influenced each of them.

She would always say 'I am just a lil' old lady' and I would say 'But you are the best, you are my Nonna' and she would smile that warm smile that even shown in her eyes.

We love you Nonna, we miss you and your 'lil Isabel' will grow up knowing all about you, I promise!
xoxoxo

Eight Months

2011-05-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have an eight month old.

For some reason that sounds old to me!

Too bad we spent her 8 month birthday sickie and miserable!

However, it makes me reflect on just how far was have come and just what she can do now!

How has she changed?
Her hair is turning blonder and thicker and curls at the ends!
Her eyes are turning hazel...maybe brown in the end?

What can she do?
She can copycat: she watches and mimics, sucking noises, tsk tsk and she can pat her mouth with her hand and make noise like oh-oh-oh its hilarious! Gonna try to catch that on the Flip! She also babbles constantly and says mamamamama, rararara (dadada-ish) and uhoh!

She can:
roll over and over in each direction
scoot her body in a circle
push up to rock on all 4s but no crawling yet
jumps like a pro in her jumperoo
push backward in her walker

What does she eat?
Anything in her teether bag and she loves to self feed
peaches, apples, pears, squash, sweet potato, oatmeal are her faves
rice cereal, chicken, turkey, yogurt, peas and green beans make her gag! And I thought I wouldn't have a picky baby!

Really doesn't seem possible that 8 months have gone by! But seeing the flowering trees budded and grass turning grean and the lilacs about to bloom I guess it is spring. In a way it is hard for me to deal with this season change. Mostly because it reminds me of the fall and how hard that time was.

So even though Isabel is thriving and I am physically healed, I am still healing emotionally. Each month that goes by it gets easier and I am thankful for me life, my baby, my husband and my loving family.

Now if we can just kick Isabel's double ear infection, that would be great because a sickie baby is no fun at all!

So, on to another fun month of watching you grow and change we go! Onward I say! I love you my dear one, just don't grow up too fast! I will be right there though, taking in each moment and loving you. What a special honor it is to be a mama, your mama! Its the best!

Ten minutes at a time

2011-05-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I hit a low point while in the doctor's office. Isabel was feverish and miserable, I had to wake her up from a nap to get to my apt. and I just felt horrible too.

My doctor was trying to give me a nebulizer treatment for my bronchitis and I was holding Isabel, who was screaming her head off because the noise was scaring her.

I turned off the machine and stepped out into the hall and just said I needed to go. My doctor was sweet about it but seriously, I felt like a terrible mom. I know I wasn't and I needed to take care of myself but seriously, it felt like a scene.

We get home after stopping at the drug store for meds and her eyes are goopy and green, she's gagging on mucus, I am coughing my head off and I am alone.

I manage to get meds into her, lay her down to nurse and call the on-call dr. to make sure the gagging is ok.

J is at work which feels like a zillion miles away, he is sick as a dog too. I am not sure why I thought him being home would help because all Isabel wanted was her mama. Her mama albeit sick just wanted to help her baby.

In the middle of it all, I call my mom who reminds me of this one good point:
"Take it 10 minutes at a time, if you can get through 10 minutes, you can get through it all."

It sounded simple but as we talked and I watched Isabel drifting off to sleep, 10 minutes passed and it felt more doable.

The nurse called back and said the gagging was mucus related and warned she might throw up if she hadn't already.

Glad she warned me because J walked in the door shortly thereafter to see me with a rosy cheeked, goopey eye'd, snotty nosed, sickie baby that gagged as he walked in the door and puked milk projectile over my shoulder.

I shrugged and just bent down and wiped it up.

J, was probably a bit shocked at the scene he was walking into.

When he left in the morning, Isabel was just feverish with sniffles.

Now she had morphed into a barely recognizable version of herself and I don't think he realized what I had been through all day.

Anyway, we gave her a bath, got her to bed and tried to catch our breath.

Usually, when she is sick I say I wish it were me, but now we are both sick and its not a winning combo. In fact, we are all sick and its kicking our butts!

God is good, He doesn't give us more than we can handle and we will come through it. He is giving me strength that is NOT my own. Somehow I am muddling through without sleep, sick myself and still making milk and caring for Isabel as usual.

Amazing.

If it was pre-baby I would probably be home on the couch feeling sorry and sick but instead I am sucking it up and taking care of the lil one like its just another day.

God definetly gives moms 'super strength' when we need it thats for sure.

I am not a SUPER mom but with God, I can do anything, even if its just 10 minutes at a time.

Savoring the moments

2011-05-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

I could spent this whole blog complaining about the fact that in addition to being tired from work and taking care of Isabel I have bronchitis and a sinus infection but I won't.

Colds and sickness happen....in this case NOT sharing would be caring ;) Its funny how J and I seem to get sick at the same time like we never have before. I sometimes refer to Isabel as our 'lil vector'! Tee hee some Bio humor!

Lately, I have been noticing just how much Isabel is changing. She will be 8 months this week! Wow.

She can pick up food with a pincer grip, she takes a paci to nap and nighttime, she babbles so much, her babbles sounds like a real conversation she is trying to have with me. She can rock on hands and knees and pull herself up and she's a rolling machine wonder how long it will be till she's truly mobile?

It seems like yesterday I was rocking her in the recliner day and night. Nursing and shhhhing and swaddling and nuzzling.

She is growing so fast and I feel like I can barely absorb it all.

One regret I do not have is that I put chores and errands on hold and was able to give her my undivided attention. As hard as it was NOT to do the dishes, cook, clean and run around, she needed me. Demanded me and only me most times.

Precious little else mattered.

Now she is becoming more independent, sitting and playing, jumping in her jumperoo, scooting in her walker and feeding herself little morsels of food in her high chair.

All of these milestones are so important albeit bittersweet. I want her to grow up healthy and strong and not held back at all. So I keep my 'mommy wants her baby to stay little forever' feelings aside and watch her blossom.

I came across this poem and it rang true for me:

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo

But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren’t his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Balancing work and being a mom....its been a long week

2011-05-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

So I have been working everyday with the goal of getting 2h of work done a day, be it during Isabel's nap or after she goes to bed.

It sounds easy right? I worked a second job for many years of college and after so no problem right?!

Ugh.... it wouldn't be if my first job, my darling Isabel wasn't a 24h a day job!

I am glad to be making progress but I have been so tired trying to get this all done.

I am giving myself the next 4 months to write my dissertation and I am just in the stats analysis phase. But so far so good so I remain optimistic.

That's not to say that its not gonna suck! I know what I have to do, I just have to do it.

I have been feeling alot of pressure to finish so I am doing my best to make progress.

Its a challenge though because Isabel isn't exactly reliable with naps and bedtime.

What I am trying hard not to do is resent her when she doesn't nap, its not her fault! But the way I look at it is spending time working alittle while she sleeps is better than not being home with her. So, I am doing what I have to do, even if *yawn* its tiring!

Is it wrong to encourage a paci now?

2011-05-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

So Friday I got inspired to try slipping a paci in right after Isabel dropped off to sleep to see if I could get her to 'comfort suck' with it instead of me.

Don't get me wrong I love the bonding that comfort nursing provides but its nice to get away while she naps.

Which by the way has come along way. I am now putting her down around 9am and 1pm (trying to be home then or around then because she seemed to just start this napping pattern on her own). She's having trouble napping while we are out even on me. She will sometimes nap in her stroller or car if the timing is right and otherwise she won't at all. She likes to fall asleep sidelying with me next to her with her in her crib and me on the bed.

There are pros and cons to a baby that wants to nap regularly (something I never had until now) and one that will sleep on the go. On one had the routine is nice and I get me time as opposed to being out and about because she wasn't regular with naps. Socialization with friends is going to change but that means my Phd. could get worked on during the day so thats great!

Ok, so back to the paci. We have EVERY.KIND.INVENTED. She liked soothies in the beginning but gave it up when her first teeth came in and won't take one till now. So it was just a fluke I guess that the one I tried worked. Figures I only have 1 or 2 of this kind. Might have to buy a couple more if this keeps up! ;)

So, its probably bad she's taking one for nap and night time but at the same time she was using me so its kind of the same right? I feel like she won't need this forever but if it works for now so be it!

She doesn't just suck on it during the day and thats fine. I feel like its getting her over the hump and helping her sleep. I am thankful!

She looks more like a baby with one though! Love her and love that she is sleeping better for her mama ;)

Reflecting on what it means to be a mom on Mother's Day

2011-05-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up at 8am to a cheerful smiling sweet baby girl. What a joy! The sun was shining, J was smiling and it was such a sweet and poingant moment.

This time last year, it was a sticky hot Sunday, we were trying out new churches and we enjoyed the service with some friends even though we knew this wasn't the church for us. I remember feeling, hot, out of my comfort zone and big...little did I know I would be getting MUCH MUCH bigger ;)

Even though at the time I thought of myself as a mom, I didn't have the baby in my arms yet. Some folks wished me a happy mother's day (I do believe this counts if you are pregnant or adopting-in-progress).

This year its real, I have a sweet baby girl that I love to the moon and back in my arms.

Its been years in the making.

I have been yearning to be a mom for about 8 years and to have this precious baby makes nothing else matter.

Did I get showered with gifts? Pampered with pedicures, breakfast in bed?

Nope.

I got up made chocolate chip pancakes for me and my hunny while he played with Isabel. I got a nice warm hot shower...no pedi though and two sweet cards, one from Isabel and one from J. We went to church, I made homeade pizza for lunch and currently Isababe is napping.

*Bliss*

For me, Mother's day isn't about the gifts, spending money or bragging about my loot.

I have the most precious gift anyone could ask for and she is sleeping peacefully a few feet away.

That is all I wanted.

After all that we went through to get her here, the pregnancy, gestational diabetes, my life threatening infection. It was worth it. I would do it 10,000x more times.

She's a strong, resilient, determined, sweet, funny, curious and lovable little girl.

I am thankful for my mom, her sacrifice to get me well, her dedication to me and Isabel and the example that's she's been all my life.

I am thankful for my 'mom away from moms' that I have had while in college, grad school and here. They have shaped me, nurtured me and loved me.

I am thankful for my mom friends, the ones on the frontline of motherhood, they are wise, full of advice and 'in the know' when it comes to breastfeeding, new gadgets and pedi recommendations.

But now its my turn, to be the mom, to make the call and to mother my daughter. Such an awesome responsibility.

But I am ready, look at the guidance and support and love I have! I wanna share all that with my Isabel Ann.

I know I was blogging about her being high needs, but it doesn't matter, I am not complaining. She is who she is and I would not change any of it!

I do feel like I had a little practice mothering with the addition of my kitties and pups. Especially true this week with Liam and Ladybug getting into it with a porcupine.

Anyway, I am relishing motherhood every minute and thankful for the gift God gave me more than any flowers, candy, spa treatment or gadget could ever do!

xoxoxo Mom, Grandma and my Nonna, you all shaped me and made me the mom I am becoming today!

Attitude

2011-05-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

I say this all the time but its never more true than now that a good attitude is just as contagious as a bad attitude but MUCH harder to adopt.

In any social interaction whether its work, church, mom's groups, family its easy to get sucked into gossip, begrudging your s/o or husband, negative attitude about life and to be judgemental.

I struggle with all of this as I am a people pleaser. I find myself adopting an attitude similar to my peer group sometimes as a way to fit in. Terrible right? But I think we all do this to a degree to assimilate.

I think its the most challenging right now for me because I am out of my normal work life. Isabel is my job and (well my PhD. is too but I don't interact with people when I am writing ;) Anyway, when I get out and about with friends that are moms that's my social interaction on most days. Its a nice break and fun to spend time with familiar faces and watch our kids grow up. We share tips, woes and lots of fun with music group, story time, play dates, walks and even shopping trips to the mall.

However, I find myself adopting the moods of others, if one of us is having a bad day I find I start to get into a bad mood. I think its only natural especially because emotions are so tied to our sleep status...most of us run on E when it comes to sleep (we don't get alot). So, its easy for me to start complaining about Isabel's sleeplessness, J's job and how long his hours are and lack of fun me time. I should note I do this with family and church friends too.

Usually, this kind of stuff doesn't get to me, its part and parcel of being a mom and I signed on knowing the pros and the cons. Most of the time the pros way out weigh the cons and I can shrug this petty stuff off.

Lately, I have been challenging myself to be a good attitude friend, trying to see the positive in my friend's situations, be empathetic but not feed into negative talk. Its hard. There are days all I want to do is gripe, sometimes I do.

However, like my therapist has said with my PTSD when I get down: 'you can have a pity party every day if you want but parties have a start and end time so you must end your pity party and move on each day'. Good advice I think.

I have been applying this to my everyday life. Would I love to have a textbook easy baby? Maybe in some ways but I wouldn't trade Isabel for nights of sleep, fussiless days or anything else she does thats trying because she has an awesome personality, full of zest, curiousity and love. She can't help she is alittle more needy.

I have a great life, I get to raise my daughter with J, we have a terrific little family with the cats and dogs. We have a cute little house, lovely neighborhood and family that love us and Isabel.

This is what matters right?!

So let your attitude be positive, it rubs off! I feel like this a way I can let my Light shine through for Christ. He calls us to be a light not to be hidden:

Matthew 5:14-16“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

So if I can let my light shine through a positive attitude then I know my light is shining through for our Lord and I am choosing to be a good witness. I never really feel better when I succoumb to the griping. Never have. Actually I usually feel worse after and brood the rest of the day. It doesn't matter if its now or when I was working the effect was the same. So that's my challenge!

Adopt a good attitude and see how it changes you! And maybe others around you ;)

I think I have a high needs baby

2011-05-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so most babies are needy right? Every baby is unique right? So what makes me think Isabel is 'high needs'?

First, what does it mean to be high needs? Dr. Sears defines it as having these characteristics:
1. IntenseMake their needs known in a very loud, definitive way. Are passionate about what they want and don’t want, and if you’re not quick to meet their needs, they’ll let you have it. They cry loudly, but the flip side is that they also voice their pleasure loudly.
We call Isabel a 0 to 60 baby because she can go from happy to sad or vice versa in 60 seconds! From day one when she was hungry we all knew it and had to respond quickly or hysterics would ensue...and if I let that happen it might snow ball into 2-3h of misery.

2. HyperactiveIn constant motion, may have stiff or tense muscles, seldom quiet or still, and may even resist being held or cuddled(this doesn't apply to me but does if someone is holdering her that she doesn't want hold her is trying to hold her).

3. DrainingHigh needs babies wear you down! They definitely keep you on your toes, and may leave little time for you to recharge your batteries. Because they often don't sleep well, there is no consistent or predictable down time for you, the parent. This can be extremely tiring and frustrating.
Isabel is always in motion and I thought all babies were this way until I started having playdates with other babies her age to see that she was the only one up when all the other babies were napping!

4. Feeds frequentlyHigh needs babies may desire to nurse or bottle feed more frequently. And you may also wish to feed more frequently to pacify your baby. I have heard from many parents that their high needs baby was in the top percentile for weight due to the high frequency of feedings.
We call her the snacky baby

5. DemandingThis is the child that lets you know, very loudly, what she needs. If you don't get to her right away, she is quick to voice her displeasure. She feels her needs very strongly and knows how to get them met.
See #1! She knows what she wants and she wants it now!

6.Awakens frequentlySleeps in short stretches and may also have trouble falling asleep. she's generally a cat napper and once in a while surprises me with a 2h stretch once in a while

7.UnsatisfiedNo matter what you do, your baby may still be grumpy, unhappy, or discontent, even if you've tried every calming technique you can think of. Dr. Sears encourages parents to realize when they've done all they can, and that the rest is up to their baby. This was her from 0-3.5 months and they she got alot better and easier to please and predict! Months 4-7 have been so much better as far as this goes!

8.UnpredictableOne day she falls asleep when you rock her, the next she doesn't. You're able to calm her by feeding her one night, but the next night she shrieks when you try to feed her. He sleeps through the night for a few days, and then is up 3+ times the next few nights. We jokingly call our little guy manic depressive because he can go from calm and content and smiling one second to red-faced screaming the next. Yea she is pretty much like this all her life so far!

9. Super-sensitive
Extremely sensitive to their environment and external stimuli. They are constantly observing the world around them, and prefer to be at home, or in a calm and familiar environment. They may startle easily, and are very sensitive to pain or discomfort. DOESN'T APPLY TO HER

10. Can’t put baby downThese babies prefer to be held and in constant motion. They may resist sleeping alone, or being relegated to their stroller or bouncy chair. They prefer human touch and movement. High Needs babies tend to do very well when being 'worn' in slings or baby carriers. The Moby, Bjorn and Ergo are my friends and she does like her jumperoo and walker and swing but hated to be alone for long and still doesn't love being put down. In the beginning she napped on me and did best when worn!

11.Not a self-sootherThese are the babies that need help to fall asleep. While other babies may be able to drift peacefully off to sleep in their cribs, some babies need to be gently taught how to relax and fall asleep on their own. This may not come until a little later in infancy. This is the biggest struggles we have, she has a tough time at night and staying asleep for naps. Car rides are tough too because she can't soothe herself. But its starting to get b etter.

12. Separation sensitiveSome babies definitely prefer the company of their primary caregivers. It may be difficult to leave them with babysitters or even have someone else hold them. They are deeply attached to their parents as they know that these are the people who meet their needs. She is my cling-on and though that's the sweetest feeling in the world she has a tough time going to J and other close family members easily. I know that its hard for them and for me because I would love a break and a chance for them to spend time with her. It fluctuates though and some days she is fine other days all she wants is momma all day/night long.

14. Outgoing:Loves to be around people, noise and activity
While some high need babies do best in quiet, calm environments, what I hear from many, many parents is that their baby actually prefers being in crowds, surrounded by people and activity. They may cry and fuss significantly more in the quiet of their own homes. The activity and drone of crowds or traffic seem to soothe them, and they may even fall asleep. Friends and family may not believe your stories of crying and fussing because these babies appear so easy-going and content when in public. She loves to be out and about if she is close to me so we do have a playdate/outing planned for everyday of the week. I think she is very well adapted to being out and does great when we are out most of the time! This is a saving Grace

I am not complaing about my darling Isabel but I feel like after looking back at the last 7 months I feel like I am starting to figure her out. I see how very different she is from her cohort but what makes her different is what makes her special. She is vivacious, out going, developing early and so expresssive. She is full of zest, love and curiousity. For the struggles I have with leaving her, the sleep issues and her attachment to me its all worth it. I am thankful I can stay home with her. Many mom friends tell me she would adjust BUT I am just not sure how she would do and what it would do to her. In a while I could see her in pre-school but right now being with me seems best.

Appreciating what you have

2011-05-02T15:27:00.000-07:00
This morning at 5am Liam and Ladybug were quilled by a porcupine...not a great way to wake up when you see your beloved puppies with so many quills in their faces they look like they have goatees. Only to see that there were more were sticking out of their chests and legs like accupuncture needles.

I have to say I am getting better at the 'not panicking' thing. I think J and I both have. We reacted calmly, getting the dogs to settle down, calling the e-vet and I ran and got J's clothes and off he went all in about 5 minutes. Thinking back, maybe we should have waited for our vet to open but it would have been a long 3 hrs till it opened.

Of course, the baby woke up and I had to put her back down and just hope and pray they would be ok.

They were put under anesthesia and de-quilled and seemed ok even though Liam was limping around after he came home.

It figures that today, I was running around with two Dr. apts. I came home in the afternoon to find Liam in the same spot I left him. Ladybug was sprinting about but Liam was not himself. Ugh. I called and got pain meds and antibiotics for him.

But by 4pm he just wasn't himself and limped all the way upstairs to me. I was in Isabel's room playing her and a friend with her baby and he just looked so pathetic I decided to take him back into the vet.

Sure enough, he has more quills in his leg that needed to come out. I managed to carry him to the car but the vet carried him in. I had a sinking feeling.

I think it was that moment when I felt like life was getting away from me a bit.

My family started off when I adopted Chloe and Zoe my kitties who I moved heaven and earth for to bring them home for holidays.

Next came Ladybug once J and I got married. I fretted over how my girls would accept a dog and if they would feel snubbed? Would I have enough time for them all to get the same amount of attention?

Sure, it was an adjustment but soon the cats found a way to co-exist with the dog and Ladybug became my world. We walked 2x a day, took her to training and I just loved her to bits.

Our love multiplied when we adopted Liam less than a year later. He was our puppy boy and our fur family was complete.

You know how much I just love my furkids, they fill me with joy and have been great company, loyal companions and full of mischief.

When we decided to have a baby, I concerned about how the puppies and cats would adjust. I knew that they would....but would I?

I hated the thought of not having my furkids come first anymore.

Once Isabel arrived I feel like they just knew that things had changed and there was no hard feelings, they have been really gentle and so sweet. they just accepted the new pack order and I really can't complain.

So things had been chugging along with our little family and then today my world got turned around. Just the thought that something was wrong with my dogs my heart just broke.

I feel like in the busy go go days, its hard for me to give my dogs and even my cats all the attention they deserve.

I don't take them for granted but sometimes I am scared they think I do....yes I may be humanizing a bit here. But you get what I mean.

I feel like my love had multiplied instead of dividing. BUT, I also feel like with each new family member we add, there is less attention for each one.

Sure, I know that they love having each other as company and having me home is better than at work but I still miss my one on one time.

It gets me thinking if I feel torn about having another baby.

*YIKES* Did I even write that?!

Ummmmmmmm I am not saying I am ready to have another but I certainly think about having another baby someday.

My fear?

Not being able to give each 'kid', human or other the attention they deserve. Is that the natural progression? Does the attention get diluted?

I am not sure...I don't think so. But I think it take paying attention and appreciating what I have everyday.

So that is my goal, to give each 'kid' my love and attention each day and appreciate what I have.

Sounds simple but when you have a needy baby taking up alot of time it takes extra effort!

I am writing this as I stroke Liam's ear as he is lounging on the couch and recovering from his second surgery. I wish it could have been me and not him today.

I hate to see any one in my family suffer! Prayhing that tomorrow is a better day and taking a moment to appreciate all that I have.

Just for fun

2011-05-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

I was downloading pix from my phone and thought it would be fun to do a throwback to my pregnancy days.

Can't believe how much my body changed and how fast time has gone since Isabel was born! Seems like the months leading up went so slow!!

No time for me

2011-04-30T10:15:00.000-07:00
I shouldn't use Facebook as an indictor of how life is going for friends and family because I know looks can be decieving. I also know thats its wrong to cast judgement on others and especially if its over petty stuff.

However, and I feel bad admitting this but I am frustrated with myself and am sick of not feeling put together at all.

Yesterday it reached a breaking point. I am rushing around on a beautiful spring morning to take Isabel out for a fun day at the park with friends and I am getting all worked up about stupid stuff.

I can't find any of my sunglasses, none of my cute summer shoes fit, nor do some of my capris, my non-maternity t-shirts looks ratty and I can't wear a dress because none of the tops are breastfeeding appropriate.

My hair is in my face and I am running out of my favorite foundation and I quickly threw on toe nail polish the night before but I am feeling like a HOT MESS.

I was never the put-together, never a hair out of place girl.

Nor was I ever the skinny or selvte, but rather curvy.

If I could describe myself, I would call myself cute rather than pretty and definetly not sexy (which is fine by me thats not the look I am going for!)

I am carrying some extra weight from pregnancy and while we were trying and that is bugging me for sure.

Anyway, as I raced around while Isabel napped I lost perspective and was ready to break down into tears over the outwardly dishevled mess I feel I have become.

In reality, I know that I probably don't look as bad as I feel. That I always manage to pull something together to look presentable and cute, that even though I go way longer than I used to between hair cuts I can still do something with my hair and even though I don't have a huge wardrobe I make what I have work.

The weight issue?

Well, thats a work in progress I guess.

I just find myself constantly comparing myself to SAHM and working moms and feel like I look like the least put together out of them all. Maybe its true.

Why is that?
1. Instead of shopping for myself and buying new pieces of clothes for me to replenish/update my wardrobe I buy for Isabel instead. We don't have a lot of extra wiggle room and I can make do. Plus its more fun to shop for her than me. Logistically its easier too, no lugging a baby into the changing room required! Plus, I would rather not look at my roadmap of stretch marks, and scars that is my stomach these days.

2. Getting my haircut has been disasterous. J, bless his heart has watched Isabel both times but both times she wasn't great for him and cried alot. I know I need to do this for me but the guilt that surrounds it stinks!

3. Same for pedicures! They are $$ and I can't really bring Isabel or leave her!

4. As a mom, I have become accostomed to putting myself last, well not first or even second these days. Its the natural progression I am sure but sometimes it really affects my outward appearance.

I am not saying I am a martyr for my child or a saint either. I guess I am just reflecting on how having a baby, or really this baby has changed how I look, what I wear and even the weight that I am.

Do I resent it? NO, not at all.

However, I look at my other mom friends and just wonder how they do it, look so good and raise terrific, happy kids?

What's their secret? Because cleary I am missing something!

Starting a new chapter

2011-04-28T18:50:00.000-07:00
Just this week I have been reflecting on how my life has changed since Isabel was born.

Obviously, I never expected the traumatic events surrounding her birth and the aftermath.

Or that she was going to be a 'high needs baby' you know the one that couldn't be put down, nursed constantly, catnapped on me only, had trouble going to others, fussed for 2-3h a night and was hysterical in the car for the first 3 months.....

We have turned a corner in many ways and its really become apparent this week.

I would say that from her 4th month on she really came into her own and each day she gets more and more fun.

What has really struck me is that each trip out this week (Easter, Panera, Barnes and Noble, Wentworth-Douglas BF Support, and Kindermusik) folks have exclaimed just what a happy baby she is. It made me swell with pride to have people tell me that she is obviously a happy baby!

She blows raspberries, makes a 'teradactyl call', and a noise all her own that I can't describe unless you hear it and she laughs alot!

I feel like as hard as it was the first few months, she has really come so far and really is blossoming into a happy baby. Its especially rewarding that it isn't just apparent to me but to strangers and family alike!

I feel like this week I have turned a corner in my life too.

I feel like my PTSD is lessening and I am experiencing less flashbacks, sleeping better and just feel more like me. It feels great.

Its an empowering feeling to feel like I have come through this experience and have emerged stronger in my faith, stronger in my marriage and probably a better mama.

I am thankful that God has been my rock and I feel like its Him that has healed my heart, my body and my mind. I am thankful to feel like me, but maybe a better me!

Easter through the eyes of Isabel

2011-04-25T08:38:00.000-07:00
Daddy loves you

So does Mama!

A bonnett really mom?!

But my bonnet is tasty!

Love my pink bunny

Love playing with grammy!

My Aunties let me sit with them, I am so cool!

Highlights of the week

2011-04-24T18:22:00.000-07:00
This week J traveled for work but Isabel and I made the best of it. Here are some of the highlights:

Tuesday: Isabel 'helped' daddy pack for his trip, we visited Dorothy at Gordon College, visited MIL and stayed over night with my dad

We slept over at my dad's which was such fun! We stuck to her routine of dinner, bath and bed. Dad just loved getting to help feed her, bathe her and play with her. I enjoyed the lobster roll he got for me ;)

Wednesday: We took Isabel to dad's work to make the rounds and show her off (he was in seventh heaven!), we visited Darlene at Seacoast and then we went to stay with my sister. Dad missed her before she even left with a tearful look at my sweet Isabel, he really can't resist her!

We had a delicious dinner of my favorite chicken soup and Aunties and Uncle took turns doing the routine of dinner, bath and bed! Seriously, I was feeling the love! Jess made me my favorite cookies and tea, Scott made me soup and Jolene and Mom came over just because Isabel and I were there!

Thursday: We played with Jess and Scott and then I put Isabel down for a nap...we fell asleep together for 2h at Jess's oooops! I guess I was tired. I felt bad but it was good to rest!

We picked up the dogs (who I missed dearly) and J came home at 1:30am! Ugh!

It may seem like a mundane week but for me it was anything but. Spending time with family with Isabel is priceless. The momenets we share now are precious. It is also helping me make new memories over the bittersweet ones I had when I was bouncing house to house as I recovered from my c-section. I am so thankful for my loving family and how much they love Isabel!

*********
Another highlight is today....the whole day

It is Easter Sunday.

Isabel's first one!

We went to church, it was beautiful day. We went to my grandparents for lunch with my sisters, BIL and mom. It was a big day. First big family gtg since Isabel was born. It was special and here is why:

We celebrated Easter as a family

Isabel wore a sweet dress bought for her by my dad

We celebrated Easter at church, a good tradition that we want to continue for Isabel
Gram and Gramp got to have their great grandbaby to celebrate with, can't believe its been a year since Easter and I was days from finding out we were actually expecting a girl wow!

My mom, sisters and BIL got to dote on Isabel

Isabel loved it all, took in the attention, showed off her rolling skills and her fantastic little noises she makes!

Love Love Love her!!
Family is special and I love mine, feeling blessed tonight!

Grocery store: Extreme Fail?!

2011-04-18T13:43:00.000-07:00
This morning I had 'Making Room for Multiples' on and there was a mom that just had twin boys after having a set of triplet boys 4 years prior. Woah right?!

Well, they showed her taking ALL the kids to the grocery store. If you can imagine she had the 3 older boys piled into the front of those carts with the car on the front and the babies in a double stroller that she pulled behind her.

Can you say Super Mom?

Well, it changed my attitude about taking 1 Miss Isabel to the grocery store thats for sure! She made shopping with 5 kids look like a walk in the park so whats the biggie about shopping with one?

Now that Isabel is out of her bucket car seat she's now a lovely 22lbs. I have had the joy of introducing her to the shopping cart riding experience. She's not a fan. J and I took her for the first time a couple of weeks ago and we ended up carrying her all around the store because she wouldn't stay in the car without fussing.

Now, I take her in the Ergo carrier. She's upright, immobile and snuggly with me. It works but its hard with her strapped to my body but it works.

I got a renewed sense of motivation in the recent weeks to coupon.... after watching Extreme Couponing. Hmmmm....its sad that this post has already referenced two TV shows. I really don't watch much of anything so I guess that these two shows just stick in my mind because its all I have watched recently.

Anyway, after seeing how much they saved I have been doing so research, meal planning and grocery list making. Most of the time the items on sale are in the circular and the mfg. coupons correspond.

What I have learned is this:
1. Babies and couponing even with one is a tough combo, its tough to do math and figure out what I need and how much all at once and as quick as I can.

2. Items on sale are usually processed foods so I have to choose wisely but I can save money there and buy more produce so that works

3. Market Basket doesn't deeply discount a product their prices are already low so the store brand is usually still cheaper.

4. I need to shop at Shaw's or Hannaford's to really get a deal on a name brand, something I don't have alot of stores nearby

So, today even with a list, no impulse shopping and coupons, I only saved $8 and still spent $85! Ugh.....

Times are tough and food prices keep rising!

Love with Food

2011-04-16T22:05:00.001-07:00
Its probably an Italian thing to love with food. I know its in my blood to enjoying cooking a good meal and sharing it with others.

This week, I made some meals for a dear friend, while Isabel napped (go me might I add *wink*).

I made mozzarella stuffed meatballs, brownies and spinach and ham quiche. Nothing fancy but it felt good. Our friends like the meatballs I make for some reason so I made two containers one to eat now and one to freeze if they wanted to.

There is something satisfying about making recipes that are tried and true and you some one else will enjoy. I remember my nonna sitting at her kitchen table waiting with baited breath as we tried the meatballs she made that week. She would get up at 5am to make them and I remember looking forward to Sundays just for the chance to eat a few! Everything she made was good, every.single.time.

I am pretty sure it was because of all the love she put into it.

I think that when you cook with your heart it can't help but be good.

I certainly carry on that tradition, I can't help it, it just feel natural!

Now, lets not mention what it CAN do to the waisteline! Especially when dad already got me my fave pizza and an arracini (google this if you don't know what I am talking about... heaven in a bite!).

However, in that department thing have settled down and I think I must be down about 10lbs. Yahoo!

This coming week J is traveling for work...(insert HUGE sad face). However, there is a bright side. I am staying one night with my dad and one night with my sis. And I *think* they are excited. They have already told me what they are making/doing for dinner! See? The love, its right there!

They are making my favorite things and really it makes me feel special. I love doing this for others and it feels weird but wonderful that others are going to do it for me.

So, its the same for J and Isabel. J loves that I love to cook and I think he missed it when I was pregnant because I could barely stand the smells for 4 months and then by 7 months on my feet were so huge and I was so hot I could barely stand in the kitchen to cook. Ugh! Then the baby came and I didn't begin to have time to cook until a couple of months ago LOL.

Anyway, I have really enjoyed nursing Isabel too. I know its not cooking but it is nourishing her body. Sometimes I am still amazed that all she needed was MY milk for 6 whole months! How incredible is the human body?! Seriously! Now, I make her baby food and I know she likes it much better than the jarred stuff. Who could blame her ;)

So loving with food doesn't have to expand your waisteline it just means that whatever is made with love should be nourishing! Its refreshing to enjoy cooking again!

Descisions, Descisions

2011-04-13T18:07:00.000-07:00
I recently got an email from my advisor that was encouraging about my progress but reminded me that he would hire me to work in the lab to run some HPLC on squash carotenoids.

I was feeling bold and said I wouldn't be able to do it unless I got paid enough to afford a babysitter for while I am in the lab and a few extra hours to be a mother's helper so I could get writing done. I was figuring he would offer something like $10/hr that would only cover the babysitter for while I was at work.

He countered with a wage that would cover a babysitter and then some.

Ugh... on one hand this is great news! I could afford to go back PT and get work done at home while Isabel plays.

Ideally, it would be the same person watching her when I am at work and home. I would want some one experienced with babies, especially high need ones (like Isabel ;)

But WOAH....am I really going to go back to work?!

Not really and here is why:I am still dealing with PTSD

I am getting work done at night and in the morning on my own

Isabel's napping and sleep is getting much more regular but not great

She is developing seperation anxiety

Why I could be ready:I really want to get my PhD. done!

Isabel is less dependent on me for food and is doing well with food

Maybe she would like her babysitter and it would give me a chance to get away alittle bit in a safe way

I need to finish my PhD!! Did I mention that?!

When I first started thinking about going back this morning, I was getting excited and invigorated by the idea. As the day went on, I got more anxious and I felt so not ready.

Now, I am oscillating between fear and determination.

I absolutely love motherhood and am so thankful to be able to stay home with Isabel (have I mentioned that enough?!) I love being here in the here and now and focusing just on Isabel. I don't ever have a wistful moment of *sigh* wish I was at work.

Don't get me wrong, I love my field, my career and all the potential there. I see myself getting a PhD. and using it in the long term.

But Now?

All I want to be is my daughter's mom.

Is that selfish? Would other mom's be jealous of this viewpoint?
To some, yes its selfish and some would argue Isabel is better off getting used to a baby sitter now. Other's including my working mom friends probably do wish they had the choice of staying home.

So I am stuck.

I am enjoying staying home to the fullest. BUT, I have a PhD. hanging over my head...UGH!

This is going some prayerful consideration and putting on my big girl panties to get on. I know what I have to do to finish and working PT might be a means to an end to finish. I can't and don't want to put it off forever. At the same time Isabel will be only this little once and it is so special.

Gah......

BW=Baby Wearing

2011-04-12T13:52:00.000-07:00
Starting out as a new mom I didn't exactly know if I pictured myself as a breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping mama. But that is what is evolving as these months go by and I am proud of it. Obviously, I wanted to breastfeed from the beginning but the latter two choices I made have come about out of necessity!

I got a hand me down Bjorn and a Moby as a gift. Soon after Isabel was born it was clear she was a baby that liked to be worn. She didn't fit well in the Bjorn but the Moby worked right well. Not at first though. She would cry when I put her in it and after all the work it took to wrap it up on me and get her in it I was frazzled. J was great though very encouraging to keep trying. Finally, it soothed her fussy crying jags and she would fall asleep in it. Heaven! I could walk around hands free, cook, clean etc. and she would snooze!! I even took her grocery shopping and for walks in it. She loved it and so did I. Now she is getting to long and alittle too strong for it, she has tried to back bend her way out of it, dangerous! So I opted for a new wrap, albeit an expensive one.

But, since I didn't buy the other two I decided to splurge. We got an Ergo sport and it fits great with a front carrying, back carrying and side carrying option! I have only managed the front carrying because I think I will need help putting her in the other two ways. However, I love this option! We can take walks with the dogs and no stroller! Grocery shopping is a breaze and my back doesn't hurt! One grocery shopper saw me with her in it and called over "now thats the way to do it"! Felt good to have others embrace baby wearing! I think it strengthens our bond and her bond with J when he wears her. Wearing her is also a work out, trying lugging 20+ lbs around when you go for a walk!

Maybe it seems sort of retro to breastfeed, wear a baby and even co-sleep for naps and sometimes at night but I don't care.

Judge if you must but I am finding its really whats best for Isabel. The alternative? We had a fussy, crying, miserable baby that was tough to soothe any other way. I am so proud of how far we have come in getting to know our little munchkin and how much our relationship with her has grown!

Right now she is napping but I just heard her happy little squawkings from the other room and I just love how expressive she is, I almost don't mind that this was a shorter nap!

Surprising results

2011-04-10T21:47:00.000-07:00
I decided to do some spring cleaning and try on some more of my pre-baby clothes just to see if I need to get rid of more or if any fit. Well, I got my jeans on that are a size smaller than I am now! I gotta say it was an empowering feeling and a pleasant surprise. J and I are doing WW together and those these 2 weeks have been really hard to stick to my diet however, its so nice to have a partner to make the weight loss happen! I have been more motivated to get out and walk with Isabel and its energizing. I enjoy feeling healthier and the new way of eating isn't so hard. Its kind of like when I had gestational diabetes, I had to keep track of what I ate and how much. Its really not so hard and its nice to see the results. Its not that I am not getting hungry but I am finding a way to prep healthy snacks and that makes it easier for me to eat healthy on the run. I have been making grocery trips albeit short because of Isabel with grocery list and dinners planned ahead of time. Its how I used to do it pre baby. So I guess I feel like I am getting back to feeling more like myself and its a relieving feeling. Obviously, I am a mom and that is life changing but I feel like I am adjusting better and I love motherhood. I would consider myself a work at home mom and though I have been doing alot of work late night or early morning but its fine. I prefer to do it when Isabel isn't up because I like getting out with her and spending day time with her. I have to credit my advisor for being so supportive and encouraging through this process. I really enjoy my work but motherhood is just as fulfilling!

Facing Fears

2011-04-02T10:38:00.000-07:00
This week, a very dear friend is due with her first child and I have been thinking of her all week, praying that her delivery goes smoothly without complications. Its a new fear tinged anticipation I feel for all of my friends that are waiting to go into labor. Obviously, based on my own experience my eyes are open wider to all the possibilities of what can go wrong at birth. As a biologist, I always knew alot but didn't think that the near worst could happen to me. No matter what mindset I think a first time mom goes into while in labor I believe it has no bearing on the outcome. I had decided prior to Isabel's birth I would do what is necessary to deliver her safely. No options left off of the table. I would allow monitoring, IV's, an epidural and a c-section if needed. I tried my best to endure the pain and keep an open mind. And for the most part everything including the c-section though not the typical birth experience went well and I am ok with it. Its the after part that really caused me to stare death in the face. Dramatic? Maybe but that night my incision opened I really thought in my head 'I am dead'. Chilling I know. But in a way I had always feared that I would have complications at birth, pessimistic I guess. However, I did have a conversation with J about what would happen if there were complications. In the end nothing went how we had thought it would and we just had to roll with it. There was no script, no predictable outcome, we just took it moment by moment. I don't know why I have been reminiscing so much about this lately, maybe its that my friend is having a baby and its bringing to mind how I was feeling as I anticipated Isabel's arrival. Or, it could be because I am allowing myself to delve into the in workings of those weeks that I had been blurring in my mind because it had been such a difficult and painful time. Part of working through it is to find the good points and hold onto that. Obviously the biggest blessing was our beautiful daughter. And now as I am standing back and 6 months have passed, I can say good came out of this experience. I discovered just how I strong I am when I rely on the strength of our Lord, it was definetly not my own strength! My marriage was tested in every way possible and even though we didn't do everything right at the time, we weathered the storm and we are better than we have ever been. My relationship with my sisters have transformed and I miss them so much, which is bittersweet. I have learned alot about myself, I feel like I have matured so much and am finally settling into my role as mother. With my responsibility as a mom it forces me to look at the future in a new way....and honestly its a bit scary. Isn't that always the way with the unknown? Well, my new biggest fear is not getting to raise my baby girl. Why am I even worrying about this? We have to write a will and outline how I want Isabel cared for. That's not the hard part, so many folks love her and she would be well raised. Its just the thought of not being here to be her mom. That's a gut wrenching thought but thats not a reason not to write a will. Its the right thing to do. That's not to say that my biggest fear is not being there for Isabel. Maybe most new moms think this way, or maybe not. I think I do because of what happened at her birth and how real it felt that I might die. Lately though, I feel even more sure that God created Isabel to be my daughter. I am supposed to be the one to raise her and He blessed me and J with her for a reason. That is my greatest comfort. God has a plan for me and one for J and one for Isabel. I can rest assured knowing God is in control, even when life feels unpredictable and scary. God gives me the strength to face my fears.

Am I EVER going to graduate?

2011-03-28T18:40:00.000-07:00
Today I felt a quick pang of fear that my dream of attaining a PhD. is just NOT going to happen in this life time. Was it my way of scaring myself into getting motivated? Maybe. Honestly, juggling a baby, a household, a husband and a dissertation, guess which one gets last dibs? Yea my dissertation. I felt especially desperate today since I got an email from my advisor and the tone was pleasant but I get the feeling he's not thrilled with my slow progress (as I call it). I know he knows I have it in me to finish but that having a baby changes the game...ALOT. I think I did the best I could to get as finished as possible before Isabel was born but I underestimated the difficulties Isabel would have with sleep and how little time I would have to write and crunch numbers. Some days its utterly the LAST thing on my mind. I am running from the minute I wake up until the moment I lay down. Its also hard to tear myself away from Isabel to work.... I wish I could afford a mother's helper to play with her for a few hours a few days a week so I could work with less guilt. *sigh* But I am honestly done making excuses and I am going to pull up my bootstraps and get 'er done. I don't want to give up because it feels less than doable to finish. I want to be a good example to my daughter and show her I am a strong, well-educated, determined and smart mama. So I am focusing less on graduating and more on attainable goals that are more of a day by day thing. I want to finish even though right now I feel completely overwhelmed at the thought... No more excuses, must finish.... I am so close I can almost taste it!! I am dedicating my dissertation to my baby girl, she is my NEW motivation.

Tea and cookies

2011-03-25T18:50:00.000-07:00
The other night I was talking to my sister about possibly staying with her with Isabel of course while J goes away on business (not something I looked forward to before Isabel and NO happier about it now).

Isabel and I stayed with my sister and BIL if you recall when Isabel was only a few weeks old as I recovered from my c-section infection. Those days felt very dark in so many ways. I was very sick, medicated on antibiotics that really made me feel terrible and I was in terrible pain and trying to get the hang of motherhood all at the same time.

However, there were definetly bright spots...ok major BRIGHT SPOT: my darling amazing Isabel was doing really well, albeit she was a fussbudget but amazing nonetheless.

Other bright spots? Well they all involve family:
Jessica made chocolate chip cookies, which I LOVE and would make for her if she were staying with me and we would eat them each night while Isable took turns sleeping on us. I would drink my lactation tea and we'd enjoy a quiet moment watching Food Network before I would trudge off to bed knowing Isabel would be up again soon.
My brother in law Scott would sing to Isabel a sweet little song his parents sang to him to settle Isabel, he had excellent patience for Isabel's crying
Jolene would take turns with Jess and Scott taking me to my appointments. We had some really deep conversations about life, we were team Sister when it came to handling the baby and my apts. We enjoyed our little trips equally I think. We ate in the cafeteria and enjoyed some yummy ham salad ;)
Speaking of the cafeteria, anyone that would help me at my appointments would go to lunch with me after and I just felt safe there and calmed by that place, it was comforting for some reason
J got me an amazing Edible Arrangement something I craved after having GD
My cousin Maryann was errand extraordinaire...bringing me whatever I needed whenever I needed it, I wish I could be more like her, she's got a serious Servant's heart
Despite it being hectic my aunt came to help out and it was so wonderful to reconnect with her, makes me miss her more now!
Why am I reminiscing? I am not sure.....In a way I guess its good that I am starting to find bright spots in what at the time felt pretty scary, overwhelming and fast paced. I think all that happened is sinking and I am processing it more. I think I am only able to cope with the gravity of the situation by accentuating the positive. I keep reminding myself I am healed, I have a beautiful daughter, a supportive set of sisters, husband, mom and closer relationship to my brother in law, cousin and aunt.
*sigh* I obviously don't want to go back to those days but I do miss my sisters and mom especially these days. They tromped through the muck of hard times with me when Isabel was a newborn and I was sick and I feel like they are missing the 'fun' stuff. Sometimes, I wish I didn't live so far away. I really love where I live and J and I feel settled here but closer would be nice. At the same time everyone works except for me so even if I was closer would everyone see her more? I am not sure.
I do however sometimes find myself wishing I could have sister/mom sleep overs with Isabel. I think the thought is comforting because I felt so supported during that time by them. In reality sleepovers would be hard logistically but doable once in a while. Not to mention that I am married to a sweet guy that I don't want to leave out of course. I guess its just nice to know that my family is there for me when I need them!
So if J does travel, then we might get to have a sleep over and they can enjoy the sweet, fun and more predictable Isabel while we eat our tea and cookies :)